cw: nightmare comfort, mentions of past abuse
Triggered. Terrified. Confused. Startled.
Angry. Sad.
Dissociated. Hypervigilant.
Sweat. Warmth. Tears.
It wasn’t real. It’s not real. This is real– the blanket. Yes. You are in the bedroom. Your bedroom.
“Princess~?” Soft.
Our bedroom.
Footsteps. I know they belong to her.
Closer.
Louder.
“I thought I heard rustling in here, my little blanket kicke~-” Sudden.
Shuffles.
“Hey, hey, you’re safe. No one will hurt you. I promise, I pinky promise honeybun.”
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Mommy held me for a really long time until my edges weren’t so jagged and she could get through to me. She always knew how to ground me– rocking, deep pressure, and rubbing my back were my kryptonite, but so was her. The way her pheromones mixed with the shampoo, body wash, and perfume she adorned was the most soothing Holy Trinity.
She continued, long after my heart rate decreased and my temperature dropped.
Her voice winced, “I’m so so sorry you had another nightmare, baby.”
My eyes scanned my view of the room from over her shoulder as I calculated a response. They sank to the bottom with the slightest frown.
But despite my best efforts, nothing coherent came to mind.
“I’m sorrrrry! I- I’m okay! Y-you can leave if you want please don’t feel obligated to stay this isn’t your problem and and I interrupted your work and and— I promise Ill be quie- ” I sobbed between hiccups.
She pulled me back. Gently. Maybe metamorphically as well.
“Look at Mommy, muffin.”
I instinctively whimpered as I met her gaze.
She took my hands into hers.
“I am your Mommy, not your Mother, I don’t care how much space you take up. I won’t come in here to tell you to quiet down and continue my day. I won’t laugh at you or downplay your feelings either.”
“Bu-”
Mommy shushed me, putting her finger on my lips.
“Ah ah, Mommy isn’t done.”
“Sweet girl, I am your Mommy. I love you. My actions will always show my love for you. My door is always open and I choose to walk through yours in every universe. There is nothing I wouldn’t drop or put on pause for you, and I don’t care how many times I have to tell your sweet little soul this until it sticks.”
I scanned her facial expressions and detected no hint of malice, no coerced compliance, no disdain, just nurture.
“But I also know how your stubborn,” She began to boop my nose for extra emphasis, “little, noggin, works, so here are some quick reminders: No I am not mad at you for this, you are not wasting my time, you are not codependent and giving me the sole responsibility of your mental health and or regulation, I promise I can handle this, and I still love you to the Moon and back.”
“The Artemis II way or Apollo 11 way?” I chirped.
Mommy chuckled before she kissed my forehead, “Always the Artemis II way, never in a million years would I cut corners with you, my little astronaut”
A quiet, little voice bubbled to the surface, “Kay mama I love you toos.”
Mommy picked me up and set me on her hip. To me, she was always the strongest Mommy in the whole wide world, she could carry all my weight, no matter the type or amount.
“I think we need to get you some sunlight and movement, how about a scavenger hunt? We can find some bug friends, flowers, leaves, everything my sweet baby girl likes?!” She cooed.
I gave a small nod, Mommy always has the bestest ideas!
And the adult voice in the back of my mind knew she’d slip away for a few minutes to wash our sheets, but the little girl in control paid no mind, and as far as she knew, Mommy was just slipping away to get her a popsicle and iced water in her baba.
