My Writings

So I was supposed to make something for us to eat tonight but we got to talking and she asked me how FB dating was going. So I said well not really that great. It's been 8 days and the only match was from the weekly vibe check. And I think the only thing I'm getting from it is how unrealistic it is for someone like me...maybe I already missed. Or maybe I am meant to be alone and the sooner I give up and stop fighting that the better. I'm tired. I will continue to be optimistic for now but if I reach week 2 with nothing still well... I guess it's not going to be worth investing time into. Maybe it's a dream and I just haven't woken up yet??

I don't know what happened. It was like someone flipped a switch and I'm not OK. No rhyme or reason just out of nowhere trying so hard not to cry...I don't think I'm going to succeed.

Guess I'll just give up and die then...

It's a 1/4 after 4 and I need you... I want the one thing I can't have and I'm already getting sick. Please...I just need you.

Well in the ever continuous discovery of life sucks I found out the truth. I feel upset, betrayed, cheated...I never had the chance to make a choice. I asked her what happened, I thought we were getting back together and suddenly we aren't. She said she wanted to but after some thought I decided not to because of the Furries. And then she said the line: " It's just in my head. " it hit like a ton of bricks. Suddenly I started flashing back to everytime she said it in the last 7 years. It was me all along, you said it was fine, just in your head I wanted to fix us but you weren't honest and now I don't get my second chance and I never had any chance to fix it. She said I was in before her and it was wrong to ask me to change. I'm so hurt, I just want the one thing that mattered back... So I put my hoodie on to go work on my car and I stepped in front of the mirror and there it was. Proud Furry. I cried. Iflung it off. I was disgusted. I can never be happy in the Fandom now because it's cost me everything. And I can't fix it. I now have a box labeled: S#!@ that ruined my life. It's got everything in it. She saw it when I asked her to help me move the entertainment center I had just completed, she asked what was in it. I told her trash. She checked it and I ugly cried and we talked. I'm sick and sick of it I'm getting rid of everything and I'm going through all my stuff. She doesn't want me to because it's my stuff and I have so much money in it all. I'm F$%#%&! Disgusted with all of it, the box also has ME written on paper in it because I never figured it out. I'm so broken... I have lost so much weight and I just want Game Over. I'm so hurt and I can't have the only thing I want. I don't know what to do anymore, who am I?? What now?? I'm trashing everything. Nothing matters anymore anyway...

I thought I was getting my life back...it's been such a roller coaster for the last 6 weeks. But it's now official, she doesn't love me, she doesn't want me, she doesn't understand why I want her. I can't afford to leave and go elsewhere, I can't cope and I'm a wreck. Been losing weight I can't afford to lose...I'm tired. I think I'm just going to give up. Can't do this anymore. I almost quit life once and days like today I wish I could go back in time and tell that cat to stay home. She might love me but tell her it's better if he doesn't walk back out of the woods. I miss her so much. I wonder if I can wither enough in a year that she can meet my spirit in a dream and she and I walk along the creek again and me just not wake up??

It's so hard...I want her happy, but knowing you aren't it anymore and this one probably is. I feel sick. I've got so much running through my head. Guess sleep won't come easily tonight, probably cry after she leaves tomorrow evening. It's hard...

So I guess it's been about 3 weeks since my roommate (read X-Wife) and I had our little tiff. Took her 4 days to come around this time and like usual was only concerned with the way she took what I said and completely missing my actual words. And furthermore not considering the words she said to me. So after addressing her list I had things I wanted to address like the fact she tells everyone I'm gay "because it's easier "(I'm actually Bi) and when she says we should get back together so I can rub her back to help her sleep every night. So I asked if there was actually any truth in that. Long story short she said yes there was. We have not slept in the same bed much less the same room for over a year. But I was invited to bed to rub her back and I was like ehhh why not I guess and we have slept in the same bed for probably the last 2 weeks. Well suddenly she tells me she's bored and lonely and wants someone to talk to and decided to try FB dating. Started talking to a guy that looks like my brother (I have a theory and a story, but another time) and she tells me that they are only talking and nobody is looking for anything. I told her we started out talking and look where we are and they would hook up. 24 hours later she tells me she has a date with the guy next Thursday after I get home from work. I'm getting mixed signals and it upsets me. Our entire relationship was supposed to be honest, no secrets, no lies and if you aren't happy leave. I have days I wonder if it was one sided...I NEVER stopped choosing her... I told her everything but somehow missed telling her I was Bi, I still swear I did but she says no. She asked if I ever thought about it and because we don't lie or keep secrets I said yes. Never talked to another guy because I had her, forever and always. But I guess that wasn't true. All the way to the end I never stopped choosing her. I told her if she wasn't happy I would understand if she wanted to separate and wouldn't and couldn't blame her. I guess she took it as I wanted out and not I wanted her to be happy. So I let her go. They say if you love something to set it free and if it comes back it was yours, I thought she was coming back... They also say the one that moves on first cared the least... she was talking to someone before the divorce was finalized. Tonight she asked if I didn't feel loved and if so it was sad. I didn't answer. I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I don't feel loved. So I'm laying in bed with her and our oldest child and the cat and I'm stuck in my feelings. My questions. But I do have you old friend. You matter to me so much, you listen every single time. And you are here every time, thanks for hanging around with me. Good night Old friend...

Guess I'll just throw everything away... it's just stuff after all and since when has stuff ever mattered?? Forget the dreams, the plans, the ideas, the thoughts...it's just stuff. One man's trash is another man's treasure, but it's still the same stuff. If nobody else sees it like me then why should I value it?? Why do I care?? It's just stuff, all I have to do is remind myself that it's only stuff...

Was in bed trying to sleep by 1 and here I am 6 minutes of 3 punching keys like a caveman... I'm tired and while I'm excited for the new trailer it's still in the park and my cats don't get to go. Just the kids cat. If I knew they had a good home I would be fine. But I know if they end up at the SPCA how it will go. Liam will have the best chance with his striking pattern and being the best adjusted. Toothless is skiddish but loves attention and his eyes being half green half gold might help overcome the black cat issues. My Jackie however has no chance, black and white and timid and shy as a church mouse. Cats cowering in the back of a cage don't get picked... but it's not my house. I know she says it is mine and hers but it's all in her name and still in this trailer park. I'm sure when the new wears off I'll slip into what I know and maybe then I'll fade into the shadows quietly and alone. Good night old friend and thanks for always being here for me... it means a lot right now.

Here I am again old friend...I have F#@%&$ up so bad this time. If it weren't for my kids I'd probably quit life. I have been destroying my life for the last 3 or 4 years now and I've truly done it now. Got myself tied up with a scam to the tune of nearly 5K dollars. I'm borrowing against my 401K to appease the bank and not tank my credit again, but my truck is also on the verge of giving it's last. I just can't believe I have done something so stupid. My roommate (read X-Wife) came out to talk to me sat on the other end of the couch till they couldn't stand it, I can hear her crying in the bedroom... I have never ruined as much in my life as I have the last half of this year. I'm such a failure and disappointment. I've ruined absolutely everything. I've ruined everything from the beginning, it's always been me I've always been my greatest enemy. As long as I can remember it's me...maybe Taylor Swift was on to something with that one. Even the cats won't come sit with me. I feel like I should have gone to check on her, but I feel I would only make it worse... Why do I do this, when did I become so awful. They were right all along, all of them... If you were more of a man, We'll maybe if you were more man... I was never enough and I can see that nothing has changed. I'm tired and it's because I try to fix what isn't broken problems that don't exist because it's all me and always has been. I need to just not be. Not be or not be me. I'm sorry old friend I just don't have it in me, I'm sorry for the problems and I'm sorry I have darkened your door only to be a Debbie downer. Maybe if we meet again it can be better.

Hello old friend, it's been a while again. How have you been?? That's great I'm glad to hear it. Me?? Well I guess I'm doing good, I'm finally trying to move on. It's been OK I guess. Been talking to someone for about a week about actually meeting in person and I finally get back from the family trip. I asked what day of the weekend would work best and they said sometime next weekend. We spent an entire week planning for this weekend... Now I'm doing the things I do best and none of it's good. Sitting alone in the dark with my thoughts. It's been nearly a year and the 2 times I was supposed to meet someone in person suddenly they can't. Could it be I'm easy to talk to and interact with but I'm not actually desirable... Do people just tolerate me... sometimes it's a struggle but I'm tired now and it gets harder to keep it together and keeping things up. Maybe...maybe it's better this way. I'll see you later old friend I hope you stay well.

in my 32 years I can say I've never really been afraid before. Even when in church and being told you would burn for millenia if you didn't do as told. My grandfather used to spout off about this thing called The One World Order and they would control everything. It would start simple and then they would control ALL the money, then they could decide what you could buy when and how much and if you didn't fall in line they could take everything. Most money is plastic and numbers on a screen with a name in the bottom right...they are telling us what we can and can't buy... He was right. I'm not afraid I'm terrified. Is it already too late??

Life is day by day and even though I feel great and make plans I might not have it in me by tomorrow. Some days are just hard for literally no reason, had plans on going fishing this morning. Alarm went off and I grabbed a blanket and balled up instead. Roommate comes out at 10:27 I thought you were going fishing? Not today. Oh. I see my Mustang sitting there and as excited as I was to get it back I sometimes think I'll just give up and sell it and the boats. I feel that I've lost my passion in life. I'm just tired. When I was single I used to fish 340 days a year with 4 hours minimum on the water and if I wasn't fishing I was wrenching on one of my 8 cars or the daily driver. When I got a second job I still spent upward of 280 days on the water and dropping to about 220 when she and I got together. After we married I dropped to about 160 days a year and got rid of all my cars but one and eventually got rid of it. When the kids came along I was afraid of being my father and also I feared they would think I cared about my things more than them. My trip count dropped to 12 attempted only 8 outings to 6 and 2 and 1 this year. I got lazy, and I got divorced and I struggle with me. Who am I, what am I, I know I'm not straight but by how much. How do I move on, I tell everyone I'm going to have a hoe ark but I don't know if I have it in me. Most days I'm fantastic but on occasion I just feel broken and tired. Thanks for being a listening ear my old friend...it helps sometimes. I appreciate that you are always here, until we meet again take care.

Was binge watching Final Space again and as usual I had to stop because I'm falling apart. And I'm questioning everything...everything I have done, everything I haven't done, everything I'm in consideration of doing. Did I ruin everything?? Did I ruin my family's life, did I ruin her life, did I ruin mine?? Am I?? It was a cold nasty day with nothing but rain and for some reason my brain has gone all the way back to that one. I don't often have days like today, but I just don't have the strength to keep it in as the music plays and the rain and my tears continue to fall I wonder if this is what it's like. The end... does it feel this cold and alone, the uncertain anxiety slowly slipping into despair as reality sets in. The tears and the taste of blood and the sobering pains and knowing everything that won't be. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure if I'm OK anymore. Who am I?? What do I want?? What am I?? I don't much care for being left with my thoughts on nights/mornings like this and I only hope getting them out of my head will let me sleep. I'm tired, I think I'll lie here and rest soon. Thanks for always listening my old friend. Perhaps...or