taylor price
Not today Justin
will byers stan first human second
tumblr dot com
One Nice Bug Per Day
pixel skylines
bliss lane
wallacepolsom
Keni
Misplaced Lens Cap
cherry valley forever
The Bowery Presents
$LAYYYTER
JVL
Jules of Nature
noise dept.
KIROKAZE
occasionally subtle
Cosimo Galluzzi
Origami Around
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@stupid-cunt-musing
i have 7 of A's songs saved in my phone (technically 9 but the last 2 are VERY OLD long abandoned instrumentals) and i listened to them all this morning. he's just so fucking good and talented. his newest song, Spins, is insane. i was very horny listening to it lmfaaaooooo which i think is his first fully sexy song. it's VERY important to write sexy music, like every band needs a sexy song, a sad song, a fun song and a cool song.
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the thing about A is he loves me so selfishly and makes me feel awful abt it. and another thing is, for the first time ever, i was able to say out loud to my therapist that i know our relationship is driven a lot by my need to repeat abusive patterns that i'm comfortable and familiar with.
the very first thing i learned in life was that love is supposed to hurt and feel bad. IT'S A HARD LESSON TO UNLEARN. i think we all kind of know that? maybe? but it doesn't have to. love can not hurt at all actually.
A is ghosting me rn. and posting all this like cryptic, pointed bullshit abt not ending up with the love of yr life and then his story, a screen cap from a fucking JB song lmfao "Don't pretend I got a reason to call you, it's not true / I only got a couple people to talk to, and it's not you"
is that for me? for someone else? idfk and it sucks and he sucks because for 15 years, he fucked whoever he wanted and made a life with someone and had TWO KIDS WITH HER and i loved him the best way i could and i never made him feel bad about choosing to live his life and make a life for himself when we couldnt be together (and mind u, i didnt even know that was an option...). i loved him through mind numbing jealousy and pain. i had my whole life on hold because i couldnt picture my life with anyone else and i sabotaged every chance i ever got with anyone because they weren't him. i was happy for him, the hardest thing imaginable. now i'm happy and he treats me like a punching bag. he can't love me the way i loved him for 15 years man. maybe i wasn't good at hiding how i felt, idk.
and then there's a part of me that's like fuck he just wants to see you naked and u think it's this serious but it's fucking not. that's a mean thought but i also don't know if it's an untrue thought. i wish i could tell but i cant and that's not because i see the worst in people, it's because of what was done to me.
"I think all l've ever wanted was you" ..... it shatters me every time i read it. or think it. i wouldnt trade my life for anything in the world. but it hurts to love someone this much, this completely. to want someone this bad and know it's wrong and know it can never happen. and not even be able to trust that it's true.