I've literally been crying on and off for the past hour now I need a hug and some sleep

thinking about the fact that one day I'm gonna own rats and dogs with the love of my life and were gonna build a whole little family together

I know this is gonna pass and it'll get easier with time but that doesn't diminish the pain im in right now and I need to keep reminding myself of that fact bc I keep beating myself up over being dramatic or annoying

the way I had my camera on for 2 seconds and had to turn it off bc I started crying ✌️🤪

i keep thinking "I wanna go home" because home isn't a place it's where I am when I'm in her arms

i struggle a lot with making friends already because im very introverted and tend to have a hard time getting along with others so I rely on like just repeated time spent with people to make friends (and a big example of that is doing shows/rehearsals) and also performing is some of the only time I really feel grounded and truly happy and im only gonna get that a few more times in my life so getting cut from addams and watching everyone get closer was so so hard for me and then with 12 angry I felt like i was finally starting to make up on some of that lost time with people and felt like I was becoming a part of the group more and then just like that it got ripped from me and now im stuck as an outsider again watching them all have fun without me and I feel like it hasn't even made a difference that I'm not there like the only reason people remember I existed in the first place is because people see justine still and correlate me as being like the little puppy that follows her everywhere and it fucking sucks that it feels like I dont have anyone except justine and don't get me wrong shes my best friend in the whole world and my favorite person to be with I just wish they weren't my only friend lmao idk I just needed to rant

I wanna go to a rage room

I need a hug so bad right now

I think one of my biggest faults is when I watch a TV show my brain is like "is about me?" and like I just feel the things I watch so deeply and it's so real to me like I just watched a show where a mom with post-partum ran away and tried to k*ll herself and her husband spent 6 months searching for her and not knowing where she went and my brain is like "time to make it about me !!" so now my heart is aching from something that never even happened

pov: cuddling with a body pillow and pretending it's your gf so you don't feel as alone

even before all of this happened my mental health was starting to get bad again and I was just trying to ignore it and hide it and push through but its starting to get to the point that I don't trust myself to be alone right now and I'm not allowed to be with people because covid and thats really fucking scary

my parents asked if they could get me anything before bed and I almost just went "my gf :((" like no hesitation bc I miss them so much