It's A Mad Fucking World

How is it that I just met you, yet I literally don’t stop thinking about you. All day. Every day. I don’t know you well, I get that, that’s why this is so crazy. Even putting my thoughts into writing seems completely insane and I realize that. It’s hard to express what the hell im feeling, but I know I haven’t felt like this in years. How can someone make you so happy, yet so sad? I feel both emotions with you simultaneously and it makes no sense. More intensely than ever. Seeing you last night..it felt like my heart stopped for that single moment. It was the best surprise I could have asked for my birthday. And my god, this feels so odd and I don’t want you to know how I’m feeling. I wish I could tell you. I’ve told you too much already. And I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I’m tired of people telling me I’m crazy or that I’m gonna feel different with some time passing. They don’t know. They’re not in my head, they don’t get what I’m feeling. They’re not me. You say we’re horrible for each other, but I don’t see it. I think we can better each other. I think we can be there for each other. I really think we could make this work. But it sucks you don’t feel the same. It sucks more than anything I’ve been through, because going back and wondering what you could have done differently may be taxing, but it’s not as hurtful as not even being given a chance. And you’re not giving me a single chance. I can’t force you to do what you don’t want to do, and I don’t want to. If you’re not in the right state of mind I get it, I’ve been there. It just sucks because I didn’t think I was in the right state of mind until I met you. It’s like I felt ready to get hurt again. I felt like opening up to you. I felt like I could compromise everything for that slim chance that just maybe it would work. The worst part is I’m crazy about you and I know how insane that is and I can’t talk to anyone about it...because I know it’s insane. Trust me, I do. I think about it all the time. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away from you, but you have a power of me, and I don’t think I can make myself do that. Maybe putting it in writing will make me realize how fucking crazy this whole thing is, or maybe it’ll just make me feel better, feel like I’ve spoken to somebody about it. I don’t know. I wish you knew. Or I wish you would give me a chance. I just wish I could do something about it. But for now all I can do is be okay with where we’re at and enjoy every second I spend with you until you decide it’s over. I realize it’s crazy to think the things I’m thinking, and I feel like I can’t talk about it, which drives me crazy. It’s like I’m in a constant catch 22. I don’t know what to do. I just know that the sun’s coming up and I’m still up driving myself crazy with the thoughts of you.