Storm Clouded Mind

Today I went to the OB for my annual check up like I do every year to get refills on my birth control. As the doctor and I were talking, she asked when my last period was. I told her I haven’t had one for two years since being on birth control. I swear, when I started on this birth control, they told me that my periods could possibly stop. Since mine did, I didn’t really think anything of it. Unfortunately this should have been a red flag a long time ago. Now they are worried that there’s either something wrong with my thyroid, or I have polycystic ovary syndrome. Okay, no big deal. I just take another medicine to regulate my hormones and give my periods back (yay…). But they said depending on the outcome, it could be very difficult for me to get pregnant, if at all. I have never really wanted kids, and my husband and I have discussed having children many times. We agreed we didn’t want them (genetics on both of our sides really suck, and we would hate to pass that literal shit pot on), and if we ever decided we did, that we would adopt.

By that logic, the thought of probably never being able to have kids shouldn’t bother me, right? But no, I feel like a part of me died. I guess I never was faced with the reality that I wouldn’t have a choice in the matter.