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oh that sounds about right

i don’t really know how to talk to u anymore but that is on me

not that i really know how to talk to anyone ever frankly

but ill stop being pathetic for now

i didnt know it was you. well had a feeling but denial is nice. i think i was glad to see it was you. i’m not totally sure

you do have a very strong right to hate me

but that wouldve been easier for me i think

i cant even get into rational arguments FOR fiction kin cuz nothing is rational for me.

& its objectively not true. right?

its bizarre. ik the rational is = ptsd & mental illness & Cope. that doesnt change internal experience.

“but u didnt remember anything before watching aot” well Bud I was 12 yrs old, already moderately psycho & consumer of psychedelics, I remembered & felt a lot of shit that wasnt based in reality. And the years since then… I repress this part of me like no one else - but a few slip ups, triggers, or just bad week - & suddenly something wrong is bubbling 2 surface.

anyways just saying mental illness feels so belittling and condescending cuz its always there repressed or not.

idk what IT is but -

comparatively/in the scheme of things i’m great!! or should be

if ur possibly who I think u are. then I will say I am sorry.

Out of the loop ig

I feel someone was like “this guy is weird… i dont want anyone like him around” but ik that is just MY ego complex

Anyways any adult fictionkin?

children make me want to throw up cuz i feel so bad for them

u see something about me is that my brain is not very stable

I am also very sad. like all the time. like ive depleted alll my dopamine thru traumatic experiences (many which brought on by my own bad decisions) + drugs since 12 yrs old more/less (triggered early onset psychosis)

and I do TRY REALLY HARD like all the time.

but i end up in the same fcked up loop of sitting staring at a wall for 30 minutes deciding if i should punch it or myself

jk but ive had a very very very bad month. and i am so close to totally crashing out.