Journey Of A Lifetime

You are not my man nor so I want you to be.

I did it I finally moved on from the ex and filed for divorce. Best feeling in the world was bringing the papers and serving him myself first thing in the morning!

My businesses are growing and I’m growing as an individual and a business owner. My girls are happy and growing and doing great things.

I’m finally coming into my own and I love the woman I am becoming. I didn’t even know she existed.

My goal is to get better with journaling and getting all my thoughts out instead of holding things in and learning to let go for real.

It took me a long time to realize what I was worth but now that I have there is no going back.

Look at me doing everything I said I would!

Started talking to the new guy again last night. He finally reached out. We talked for a little while and then today for a few. He’s busy I’m busy life is busy!!!!!!!

Last night I actually slept through the night it was weird. But I guess it was because the ex didn’t come back here last night. It was so peaceful. Then he came back and I left. When I came back he was gone again it was amazing and now he’s gone again.

Life is looking up!

Now bed time soon and work in the morning. I love being able to work again. It’s so freeing.

Some pictures of my girl with her new clothes for your evening.

I spoke to my mother the other night and it was actually a good conversation for the first time in years. Maybe with removing the correct negative out of my life everything else will come together.

So I did make a decision not to go back to working at the school part time because when I thought about it I would be losing money and time with my girls.

Tomorrow me and the little are going to go school clothes and shoes shopping and it’s gonna be a good day together.

Oh well on to the next day of helping someone else so they can enjoy their day! While I watch dogs and a house.

The last 1 1/2 years have taken so much out of me. Surgery after surgery. Recovery then back to normal and then boom surgery again because something goes wrong. No one to help me during recovery just me like everything else. I have a family that I built and that I was born into yet I still have no one to help me. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to give two shits about me.

But when someone, anyone needs me I’m there anytime anywhere. But I still am alone. People act like they care but they don’t. It’s been made clear over and over. I think are this point it’s starting to become real and I’m feeling the effects of it.

I feel like after he cheated he literally left. He left his body , this relationship and this family. I’m feeling like a lost puppy in a new home and it’s so hard. I love him so much but I think we have both falling out of love with each other. No emotion no romance no laughing no nothing.

I feel so alone and empty inside. I want to be alone but at the same time I want to feel like I’m not alone. No one checks on me, no one helps me. Everyone talks a good game but in the end they never really show up or care. One person tells me to go back home but that’s not possible because if I do I have to give up all of my pets and they are like my children, on top of that I have no reason to go back to Florida. For what ??? I would just be doing the same thing I did coming here. Running and Hoping that things would be different. The funny thing is boy are they different. I w always been the one who is there for everyone else and not myself. And now I don’t want to be there for anyone not even myself. I guess since I’m invisible to everyone I just want to stay that way.

I removed all of my social media accounts last night. I’m officially a ghost. I don’t want to see all the fake posts of happiness and loving families posting about how wonderful their lives are. I don’t care! I’m sick of feeling like this and I’m sick of being this way. I was an amazing person so fun, happy , loving everything. But I guess I e been that for so long to the wrong people that it has finally gotten to me and now I don’t want to be anything to anyone.

My ex is still telling me how much he loves me but doesn’t want to really change I don’t think.

I struggling and I really should t be. I know in my heart it will never work with my ex because of the stuff that has taken place over the last year. And this new guy is a grown up, has a house, takes care of his kids, has a big boy professional job.

I hate that my heart and my head are fighting man.

I fucked yo though and fell back I to the trap called my ex. I felt like he was trying to be here for me and I fell into bed with him. It’s only happened once and then I found him on FaceTime with a female.

He swears it was his friend but at that moment I realized shit is never going to change. I unrooted my life and my kids from the only place I knew as home and got away from my family to try and save a man who honestly I don’t think wanted to be saved. Since the day we got here things have been different between us and then his little trailer trash girl that he cheated with came into the picture and that was it. The trust was gone and I still tried to hold on to something that wasn’t here anymore.

How do you just stop loving someone you spent half of your life loving? You have a child, you only really have him and your kids here.

I may never figure out this answer but I know I need to pick myself up and move the hell on. Last night apparently he decided to go through my phone and found out I met someone while he wasn’t living here and all of a sudden now he is good to move forward with the divorce. Amazing how I tried to work on everything and let him back after he literally slept with someone and had a whole relationship outside of our marriage but I speak to someone else over the phone(haven’t met in person) and I’m the devil. Bro get it together.

It’s time for this chapter to end and for me to move the fuck on. Maybe not with this guy that I met, maybe I’ll be alone forever. But either way I need to not feel like this anymore. I’m tired of feeling alone and like I have to cater to someone who has no respect for me or the vows we made it front of all of our family and friends 10 years ago.

Whirlwind man but it has been the best and worst at the same time. I was strong during my recovery well the worst part of my recovery. But once it hit a week my heart broke open and I was sad and missing what I thought I had.

Then I saw things that my ex said about my oldest daughter and that was it. How do you walk I to a child’s life 10 years ago and raise her, don things in school step up as a dad and then when it doesn’t work out with her mom you say all of these hurtful and nasty things that show you never cared or loved her or her mother.

The fact that he gets to be free like a bird honestly is bullshit as well. No bills, no rent, no child support nothing. He lbs just out there doing his own little thing being happy and moving on. Meanwhile I was left with everything I closing finding a way to pay the rent since he didn’t pay his portion.

Have you ever been in a relationship that is so confusing you just can't figure out the left from the right? One day your in love, the next you don't speak.

So my husband an I have been married for over 9 years but we have been together since we were kids.

A few months ago he stepped out on me and our family and ultimately long story short we decided to be together. For months he has been working and doing so well with making everyone feel comfortable again.

I still have this other person in my head all the time. She is like a ghost that now lives in our home with or family. There is no contact between them anymore from what I see ( and I have searched) and he is no longer going to his meetings which is where he met her.

But for the last couple of weeks he has been so different and so blah with everything. Now he is looking to go out with a family member all the time and says he is just bored.

BORED!!!!! you are bored being home with your family. Like WTF? Yes everyone needs time to themselves and away. I get that I need it too (never get it). But to tell your wife you are bored is a red flag for me.

I bring up things about the past because I'm still dealing with this damn ghost and he gets mad because I keep bringing it up. But what am I supposed to do? I told him last night I will not bring anything up anymore.

I feel like i'm on the worst roller coaster of my life and I want off. I love him and want my family to stay together but how to you get someone to open up and be real?