I am Nobody, who are you?

I think I've mentioned on here before that I feel so lonely. Well today has officially become the loneliest day of my life. I don't have anyone to talk to. There's either judgement or nobody waiting for me. I once said my biggest fear was failure. But maybe that's wrong. Maybe it's judgement. The person I trusted the most in the world just broke my trust. And sadly not for the first time. I'm so stupid. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice well... I'm the biggest idiot ever. And honestly I'm about to let this slide. Because this stuff always slides. Because there's never enough time together or there's never enough this, or there's never enough that or... Everything is a mess. And I try to shift blame on to me to be equal, but this is not something that can continue. Because then nothing changes. Nothing ever fucking changes. It's my own stupid fault. I hate myself. I'm so stupid. I'm so. Fucking. Stupid. I'm glad there's nothing in my immediate area that I could hurt myself with. Because that was my first thought. I have to stay clean. I can't start. I've made it this far without anything permanent. But... I don't know. I'm just alone and I don't know how to fix it. A shy extrovert. I screwed myself over from the beginning.

Today is one of those days where I'm just sad, and the one thing I know that I really want to be happy, is just to hear from him. But he hasn't message me all day and he mentioned off handly that I just bother him all day so I don't want to. So I'm just sad by myself. And there's not much else to do.

This isn't good. Resisting the urge to cut myself is getting harder. I feel like if I start, I won't stop. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. The only person I want to talk to has run away from me, to avoid yelling at me. I know I need help. But I don't know where to get it. I don't know how to get it. I just... Help

Honestly, if anyone asked me who I am, I'm not sure how I'd ever be able to answer that. Probably just say nothing. Or a stupid girl.

Well I guess today will just be another day of pretending until I no long know what's fake and what's real.

I'm a terrible terrible human. My heart is just sinking lower and lower into my chest. I want to apologize, but I can't. And it's killing me...

I should just give up on my life at this point because it's not like anything matters. Certainly would mean my parents would have to struggle less in life. Someone just kill me now.

I don't understand why I'm so hurt when nobody comes to me to talk about their problems. I mean, I always end up losing everyone anyways.