Wolf 359 but written by and interpreted by cishets

Idea inspired by @straighttpp which in turn is inspired by @straighttma

Cutter and Pryce are together, but they still leave in the bit where it's implied Cutter adopted her originally

when kepler threatens to torture lovelace and eiffel in desperate measures it’s weirdly horny. double whammy of “male villain is creepy toward female hostage” and “villain is creepy towards same-gender protag” tropes that cishets seem to love. kepler is schrodinger’s straight villain; simultaneously queercoded(because gay people are scary and evil obviously) and way too sexual towards Women Specifically. bonus points if it ends up being the “depraved bisexual” trope. writing this dealt me 2d10 psychic damage

eiffel grabs minkowski and kisses her to “shut her up” when she’s yelling at him for something. this is presented as cute and romantic

kepler and jacobi fight over maxwell

pryce is infertile as a way of showing what an evil inhuman monster she is

eiffel is female. she’s mainly a comic relief side character. she’s legitimately dumb and bad at her job because haha women ditzy and emotional. she’s canonically bisexual but really just a bunch of gross bi stereotypes in a trench coat; she experimented in college, she hits on everyone, etc. it’s implied she slept with cutter to get hired. this is either played for laughs or a legitimate plot point.

maxwell is the “weird computer robot girl who can’t feel or understand emotions”. this is alternatively played as a joke and used to show how she’s eeeeevil(because morally ambiguous women aren’t allowed in our cishet podcast). her entire personality is lowkey just a slapdash pile of shitty autism stereotypes but this will never ever be acknowledged.

Maxwell is a guy cause no computer smart women allowed. Ppl start to ship him and Jacobi so the crew start calling them "like brothers" all the time

they’re all men. all of them. with the possible exception of samantha lambert the uptight bitch that reveals she’s so “irrational” and “stuck-up” because she’s insecure about being a weak delicate woman among all these strong competent men. bonus points if clarke is also female and cutter hits on her.

Pryce is Cutter's assistant instead of his partner

sigh. lovelace and hilbert have sexual tension

Minkowski is a guy cause obviously there's no such thing as competent woman commanders. when Lovelace comes back she's uber "emotional" cause she's a woman. maybe she even laments that she'll never be able to start a family since she's stuck in space cause that's obviously what everyone wants. Rachel is of course the seductive secretary trope. Pryce would have to be very feminine if she stays a woman. def implied Cutter and her are together. also implied Cutter has a thing for Rachel

The really one dimensional, uptight minkowski we see in like the first three episodes would be her only characterization

instead of being a critique of capitalism, goddard futuristics being evil is twisted into “technology bad”

the main characters are all cishet white men. maybe there’s two or three women, maybe one poc, perhaps even a brief moment w a gay character, but all of them get brutally murdered for angsty man pain

there is a laugh track.