stripped down to the bones

I understand that nothing I say will ever change what happened. Nothing can take away the pain I caused. You have done nothing to deserve any of this. But there’s something about us, something about you that I can’t give up on. So here’s a lot of words anyway. I remember the first time I saw you. And I have no idea why but you woke something inside of me that’s been sleeping for a very long time. And I knew then, even though you didn’t and that’s okay. But I - I knew. I fought for you, I stayed even when you said we would never be in a relationship because (1) I had to change your mind and (2) I just could not stay away. I might have had a thing for you from the start but what it evolved into is something so much more. When I told you I was in love with you and you didn’t say it back - that has never happened to me. And for me to stay, to accept it and be the one about to risk heart break - I’ve never done that before. I know I’ve said this before but you’re the first person I’ve chosen, that I’ve persuaded and not the other way around. Which has made me more vulnerable than I've ever been before. I know that you don’t think I respect you but I do. I figured out very early that you would never put up with my bullshit like the others, and trust me everyone around me said so as well. And I’m equal parts heaven as I am hell. And that has been a way for me to shield myself from getting hurt before. Because if you break your heart yourself first no one else can do it to you, right? If you give someone a reason to leave the chance of them waking up one morning and not loving you anymore because of just you are very slim. And I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am that I brought that behavior into our relationship. I’m sorry I tasted of heartbreak and war when we met. I’m sorry we didn’t meet earlier, or later for that matter. But I feel more like myself with you than I ever have before. You have never made me feel like I wasn’t enough, or that there’s something wrong with me. You have embraced my weirdness, and that made me embrace it too. Love it even. But you’ve also called me out on my bullshit without leaving. And for the first time I really feel like the lesser partner. Somehow it feels like everything that happened before happened so I could meet you, because you truly are an amazing human being. I love you, I am in love with you, in a way I can't even fully describe. And it scares the hell out of me, because before I was not the person who had anything to lose and now I do. Or did. You truly are my favorite person of all time. And if you never forgive me, and you move on with your life, that will have to be okay. Just know I love you, I think about you, I imagine you thinking about me and that’s my only salvation. You are the best thing that has happened to me (even though it didn’t just happen I made it so and that’s probably why), and if you decide that you can’t forgive me there’ll always be a version of us in a parallel universe laughing about the stupid idea that we, in this universe, have to be apart.