vamp with not enough money for chicken nuggets

[id. A twitter post by @/Bennieeexyz Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat. Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records. My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now. Called the county clerk. Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty. Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons? Me: Yes, but he's a cat. Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county? Me: He's a legal cat. Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption. Me: He can't file anything. He has paws. Clerk: You can file on his behalf. Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat." Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons." Me: What's the medical reason? Clerk: He's a cat. Me: That's not a medical condition. Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving. Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later. "Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement." Took the letter to my vet. Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty. Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty? Me: Excellent question. No good answer. Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten. Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve? Vet: On what grounds? Me: He's a cat. Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings." Me: Perfect. Sent it in. Got another rejection. "Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court." My roommate thought this was hilarious. Roommate: Felix is going to jail. Me: This is serious. Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens. Decided that was actually the only option left. Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters. Checked in at the courthouse. Clerk: Name? Me: Felix Martinez. Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix? Me: Yes. Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat. Me: I've been saying that for six weeks. Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption? Me: I filed three. All rejected. Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief. Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation? Me: Twice. Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this. Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me. Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote? Me: You tell me. Supervisor: This is a data error. Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out. They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience. Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry. Me: Appreciate it. Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted? Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats. Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card. For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was. Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud. Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent. Roommate: That's what they all say. Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now. Fitting end to his legal career. end id]

moodboard

the benches need to have backs!

The weather forecast says a heat wave is coming. It’s never been this hot before, you feel like taking off your entire skin. The Thermostat says it’s 23 °C. The basic rules of modesty do not apply anymore. You get as naked as you can possibly afford at all times. Can you wear a bikini top and boxer shorts to university? Your professor does. Flip Flop. Flip Flop. Flip Flop. You turn around to see if someone is following you. No one in sight. You walk a little faster. Flip Flop. Flip Flop. They’re almost here. You sit next to a stranger on the bus. Your thighs are touching. When you try to get up for your stop, you cannot move. The stranger is staring out of the window, but you can’t see their face in the reflection. Your upper legs have fused together and it will only be a matter of time before one of you consumes the other. It’s 36° and it’s getting heißer. Life doesn’t feel hard at all. It’s getting heißer and heißer. You try to turn off the radio, but as soon as you turn your back to it, it’s 36° again and it’s getting heißer. The Klimaanlage in the Deutsche Bahn is broken. It’s always been broken. You’ve heard people say there is a single car where it works, but it’s never the one you’re in. The doors of the Tram open and 50 hungry lungs breathe in in unison. You don’t hear anything but the rattling over the Weichen until the next stop. You didn’t know you could hold your breath this long. You come home to find all of your shoes have been replaced with Flip Flops. Even the Sandalen you put on your own feet this morning have transformed while you were out, it seems. Or did you put them on? You can’t remember. There’s no answers. You wake up to the sun shining in your face. It’s 4 am and your window is on the north side of the house. Mom asks you to mäh the Rasen. You are sure you did it yesterday, but you also feel your nostrils longing for the smell of frischgeschnittnem Gras. How long has it been since you’ve eaten anything? The Flutschfinger at the Kiosk is 4,50€ now.