Steny My Love

It was a balmy summer day in The Villages, Florida. Former Democratic House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer was doing his morning calisthenics walk when he passed the house of his former lover, Ethel Gilbert. Through the window, he sees a young beauty with blue orbs and brunette hair haphazardly thrown in a high messy bun when she woke up that morning.

He was awestruck.

She looks out the window and they make steaming eye contact. The Silver Fox winks at her mischievously. She gasps. From afar, he can see her turn to her left and mouth the words “Grandma, who is that?”

He sees Eth, that old hag, peak her head through the curtains. “That’s Steny Hoyer former Democratic House Majority Leader... and my former lover” he lipreads her saying.

I hate that old hag Ethel because she broke up with me when I was wrongfully dethroned from my position as Democratic House Majority Leader, Steny thinks. I need my vengence. 

[Authors Note: begin playing Suvivor’s Eye of The Tiger now]

Steny confidently struts up the paved walkway to Ethel’s front door while maintaining eye contact with Y/N. Steny, who dry scooped pre-workout for his morning calisthenics, kicked the front door clean off of its hinges with one kick.

Steny hears a thud and a scream. She looks to her left, that old cunt, under the door. 🚪 Steny thinks Good riddance whore. 

Y/N gasps and walks over to her absolutely demolished grandmother. Y/N puts her fingers to her carotid artery to check her pulse. Y/N does not hear a pulse. Her beautiful blue orbs well up with tears.

“There there you sexy little mama” Steny says, grabbing her ass. “It’ll be okay, she deserved it. She’s where she belongs”.

“You really mean it?”, says Y/N hopefully, her voice wobbling.

“I promise” says Steny. “And look on the bright side, if you can cook, you can come home with me”.

“Of course I can cook, I am a women” says Y/N.

Steny Hoyer takes Y/N’s hand in his, after giving her ass a final squeeze, and together they walk over the door on Ethel’s body, and into the sunset.

Y/N flutters open her eyes, feeling the heavy weight of a super muscular arm across her stomach.

“Mmm...Steny…”, she says.

“Grunt”, grunts Steny.

Wow… that’s so hot, thinks Y/N. How did a hideous hag like me end up with any man, let alone the sexiest man on the planet: Democratic House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer.

Y/N decides that she should make her Silver Fox some breakfast, to repay him for the luxurious life he has given her.

“Hey babe, good morning! I love your morning grunts,” Y/N says

“Whatever bitch,” says Steny.

Ugh he’s so bold, he’s not afraid to say what he thinks. I love a man that isn’t afraid to tell me my flaws, thinks Y/N.

“I’m going to make you some breakfast Sweet Cheeks, how does waffles, eggs, pancakes, french toast, fruit salad, a smoothie, bacon, hash browns, a bagel, donuts, freshly brewed coffee, and freshly squeezed orange juice sound?” she asked.

“Sure c*nt. It’ll taste bad anyways,” he spits.

Y/N’s beautiful blue orbs well up with tears, and her lip begins to quiver.

She turns to scurry to the kitchen (where she belongs) as quickly as possible, but something catches her eye and stops her in her tracks.

It is a neon green, 4” long press-on nail.

“Gasp,” she gasps. I know that isn’t mine, she thinks. I would never wear something so skanky and improper around Democratic House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer. What is this, a whore house?

Then it hits her: he’s cheating. Democratic House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer has been having hot, kinky sex with a whore in the same bed where they preserve their abstinence together.

Y/N bends down and gingerly picks up the nail and slips it into her apron pocket (which she sleeps in every night).

Unbeknownst to her, Steny was peeking out from under the comforters, silently observing. Steny was watching. Steny is always watching.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After witnessing Y/N discover that slut’s neon green, 4” long press-on nail, Steny sits in bed contemplating his next course of action.

[Authors Note: Begin playing J Cole’s “She Knows” now]

She knows, he thinks. Once she fully realizes what happened, she’ll never leave me alone. That ugly ass bitch needs to mind her business. Unfortunately, I can’t take that risk. I’ll have to eliminate her from the equation. 

Once Steny has his plan in mind, he goes into action.

He rolls out of bed and makes his way to the kitchen, where Y/N is crying into the pancake batter.

Damn, that bitch can’t even make pancakes right, Steny thinks. They’ll be all salty now.

“Hey honey”, Steny says completely not-suspiciously. “Don’t you have laundry to be doing?”

“Oh my god! I forgot! I’ll do that right now!’ says Y/N, frantically scampering out of the room.

Steny grabs the bottle of rat poison from under the sink and goes to work. He dumps the entire bottle into the pancake batter and begins mixing.

Y/N enters the room, surprised to see Steny making the pancakes.

“Steny don’t!” she cries. “That is a women’s job! And besides, you’ll hurt your wrist. You need to be able to send important legal documents at work!”

“It’s fine. They were ruined anyways,” Steny mutters. “Here, they’re all done.”

Steny sits at the dinner table, Y/N sitting on the floor like they usually do for all their meals together.

She takes a bite of a pancake, and immediately drops to the floor gasping for air.

“He... help…” she wheezes, lips turning as blue as her beautiful blue orbs.

Steny slowly stands up from the table, standing over her like a hunter might stand over his dying prey.

Y/N’s breathing grows shallower and shallower, her heart eventually stopping.

“Eat that, you rat bitch.” 

Y/N:Hi

Steny:Fuck women

It was a sunny Thursday afternoon. Y/N was at the bottom of the stairs of the outside of the capital building, her hair in a messy bun. Her Ugg™ boots making crunching noises against the autumn leaves. She raises her blue orbs to gaze upon the capitol building, only to see the most beautiful man she’s ever seen emerging from the front doors. Her view was obstructed by a crowd of reporters all shouting for his attention. 

But the man’s attention wasn’t on the reporters. It was on her.

It was Democratic House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer.

The sun reflected off of his glowing, silver hair. Each wispy strand blowing in the gentle breeze. Y/N lets out a breathe she didn’t know she was holding. By the time she realized she was holding her breathe, Y/N’s brain was so deprived of oxygen that she began to faint.

“Y/N!” the Silver Fox said from atop the stairs. 

He began to shove reporters out of the way and sprinted down the stairs to reach her. With the speed of Usain Bolt, he leapt from the top of the stairs, skipping all 200 stairs, and landing at the bottom, catching her just before she hit the concrete.

He gingerly laid her down on the ground, her long, brown locks fanning out around her head. 

Without wasting any time checking to see if she was breathing, Steny clasped his hands together and began to perform CPR.

Her ribs broke under his hands with a loud CRACK, but he persisted nonetheless. 

Finally, after 3 and a half straight hours of CPR, a bystander called for an ambulance. The paramedics attempted to lift Y/N from the ground and onto the gurney, but Steny refused to allow it.

“No.” he declared. “Nobody but me is allowed to lay hands on her.”

After being threatened with police intervention, the paramedics were finally able to get her into the ambulance.

They would not let Steny into the ambulance, so he dashed to his neon orange Kia Seoul. He ran every red light, and probably a few pedestrians, in order to reach Y/N at the hospital. Nothing else mattered. Only Y/N.

He burst through the doors of the ambulance bay and into the ER. 

“Y/N! Where is Y/N?!?!?!” he demanded.

A doctor emerged from the doors of the operating room. 

“Mr. Hoyer? Democratic House Majority Leader?” the doctor asked.

“That’s me! Democratic House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer!” he said. “Where is she? Where is Y/N?!”

The doctor shifted nervously on his feet and seemed distraught. A melancholic expression on his face.

“I’m so sorry. We did everything we could to save her.” he said

Steny felt his heart skip a beat.

“No...” Steny said.

the love of my life

the light of my life