•8/24/2020•

Primary Strawberry System

🔱 Solace / Lace / Lacey ( Primary New Host - He/They + Neos )

🍀 Makoto ( Comforter - He/They )

✨ Aether ( Caretaker - He/They )

✒️ Wylbur ( Creative Drive - He/Him )

🥚 Tallulah ( Little - She/They )

💋 Aries ( Sexual Health - She/Her )

🎀 Penelope ( Muse Gatekeeper - She/He )

🌹 Ivy ( Disability Management - She/Her )

🐚 Ainsley ( Disability Advocate - She/They/He )

🔪 Ashley ( Vibe checker & Apathy - She/her )

🐻 Molly ( Middle, Caretaker - She/They )

👑 Cori ( Grief Management - She/Any )

Athena, Artemis, Eros ( Littles - All she/her )

♥️ Frisk ( Secondary Caretaker - They/Them )

🟣 Uzi ( Societal Depression Holder - She/Bitz )

⚓ Siren Ulysses ( Self Insert Archivist - He/They )

⚡️ Rai ( Culturalist - He/They )

Wyldbloom Subsystem

🌿 Elias ( Secondary Host - He/She/They )

🪻 Wysteria ( She/They + Neos )

⚙️ Taimi ( Internal World Caretaker - She/Her )

🫧 Soo-Won ( Caretaker - She/Any )

❄️ Ibis Frostmoon ( TBU - She/Wolf )

Wishes Subsystem

🌟 Solaris ( Secondary Host - He/They/Star )

🌑 "Lunaris" ( Intense Fragment - He/They/Star )

⭐ Althea ( Avenger - She/They )

🍄 Mirabelle ( Subsystem Caretaker - She/Her )

🪐 Jupiter ( Little - She/Her )

☄️ Andromeda ( Little - He/Him )

🔮 Rene ( Spiritualist - He/They )

🌌 Aurora ( Little - She/Her )

🪽 Nocturne ( Survivalist & Trauma Management - They/It/He )

☀️ Calypso De Lune ( Derealization Specialist - Capital She/Her )

🗡️ Delaisser ( BPD Management - They/It )

Sinners Subsystem

🌠 Remi ( Boundary Enforcer - They/He )

✴️ Stolas ( Memory Archivist - He/Him )

Bloxxed Subsystem

🪓 Wyvern ( Obsessive Holder- He/She )

🔴 Lilith ( Generational Traumaholder - She/They )

💾 Melanie ( PTSD symptom Holder - She/Her )

🛹 Kasper ( Chronic Sickness Holder - He/Any )

Sugary Subsystem

🪷 Lilliwen ( Chronic Pain Holder - She/They )

🌼 Deluce ( Lilliwen's Caretaker - He/Him )

🫐 Tea ( Sensory Overload Holder & Inner Child - She/Her )

🍬 Sugar ( Obsessive Tendencies - She/Her )

Temporarily Dormant / Unknown

🌐 Tari ( Streaming Personality - She/They )

🦑 Callie ( Songwriter - She/Her )

🦠 Charlie ( Survivalist - He/Him )

🍓 Soren/Ren ( Ex-Host - He/they + neos )

🐾 Renixmae ( Creature Introject - Any/All??? )

🌈 Charlie ( Hyperfixation Specialist - She/Her )

🔥 Tommy ( Adventure Introject - He/Him )

But then, you look back on it and realize how much of this was a long time coming.

...If letting that part of me rest is what it takes to live, and move forward- then I wish him the most peaceful rest. He deserves as much, for the last 10 years of what he's been through.

Like. I thought people I had talked out of suicidal thoughts would be my ride or dies. But no, as soon as I became homeless like 90% of my friend group just stopped talking to me outright.

...But there's another part to it, too.

When you become homeless, your world kinda shrinks. Like a LOT. Even though I have access to a phone and electronics and can talk to people, its rare I even have the energy to do so anymore.

All of that energy is just being put forward to try and survive. To make it through the next day. And it is so completely exhausting.

Even with 🧡&🩶 helping every step of the way, it's exhausting.

I'm ambiverted by nature- I need to be social to not go insane but also my social battery plummets really quickly. It's also why I used to stream for 3 maybe 4 hours max, because the crash afterwards would leave me exhausted the rest of the night.

...But also, just surviving and having to constantly be alert and trying new resources, keeping 🧡 alert at the wheel so that we don't get creamed by a dickweed with an exposed muffler and afterburners... That's exhausting. And more than anything I just want people to hang out with and talk to.

...but everyones kinda... gone.

The only people who still talk to me on a daily basis aside from 🧡&🩶 is Musey & Yaz, and even then half the time theyre usually too busy with their own lives.

...everyone's kinda just moving on, huh?

The world seems to go by so quickly... So quickly it's spring again, and people are just...moving on. While I'm stuck here. Trying to just be alive when I want nothing more than for it to just stop.

...Time has always seemed to be at a standstill for me. Maybe that's why ISAT is so important to me.

...

It keeps getting harder to ignore.

With every bad news, every inconvenience, it just gets more and more unbearable.

My body feels like a hollow shell of itself, breaking and fragmenting and reducing itself to nothing over the course of weeks, of months.

So much of me wants to just crack the shell apart- open it to find the wound within and squeeze it tightly. Break apart the cracks and pull through the blood and viscera and guts to find where I actually am again- find who I am again.

Be able to say 'there you are' when I actually look into a mirror instead of wondering what broken creature stares back at me.

...Maybe then I'd be less broken. Maybe then I would be able to pull through this.

...........Or maybe, I'd stop breathing. And I would finally be allowed to rest without judgement- rest without fear

....At this point, I would accept either outcome.

Im just so tired of proving I deserve to exist.

War is sparking, Flowers are blooming in the Artic, and I am just struggling to survive. Almost every minority under the sun, and what do I have to show for it?

I just...feel hollow. Feel tired. Feel hopeless.

...Maybe I do deserve this. If I wasn't holding her back, maybe I wouldn't be like this.

Ive been...thinking. the last few days, I've been thinking.

For once, it's not stress. Not "what's going to come next" with fear or anything- but... Curiosity.

What comes next for me?

I've been wrapped in the same cuccoon playing the same beat on the drum over, and over, and over, and over again- until it all fell apart around me.

I stand in ruined ashes of what remained.

My system collapsed, reformed, reserved. It's not small- and there's many who don't have a "fitting" role for them... But it's mine.

I've been sick for as long as I can remember. I've been beating at the edges of my enclosure, trying to make something hear me. Yet I still survive, still preservere no matter how much it hurts.

Am I...stronger than I thought?

Or is that too prideful? Is being proud of where I'm at too much, because it was my loving partners determination to move forward that got me to where I am?

...I don't know.

Something in my chest screams, it is not a mournful noise- but one that echoes and spits open. I am free. I can breathe. I can move forward.

But what...comes next? What do I wanna be? Who do I wanna be?

I have spent so long in the bubble of my own world- so long pacing time for when I would finally break out that I never asked myself...what WOULD I do?

I don't even remember the things that used to make me happy anymore.

The things that made me smile then, they just fill me with exhaustion now- make my lungs ache. I try to parse the thoughts.

How do you build a new self when the foundation is so charred and smoldering? How do you move forward when everything has evaporated around you?

I want new goals. I want new life. I want, I want, I crave for the need to rebuild myself. Outside of this shell that is focused on survival and existing for spite.

I crave, claw, eat. Gluttonous thoughts, of a new self. A new me.

My new roommates ask what hobbies and talents I have and I...struggle to answer. What AM I good at? What CAN be useful? What things do I enjoy that give me purpose, give meaning?

I draw... I play video games (poorly), I used to stream and that all fell through. I write poems (poorly now), write fanfic (rarely) and start project after project but never finish. I sing, but I don't songwrite anymore (I don't know if I could ever go back to that life) and...that's about it. I'm good at dissecting media, I'd like to think. Good at making lists, making plans, charting things out.

We wrote poems downstairs. It was the first time since he died. I took up the entire page and the back.

...but what gives my life purpose? What are things that make me happy?

What projects have actually given me joy? What ideas have I sought to completion?

Are there...any?...

This doesn't even feel like self deprecation, but a more...bafflement? I used to have hobbies, used to have interests- and expressed them lovingly! What happened?

I tore out the heart that beats in the center, listen to it thrum in my hands.

My brain craves for new. Craves for excitement and jumping head first into the unknown. It wants to know this new me, the new self that I must build from the ground up.

Yet I don't even know where to start with that- I've had to put up the mask of someone who is small and inconvenient for so long. Someone who isn't a bother.

I can...afford to be a bother.

I screamed for someone to hear me, yet no one did. So I'll make my voice impossible to ignore.

How do you rebuild new from the old? How do you find your purpose? How do you...