Stray Contemplation

Too bad…

If Castiel the angel of the Lord were a girl...

If Sam Winchester were a girl...

If Dean Winchester were a girl...

Have you ever felt like hour heart is being ripped out and you feel just so tired that you want to end everything or blast them all out at once, but there's no single tear can slip out of the brim of your eyes, your lips are drawing a wide silent grin instead of shouting out curses, and then you feel that bottomless hollow down the pit of your stomach that you know right at the moment: maybe you're dying inside.

Just a real quick addition for my recent post about perception and logic. It's been stuck in my brain even before I finished my business in the bathroom some minutes ago. I think, here's the proper order of things: 1. Impression 2. Perception 3. Logic As simple as it is. Because I'm still very indulged in the Supernatural TV series, I'll take the example from there. My apologize for whoever doesn't indulged in the same dreamy world. Once upon a time, Dean Winchester from season 10 appeared in front of me after hunting a bunch of other demons in the nearby woods: 1. Here comes the impression that I'm looking at a bloodied, battered, good looking man bursted out of nowhere, but his lips was sneering, completing the eerie atmosphere created by his pair of obsidian black eyes. 2. If I knew nothing about demon or other supernatural beings, I'll simply have the perception that the man could be a dangerous psycho. If I knew about demon then I'll spontaneously recognized from his black eyes that he was a demon too, therefore adding up the already pilled reason that I should just stay fat away from the guy. If I just watched Rurouni Kenshin the 1st movie, watched the anime, or read the manga right at the part of Jin'ei's appearance, my perception of black eyed Dean would be paralled to the black eyed Jin'ei, which are equally dangerous and murderous. 3. Logically, what am I naturally supposed to do after standing face to face with someone absolutelly dangerous, psycho, and murderous? Run n hide for your life, those are logicall. Now, now... How if I was a hunter too? What if my parents used to give me the impression that hunting things is a good things for I can save many people's life, therefore I should keep the family business going? It'll b obvious that my perception as a hunter is that the guy is dangerous and belongs to categories I'll have to exterminate for once. Logic was, which might drive me into action, was to attack the guy to prevent him from costing innocent lives. I wouldn't have known the Dean Winchester from Season 1-9 which was basically everything but evil. I'd need further interaction to get deeper impression therefore having different perception which led to alternate logical act based on the latest consideration. So impression creates perception which is going to be the very beginning of all other things in motion and in order, up until the decision making process which leads to a logical act. I know it's kind of confusing, but excuse it for it's only my stray contemplation.

Just watched a movie entitled "God's Not Dead" yesterday and it somehow brought me to time when I just finished reading Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol." Both works hover around the debate about the existence of the Supreme Being which then boils down to definition of which is considered natural or supernatural, real or not real. I ain't the big fan of philosophy even though I still found it intriguing. I read a bit about some of the critical thinkers such as Humme, Camus, Descartes, and Chomsky but somehow still have the lingering feeling that I'll never learn enough of it thereforw I won't ever fully understand enough as well. But well, srew that. It's my own stray contemplation. I think the Supreme Being, and/or the supernaturals are real. Off course it's a highly biased opinion considering I'm committed to a religion and has been a big fan of Supernatural TV Shows for a while now. My reasoning is pretty simple. Post Renaissance, we're living in the world where something is considered real, or deserve the place on the long list of 'logos', when it can be proved scientifically with scientific method. That's how we're used to the term legends, myths, or lores, because we simply know they don't exist, simply because their existance can't be proved scientifically. Well, words like 'intuition', 'emotio ', or 'feeling' seem kind of far away with the term such as 'logic' and 'ratio', of where latched to the word 'science', But I'm someone who support a theory in which logic is not the most important thing in shapping human way of thinking. I agree with De Bono that it's PERCEPTION that becomes someone's initial beginning of long way thinking process. Logic simply follows perception. Just heard the chat between some guys in a 'warung kopi' of a side of road coffee shop. Well, it's kind of difficult to explain in English. Anyway, they said that an accident just happened on Friday (which was yesterday) in Mecca, when a crane collapsed on a part of the Grand Mosques, in which Muslims pilgrims were circling the Kaaba nearing the 6.30 pm praying time. Last time I checked, the accident killed 107 people and wounded 238 others. As I heard one of the guy saing to his friend enthusiastically, "That's just so fortunate to die in Holly Land on Friday nearing the praying time. I'd love to die that way too." He was welcomed by agreeing nods. Some people would think they're crazy for believing that dying in the middle of desert being slammed by a crane is fortunate. Hell, even the tought of dying itself is hard to be cinsidered as fortunate. But these guys believed from the teaching of their religion that dying in the Holly Land while praying will take them straight to heaven, which the logically would be considered fortunate, while others might've never believed in such teaching and were told instead that dying is the end of everything, therefore terrible instead of fortunate. Guess it works the same way why Peter or Paul took the road as a martyr for Jesus's sake, or it's as simply down to why local heroes like Cut Nya Dhien or Diponegoro led their cavalry to the battle they knew they were losing against the heavy armed Dutch colonials decades ago, in a faith that they would serve a honorable death for a greater purpose. Or it's just simply why the Winchesters would do the 'saving people, hunting things, family business' knowing they's gain no such things as even as simple as thank you. Yeah, well, excuse me for bringing this up as a stray example. But then who can constitute whether our perception is right or wrong since it can't be scientifically proved? Then here's the thing of perception. What if it can't be proved scientifically not because it's wrong, but because there's no sufficient scientific method to explain about it just yet? Point is, it's easier to deny the existence of something you don't understand rather than accepting its existence first then start to figure out how the mechanism works.

It's kinda lame, but when heavy guilts washed me away, the only thing I'd need is a warm, honest hug and a mantra, "It's gonna be okay. I'm not mad at you. Don't cry, alright? I love you and things are gonna be just fine. All is well..." I'll definitely cry my eyes out for it, that's for sure, but that'll also be a great relief at least for anyone who doesn't think to deserve as much love as what they're currently get.

Sometimes we need to just sit down by a cup of hot coffee just to see how deep a person is, to see the hidden part one almost never revealed publicly before. And believe me, what comes next can just simply amaze us beyond any previous imagining. Simple coffee-n-talk may give you more knowledge than you even expect. It always feel good to hear from others for we can find just so much things--many are even new--to learn. It may give you more perspectives about things, which may also affect on how you feel or think or react upon it. A cup of coffee plus a simple talk and you may find yourself understanding more fragments in one's life, while you're giving away some parts of yours for others to learn. A cup of coffee and a simple talk may show you just how much someone actually worth. P.S. For a guy who still want to believe. I owe you one. Thank you for the treat, Buddy. You've helped lifting up my long gone hope as well as my forsaken college students' innocence idealism. Keep the spirit up and let your enthusiasm spreads, for if you want to stay on believing, I'll do too.

With total respect upon any social class even mentioned anywhere in the universe... In the world when people are divided into Low, Middle, and High class of financial state, I think the Middle-classers are the ones who suffer the most. I'll tell you my personal opinion of 'why'. A worm wants to see the surface where the light is, a rat longs to grow wings and fly like a bird, and a human is desperate to reach out to the moon. Don't we see a pattern here? When we dream, we look up, not down, wondering if we are up above looking down to the now-far-away filthy land we used to stand on. That's what happen with middle classers. They have more power than lower classers, but just enough to take a peek of high classers life. The power itself is never enough to bring them up another level, mostly financially. But a peek is enough to grow a desire, for we dream about whatever we aren't currently have. Media industries sell even more dreams that one day, anyone can reach the stars, being part of the higher life-style. Why do you think people sell stories like Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast or the Little Mermaid? All about living a dream-come-true-and-happily-ever-after kind of life? And how about thing like American Idol and X-Factor? Things like these are what make middle classers work harder, like a fuel for them, to keep all industries--all those money cycle thing--going. And it's for the sake of whom again? Yeah, we all know the rest of the story. Middle classers want to go upstair, because they see downstair and think of it as something far below their standard. That's how many middle-classers try to 'immitate' the higher classers; it's all to feed their ego and make them feel better. It's a common sense that most higher things are better than the lower one; like caste system, vertical hierarcy, school grades, world rank, etc. But mostly, it takes too much price; a price middle-classers are designed by the systematic modern (some people might prefer the word 'capitalistic') world not to be able to really afford. They can always adopt high classers way of thinking and may even surpass them, but they won't have enough resources to satisfy their renewed need based on the newly uodated standard of life. The very very top of the high class, may also be believers of organic world, might want to keep things this way. If everyone is in high class, who's going to work in the field? Who's going to be the workers? Because high class apparently don't work that way... Point is, when you know something might hurt you, sometimes it's better not to know at all. It hurts to want something you know you won't be able or very hardly to afford. May be this way, being a low classers are better since they don't really know what's happening or how things work up above. They will need to deal with their own limited world because that's all they have. They won't even imagine something out there, so there's nothing to be longed about, to be desired about, and off course no pain of feeling so helpless or desperate, since there's no dire need to 'reach' for something other than what they already have. True. It's easier to feel contended and grateful when you have limited wishes. But again, middle classers can't simply back off since theg've seen the alluring beauty of their perceived high classers world. Want to underline that the world we're heading to will always seem bigger than the world we've left behind. Only some middle classers are lucky enough to grasp and taste a bit if high class eden, but they have to work their ass off in order to gain it. Say, people getting scholarship abroad, winner of talent scouting program, and some other people (may be, entrepreneurs) who have climbed their way up to the top. And their success story become inspiring motivation to another middle classers that we can always upgrade ourself after a real hard work. Truth is, these people might have been just the mere less than 5% of those who aren't as lucky. So they too become another fuel for another working class. I'm a working class myself, the middle classers. I've been in the low ground but then pulled out by a great fortune (well, there were so much effort to go along with too) to actually taste a bit of high classers way of living and thinking. It left me euphoric, driving me to drink more and more of the sweet wine, but the reality struck hard and cruel. Well, see how I can perceive reality as something cruel and suck? Simply because I was so caught up with desire to aim high while my capacity stuck down on the ground. It's almost out of thought that being a middle classers might make us hold the most benefit too. Guess it's some kind like silver lining. Middle classers are stuck in between, so they can also see clearly of whatever happen downstair. It should actually be a benefit, because by looking down, we can start to see how far we've come, how many step we've taken, how many thing we've gain, to stand right where we are now; to count the blessings each and everyday. Only that way we can feel contended, which later will be bringing to us a peace of mind.

*some people might find this post very cliche like in a chick-flick movies, but even the cliche-est thing in a story should’ve been inspired by real-life once

No offense, Mister, just a stray contemplation.

It was only yesterday night I was complaining on how bad I wanted to cry myself out but the tears wouldn't just come out.

Then the abstract was actually got accepted. It was surprising, really. So then there came next round of work: working out the paper. I want to quote Coldplay's song to express how it was, I mean the process of finishing the scientific paper: "nobody said it was easy..." Because sure it wasn't. Not just because I had a very limited amount of experience on doing it, but also because my mind was usually just full of fitious imaginative stuff. Not mentioning other dirty, sinful, nasty... Anyway, the only thing I had in mind was that "I've at least tried my best, so there shouldn't be any regret later" before sending the paper. Oh, forget to mention, I sent the paper just right on the very last day of uploading period, right on the deadline. Not wise at all, I know. And for addition, just for fun really, I had just actually finished writing it some minutes before hitting the 'upload' button. In my deffence, I've written the whole draft since days before, but still, it felt like I couldn't let out a single proper word before the very deadline finally came. Procrastination! Yes, another bad... bad.... thing to do. But let me tell you, this thing is just like an epidemy for college students. Like MERS, or SARS, or Swine Flu, or even the infamous Black Plague. Once it catches, there'll be a long and winding road of recovery waiting for you. Plus, there's no vaccine to fight it off in the future. The only way to escape is to boost your immune system, which is super hard to do, in my opinion off course. Well, at least that was what I could conclude from observing people in my faculty. So, what awaited me later would actually change my whole life like never before. Well, that was what I really hoped for anyway... A week after a notification of postponed announcement... there came the real announcement. [I know, I'm being dramatic here. Hey! Come on, everyone loves to be dramatic. Even Sherlock and Mycroft Holmes are dramatic! (based on the BBC series at least)] It got accepted. The paper was actually accepted. At first, my heart was exploding like a firework. The amazement was of no comparison... as well as the utter despair that came afterward: How the heaven am I gonna pay to go to London? Yep, it was a conferrence, not a competition or a workshop or any othee things so yes, it requires you to provide the whole flight and accomodation by yourself. To be noted, I and my friends registered independently, not as a representative team of an organization or anything. So yes, off course we have to pay to go there by ourself. Right in time, China decided to devaluate its yuan and escalating IDR price to 14.000 compared to USD. Many economist said that it was one of the worst time for our IDR value since 1998. At the moment, it was about IDR 18.000 for EU€ and IDR 21.000 GB£. To make it simple, I can buy a plate of chicken fried rice, soup, and ice tea with that amount of IDR in my campus canteen. Guess that'll explain my concern better. Anyway, I didn't have that much money, and to be honest, I don't think my parents had so much money in their bank account either. I tried to calculate total amount of money I'd need to prepare for the whole journey including flight ticket, hostels, food, transportation, visa... ah, that's another thing to write about. Later on, maybe... And yeah, it was a lot. My friend and I needed to work super hard to find sponsor, either from campus or companies or any other places... which required quite amount of endurance, I'd say. Why? Because the whole administration and bureaucracy stuff are in layers, pretty much complicated, and you had no control over things while the clock kept on ticking... I'm currently still where I was weeks ago. If I can make it to London, I'll write more detailed information regarding making recomendation letter and/or asking for financial aid in my campus, plus, how to deal with making visa and preparing things. But for now, I just want to express my gratitude to those people God had sent to me to give me hope, even in the midst of uncertainties. They are one of those precious things I'll take care of my whole life, the ones I'm just so grateful and thankful about. They are people I'll try my best not to let down ever for they don't cease to cheer "don't give up!" or "I'm sure you can make it" or "we're doing our best to support you" and "we're right behind you all the way." My dear parrents in Indonesia and US, my best friends, particularly the one I just met during volunteer work and had been so eager on helping me out, and another one who would be my loyal partner for naughty drinks, and so many others God had sent in many ways possible, who are so willing to help even when I can't give anything in return. I hate myself for being weak. I feel bad for asking help. I've let so many hearts down. And helps keep on comming. I can't see the end of this road just yet. But I have faith. I try to have one, at least. Things may not go as smoothly as I expect it to be, but there's no way I'll know whether things will go north or south. There'll always be a chance that it works so much better even beyond my wildest dream. I'm gonna quote another Coldplay's songs "if you never tried then you'll never know." I'll hang on to that for now. God knows I will. I never considered myself as a religious person, but I always like to keep some slivers of hope that The Higher Power, whatever name would be, is watching over me and working in mysterious way I may not be able to decipher ever. These are a biblical verses I'm quoting for those who share the same way of belief: "I will never abandon you and I will never leave you" - Hebrew 13:5 therefore... "God is my saviour. I will not be affraid" - Hebrew 13:6 (as in today's service, coincidentally)

How I miss the those child-like innocence…

Lately, I've been pretty indulged in songs like David Archuleta's "Don't Give Up" and Westlife's "Reach Out" and "I Will Reach You" or Rie Fu's "Life is Like a Boat", hopping to gain some kind of strength from them. Well, at least something to give some sense that I'm not as misserable as I thought I was. In short, a faith of "there's a rainbow always after the rain" thing (geez, now I'm quotting Archuleta's another song). Guess I just want to belive in something. Or it's just one of those self-defense mechanism thing. Well, whatever that is... Here's the thing. After a long unproductive years followed by series of self-loathing episodes about my helplessness state of life, I tried to work an abstract with friends to send to a conferrence in London. Guess I was just pushing my luck, or maybe I was just sick of not doing anything to be proud about in years, since I have that very bad habbit of comparing my present with past self. God, how I need to learn to change that...