Smol N Chonky

. I don’t feel much at this point. Just stressed bc I work the most in my household, but still not enough for 5 people and four animals. In a freaking two story w/ a mf pool in cali. I want to leave but I can’t screw over my dad and my baby sisters. This wasn’t a choice. It was something we were thrown into, and now I have to pay in every way I can think of. My mom up and left for a lady who very clearly did not feel the same. Even after regaining some stability outside of our family home, she’ll still drop me for her at a moments notice.

I’m 20. I have no goals. No life. No future. Very little to live for, outside of not wanting to burden my family more than I am. I want to kill myself, but that’s not an option. I wish I could do better, but my dumb monkey brain can’t figure out how.

I’m trying to be great full for the simple things, but Ik that even those things wont last long. I can barely keep up w things as they are. I’m burning the candle at both ends and I can’t stop. I’d simply like to die w/o burdening my family. I don’t want to leave them having to worry abt the bills I pay, and the food I buy. On top of that the funeral expenses. But I’m so lost and tired.

My manger tried to give me four days off next week. But that stressed me out more than working the week through. Like whenever I’m home, I stress clean the whole house top to bottom because I want my family to come home w/o stressing. But I also do it bc I feel guilty cus Ik I could’ve spent that time making money. But then the house gets dirty. Or an appliance breaks and it’s my job to fix things. And why can’t I just FCKING fix things enough? Why am I not good enough? Why can’t I just do fucking better w/o feeling like shit, or stressed out, or guilty.

I had good news to share abt my job. I wasn’t looking for much of anything. Just to share good news. She could’ve done anything else. I.E. like my text message like erbody else in the group chat. But for some reason, ‘cool beans’ seems so passive aggressive. Like the text message equivalent of ,’cool, nobody asked’.

I love her am cus she loves to sit down w me when ever I eat n we share da food n ahhh 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗