pretty girl, dirty mouth

1. He declines being called Sir, Master or any other grandiose title from the start. Until a relationship has been agreed he knows he’s a human being just like you, on the same level as you. He will owe you that respect and courtesy from the beginning. He declines being called ego-inflating names unless a dynamic has been explicitly agreed by both parties.

2. He looks after your interests. He will be on your side and will want you to be fulfilled in a relationship. He will be prepared to walk away from a relationship, if he believes your needs will be better met by somebody else. In fact he will be more than happy to introduce you to somebody else who will meet your needs better than him, even if that means he will lose you.

3. He doesn’t criticise other people, particularly other doms, behind their backs. He doesn’t feel threatened by other doms and doesn’t see them as competition. He doesn’t belittle or talk bad about other doms or tries to eliminate or undermine “competitors”.

4. He doesn’t try to dominate the conversation or gratuitously lead a group onto something just to prove to everyone and himself how domly he is. He will let other people have their say, without trying to hoard the limelight. He is a true team player who puts the needs and interests of the group before himself. He is interested in the team winning, not him winning.

5. He doesn’t prey on the vulnerable. He doesn’t hang around the entrance of munches or clubs looking for “fresh meat”. He doesn’t try to take advantage of inexperienced submissives and use their lack of knowledge to his advantage. On the contrary, he will protect those new and vulnerable and do what he can to guide them in the right direction.

6. He doesn’t instigate politics, bitching and division between camps. He is not prepared to partake in them and will try to minimise conflict whenever possible. He has a conciliatory tone and tries to build bridges, not burn them, whilst still defending what is right.

7. He’s approachable. He’s friendly and welcoming and accepts everybody as they are. He keeps his ego in check and doesn’t carry himself with a swagger or in a threatening or arrogant manner. He’s not in possession of the truth. He knows an überdom is quite the opposite of a true dom.

8. He admits to his mistakes. He’s happy to say sorry. He knows that being a dom doesn’t mean he’s perfect. He will own up to his errors and will make reparation whenever possible. If he makes a mistake during play he’ll apologise sincerely and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

9. He’s comfortable with a sub who is more intelligent, skilled and capable than him. He knows that being a dom doesn’t mean he has to be the best at everything. He’s quite happy to take instruction from her submissive and let her teach him what he doesn’t know. As an example, he’s happy to take directions from her when he’s driving.

10. He has nothing to prove. He’s comfortable in his own skin and doesn’t need to prove to anybody how “dominant” he is. He doesn’t try to live up to some expectation of what a dom should be. He’s confident and sure of himself and is untroubled by others disagreeing with him and having a different approach to dominance than his. He knows who he is and he doesn’t need to justify himself to anybody.

11. He doesn’t take liberties. He will not boss around a person just because she’s submissive. Nor will he grope her either. He will be clear, transparent and specific about how he wants to play, before anything happens. He will not take advantage of someone being in subspace and therefore more vulnerable. He is polite to waiters, clerks and those in serving professions.

12. He’s trustworthy. He has a strong sense of integrity, responsibility and compassion. He will stick to his agreements and fulfil his end of the bargain. He will tell the truth and behave with honesty, even if that means he loses out. He’s honourable and his word is his bond.

(source: Fetlife/DominantMan78)

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Written by a friend of a friend whom shall remain nameless…

1) Do what you’re told. Not just when you want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. If you’ve suddenly decided you’re a free agent that’s a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in your dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.

2) Keep your commitments. If me/you/we have decided on a certain protocol you’re expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If you act like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.

3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for you and you don’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes you look kinda shallow.

4) Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether you’re poly or monogamous, every time you look at another person and say: “I’ll bet he likes them more than me.” You’re essentially saying “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that you want me like you say you do.” We are with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire we feel for you is deeply insulting.

5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when you don’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take for granted, which is why you should take your time and don’t give yourself to a Dom who’s a shithead.

6) Own your tantrums. You have feelings, deep intense feelings, if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be a sub. I encourage you to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When you fuck up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and you say bad things, you need to accept that in the morning you’ll be held accountable for the things you said even if you didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:

7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, YOU make the magic. You make it by catching yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (that’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you perverts).

8) Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms don’t have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that you always have the person’s own interests at heart, even when they conflict with your own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. You and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.

9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something that’s being done to you, and not with you. If you empower yourself as a co-creator of the dynamic, you’ll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, I’m a dick.

10) Cut us some ‘effin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold your ground when things are difficult, knowing that if you repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics you will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see you as more human, it gets harder. When she/he gets to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until you’re the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if you don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, you’re just a tall dark stranger standing there with your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jack-booted, ‘true dom’ counterparts.

One of the things that fascinates me about this community is how people can be drawn to the same act for so many different reasons. Fetishes, sex positions, rules and protocol… It’s so easy sometimes to match up a list of fetishes and think you’re on the same page as someone. But that only gets you halfway. Maybe. And it’s because the reasons are what matters, not the act itself.

I dated a man once who confessed his interest in tail plugs. It wasn’t something I’d ever considered before, but I was open to it. Especially in the context of this relationship, I assumed it was a humiliation thing. He liked to make me beg for things I didn’t want, then show me how wet it made me. I assumed the tail plug stemmed from the same desires. It made sense to me. He wanted a tail holding my ass open while I crawled for him. He wanted me low.

But I was wrong. That wasn’t his vision at all. For him, there was a softness to it. He wanted me to curl up against him while he caressed me—down my back and over my tail and my thighs. The tail unlocked a different kind of connection for us. It was not the mind fuck game we usually played. It was free of all that. Innocent and light. Vulnerable and tender. It gave him the freedom to touch me absentmindedly without words or expectations. It was so much deeper that I ever expected.

It’s rarely the act itself; it’s what we feel and where it takes us. It’s how we access new parts of ourselves and each other. It’s how we learn who we are at the core of our being. It’s how we grow and discover together. At the core of every act that drives us, there is meaning. The meaning is what connects us and allows us to feel truly seen—but only if it’s shared.

週刊ヤングジャンプ 2018年34号