They’re so charming, I just wanna:

I think the concept of fame made sense to me because it’s about reaching a wide breadth of people, and the ideal that all those people accept you. But I don’t think I actually want that.

For all of my life in school, I’ve felt this innate stress of "there’s a right way of doing things, and you’re doing it wrong. You need to be better."

This applied to everything: in the way I take notes in class, in the way I do homework, in the way I draw, in the way I eat, in the way I exercise... the list goes on.

There’s always been this stress that’s felt so crippling, but at the same time, there was always a flame of hope in my chest that as long as I endured, I will be okay and eventually like what I do. I’ll adapt. I’ll be better.

But this past month, I’ve kinda just...

...given up?

And I know that sounds bad out of context, but... I’ll try to explain in the best way possible.

I don’t feel the need to impress anyone anymore. I’ve accepted how I eat is how I eat. How I draw is how I draw. How I feel going through life is how I feel, and I can’t change it right now.

I still get nervous about posting. I still get anxious about calling friends or hopping into a call. It’s not like I don’t have fear anymore.

It’s now like, "yeah, I’m going to stay in bed all day and read fanfiction. So what. I don’t owe anyone anything." My brain before would berate and tell ourselves that we’re disgusting individuals. But now, there’s no voice in my head yelling at me for feeling fear and seeking comfort in the things I like.

Same thing with eating. I had a mental breakdown over a bite of cheesecake in October last year. But now, I’ll snack in the middle of the night, unapologetically, and I don’t hear anything back.

There’s no mean voice in my head right now. And I don’t know how to cope with that? I’ve always had a mean voice that’s motivated me to do things "correctly." Sometimes, I feel afraid that I won’t "progress" as an individual without it. That I need it.

But for now, I’m just tired. I accept that I’m tired. And that I’m just trying my best with the person I am.

Me, in class: Yes, here are my exploration doodles for The Songbird and the Sea, the indie novel it’s based from.