GHETTOMEADOW

1 year and 9months

I made it to the final week of the academy. The class got four weeks of ride outs. One evaluator (a paramedic ) for the first two weeks and a new one on the last two. First evaluator was stellar! They even made me feel like I might fit in just fine with the department! But the second, just reminded me that there are people out there that shouldn’t be teachers.

But of course my brain chops the experience in two sides. One, I don’t want someone to sugar coat the job for me, but also I do want them to compliment me a little if I did something really well. Not lie on any of my evaluations and show that they want me to succeed. Which the second evaluator didn’t do any of those. So im going into my final week with one more ride out. With instructors from my academy and it’s a final stitch effort to see if I will be competent to move forward.

Welp, I made it into an academy. Three weeks in and I’m mentally exhausted. NGL, I’ve had thoughts of giving up because I keep putting down that barrier that I can’t seem to get around.

It was super intense the first week and even now, about to go out and pick up calls. Im going to be tested for every call. A part of me is super nervous but another side doesn’t even want to start. And that’s bumming me out because maybe I could be really good at this job! Or I’ll be horrible. But that day I did a ride out with Malia, I had a great time! Even though we didnt have anything exciting.

I need to find that confidence. Being a bike messenger gave me so much freedom and excitement because I didn’t know what job I was going to get and where I was going to go…… I just wanna e really good right now and hate these awkward parts in the middle because I self doubt myself so effing quickly 🤦🏻 plus I have some kinda tendonitis going on in my arms and when my body doesn’t feel good my mind goes so quick after it. So if you read this. Just shoot a thought to the universe and maybe throw in that I got this. Because it’s not a very big thought in my head :/

Money

I hate this subject so much. Like loathe it! As I’m getting older and not making enough to properly solidify a base for my future, it makes me feel so unworthy or impotent. Yeah, it’s not a great feeling. It also makes me feel like I’ll never be in a successful relationship if I don’t have my money right.

The last two serious-ish partners I had. The honey moon phase went great! I even got along with their families! But once trips were taken and plans for our future became available on the table. And the other person realized that I can only afford to stay where I’m at. That’s when the partnerships began to dwindle. Sex starts to fade away and then emotions become more visible.

So! Being on this path to hopefully be a fire fighter has my brain in this idea that once I get in and through the academy. THEN I’ll start becoming an adult, paying of my debts, begin laying that base, AND POSSIBLY being with someone that’ll want a positive future with me. Or play the solo game and travel to places I’ve wanted to go to and not have that weight of “oh I hope they’re having a good time”. That’s for another subject.

Having all my egg in this basket is scary but it’s not at the same time. Because I’m doing this on my own. No one is doing the work for me. No one is giving me answers. Not really anyone is checking in on me either. I finally feel like I’ve been given this space to myself and it probably reads to be sad. But a big part of me likes that, if I put in all of this energy and work, that a outcome will most likely be in my favor. The only biggest obstacle at this moment is a stupid fucking written test that i keep failing at. BUT ONCE I PASS THAT!…..then it’s another waiting game that i have zero visibility in knowing if I’ll even get a call back. And being a middle age white guy is the biggest downfall. BUT! I’m not complaining because I want everyone in! Men, women, everyone in between, black, Asian, Hispanic! EVERYONE! If they have the heart and respect for the city and the department.

Everything will come together. I just need to be patient and persistent. I’m a believer and recently have understood that everything happens for a reason and the universe knows when it’s time.

They don’t know that. I didn’t tell them. But I’m just sitting in my thoughts right now. Lots of people go through life doing things that make themselves happy. Not really thinking about what others around them are going through. It would be pointless for me to tel them now but this irritated feeling I have going on, it’s fucking stupid. I wish these kind of thoughts wouldn’t hang out in my brain. But also I kind of wish fireworks weren’t a thing too.

Great news, right?!

It’s an amazing opportunity if I pass the damn test. The job is not glamorous in any way, shape, or form. But it would be a great chance for me to give back to SF.

I fucking hate tests so fucking much! Like they have always been the bane of my existence! I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to buy note cards, fill some out, loose steam, and a day or two before the test. I’m going to cram, feel shitty about myself, and not pass. Does it really need to be that way? I deleted IG and another app that have been taking my attention away from actual life. Yeah, this is kinda the same but I’m not religiously checking it.

Dating.

WTF am I doing? While I was out with this woman yesterday. I had thought. She doesn’t like to do the things that I like. I was/am physically attracted to her, but I dunno! It would be cool to run into someone that likes the same music I do or has an open mind to the things I like.

I shouldn’t even be dating! I’m an idiot! I should be investing in this damn fire path! Instead I keep falling in the internet pit of time sucking. But my motivation has been super low due to my brain hating anything about memorization/school related skills. How stupid was that to read?🤦🏻 I dislike my train of thought and also lack of excitement when it comes to this! I feel like if i stay on this low energy mode. I’m going to fail out. This sucks so much. I have a bucket of excuses and I’m tired of every one of them.

-Sleep Alarms

-pre ground coffee

-experienced coworkers

-copious amount of patients

-that gut feeling of eagerness. It’s the same one that wants to reach the destination but gather all the experience at the same time. I don’t wanna confuse it with stubbornness.

- considerate roommates

I wanna write a gratitude post. But I’m physically and mentally drained. I haven’t been focusing on my mid-term that is today and I keep looking at dumb dating apps. I really need to prioritize what’s important and what I need to do without

- that first scoop from a new PB jar

- morning routine from Pickles😸

- quick talks with my attractive Roomate

- new Madlib album

- the return of my internet crush

-old thoughts of hugging said crush😸🤦🏻

- melatonin

- finding I have more swims on my swim pass

- ocean sounds

- premade salads

- smiles from my internet crush and extremely kind words that make me feel good

- knowing others in my life that have been suffering are finally at ease. RIP Hanna and Tim D

- falling asleep

I’m tired.

I just want to fast forward to the good part where I’m with an amazing woman that challenges me to be the best human I can be, and I’d do the same for her. Constantly growing, learning, and understanding one another. I’d be a fire medic and would be giving back to my community. Would have a small but efficient home. Maybe a kid or two that add a different view on the world and challenge my wife and I in a completely different way!

My relationships have all followed the same patern. The first 9 month to a year always are the smoothest but once we get into a year/ year and a half, that’s where things begin to get shaky. I’d say almost every time I’ve parted ways was my own fault. My complacency, lack of challenges, insight, or strong bond with my own family could be some of the reasons why I can’t seem to get it right. This last woman I thought was the one. She has everything I’ve wanted in a partner. Smart, great core relationship with her friends, so much unconditional love and support from her family, she doesn’t have any vices, and whole heartedly cares about people. That’s why this has hurt so much more than anyone else I’ve been with.