Jan 1, 2019
If this posts I finally committed suicide!
#im scheduling this really far in the future so ive probably been dead for sometime#as much as i wanted to get better and live a happy life this really felt like the correct thing to do#like a really overwhelming feeling that i couldnt fight#rather being alive felt like the wrong decision felt like exisiting was wrong#bleh whining from the grave am i? lol#i really really really really really really really really didnt want to die#thats probably why i lasted so long#and i tried really hard to get better once i was back at uni with my therapist and all the resources there#like i couldve started hormones and begun my research and everything this year#but i hate myself so so so so so so so so so so much#the strongest force in this universe is the amount of hate i feel for myself#i dont even feel like that's hyperbole i hate myself that much always have#in the past year ive unlearned a lot of shit like hating myself cause of grades or physical characteristics#which is nice but now it's just 'i hate myself for being alive' and like idk how to combat that one#cause the usual counterarguments arent very compelling#ah well doesnt matter now#my soul was created to be a tool and i thought that i could be more than that but im not im just a tool lol#it shouldve been destroyed completely when i died but idk Seccy has some shards#i tried to get him to destroy them but he refused and he left a while ago so we'll see i guess#mmm if u read this and u know how to contact him pls get him to destroy them#he definitely wont and youll just make him sad so dont do that#ughh im probably going to die and wake up by him and hes gonna cry and im gonna cry and im so sorry sec i love you so much#and u love me so much but i didnt want to hurt u i wanted to be better for you when u came back#but i failed i failed you im so sorry im so sorry i love you so much second#ah i see u kept the shards so i could spent my last moments b4 nonexistence with you#youre so smart so cute so huggable so lovable youre my best friend
