This Art Stinks

A few weeks ago, I was officially diagnosed with autism. At the age of 33. And I've sort of been having a crisis about it. I've been looking back on my life in a whole new perspective and it's just.... frustrating and upsetting.

I was autistic the entire time, and I just didn't know it. My mannerisms, that I didn't even know were weird, are likely the reason so many classmates and even adults were mean to me all the time. I've gone my entire life just thinking I was some kind of alien weirdo because people are inclined to be mean to me or give me disapproving looks every time I just exist in public. I still don't know exactly *what* I am doing that's so annoying, though; for years I had chalked it up to being atrociously ugly, because one time a classmate told me that was why he was mean to me. But it turns out, being universally hated is a very common autistic experience.

I have always been aware of the fact that I used to be extremely energetic as a child, but as time went on my energy got drained from me and never came back. I also used to be able to emote, but now I come off as expressionless and rude to coworkers and other people, which is causing conflict in my daily life-- and I'm scared of confrontation!

One time my dad told me that the doctors gave me vaccines that made me hyperactive and hard to deal with when I was little. And he was glad I didn't act that way anymore. My dad would always make fun of me and laugh with my brothers about how I cried and had big emotions because I was a girl. And I would be outright punished if I expressed anger. I felt so cringe and stupid about my emotions that I started to hide them. And now I don't know how to show them anymore.

I used to have enough energy to come home from school and work on projects (Sonic Comix and other YouTube things) until dinnertime, uninterrupted for hours, after a hard day of school, every single day. I used to be really passionate about what I made, and I used to be so excited to share it with people. Now, ever since I contracted "depression," I can't work on anything for longer than like, an hour at a time, and it's always forced. It's a chore now. I'm so tired. Turns out it's autistic burnout from trying to act a certain way and play a "normal" character all the time. For decades. I've now hit the burnout point and I don't know how to get out of it. I still have to go out in public for work and play pretend all day, which keeps me exhausted. I still can't let my emotions out, and it's tiring to hold them in.

I wish i could back and undo all this damage that was done to me that has permanently ruined me as a person.

It's like as if someone put a "kick me" sign on me as soon as I was born, and everyone knew it was there, but instead of helping me, they all kicked me. All of them. And I didn't find out until I was 33 and a professional told me "Hey, you've had this 'kick me' sign on your back the entire time! That'll be $800." Cool, so now what do I do about all these injuries and shoeprints that are all over me?