Getting Personal

Im still struggling. The closer i get to ending this chapter ready for the next step in life the more suffocated i feel. As if theres something here trapping me trying to dig its claws in and not let me move on. I have so much i need to do and ive been procrastinating to the point of recklessness. Im really gonna give it a go from now on, im terrified of success sure but im even more terrified of failure. Im glad though, that im dealing with a different more active problems. Something that i can fix and work on and not just suffer through wondering why. This time i know why, how and what i just need to act..//

// im so fucking mad i just finished writing a humongous vent about a really shitty time for me this time last year that i was so ready to put down and put here because i needed to and my phone died. It had the post just sitting there ready for me to tap into and when i did. Bam. Back to my dash with the post gone. Maybe its the universe telling me i shouldnt write about it yet.. //

// I feel like im kinda stuck. This time last year is when a lot of things turned to shit and i had a lot to deal with but it all changed me and i was learning how to cope with those situations. But now a year on its like idk nothing is happening which is good but i dont feel like im living. Its just im going through the motions but im not doing anything significant i want to but im no able to reach the points i want to till i hit 18 but at the same time i dont wanna waste my last teenage years looking to grow up. I dont miss the shit that happened by no means fuck it almost destroyed me if i wernt so mentally strong but i miss having the purpose like i didnt have time to get caught up on the little things as i did before and again now. Its a habit i wanna break but im not sure as to how. Sorry for the really long ramble but then again you decided to follow my whiney ass//

//lightening the overall theme to lighten up my mood//

//ill keep quiet with the bullshit for now//

// this account is like porn with too much plot. Photos with too many thoughts. My daddy always said the soul of the body is at the back of your brain where it meets the spine cuz thats where all your memories and stuff are and its what connects your mind to the body..//

// So someone i used to know is trying to crawl back into my life and like idk i dont want all the shit i dealt with over the past 8 months to have been for nothing. But they havent changed and i have. I think ill let then stay a ghost of my past.//

// Your bitch is better now gotta love sleep //

// its just gone midnight and im crying in bed trying to keep quiet so my mother doesnt hear my sobs. Why might you ask. Well im lonely as fuck like so fucking lonely. Must i only find happiness in other people? Why cant i find it in myself? Why cant someone just be there for me to fall back on just this once? Oh well i have no idea who ever is watching over me really needs to step up their game because im getting more and more lost as each day goes by. How long till i lose my spark all together. I used to have such a fiery passionate personality but that flame is slowly burning out and i dont know if i have the strength to relight it.//

// tbh im afraid of staying alone. But not in the physical sense of no one being with me but actually being alone in myself. The thing that scares me most is losing me in my head with all my thoughts and feelings that give me individuality. I dont even know how you would lose that ordinarily however it scares me just as much as heights or being murdered//

// this is all i want. Is that too much to ask for??//

// more low quality is the best quality//

// ill find you one day //

//Black and white neon is still neon//