Stephy🌻

I sit and think about many why I survived. Being a child at 6 years of age, not understanding why many things are happening to me. Why did my father leave? Why did he abandon his four children? Why is my mother always up and energized in the middle of the night? Why are we all living in one small room? Why the parties every night?

Why? Why? Why? Why? 

Why was the first time being violated at the age of 5 with a little boy on top of me moving in a motion only grownups do? Why were we both naked? Why were children at the age of 12 and 10 making us do these things? Let alone why me? 

I could not fathom why. 

I could not understand why I let it happen.

It was a family friends children doing this.

I have never told anyone, till today. 

I felt weak and cried and shut myself out and became the shy little girl everyone knew and loved. Growing up I had always felt less of a human being for going through what I went through. I never realized how many people/young children have gone through similar trauma. 

But, having trauma does not make me less of a person.. I have survived the unthinkable and have gone through many hurdles. In the end I am strong, keep fighting, my fight is not over. I am becoming a better me I know I can be. 

“I woke up energized, happy, went to work and felt like on top of the world” said the older version of myself.

But when I was younger I did not feel energized, went to school and felt sad. I would also be secretly jealous of my classmates because they all grew up with their parents together, happy and always did fun activities together and went on family trips.

While they went on their trips, parks, movies, did fun activities together… i was visiting my mother at a county jail and or to the women’s corrections facility. Going from friends homes just to eat supper, spend quality time with their parents to feel like I was apart of a family. Getting home after curfew because I didn’t want to be home.

Hating school because that’s the only place I felt people loved me. Being sad because I didn’t feel anyone could see me. Afraid to be alone with anyone because growing up I was always taken advantage for, being sexually abused, witnessing domestic abuse and drug/alcohol abuse.

The start of a new year..... In January I begin the road to true healing. I start the road of Therapy. I’m very nervous of what may come, but also ready to start this recovery. My mental health, childhood trauma, abuse and emotional trauma. I get anxious and start sweating from just thinking about it. When I turned 30 last year I made the decision to get my mental health, anxiety and stress under control. But I no longer want to feel anxious or have to worry about when my next trigger will be. 

But, as Noam Shpancer once said “Mental health... is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going”.