Little Old Man Of The Earth

I used to be VERY insecure with the way I looked, but I’ve kind of come to terms with it. I just learn to live with it and deal with it. Lately, all those feelings have been coming back. I would call myself less than average in terms of looks. Nobody has ever given me the time of day. In college, I learned to not care about the way I looked and to move on. There’s just something about being abroad that has seriously questioned my identity. In America, I would just deal with American and Korean beauty standards. I wouldn’t really compare myself, though. But here in England, my identity is American and Korean amongst a sea of English. I’m suddenly finding myself trying to keep up with English beauty standards. People don’t find me beautiful or attractive in America, and that’s fine. It’s different here. I’m compared against American beauty standards first, because I identify myself as American first. I don’t fit the image of a typical American (whatever that means). There are A LOT of international students here, and a lot of my time is spent with them. There are many international Asian students (chinese, korean, thai, etc). I feel like until I open my mouth, people assume I’m one of them. I definitely don’t fit into typical Asian beauty standards. Then there’s the English beauty standard, which is so new and different. I don’t fit into that either. I feel like an unattractive lump of shit. The dynamics are just so different because I’m an international student. I’ve just been questioning everything about myself. I don’t fit into American culture, and I don’t fit into Korean culture. I will never really be a true American, and I will never be a true Korean. Nobody in America likes me. Nobody in Korea likes me. Nobody in England likes me. If I don’t fit into any of these identities, what am I? Who am I? I don’t have any significant other back at home who can reassure me that I’m wonderful just the way I am. In America, I don’t wear makeup everyday other than my eyebrows. Occasionally I’ll add a few swipes of mascara. In England, I’ve found myself wearing more and more makeup every day. I find myself wanting to impress people. I don’t want to let them down. I’m tired of being “the one with personality.” Why can’t I have both? My personality isn’t even that great. I don’t even fit in with personality standards! There is nothing I have to offer. I don’t have money, looks, personality, smarts, an ambitious future, or talents. what the fuck am I even doing here?