ugly.

"getting laid" is very hot and sexy. "getting off"? great news as well. so you would think "getting laid off" would be wonderful news for your penis. but alas

Had to ban the phrase “tricky dick” from my classroom during watergate lesson because saying the word dick in front of 30 fifteen year olds is like lighting a bomb and throwing it through the doorway but now they’re just calling him Richard the Treacherous like they’re all medieval peasants. gonna lose it

Staying at a somewhat shitty hotel. Can’t get on the wifi. Tell the front desk. They have no IT support so the desk guy just gives me the admin password. Tells me “that should work. It’s just you and me using it.” Imagining the two of us skipping through the world wide web holding hands

sorry, i mythologized your boyfriend. yeah i took him and a few other boyfriends and merged them together with local folklore and mystic elements into one legendary figure. he's going to be really hard to pin down historically. sorry about that. I can make you his consort in some stories if that helps.

This is good advice, but also why this picture?

It’s hard for two horses to be intimate when there’s an erupting volcano nearby. What’s not clicking

caving as an extreme sport is sooo unfathomable to me why are u as a creature of the daylight doing that. were u born without the dread in ur bones or something

Remember kids! the first step to not dying in a cave is not going into a fucking cave.

no one seems happier in life than those eccentric old ladies who wear all one color or collect frogs or have wacky hair colors and usually live alone with some funky pets and have weekly book club meetings with their equally amazing friends

Whenever I see an Ivan Aivazovski painting the sea monster in me goes absolutely feral

God if I saw this in person I'd straight up start slithering. Start writhing

She's right

Wait, lemme look something up

Okay, that's funny