stop trying to be clever

if it is causing distress, what is the distress factor?

what are you holding on to, what are they? 

so I have written a lot about confusion, emotional distraught perspectives of a chaotic understanding of anything. But the point has now become moot. 

I enjoy art, I find it therapeutic. I enjoy science and the make-up of anything weather its psychological or the physical remanence of a substance reacting, or even the combating forces to create a storm. I believe in good health. I believe education needs to be equal and then we would have more results and a better society from it as well and I believe in forgiveness. 

I believe that there is no such thing as something controversial if it is honest and if it’s hurtful there is a way to over come by learning. there is no such thing as too old, or too young. With so many language barriers and distractions it’s almost impossible to get anything done, but there is also no such thing as the right way. Just a way. and a way that is done.  

There’s an owl that lives outside my complex. Out of curiosity and concern I quickly turned to google to search: strange animal noises~; to; define: bird calls at night; related: new england   intext:nocturnal birds site:.edu 

After all these tricks and neich to google searching in an oddly entertaining way; I found The  Great Horned Owl. 

Native to Protegida La Montañona, Chalatenango, El Salvador conveniently also here in the New England area and all over north and south america and conveniently distracting me from my very awkward and soul crushing agony of the lack of my emotional intelligence.

People always say “But you’re so smart” I think they just pick up on my perception when I’m relaxed; Constructive, methodical. I wish I picked up on that own sound and centered appearance; but when It comes to emotion, I’m rather coarse. That analytical adaptation I adhere to is rather detached.

I get afraid. I get anxious. I freak the hell out. Out of defense, I lower myself and others I care about to these delusions of the ‘social panic’ about respect and self worth that I quickly turn to being Def(l)ective. Salty. Petty. Cruel, but mostly defensive.

I don’t want to define anyone but that is so damn hard to just not know about partnerships and as a woman and speaking on my own dignity; Even backing up and thinking about how I think that way; it shouldn’t bother me. As a human we are animals and being animals we get territorial and I hate any instinct of that and it bothers the hell out of me.

Like sex/ attraction/ aggression; these are all things we can all be intelligent about. And we constrict ourselves limiting our own intelligence letting our instincts get the best of us. Hormone versus factor.  

I guess what I’m poorly trying to explain in a way partly (which this bigger part is not something to be explained “partly” and I will try my best to continue further in this blog) is that education is not a pythagorean theorem stupid equation but rather educating ourselves in our own emotions and benefiting our gift of intelligence to best our previous plesant but troublesome attributes.

In a lot of ways, it’s growing. It mostly comes from experiencing and constructively taking apart situations as a person to grow but from facing my emotional discrepancy and conflict I find that both men and women and humankind alike can benefit fully from acknowledging their emotions as openly and as fluid as searching about some bird at night.

I messaged someone I cared about that I discovered the “dinosaur noises” referring to the owl beg calling from the back of the reservoir as such. 

Both in a cheeky hello as well as a soft subtle goodbye in one bitter sweet melted peanut butter chocolate hey knowing full heartedly that I can’t say another word for a long, long time.

Let it go. That’s my best advice. Don’t pick at it; don’t try to understand it and do not let you’re stupid insecurities tear at it because you know it will fall apart at your hand expecting it to. 

its kind of strange really having this uncertainty starting every day just staring off at the ceiling not sure if I should keep my thoughts to myself or actually get up and make a difference but I can’t help but ask myself but what point am I trying to get across. 

what do I have to add to the world and what do I have to gain. it’s very vacant and also the exact opposite of doing anything productive which leaves me even more uncertain and even more behind on what I actually want to accomplish. 

the noise something makes when its tuned but not quite

just that slight out of place tinge unable to differentiate if a note is too flat or too sharp