echolocation

I vomit at least once or twice a day every day and I have for the last 5 years of my life. I either have to leave work, call in sick, go to the hospital, or just deal with it. Most of the time I just deal with it. I found out recently (after going to the hospital yet again) that not only am I lactose intolerant, but I have an extreme gluten allergy. The doctor said I’ve probably been allergic to it since I was a kid, and the symptoms were never linked together because I don’t have Celiac disease. He basically told me that I’ve been poisoning my body for 20 years and that’s why I bleed every day, vomit every day, don’t sleep, get migraines, and have weaker bones. So I don’t eat meat, can’t eat dairy, and can’t eat gluten - which let me tell you, is in everything. I basically can’t eat anything. 

I’m glad I know why I’ve been really really ill the past few weeks. I’m happy that I haven’t thrown up in 5 days; it’s the longest I’ve ever gone in the past 2 years at least. But the thing is, it’s not all going to go away. When you throw up every single day for 3 years, it creates a habit. A routine. I’ve had ED’s since I was in middle and high school. I’ve worked very hard to rid myself of them. But when you throw up all the time, you stop eating. You create this order in your world. The universe works with you to control your atmosphere. You drink coffee to suppress the hunger. And when you do eat, you feel disgusting and bloated. So you avoid it. You eat nothing but greens, dried fruit, and smoothies. You don’t technically have to purge because you already feel sick all the time, and it will happen naturally. 

I don’t even use tumblr anymore but I don’t have anyone to tell and I need to get this out. A mental purge, I guess. I’ve been in and out of the hospital the past several months because I am so bulimic that I don’t know how to function anymore. Up until this last week, it wasn’t even my choice. I knew that if I ate I would vomit, and I didn’t know why. Well now I do. So I’ve been avoiding gluten and I haven’t thrown up naturally in these past 5 days and I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin. I just want it out. I want all of it out. I don’t want to be myself anymore. Either my body is against me or my mind is. I just want to sleep it off. Sleep everything off. 

I want to wake up and not be a sick, disgusting, twisted person. I want to wake up to people not hating me anymore. I want to wake up and not hear awful things about myself. Like yeah, of course I know I’m sick. And yes, I know it’s not okay. But there is literally no reason to get better. Get better for who? My brother who just got married and its moving with his wife and daughter to another state? He’s the only other person in the world that I have aside from my parents, and from their perspective all I ever do is fuck shit up. And they’re right. And I love them so much and I am so sorry. All of my friends have either moved away or decided that I’m not a worthwhile person. And at the point that I’m at - the point where nobody wants you, it’s probably you and not them.