Styx2Snakes

The trouble with denying yourself real love and connection is that you crave it in other ways. The trouble with self-loathing is that it becomes a loathing for others, usually an easy target who is more vulnerable than you are. The trouble with being a character is that nobody can ever know you or really love you because they have never actually seen you. You find ways to find outlets for these feelings. For Jax it became nihilistic cruelty and slapstick coupled with a hatred for anything girly or genuine. For myself it became womanizing, emotional manipulation, toxic masculinity, and self-pity. Jax and I aren’t that different, were our situations swapped we very well could have become each other were they a real person. The symptoms weren’t identical, but the cause was the same. We couldn’t accept ourselves, and assumed others wouldn’t accept us either after unfortunate situations forced us to be vulnerable, and we were punished for it. Laughed at, mocked, belittled, informed that we were wrong and needed to be fixed in order to be lovable. In Jax I saw myself, or at least who I was until more recently than I would have liked.

I’ve gotten better, I have friends, a community of queer people, a loving and loved partner. I found out who I was and made peace with her, not perfectly, but a little more every day. Jax did not. She got so close, but whenever she was about to actually let down her walls, the fear crept back in. She panicked, readied her defenses, and chose to strike first so nobody would get the chance to hurt, mock, or shame her. The first time killed her best friend, and the second time killed her. Jax never got that chance to be better, while I had, somehow. When I see discussion of Jax, how much people hate her, want to harm her, make light of her lived experience, or depict her as flatly and irredeemably evil, I can’t help but see it as a judgement that falls to me as well. In fact people have judged me that same way for my past behavior. I hurt people, I was toxic, and maybe they don’t need to forgive me for that.

What some people miss about TADC and about Jax is that they don’t expect you to forgive them. They also think that the toxic behavior is inexcusable, and that you don’t need to forgive somebody for their past wrongdoings. What they do say, however, is that people can always choose to change and grow, and that everybody is deserving of compassion and love. Nobody hates Jax like Jax does, and I know that feeling as well. We don’t think we deserve forgiveness, and we’re not asking for it. Pomni in the finale, and the real people I’ve been blessed by in my life, they chose to love us anyway. They saw under the exterior of irony and edge to the fear and pain underneath. Sometimes, the least deserving of love and compassion are the ones who need it the most. That compassion can change lives, it can give people the chance to turn the doom spiral around into something better.

My point is really that in Jax I saw myself, who I had been, and what I might’ve become if I hadn’t been shown love and support by those precious to me. This trans representation is the thing that finally made it clear to me that I could not hide myself any longer, that if I tried to suppress it any longer it would have killed me. This representation, not in spite of, but because of all her flaws and insecurities finally made me feel seen. I love her, and hold her close to my heart. She never got better, never got to apologize, never got to be her true self. Because of her, however, I might not have missed my chance to do those things. Her tragedy pains me, but gives me the courage to be my better self tomorrow.

TADC entered my life like a hurricane, and for better or worse Jax is among the fictional characters I saw the most of myself in. The show unlocked a lot of latent and repressed trauma inside of me. I wanted to talk about it if for no other reason than to help myself heal. It only felt right to use him as an avatar for myself then. Forgive my shitty art and handwriting. I am cringe but I am free. This is my first post if I decide to make more.