D

I don't even know what life is anymore.

Remember that med surg nurse I was crushing on last summer, fumbled her, reconnected in February, fumbled her again? She's back, and I'm trying to be successful this time around.

Pharmacy fuck boi said he'd apologize in person to show he's sincere. He's asked me to lunch, he asked to go skate with me, he asked to have a convo outside of work. I declined all of the above. He didn't apologize in person...he was avoidant AF. Got into a Mexican standoff with him in the hallway at work yesterday. Made him apologize with tears welling up in his eyes, and I've never felt more fucking dominate in all my life.

I HAVE THE BIGGER DICK!

I called him out on the text messages he's been sending that I haven't responded to, and his failed attempts to talk/converse at work. I asked him why he continues to try when we'd established that further communication was unnecessary.

AMAZING.

I wish I had a time machine, so I could go back in time, and eat them again.

Get to the room, they're beaming with pride, and The Cure is playing... Just Like Heaven, while they're dancing around.

Prior to this, I heard them singing along to The Police, The J Geils Band, Queen.

The way I could have cried.

I told her I love her too, cause I do.

He told me about the time his fellow helicopter mechanic removed an enormous bolt he shouldn't have, while my dad had stepped away for the appropriate tool, and his coworker was crushed to death under the chopper. He told me about the time he was a younger, driving with my Grandpa, and they watched a small, single passenger plane crash in a nearby field. My Dad and Grandpa pulled him from the wreckage, and lifted the man into the bed of Grandpa's truck. He'll never forget the smell of burnt skin, and the way the man's eyes were blinding white in comparison to the charred flesh, he says.

I recounted these other two incidents, and he also casually drops that he's seen far, far worse over the years. I shudder to think what else he's been witness to that he's never felt comfortable telling me about. 😬

Other times (ie today!!!), I have a panic attack in the mall....and I'm quickly reminded that I've not "outgrown" my anxiety at all.