Welcome I've been expecting you...

If there is one that I can’t have is regret in my heart. I always like to exhaust all options even if there is a 1% chance. I like to make sure I ask you that 100th time if you’re sure. I will do things 10 different ways because that 10th time might just work.

I will fight for a relationship until I know there is absolutely no hope whatsoever. BUT! If the time comes where there is no hope, no feelings, and no way, then I will walk away.

Please make sure that you are 100% sure that this is your choice, because once I have exhausted all options, asked that 100th time, and tried that 10th different way and still nothing… I will be completely done. I let go of everything and everyone and I never turn back.

I have had friends that I just stop talking to all together because there is no use in continuing a losing battle. This is how I am, I will be loyal until the very end and when that end comes I can always say I never left with a heavy heart or having an inkling of hope left.

I miss the feeling you gave me in the pit of my stomach when I saw you in person for the first time and you hugged me. God you smelled so amazing...

I miss when we first stepped foot in your house was the first time I tasted your lips, so sweet...

I miss the feeling of laying comfortably on your lap and enjoying being so close to you I could touch you whenever I wanted... You enthral me...

I miss kissing you more and feeling you fuel the flames in my heart that I never thought could ever be ignited again... You possessed me...

I miss the feeling of your hand as it crept up to the nape of my neck cupping my face to pull me in more so I could kiss you harder... It was almost like, you craved me...

I miss us finally getting into bed and laying down and at last being able to see your sleeping face so close to mine... You slept so peacefully...

I miss waking you up slowly with kisses all along your ear and neck never missing a spot... I want every inch of you...

I miss your hands touching me and with each caress my heart beats faster because it was like your hands were meant to be there... It was so erotic...There's so many more things I miss and this list can go on for hours... But for now I'll say this....

Sometimes we ask ourselves if the pace we are going at is the right pace, but who really knows what society would consider "a good pace".

Sometimes we seem to move so fast because we get caught up in the bliss we encounter when we are with someone who seems too good to be true.

Sometimes we go at such a snails pace that the feelings just dissipate and we end up falling out of lust with that person. Who is to say that the pace I'm going is to slow or too fast?

I'm not one to fall fast with just anyone, you have to take me to a place that no one else knows but you and me. You have to be able to completely own me with your passions and what little emotions or feeling you do show me, entice me, make me curious about the mystery that is inside you.

This has to completely be spiritual to a point where I feel like no one else can get on this level of what is purely US.

Everything else falls into place when it works so well and you can feel it.

Arguements are arguements, we all have them but at the end of it if I don't love you so much more after it then I want nothing to do with US.

Insecurities tend to fade because looking into their eyes or hearing their voice or texting that person makes you feel centered and those things don't matter anymore. The burning feeling in the pit of your stomach will never go away it will just get stronger as will the love for that person will get stronger.

As humans, we tend to stay with things or people who or that make us feel the most comfortable because the possibility of stepping out of that comfort zone scares us.

Getting into a new relationship can be scary, we don't know that person and they don't know us... It's tedious to have to start all over again in having someone get to know you on that level that the other person knew you... It's hard because you feel like no one will ever understand you like they do...

Then you realize if the other person knew you as well as you claim they do things wouldn't have ended the way they did.

You would know that they would fight for you to stay but no matter how much you know someone at the end of the day, how they feel could change in the blink of any eye.

Something that was always hard for me was to express my feelings. I have really intense feelings that no one can really handle and I've learned this over time. I feel very passionately and hard!

With recent events I've notice that when it comes to my emotions, I havent changed. When someone wakes up that part of me it becomes harder and harder to put that shit away.

I cant just express what I feel because it comes off as too much and with everything I feel I dont show this side to people until I'm WELL into a relationship.

It's kinda like I see you're not going anywhere so I can finally unpack and let it all out. I havent done this in a very long time and it's way too scary for me I mean let's face it, way too many time have I got kicked to the curb and told me, "I'm not ready for a relationship..." and then be with someone else despite not being ready. I've gotten left to pick up the pieces each time. I know that it's not my fault for people feeling this way but you can understand why it's so hard for me to express myself in fear of spilling everything and then getting left.

I hate feeling this vulnerable...and I hate that I allowed myself to get wrapped up in promises and words that I thought held more meaning than anyone else I've ever been involved with. I guess because I saw this as an opportunity of "well they are in the same boat as me so we will be on the same page and this will work" I dont really know...all I know is I hate speaking about how I feel and I will lie straight to your face and tell you "I'm okay" or "I'm over it" but in reality I'm not but to be honest...telling you the truth isnt going to change anyone's mind and it's just burdening.

Me spilling the beans isnt going to change anything which is why I just dont say anything and leave it alone...ask yourself if hearing what I feel is going to make any difference in the situation? If the answer is no then dont ask and I will put a smile on my face and continue to go through this on my own...

#Expressingoneself

#Openingup

I saw you for the first time...it was so surreal to me to finally see that smile I've been staring at through pictures. The way the corners of your mouth creep into and sly smile and slowly show a glimpse of your teeth through those tasty lips that I love kissing so much, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Let's start from the beginning of our first moments...when you sat so close to me, that I can feel the heat of your thigh on mine, then seeing you turn around to smile at me to simply say "wassup?!" My heart did that thing it does where it skips a beat and then get the warm feeling in the pit of my stomach which everyone calls "butterflies" began...I wanted to hug you so bad...and not one of those bullshit hugs we gave each other at first, no. I wanted to hug you like it's going to be the last thing I'll ever do...but ill compose myself for now...

When we spoke it was like a dream. Having us sit there and just laugh and have a good time gave me this blissful feeling and I didnt want to wake up from this dream.

I would catch you from the corner of my eyes stealing glimpses of me every now and then and I wonder each time "what is he thinking when he looks at me?"

Finally the night comes and everything becomes this space of only me and you. I watch you play your games because watching you play is so entertaining for me.

Then comes the first time you willingly touched me...softly rubbing the back of my head. Though it was short, it sent little sparks of electricity down my spine...you're so gentle.

Now the flirting ensues. We talk about how you wont do anything to me. Knowing all well this is what I want, I act like I'm not fazed...we move to a more private place and finally, the first kiss we share...you taste so good...feeling your tongue with mine and your lips kissing mine, biting my lips as I bite yours put me in a trance...I didnt want to stop...I wanted you right there...everywhere you touched me put me in pure ecstasy...I wanted more of you yet we had to cut it short...

Coming back from our private place we immediately get into a laying position where you're laying on my lap while I play with your hair and stare at you...

You have no idea how handsome you are to me. Tracing my fingertips along all your facial features soaking in every detail of you so I can keep the memory of you and me in that moment forever. I'm completely enamored with every part of you.

Having you stare back at me made me feel like nothing could ever come between us. At that moment, I hope you can feel how much you mean to me. That moment I wish I could have stopped time to enjoy it just a bit longer...I was getting greedy.

I'm so scared but also happy because it's like, these feelings havent come out in a very long time but the risk of getting hurt will always be there. The last time I've let myself feel for someone I let them wholeheartedly have all of me and I found myself on my knees begging that person not leave...i told myself i would never do that again. I thought he was the person i was going to spend my life with...its hard getting back to that point but hopefully this is different...we always hope for our next lover to never hurt us, that it will last forever.

For me I always thought it wasnt in the cards for me to be happy with someone, that I was meant to just be alone with my child and live my life for my kid.

Who knows at this point? The best I can do is take everyday I spend with you like its gonna be our last and enjoy it for now because this can all end tomorrow...

Today is one of those good days... Last night was the most we've spoken in quite awhile. At this point I'm just content with you talking to me this way right now... I'm not going to be greedy today. I'm am however, going to smile at my phone and re-read our conversation 4 more times. I'm going to smile at this most precious memory.

I won't be greedy today...

#gooddays

You've asked me to explain why you? Why? Well I had sometime to think about this...

I could have someone who is considered emotionally stable and ready. I could have someone who never gets into dark times and depression episodes. I could have someone who lives I'm the same state as me. I could have someone I can talk to every single day.

In the end I can have anybody that could be "easier" but I don't want easier. I want you. I want you for your flaws, your dark times, your episodes... I want you for everything that you are. These flaws do not define you. These flaws don't influence my decision on whether I want to be with you or not.

I've never once blamed you for things you can't control. I'm not like that. I do however, blame you for not giving me enough credit to know I can handle this... I blame you for not giving me the benefit of the doubt.... I blame you for not giving me a chance to muscle thru the darkest times with you, even if that meant not talking to you for an extending amount of time, or stepping back emotionally because it's too much. I blame you for not just simply communicating with me on what is going on thru your head.

#depression

#selfworth

#loveyourself

You’re so bad even till the end

The last words you said with your back turned

Were the cruel and potent, goodbye

I got so mad, I lost my cool

Fine, it’s over now, yeah

I don’t know, I did the best I could

Although all of me is breaking down because of you

Darling you

My hope inside this fear is you

Darling you

Even though the world tells me

At the end of this long journey, nothing lasts forever

Darling darling you

It’s only you for me

How many times are you just gonna cry?

Please stop

Just date someone who doesn’t make you cry then

I hate myself for saying such cruel words

But I hate you more for making me like this, yeah

How much longer do we have to be in pain?

All of you is breaking down in one moment, but

Darling you

My hope inside this fear is you

Darling you

Even though the world tells me

At the end of this long journey, nothing lasts forever

Darling darling you

It’s only you for me

I’m drunk with the strong alcohol that is you

And I’m swaying again today

I’m lost in your maze but

Darling you

I’m crashing against your wall

And I’ve crumbled down again

But if it’s you, I’m happy

Darling you

My hope inside this fear is you

Darling you

Even though the world tells me

At the end of this long journey, nothing lasts forever

Darling darling you

It’s only you for me

#Taeyang

#BigBang