Visions into my Thoughts

My dear Nancy,

Doesn’t help that no one gets me and I am trying so hard to fix myself. I find joy in trying to be there for people, but again, it feels like I’m left alone when I need someone there for me.

I don’t reach out because I feel like a burden to people. People have their lives and their own things they have to deal with. I’m just one less person to add to the weight of their world.

I try to tell myself I’m strong on my own, I’ve been doing it on my own. But I know when someone comes into my life and they show me any sign that they want to be there for me. I overwhelm them and they end up leaving.

I remember the day we were debating on getting you. I had seen a picture of you, but I wasn’t really sure. This is how I always have been, just always calculating all the possibilities to see which decision is the right one.

This was the first time I just said fuck it, Universe says you are the right dog for me.... I’ll roll with this.

After your first mom and I thought of a list of names. We came down to three, I didn’t know which one was yours until I saw you. From the first moment I held you and looked in your eyes. I knew you were my little Misty.

I remember the first few weeks with you were tough. Jen wanted to give you back because you were always crying. Eventually you started to get comfortable around us. Jen and Serenity would end up leaving, but at this point the road ahead was with you and me my baby.

Over the next 12 years you would become my best friend. I wake up in the morning and you are there, I come home from a late night out or even a long trip. There you are...

You saw me grow from an entry level help desk tech, to an extremely talented engineer. It wasn’t always fun, but you were there, sitting next to the dinner table as I grinded away.

Your first mom was Jen, then you met Nancy and Mary. There is a good chance you met the three “loves of my love”.

My boy’s daughter decided to come and sit with me while I was watching the UFC fight. She got as close to me as possible and wanted me to move my arm so I was holding her with one arm.

Everyone saw this and right away started talking about how I don’t always get close to kids and how I was comfortable with their kid being close to me. I’ve been seeing Luna, my friends daughter, a lot over the last year.

I outgrew wanting and being good around kids for over ten years now. When I decided I don’t think I wanted kids, I kinda grew distant from them. When kids got older and I started to respect them I would engage with kids. But when it comes to little kids, I have rarely tried to open up to them.

Yesterday felt different and I wasn’t gonna just push a kid away from me if they are wanting to be close to me. Not saying I am wanting kids now, but I think I’m changing into a better person now. 

I tried so hard to let this last weekend, be a normal super bowl weekend. It was far from it.

I looked at our boarding passes from our trip last year this time to celebrate my bday. I honestly was so excited to spend my 40th bday in Vegas with you and we were just gonna do everything to have a blast.

Vegas was so much fun, this was really the Vegas trip that got me hyped to the idea of partying all through Friday night into Saturday morning. We ate, drank, and partied to celebrate but the best was yet to come.

This particular trip, hanging out at the airport was the best part of the trip. We did our normal thing of getting there early and playing some games and chilling. I remember waiting for you to be done with the bathroom at some seats close to our gate. You came back with a bag full of things for me. A shot glass, ashtray, and flask all matching for my b day. Wasn’t the most thoughtful gift anyone has gotten me. But I knew you tried your best given the limited options at the airport.

We got on the plane, first class seats of course because it was my 40th!! We sat down just in time for me to start watching the Super Bowl. I was so excited about the trip I completely forgot it was super bowl weekend until we got on the plane. 

To be honest, this best super bowl I have ever had, and I have had many super bowl parties in my life. It was perfect with our chips and sandwiches for dinner. You were watching a movie or something, and I was heavily invested in watching Joe Burrow and Jamar Chase do the impossible. 

Talk about the best Super Bowl? The halftime show was fucking epic!! Dr Dre, Eminem, 50 cent, snoop, Kendric, and a tribute to my guy Pac. I remember just me and everyone on the plane jamming to the half time show. You looked at my screen and kept looking. I reached over to your screen and I set it to the Super Bowl for you to watch and hear on your screen and headphones.

For that one moment, I felt like I complemented you, just as you complemented me. We would have some other moments like that. But, that was the moment I fell in love with you Mary. That is why this weekend is so hard, this weekend wasn’t just my 40th b day. It was the first moment I fell in love with you and told myself I was gonna spend this year making her the happiest woman I could.

I mean it seems simple, someone does something for you and you appreciate it and hope you can return the favor. Today’s world isn’t that simple. Everyone just wants to take for themselves and disregard anyone ever did anything for them.

Someone once told me that they didn’t ask me to do the things I did for them. When I first heard that, my initial reaction was that you didn’t ask. But you told me what you wanted and I was determined to give it to you. When I think about it after a bit of time, she was right. She didn’t ask me to do any of the things I did for her. I shouldn’t have done them in that case.

That right there is what I need to fix about myself. Being careful of being there for others when they ask and don’t even think about doing anything for anyone when they don’t ask for it.

I live in a world where everyone will take and get what they can, but rarely want to give back. I always said that I only loan money to people when I don’t expect them to pay it back. I never ask for my money back, only back when I was dealing drugs and I fronted the drugs I ever asked for money back.

As I walked by these places we made memories. I took it as an opportunity to say good bye to all the good memories we had.

Some things had changed, like the Zeus machine got changed out for one of those rags to riches games at the airport. Kinda sucks, I was hoping to play that exact machine one last time to see if I would get lucky.

Saying good bye to the memories gives me the closer I never got from you. I never got a reason why you treated me the way you did or why you didn’t want to fight for me after all I did to make you happy.

As I watched my friend and his girlfriend interaction. I couldn’t help but wonder how different we were. I really did feel like we were taking it slow and giving each other space to continue to grow.