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I tried to talk to you about katsu in person and you wouldnt hear a word, if i had my therpist ir meds at the time I could have actually functioned. Instead I was a mess and I was still drinking. You knew I lost my therapist for bean and my meds and you knew how badly I was hurting about it but nobody cared, nobody would say anything about it even when i begged

I *tried* to get over it. I tried so hard. I just wanted to be with you but I couldn't think about anything else. I had lost so much from it and it hurt me that badly. I was always nervous but I was not a bad person it was *months* and months of this and losing you right after bean was the straw that broke the dragons back. I tried so hard. I tried so, so hard but it hurt so much and I couldn't do it

I couldn't do it the harder i tried the harder you ghosted me, the more everyone screamed at me, and it turned me into a monster. It turned me into who I hated. I just wanted to talk about katsu and move in with my life I had dreams too I had a life too

I didnt do anything insane for months all i did was try and talk to my friends. Who told me I could. If you had told me you needed space I could have done it but honest to god you didn't. You both just disappeared. I didnt get a single chance and it broke me

Bean got chance after chance love after love support after support. I wasnt even worth a goodbye

"Bean gave me space guess who couldn't do that" you didnt ask me for space. If you asked me "please give me x weeks or x days" I could have done that but you didnt. You said you were sick and dissapeared

I have not lied about my situation and my lies were exaggerations of facts. I dont know why I did that. You wouldn't say anything at all, I think i did it because if you felt sorry for me, you might speak to me? Give me a single answer or resolve? It wasnt a healthy way to think, but thats what it was. I wasnt dead but I was in a coma. My cat didnt die, but my brother did put him in a shelter for a while just to hurt me.

I was alone I was hurting i was going through so much and losing the two people I cared about more than anything, who pretended they never met me, I never existed, that katsu never happened. I lost my home my top surgery you know it, you know all of it, I lost it all and I could not cope with losing the two people I cared about the most, who pretend I never was here, that im a monster that im irredeemable that im like a murderer things ive never done

The pain turned me into a monster. Ive cried every day and nobody cares. Im still in the hospital and nobody cares. Ive tried so hard to get back up and im just "giving up on myself" or "it didnt count" I haven't heard anyone say a single thing to me but variations of "I dont care" and "kill yourself" in 2 years

I wasnt even worth a goodbye

It hurt me so badly I tried to kill myself and nobody cares. Do you know how that feels?

Im still in the hospital. I just want to get past this. I know I ignored your cease and desist letter. It's difficult to do when youve ignored my entire existence, the entire situation, what its done to me what its cost me. What its doing to me still

Contrary to what everyone screams at me, im still trying incredibly hard to stop

"I died... Didn't I?"

"I died... Didn't I?"

"I died... Didn't I?"

"I died... Didn't I?"

"I died... Didn't I?"

@rorykaa why was it impossible to have faith? To be kind? Why was beans fear understood but mine was made fun of...? I don't think it was on purpose. But why couldnt we speak about what happened, when it happened..? If you have faith in someone you might be surprised. But I didnt get a single chance. Not a word or even a "hey I need space, give me x time and I'll get back to you" or anything like it. You say you did, but you didnt...my memory is bad but im very sure that all you said was your discord and tumblr were broken. Vague things like that, then nothing. When that gave me a panic attack, i never heard from you again

Only bean ever got chances. Chances for a helping hand, chances to change, chances to talk about it. And thats ultimately what made an already terrible situation so much harder. You gave bean hundreds of chances and i didn't even get 1, and it broke me.

It makes me feel like im invisible worthless garbage. i wasnt even worth explaining anything to. You told me you would, that you didnt mind it at all. But when I reached out like you told me to, you vanished. It went righy to > "its not my fault it magically left your brain?" Not my problem. Fuck off"

if that was how you felt why did you lead me on so badly..? You went from "I love you, I can see myself being with you forever, talk to me, i care about you so much, i dream of us living together and laughing at the spot on the ceiling or a silly grocery list. I dont want you alone" to >> "its your fault you got attached, we only dated a month sorry you thought it was more, get over it, go away, youre despicable, you are an irredeemable monster." The "uh only a month fuck off" hurt me so badly. You strung me on for over a year. I did do bad things, me being desicable is true. But only after many months of poverty isolation cruelty. And alcohol, my brother's abuse, my isolation. You both said nothing like i was invisible. It felt like everything that i gave up, my feelings, my life - it didnt even matter to the people i loved the most. It hurt me so badly I could barely think. You knew my normal behavior. I was always clingy but you knew that I was not okay, and you both were fine with just. Watching me fall apart

I know it doesn't excuse it. I feel guilty and shame, every day about it. But the thing youve said that hurts me the most is that I *meant* to do it, that I wanted to hurt others. I did not. I didnt want to hurt anyone. I was hurting so badly, and I had no therapist or support system like you or bean. I only had the way I was raised and taught, and that was lashing out to protect myself. I gave up my therapist to go to beans and you knew that, I gave up everything i had for you two, I did not have the tools or the support or the skills to be better than i was. I just didnt

Im aware it doesn't matter or change anything. But I haven't been able to talk about this either. How it was, cruel to judge me based off of a past relationship (saying untrue things about Luna and me) who had nothing to do with anything at all. Im not as upset about this because i did the same thing to you, didnt i? it was cruel of me to bring up ray. It was cruel. And Im sorry i did it. We just constantly tried to hurt each other and that was really shitty for us to do. Me more than you. But we were friends, once. You were my friend and I cared about you so much, I truly could not process that you and bean were gone on top of everything else

You took info from people ive never met and barely knew, though. You took pieces from people who A) already hated my guts and B) said things just to hurt me. It was aldens boyfriend and Ri who sent me letter after letter telling me to kill myself, not bean. They wanted to hurt me through you, and you obliged them. It just made me hurt even more than i already was. Luna *was* abusive in a "using you for content" way, nothing like i have done i know that. But it was still abuse, i was telling the truth, and it was just one more thing for me to deal with, when I was already past my breaking point from the street. Ive told the truth so many times but because of my absolute meltdown nobody will ever believe me again

I self harmed in more ways then just cutting, I knew everyone would hate me and I could never go back to voicing albedo. I knew that deep down. You said "nothing you say is ever the truth" but man. That isnt true for *anybody.* i have lied and done bad things but that doesn't mean I can't tell the truth. And i have been. For a very long time now. The photos the documents the police. I showed you the truth of it and it still didnt matter. I went from hospital to hospital, and you dont know how badly it hurt to be called a monster, to be told to kill yourself, and then you do it. And people were glad about it. I dont think anyone should ever have to feel that way

Im not a murderer. Im not so many things you say I am. I didnt post revenge porn of you on a bunch of websites. It was horrible and honestly, this is the main thing i can accept as to why you will never speak to me again. I really do understand how badly i hurt you that night. But I didnt post it on sites as revenge porn, thats a federal crime and i just didn't do that. I sent it only to you. I was already so batshit insane by that point. I know it doesnt excuse it, but i truly regret what it. Im sorry that i did something to betray your trust, and to hurt you. Just because i was hurting, it was a horrible thing to do to someone you loved. So many of the letters i sent and texts.. they were me trying to desperately apologize for doing that. I wasnt myself. I was in a terrible situation. And im deeply sorry. I think about it a lot. I made you cry, and i hurt you, and I'll never forgive myself for it

if you've been following me for a while, you may have noticed that i changed my url and icon (or, you didn't notice and are thinking "who's that guy?"). i've been trying everything i can think of to shake off/avoid the attention of a person who has been cyberstalking me for a while, but it hasn't been working. the threats have been escalating, and recently he called my family and sent a package to my real life address. right now he seems to be focusing on making alternate accounts and pretending to be friends/fans of his to message me (he has pretended to be both in a coma and dead. neither are true). since tumblr barely has any real life staff anymore, reports don't actually do anything, and i'm sure he would just make more alternate accounts anyway. so, that's it. i'm shutting down this blog, probably for good.

i apologize if you’ve received one of these unhinged and disturbing messages. as said above, please block and report if you see it. thanks.

@bo_beanies @megwillart @oripoke @roryka @lolevercelle You broke a roommate agreement used my situation to control me when i said "no". That was the first time i ever said no in my life. I always did everything you told me to even when it hurt me, i was always willing to listen and change but the second im the one who needed help you all mass isolated me in a dangerous situation you KNEW about and caused. You encouraged me to fight back against my brother and that lead to abuse. You lead me to believe these things were real and then vanished en masse and were shocked when how you left me, where you left me, completely fucking destroyed me.

I didnt do anything for months but ask for closure. Friendship, communication, top surgery, love, a home, safety - you lead me to believe those things were real. Things i had never had before. You ghost me and go to another con together immediately after the most traumatic shit of my life, and none of you have said a word about it, you caused it you put me in that situation, and even when the police got involved you wouldn't say a word. I got hospitalized I got hurt and NONE of you care. Does it take my photo in an obituary before anyone will ever care about what happened to me? because every time you all block me, thats what you say, and i relive the pain. Youre saying "because hes spamming and because he had a meltdown because of what we did to him; he deserves it, he deserves what we did to him"

@bo_beanies you broke a roommate agreement controlled me and my situation when i told you "no." I got INCREDIBLY hurt bc of you, IRL, and you ghost like it didnt happen. I exist too im human too. I just wanted communication i just wanted to move on but you're content to watch me "whine and spam."

Im a real person you knew and cared about. Nobody deserves to be ignored and isolated like this. nobody. You lead me to believe things like safety and friendship were real, things id never had before, then left me on the street confused. not a single person has talked to me about katsu you were there you know what happened you TOLD me to reach out to you then mass isolated me when i did just that. I had an absolute meltdown, but it took a lont time for me to get there, all i did was beg for the people i cared about, who said they cared about me, to communicate about the situation. You told me to do it then did the worst thing you could think of when i did. "just block and ignore hes worthless" who has that helped?? Every time you do it youre saying im worthless, "pointless" and i deserve what happened to me? *NOBODY* in this world is worthless. But thatd what you make me relive every time in a loop. WHO has this helped?? Who can be such a champion of mass isolating, such a champion for ghosting that this goes on? You saw with your own eyes my hospitalizations my pain my suffering and not a SINGLE PERSON cares. Who has this helped??? Im a real person you lived with and knew and deeply hurt and nobody cares

@bo_beanies @megwillart @oripoke @roryka @lolevercelle You broke a roommate agreement used my situation to control me when i said "no". That was the first time i ever said no in my life. I always did everything you told me to even when it hurt me, i was always willing to listen and change but the second im the one who needed help you all mass isolated me in a dangerous situation you KNEW about and caused. You encouraged me to fight back against my brother and that lead to abuse. You lead me to believe these things were real and then vanished en masse and were shocked when how you left me, where you left me, completely fucking destroyed me.

I didnt do anything for months but ask for closure. Friendship, communication, top surgery, love, a home, safety - you lead me to believe those things were real. Things i had never had before. You ghost me and go to another con together immediately after the most traumatic shit of my life, and none of you have said a word about it, you caused it you put me in that situation, and even when the police got involved you wouldn't say a word. I got hospitalized I got hurt and NONE of you care. Does it take my photo in an obituary before anyone will ever care about what happened to me? because every time you all block me, thats what you say, and i relive the pain. Youre saying "because hes spamming and because he had a meltdown because of what we did to him; he deserves it, he deserves what we did to him"

@bo_beanies you broke a roommate agreement controlled me and my situation when i told you "no." I got INCREDIBLY hurt bc of you, IRL, and you ghost like it didnt happen. I exist too im human too. I just wanted communication i just wanted to move on but you're content to watch me "whine and spam."

Im a real person you knew and cared about. Nobody deserves to be ignored and isolated like this. nobody. You lead me to believe things like safety and friendship were real, things id never had before, then left me on the street confused. not a single person has talked to me about katsu you were there you know what happened you TOLD me to reach out to you then mass isolated me when i did just that. I had an absolute meltdown, but it took a lont time for me to get there, all i did was beg for the people i cared about, who said they cared about me, to communicate about the situation. You told me to do it then did the worst thing you could think of when i did. "just block and ignore hes worthless" who has that helped?? Every time you do it youre saying im worthless, "pointless" and i deserve what happened to me? *NOBODY* in this world is worthless. But thatd what you make me relive every time in a loop. WHO has this helped?? Who can be such a champion of mass isolating, such a champion for ghosting that this goes on? You saw with your own eyes my hospitalizations my pain my suffering and not a SINGLE PERSON cares. Who has this helped??? Im a real person you lived with and knew and deeply hurt and nobody cares

@bo_beanies @megwillart @oripoke @roryka @lolevercelle You broke a roommate agreement used my situation to control me when i said "no". That was the first time i ever said no in my life. I always did everything you told me to even when it hurt me, i was always willing to listen and change but the second im the one who needed help you all mass isolated me in a dangerous situation you KNEW about and caused. You encouraged me to fight back against my brother and that lead to abuse. You lead me to believe these things were real and then vanished en masse and were shocked when how you left me, where you left me, completely fucking destroyed me.

I didnt do anything for months but ask for closure. Friendship, communication, top surgery, love, a home, safety - you lead me to believe those things were real. Things i had never had before. You ghost me and go to another con together immediately after the most traumatic shit of my life, and none of you have said a word about it, you caused it you put me in that situation, and even when the police got involved you wouldn't say a word. I got hospitalized I got hurt and NONE of you care. Does it take my photo in an obituary before anyone will ever care about what happened to me? because every time you all block me, thats what you say, and i relive the pain. Youre saying "because hes spamming and because he had a meltdown because of what we did to him; he deserves it, he deserves what we did to him"

@bo_beanies you broke a roommate agreement controlled me and my situation when i told you "no." I got INCREDIBLY hurt bc of you, IRL, and you ghost like it didnt happen. I exist too im human too. I just wanted communication i just wanted to move on but you're content to watch me "whine and spam."

Im a real person you knew and cared about. Nobody deserves to be ignored and isolated like this. nobody. You lead me to believe things like safety and friendship were real, things id never had before, then left me on the street confused. not a single person has talked to me about katsu you were there you know what happened you TOLD me to reach out to you then mass isolated me when i did just that. I had an absolute meltdown, but it took a lont time for me to get there, all i did was beg for the people i cared about, who said they cared about me, to communicate about the situation. You told me to do it then did the worst thing you could think of when i did. "just block and ignore hes worthless" who has that helped?? Every time you do it youre saying im worthless, "pointless" and i deserve what happened to me? *NOBODY* in this world is worthless. But thatd what you make me relive every time in a loop. WHO has this helped?? Who can be such a champion of mass isolating, such a champion for ghosting that this goes on? You saw with your own eyes my hospitalizations my pain my suffering and not a SINGLE PERSON cares. Who has this helped??? Im a real person you lived with and knew and deeply hurt and nobody cares

i apologize if you’ve received one of these unhinged and disturbing messages. as said above, please block and report if you see it. thanks.

@bo_beanies @megwillart @oripoke @roryka @lolevercelle You broke a roommate agreement used my situation to control me when i said "no". That was the first time i ever said no in my life. I always did everything you told me to even when it hurt me, i was always willing to listen and change but the second im the one who needed help you all mass isolated me in a dangerous situation you KNEW about and caused. You encouraged me to fight back against my brother and that lead to abuse. You lead me to believe these things were real and then vanished en masse and were shocked when how you left me, where you left me, completely fucking destroyed me.

I didnt do anything for months but ask for closure. Friendship, communication, top surgery, love, a home, safety - you lead me to believe those things were real. Things i had never had before. You ghost me and go to another con together immediately after the most traumatic shit of my life, and none of you have said a word about it, you caused it you put me in that situation, and even when the police got involved you wouldn't say a word. I got hospitalized I got hurt and NONE of you care. Does it take my photo in an obituary before anyone will ever care about what happened to me? because every time you all block me, thats what you say, and i relive the pain. Youre saying "because hes spamming and because he had a meltdown because of what we did to him; he deserves it, he deserves what we did to him"

@bo_beanies you broke a roommate agreement controlled me and my situation when i told you "no." I got INCREDIBLY hurt bc of you, IRL, and you ghost like it didnt happen. I exist too im human too. I just wanted communication i just wanted to move on but you're content to watch me "whine and spam."

Im a real person you knew and cared about. Nobody deserves to be ignored and isolated like this. nobody. You lead me to believe things like safety and friendship were real, things id never had before, then left me on the street confused. not a single person has talked to me about katsu you were there you know what happened you TOLD me to reach out to you then mass isolated me when i did just that. I had an absolute meltdown, but it took a lont time for me to get there, all i did was beg for the people i cared about, who said they cared about me, to communicate about the situation. You told me to do it then did the worst thing you could think of when i did. "just block and ignore hes worthless" who has that helped?? Every time you do it youre saying im worthless, "pointless" and i deserve what happened to me? *NOBODY* in this world is worthless. But thatd what you make me relive every time in a loop. WHO has this helped?? Who can be such a champion of mass isolating, such a champion for ghosting that this goes on? You saw with your own eyes my hospitalizations my pain my suffering and not a SINGLE PERSON cares. Who has this helped??? Im a real person you lived with and knew and deeply hurt and nobody cares

if you've been following me for a while, you may have noticed that i changed my url and icon (or, you didn't notice and are thinking "who's that guy?"). i've been trying everything i can think of to shake off/avoid the attention of a person who has been cyberstalking me for a while, but it hasn't been working. the threats have been escalating, and recently he called my family and sent a package to my real life address. right now he seems to be focusing on making alternate accounts and pretending to be friends/fans of his to message me (he has pretended to be both in a coma and dead. neither are true). since tumblr barely has any real life staff anymore, reports don't actually do anything, and i'm sure he would just make more alternate accounts anyway. so, that's it. i'm shutting down this blog, probably for good.

I sent you letters asking to talk. I knew you IRL

I was in a coma. All of my suicide attempts have been real. The hospital and injury photos the documents isnt enough to prove that to you nothing will ever convince you. But I got incredibly hurt by it and youre mad it didnt kill me?

I did make the alternate accounts. Nobody would talk to me about katsu, and i was on the street without meds without therapy (i gave mine up to see bean) i had some for a while later though. I did a lot of things under extreme duress that I wouldnt normally do.

You screamed at me for causing bean to think they were being isolated and having a meltdown (something i didn't do.) That *did* happen to me. My breakdown was more explosive because of untreated disorders, and because Ive only known abuse my entire life so thats all I knew

You said you hated me instantly: yes. You did. You didnt give me a single chance to talk, change, or even understand what the hell was happening. You made me believe things like friendship, love, safety, healthcare were real. You mocked me for being traumatized after katsu "ohh because you were too traumatized" yes?? It was?? My best friend my life I'd only ever known abuse, abuse that got worse because bean encouraged me to fight back and then threw me back with my brother when I said "no." That is the first time i ever said no in my life and look what happened

You didnt give me a single chance it was traumatic and you mocked me for trying to talk about it, you cried when I tried to talk about it in person and I didnt know what to do, you both left me in a dangerous situation and you *knew* that