( my my my !! )

         max couldn’t think to reply or much of anything. as soon as stevie drew her into her arms and called her fucking cute she lost all sense of time. taking advantage, she turned her head a little to bury her face into stevie’s neck. she didn’t misbehave, no planted kisses or ghosting of her lips. instead, she inhaled and kept herself there. she wasn’t going to waste this moment – one she’d been dreaming about for months. 

      her fingers curled into tiny fists on her lap. she wanted to pull her best friend tighter into her, but she would wait. she could wait, even if it felt like torture. 

        when she tried to speak, it came out in a dry croak. her throat suddenly in need of water – anything. so she kept quiet, it made more sense. at stevie’s admission to not being okay yet, she tightened in her grasp and then relaxed. she would be. they both would be. and if anything, her best friend was worth the effort. there was no one else she would even see. 

      pulling up to her flat building, she thanked the driver and followed after stevie. she ducked her head down, but broke her own rule and grinned up at her friend before making her way to the building. they made quick use of the elevator and with shaking hands, max was able to unlock her front door and usher stevie inside. she locked it behind them and dumped her keys in a bowl near the door. 

      “do you want some tea? or another drink? or i have water? soda?” she was running through a mental list of things she had as she fiddled with the kettle on her stove. turning it on high, she busied herself with pulling down two mugs and tea packets with sugar. once the kettle screamed, she quickly assembled and brought the two mugs into the living room. her heart was racing loudly and she felt dizzy. it wasn’t the alcohol, it was everything else. it was being this close to the woman she loved and unsure of what to do. 

      handing stevie her mug, she placed hers on the coffee table allowing it to cool. she knew she should sit on the opposite end of the couch, but found her body drifting towards her best friend. she curled her legs underneath her, her knee jostling stevie. “sorry. i didn’t mean to touch.” she sighed and balled her fists and then uncurled them. finally gathering some courage, she looked over at her friend. “i’m only a little sorry. all i want to do is be near you and touch you. it’s all i can think about. i’m trying so hard because you’re worth that respect.” she cleared her throat and felt her cheeks turn red. “i’d do anything for you, stee.”

    picking up the tea, she took a small sip and hissed as it burned her tongue. “motherfucker.” she placed the mug back down and sighed. “what do you want to talk about? what do we need to talk about? i want to get it all out in the open.” 

     the strange feeling of uncertainty left, only to be replaced with an overwhelming sense of anxiety crawling under her skin; the sleeves of her sweatshirt hiding cold hands as she shook her head, as max was listing off things she could offer, “tea’s fine,” she spoke in a tone just slightly above the whisper, “it will help with sobering up a little, no?” as if stevie needed to do that. she already felt quite alright, but... she just couldn’t say no to a little cup of tea, right? that would be just rude, and that’s the last thing she wanted to come across as.

     as she was handed the cup, the editor took a moment to somewhat roll up her sleeves before fully wrapping her hands around it. a silent ‘thank you’ was ushered, a kind smile graced her features as she found herself lifting the cup close to her lips, inhaling the calming scent of the hot liquid. it was helping. now she was as calm as one could get... until her best friend’s knee came into contact with her leg. she didn’t react much on the outside, but on the inside? it was a literal battlefield, or something similar. everything was telling her to apologize, even if it wasn’t her fault it happened.

     “--- no,” she silently interjected, hesitating a good couple of seconds before resting her now warmer hand on the other woman’s thigh, “it’s okay. things like that happen -- it’s just me who gets all up in her head about it. you didn’t do anything wrong. i...” stephanie trailed off, letting her fingers drum in a some kind of rhythm, her eyes wandering from the room and back to focus on max. “i don’t mind it... -- in fact, i am now asking you to do it more. just... i need to get used to this.” a sentence stevie never thought she would have to hear leaving her mouth; a silly, touch-starved person, practically begging someone to show how much they cared about her. 

     after figuring that it would be much better to settle the mug down on the table, stevie noticed that max may or may not have just burned herself with the tea. a small, stifled laughter left her lips before she could even catch herself doing it, “i’m... i’m sorry -- are you okay?” the editor asked amidst attempting to stop finding this small mishap so amusing. 

        “privacy makes sense. i like privacy.” she mumbled out the words in a jumble doing her best to make her voice sound brave. she’d been alone with stevie so many times before. a few times she crashed on the other’s couch. it was easy between them. no need to poke and prod and make sure. but things were different now and alone meant talking and maybe kissing and touching. the kind of touching that made her palms go clammy at the thought. 

      every touch felt like fire. the way stevie’s fingers slipped down her spine. she swore every single cell in her body was on full alert. she bit her lip and said nothing. somehow able to stop herself from moaning at the contact. she wouldn’t embarrass herself or cause her best friend to retreat. “happy tears or not, i think you’re right about getting home first. it’ll be easier. we can get comfortable. no pressure.” her cheeks flushed at the question. “i honestly wouldn’t know. i’ve never felt like this before and i thought i was the only one, so this is the best thing that’s happened to me in… a long time.” 

      her voice got hushed as the rocked softly on the curb. the uber would be there any second. then stevie leaned in and ghosted her lips over max’s temple. her eyes squeezed shut and she found herself yearning for more. her body moved to mold into the editor, but she caught herself at the last second and straightened up with a dazed look in her eyes. she felt cloudy now – as if her body had a mind of its own. it was begging her to slot itself against stevie. it was a safe space filled with warmth and calming smells. instead, she grabbed her hand and tugged her towards the edge of the sidewalk just as the uber pulled up.

      ducking down, she opened the door for stevie. “after you.” she grinned at her. “the beginning of so called trip has arrived.” she made a grand sweeping gesture with her arm before climbing in behind her. without thinking, she pushed up against her in the car after saying a quick hello to the driver. she took her hand again figuring it was okay before she kept glancing at her. “you okay?”

     how many times will stevie need to tell herself that it was more than okay to feel things? how many times she will need to stop herself from avoiding the skin on skin contact with the people that mattered the world to her? a simple touch was able to make her shift uncomfortably in her seat, her legs connecting with the brain and basically begging her to run away? it was okay. everything was okay. max would be fine with all of this. why couldn’t she? why couldn’t stephanie be one of those people? she had little to no idea as to what could have possibly caused her to react to it with fear, and at this point, she was too scared to find anything out about it. maybe it was far too late for that, anyway? who knew?

     she was all for pushing the limits. all for trying something new, with consent. once she let herself place that kiss to max’s temple, she felt as if she was about to go back to her shell, to hide. she wanted to run for the hills, become a sheep herder, and never, ever come back. but... she stood there, actually feeling quite proud of her small achievement, instead. it was all about little things -- little victories that were making other people smile and making them feel wanted. and this was all she wanted. to make max happy, when she -- clearly -- couldn’t exactly be happy, herself. not yet. soon, probably. hopefully.

     having actual, unfiltered feelings wasn’t as exhausting as she remembered them to be -- maybe it was because it was max. or maybe it was because she was finally letting herself to be enticed by the knowledge that there was someone out there, who had wanted her. who wanted her without needing to get something out of it. no ill-intent, no harm. just pure love. care. warmth. “--- i thought i was just seeing things, i wasn’t aware that all of it was real, funny that,” stevie thought it was something worth mentioning. “the... the moment i kissed you made me realize that i was not only blind, but also so selfish for not being able to figure out what exactly is going on between us.” she just wanted to act like a broken record, keep telling her best friend how sorry she was for not realizing it any sooner, but she figured that the other woman was going to hear it all the time from now on. 

     it was only then, when max inched closer to her, stevie had found herself being able to breathe with no restrictions whatsoever; her arms wrapping around her small frame almost immediately, “you’re so fucking cute, it’s unbelievable,” she found herself whispering.

    a silent ‘thank you’ followed max’s grand gesture. it was silly, in a way, but it definitely made her smile -- something that stevie thought wouldn’t exactly happen for a long time. once they got inside the car, seated and all, the editor felt a hand holding hers, “not yet,” she answered immediately, interlacing their fingers. it was the least she could do at the moment. “but i will be.” she has to be. there’s no other option.

      “hey, hey. relax. i know. i still know it’s you, stee. you don’t have to explain. i get it.” she gave her the best smile she could muster. her heart was beating wildly. her ears were burning a bright red that she was sure was still visible in the low light of the studio. no one made her feel this way – so out of control. in most situations, max knew how to command a room. she knew how to lead a situation, but with stevie, she was out of her depth.

      she cleared her throat. the rejection stung a little, but there would be time for all that. and above all else, stevie needed to be okay. she wasn’t about to ruin whatever progress they’d made in the last hour by rushing things. there would be time to kiss her again. “you make it easy to be soft and considerate, stevie. i only want you to be safe. i hope you know that. no matter how selfish i want to be and fuck, do i want to be selfish, i’d never do that to you.” 

      she cleared her throat again and moved to her knees. she cupped stephanie’s cheeks and ran her thumb over the slopes of them. “we can wait. and don’t apologize. never to me. unless you punch me or something.” she knew it was weak, but she cracked a smile. “i’d rather you not cry when i kiss you. my ego is fragile and all that.” she rose up from their spot on the floor. she offered her hand to help stevie stand. “c’mon then. i’ll order us an uber so we can get out of here.” 

      her other hand already had her phone out calling the car. she wrapped an arm around stevie as she lead her toward the exit. she picked up both their bags on the way out and made sure to lock up the door behind them. “two minutes it says. you okay?” 

     she knew she didn’t need to keep explaining herself to max -- max knew her better than anyone in the office, and out of it, as well. she knew her quirks, she knew when not to approach her or when to stop coming off too strong. this was one of the best, if not actually the best thing she could ever dream of -- to have someone so caring, so considerate as a best friend, possibly something more than that, later on. who knows what this night might bring them, after all. 

     and for the first time in her life, stephanie was ready to go with the flow, no matter how much it is going to stress her out. she could do this. for max. for herself. for them.

     “--- you... you make me feel safe,” where was this coming from? did stevie just turn the autopilot on and let all of the thoughts occupying her brain just flow freely, without facing the consequences? well, to be fair, it seemed like it. but, she couldn’t complain. not now. possibly not ever, if she’s lucky. 

     “it’s not that i am scared of it, i am not. i just... don’t want to do this here,” she was quick to explain, moving her hands around as if she was trying to make a point, “i want it as much as you want it, too. i just can’t seem to bring myself to do it in a place like this -- i like privacy. i would want this moment to feel much more private, where no one can see us. just... you and i.”

     she shook her head fondly at the brief mention of punching -- she would never do that. some even say, she wasn’t capable of hurting a fly, as weird as it sounded. stevie may have been making herself seem tougher than she actually appeared, but it was just an act. she wasn’t intimidating -- quite the opposite. “--- those would’ve been happy tears, silly.” stevie interjected, raising her hand for a second before slipping it back down the arch of the other woman’s spine once she stood up, “after all, how many times do you realize that you’ve got feelings for your best friend, and it all happens to be mutual?”

        she did her best not to laugh. she wouldn’t laugh at stevie and her question. instead, she tugged her friend closer and played with her hair. stevie’s hand on her thigh was a burning a hole to her skin and she felt like she was floating above the studio. “yeah, you kissed me first. but maybe it was only because we made that bet and you never turn down a bet no matter how dumb it is. maybe kissing me was a dumb bet.” she could hear herself rambling, but did little to stop it. it didn’t matter right now. all that mattered was stevie’s weight against her. 

      she liked it. her fingers trembled as they carded through stevie’s dark hair. her heart began to pick up again. she felt all of the sudden dizzy and centered at the same time. “you liked it.” she echoed it back with a smile now growing on her face. it was unstoppable now, the feeling of joy flooding her system as she listening. 

      life was full of surprises it seemed. all those months of worrying. the night without sleeping. all lead them to this moment – half drunk with swollen lips and the itch to do it all over again. max never felt as safe as she did with stevie in her arms. someone who always had her back and made sure she was okay. someone who made her laugh. someone who annoyed the shit out of her, but she could never stay mad. everything she ever wanted was in her arms. 

      “i’d rather you not try to resist me at all. i’ve been doing it for months and it’s exhausting. i… fuck.” she sighed and pulled stevie closer. “sometimes you don’t shut up and all i want to do is kiss you until you do. which might be never which means i get to kiss you forever and it’s a nice thought.” the words came out in a rush and she could feel her cheeks turn a dusty pink. there was no longer a need to lie or hide anymore. 

      “really? you’re all in? because i know none of this is easy.” she moved a little so that she could move until their foreheads were pressed together. “i know this stuff isn’t easy for you, stevie. but i’ll ask. i’ll ask to touch you every time. i’ll make sure you’re okay. i won’t hurt you. i promise.” her words came out hurried, but thoughtful. she meant everything. stevie was worth every single risk. she blinked a few times trying to swallow the knot forming in her throat. “you’re the remarkable one, you know that right?” she brought a hand under her chin and lifted it. “can i kiss you again or should we wait? maybe we should go back to mine to talk more?”

     “--- you are a dumb bet,” she was quick to respond; after realizing that what she just said might have been understood as something negative, stevie was quick to correct herself, “uh... you’re not dumb, nor you are a bet, i just -- it... it was a joke, i did... i didn’t mean that. i didn’t...” ramble on, you idiot. of course max knew that she couldn’t have possibly meant it as an insult. but... she still wanted to make sure that her words weren’t meant as a some kind of dig at the other. stephanie simply wanted to act like she usually did, and this situation wasn’t exactly making it easy for her. everything she said or did could’ve been taken as a sign of being uninterested. this was the last thing she ever wanted to happen.

     stevie felt herself relaxing, even if it was just for a second. there was something about max’s tender touch, and she wasn’t quite sure whether it was just the fact that someone was trying to comfort her, or it’s all because it was max who happened to be doing such thing to and for her. a silent sigh left her lips as she nodded as if she wanted to tell that she, in fact, liked the kiss they’ve just shared. 

     “i would do it again in a heartbeat,” she confessed, “if it was someone else, i wouldn’t. but, you... -- you made me realize that there’s no one else i would rather kiss. like, fuck me, man. it’s so terrifying, yet calming at the same time, and it confuses the living hell outta me...” the editor trailed off, hoping that whatever she had just said wasn’t going to make max back away, or worse -- make her thing that she didn’t want her, at all. 

     her eyes dropped down to the hand that was currently resting on the other’s thigh, not moving an inch as she was pulled closer. upon hearing that max has been attempting to resist her for a long time, stevie’s muscles tensed, dropping her shoulders almost immediately; how blind she had to be not to notice anything? maybe she thought that each and every time they were so close, the tension that was building up between them was just platonic, and didn’t necessarily mean anything? fuck. stephanie flynn was truly an idiot.

     she could only do so much as nod once again. there wasn’t a need for a verbal confimation, now, was there? stevie was so fucking sensitive that even the slightest contact made her flinch, or close up. she didn’t like it, but it was just the way she was. she was, however, willing to accept and learn that max wasn’t going to hurt her, nor did she have any bad intentions -- she wasn’t a bad person. she was... quite the opposite. she was perfect. and if there was anyone who dared to tell her otherwise, she would be the first one to make a twenty pages long powerpoint presentation, dragging them all the way down to the lowest pits of hell, really. 

     “--- i know,” stephanie whispered, closing her eyes for a second, or two, “i love that about you. i love how considerate and soft you seem to be whenever you are with me. i... couldn’t thank you enough for that...” she found herself adding. 

      stevie was responsive at least. she took the bottle from her and took a sip before putting it on the ground. she said nothing and that was okay. max figured it would loosen her resolve if she didn’t go first. glancing at her best friend, she sighed. the sight of her all but crumpling in on herself made her feel weak. “i’m gonna put my arm around you, okay? i don’t want you to freak out, so that’s why i’m telling you.” as she spoke, her arm wrapped around the woman’s shoulder and rucked her closer. 

      it felt better now with stevie slumped against her shoulder instead of in on herself. her warm weight was enough to keep her present. she cleared her throat and glanced at her and then back at the bottle on the ground. her fingers itched to grab it, but she wouldn’t compromise this position. “i’m gonna say a few things and you’re gonna listen. alright?” she calmingly scratched her fingers against stevie’s arm before clearing her throat again.

      “i like you. actually, no, it’s more than that. we’ve been toeing this line for months now. maybe even since we started the videos. i can’t pinpoint exactly when things shifted, but they have.” she paused to swallow and bring air into her lungs. “i’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now. sometimes it’s all i can think about, stevie. i don’t care how it sounds, but you should know. you’ve consumed my thoughts. when we’re not together, i want to be near you. and when you’re here, i want to touch you. my fingers ache for it.”

      stretching her fingers, she could see them shaking slightly. the movement made her heart begin to thump wildly again. finally, she shifted slightly to grab the bottle and take down a few gulps before capping it and replacing it at its former spot. 

      “sorry i ran. i just… you have no idea how you make me feel. i kept thinking maybe it’s all me. maybe it is. but you kissed me back and not just…” she cleared her throat. “i hope you were kissing me back because i don’t want it to be the last time. i’ll do anything to make sure it isn’t.” she finally turned her head, her lips grazing the top of stevie’s head. “you’re everything to me.” 

     “--- didn’t i kiss you first, though?” well... sure, pointing something out wouldn’t be the first thing stevie does, but she just wanted to lighten up the mood by slightly teasing the other. while she didn’t feel her best quite yet, she wanted make the other feel better about all of this -- even if the editor, herself, wasn’t still able to fully understand what was happening. “i... i-i wanted to kiss you, i did. so... i just kind of... went for it, i guess?” she questioned her own decision, mostly rhetorically. there was no way that max knew what was going through her mind, if stevie wasn’t sure of anything, either, right?

    “i liked it,” a quiet confession left her lips once she inched closer to her friend, resting her head on the other’s shoulder. she then hesitantly placed a hand on her thigh, absent-mindedly picking on the fabric. there still wasn’t a whole lot she could say, but there was one thing she was sure of ( and frankly, it only hit her in the face like a brick, hard ) -- stephanie had some kind of, non-platonic, feelings for max. how could she not? she’s grown attached to her; too bad she wasn’t able to notice and act on it much, much earlier, though. 

    better late than never, after all; the fact that it took her up until this moment to realize such thing was laughable, but she was willing to make it all up for the other woman. she will need to grow used to not being able to hide anything from her, stop being terrified of each and every time they’ve touched -- it was going to be a long process, but she was ready for everything that life might throw her way. didn’t she always roll with the punches, anyway?

     “i’m beginning to think that i will start having a very hard time resisting you now that the cat’s outta the bag, huh?” this might have sounded like a dig at max, but stevie wasn’t just saying that to fill the silence with pointless words. she truly did mean it. she might still need to adjust to any new circumstances and adventures, but... 

      what the fuck? what the fuck had just happened? max needed a moment to gather herself. maybe it wasn’t the best idea to leave stevie by herself, but she need to think. everything was all out of whack. the millions of times she had fantasized about this very moment didn’t even compare. stevie was fire and she was ice and they combusted upon impact. it wasn’t a fantasy anymore – something she thought about curled up in bed, her fingers playing with the waistband of her sweatpants. it was visceral and real. 

      a few minutes later, everyone from the company filtered passed her. the look she wore on her face was enough for them to keep moving. someone mumbled something about locking up and she didn’t even hum in response. she continued to pace as she twisted her hair up into a messy bun. 

       with determination, she pushed back into the offices. a forgotten bottle of whiskey, stevie’s favorite, laid on their desks. only a few sips had been traded before they went on air. grabbing it, she made her way back to the filming studio. each step sounded hallow. her heart thudded wildly in her chest and nothing she did seemed to make it better. until she swung open the door and saw stevie collapsed on the ground.

      fingers tightened around the bottle as she made quick work of the distance between them. she wasn’t sure how much time had passed from their kiss. her lips still tingled with the phantom presence of her best friend’s mouth. licking them, she could still taste her and a small whine tried to twist its way from her throat. thankfully, she pushed it down and plopped down next to stevie. 

      unscrewing the top of the bottle, she took a swig. the alcohol in her system had burnt up with the force of the kiss. this was to take the edge off – make the words they both needed to say easier to say and hear. “here. take a nip.” she held it out for stevie without glancing at her. “i think you’ve earned, aye?” 

     one would think that with now empty space, she would feel comfortable enough to finally take her time to realize that what just happened wasn’t a some kind of cruel joke, but stevie didn’t even feel the difference. 

     she still thought that she was stuck in a dream, and that if she opened her eyes everything, even the small tingling sensation from the second max dug her nails into her skin, will disappear and things will be back to the simpler times. she wanted none of that -- she needed answers. from the other woman, and most importantly... from herself.

     not knowing what she wanted was exhausting. she could even admit to feeling like it was killing her slowly, but this would’ve been too dramatic for her taste. it was still accurate, however. she wanted to be held, to be told that she did nothing wrong.

     was it too much? the kiss? the grip on max’s shirt? did she go too far and made her feel weird? now, she was just overthinking it, but it was nothing new for her. she would always have to go over everything at least ten times to finally realize that she could’ve been doing something else instead. but this one? this was something they’ve both needed to talk about.

     what could it possibly mean for them? for their friendship? would it be over? would it grow even stronger, turning into something serious? either of the options seemed plausible, and stevie wasn’t ready for any of them. she would need to wait for max to be back to help her with understanding what they’ve just done to themselves.

     as she sat there, motionless, her cheeks flushed and eyes filled up with unshed tears, she heard the door open and close once more. stevie didn’t bother to look up -- it couldn’t possibly have been max, could it? but she was wrong. it was max. still, it didn’t make any difference, but it surely stopped her from worrying about her.

     max didn’t even need to offer twice for her to take the bottle into her own hands and quite literally chug from it for a couple of seconds -- granted, she might regret it in the morning, but she didn’t see an issue with it now. it can’t be worse than waking up with a broken heart, or something, right? once she finished, stevie set it down on the ground, closer to the spot where max was sitting. 

      just as it started, it ended. someone yelled something and finally they broke apart. max’s eyes didn’t leave stevie’s face as she breathed in and out, her chest heaving. she felt like she was on fire. electricity pulse through her. she had never kissed anyone like that before. her eyes dropped to her best friend’s now kiss swollen lips and she began to lean up to recapture her lips when a whistle distracted her and she rocked back down to the solid ground. still, she didn’t look away from stevie – she couldn’t.

     instead of pressing her lips back, the hand in the editor’s hair finally relinquished its grasp and moved to cup her cheek. her thumb gingerly stroked across stevie’s cheek and then lips. the urge to kiss her again was so strong that it almost made her explode right on the spot. what a dangerous game they were both playing.

      the love was real, not just something that max’s brain cooked up to torture her. the ache in her chest proved that it wasn’t merely a fantasy. she loved stephanie flynn more than anything else in this world. it might kill her. it might ruin their friendship. but it was solid and real – the taste of it on her tongue. 

         her fingers her still underneath her shirt, silently moving and memorizing. her nails bit into the pale skin. she wanted to leave her mark. something tangible and real for later when stevie was alone. she wanted to consume her best friend like she’d been doing to her for months. it was selfish and primal, but max didn’t care. she was tired of hiding. 

      someone cleared their throat, maybe danny. it didn’t really manner. there had been dead air for too long – the two of them staring at each other without saying a word. finally breaking free from the trance, max leaned up to press a chaste kiss to stevie’s lips before turning and walking out of the room. she didn’t look back as she entered the hallway and began to frantically pace. 

     so this was it? one interruption wasn’t enough? someone had to clear their throat and make them stop in their tracks, preventing one or the other from living in a some kind of fantasy? 

     yeah, it was messed up, sure, but stevie felt like every single part of her brain was about to tell her to cut the crap and unload her disappointment on someone who clearly didn’t deserve it. a part of her still wanted to do that, but the more reasonable side of her knew that she was better than that. after all, someone else was forced to end the stream while they were doing their own thing in the background.

     she should have been thankful for having been replaced for the last few minutes to carry the remaining time of this event. but she couldn’t feel anything else other than confusion at the moment, even if the word itself was such an understatement. so many thoughts running wild in her mind, so many things that needed to be said, and yet... stephanie found herself at loss for words. it was always happening in moments like this one, in particular.

     she hated the feeling of being under the pressure, even if there was no one else she could blame it on but herself. now, one might ask -- why was she so hard on herself? why every single thing had to be perfect? the answer to that is simple. she wanted everything to be perfect, especially when the woman, herself, was far from it. 

     she was flawed, even more than anyone else in this room. her anxieties getting the best of her, rendering her speechless, unable to move a muscle. the panic in her eyes as they followed the familiar figure out of the room. the pain in her chest merely comparable to one’s heart being ripped out while still being alive; she couldn’t take it. her legs finally gave out, leaving her on the floor, with face hidden in her hands, breathing ever so heavily.

      and there it was before max could even think. it had been one of those offhanded bets they made back when the channel first started – one million subscribers and they’d kiss on camera. as the numbers rose higher and higher in the last few weeks, they knew it was drawing near. the thought alone had kept max up the last three nights. the dark circles under her eyes any indication. if anyone asked, she would quickly mumble about her work load. hopefully, they’d remain none the wiser. 

      stevie tasted like cinnamon, fiery and hot. the familiar taste of alcohol lingered, but there was something more. maybe spearmint gum chewed in haste for this particular moment. the hand on the back of her neck was almost enough to send max reeling. and for all the alcohol she had consumed to not be nervous for this exact situation, she suddenly felt deathly sober. her mind clear and her body buzzing. 

      it was her one chance – the thing that kept running through her mind the past few days. she might never get to kiss stevie again. she wasn’t sure if she was brave enough to it outside of this context. she had prepped herself – a strict regiment of water and chapstick to keep her lips supple. maybe stupid, but she was here now kissing her best friend. 

      her fingers slipped under stevie’s top desperate to find purchase and feel the heated skin beneath her fingertips. the other hand slid up to tangle in her hair and give her a little more control. she slotted their lips together at a better angle before she dipped her tongue in – teasing and wanting. her teeth followed to bite at her bottom lip possessively. stevie was hers now and if it only lasted a few more minutes, maybe it would be enough. 

      a grunt left her mouth as they adjusted, but still didn’t pull away. she tugged at her hair experimentally and slipped her tongue in fully when stevie’s lips parted. whether or not this lead to anything else, at least max had given her all. 

     for an atheist, stevie surely was thinking a whole lot about god at the moment. or rather... she kept calling his name, all while attempting to keep herself from melting into a puddle. was it real? was it really happening? at the moment, the editor truly felt like she was dreaming; being held in someone’s arms, bodies so close they might as well just become one. it was... indescribable. 

     out of all the things she had done, this was probably one that made her feel something... something that made her feel actually alive, despite still not believing that it wasn’t a dream. 

     was she only realizing that all these years spent dancing around each other meant something more than just a simple friendship? was it really what it took for stephanie to realize that she might feel something stronger than just fondness towards max? was it love? it was so silly of her to think otherwise, but who could blame her? 

     she was more than just blind to everything that’s been going on for so long -- it looks like she needed to be methaporically slapped in the face to see it clearly.

     with the time feeling like it’s been frozen for such a short period of time, stevie’s heartbeat was nearly out of control; she was convinced that everyone could hear it, at this point. but did she care? not really. why would she care about such a silly thing when all she wanted was to go somewhere else, where no one could see them? but, damn -- they must’ve put on a hell of a show for the people to yell excitedly over. 

     not that it mattered. right now, all of her focus was centered on max, rightfully so.

     once she felt hands on her bare skin, she couldn’t help herself with emitting a silent hum of approval, basically allowing the other woman do whatever she felt like doing. her own hands slipped down, gripping on the fabric of her clothes on the small of her back harder than one would expect anyone to do so. 

     she definitely should not be feeling this way. she wasn’t supposed to beg her best friend for more, but she wasn’t in control of the situation. if anything, it was mostly prompted by the large amount of alcohol she’s consumed, but boy, was she thirsty as fuck right now.

     it wasn’t until someone from the crew had to ruin the moment, yelling out a simple ‘HOT DAMN!’ to make stephanie flinch before pulling away from the other woman. not that she was angry at them for doing so, but... she wasn’t the happiest about that, either. god only knows what else would have happened if they just kept going. 

     with her eyes still closed, stevie didn’t move an inch. she was convinced that if she did so, everything would fall apart; she would be forced to wake up in cold sweat just to realize that it was just a dream.

      her heart pounded against her ribcage. they played this game always – toeing the line between friendship and flirting. max used to be oblivious, but now? now, she can’t stop thinking about wanting to kiss stevie. touching her face sent sparks through her fingertips and all she wanted was more. more of everything. “only someone special can touch the artwork.” like you. she left those words unspoken because she hadn’t even had a lick of caffeine. there was bravery and there was stupidity and max clearly was always on the stupidity side. 

      “did you hate it? that dinner with me? because you made it sound as if it was a bad experience and well… i don’t think about it that way at all.” her fingers were dragged away by stevie’s own hand. she wanted to apologize for invading her personal space, but she wasn’t completely sorry. “i liked cooking for you and having you over. and i know what they did was wrong because they should have asked us. but…” she trailed off then. she whipped her hand back into her lap and tapped her thumb against her thigh. 

      she cleared her throat and put up her hands. “i’m sorry. i… i didn’t mean to invade your space. i just…” her throat felt like it was closing in and she wanted to fucking run. but then stevie admitted she did and she felt light again. she swore if she clicked her heels together twice, she would float. “fine. let’s go then. do you have stuff ready for fear pong? because i need to get sloshed. i don’t care what time it is.” she stood up and jerked her head in the direction of the lab. “come on, you twat.” 

     max was met with silence from stevie’s side; there wasn’t much she could say, or even show not to make things weird between them -- it was the last thing she ever wanted. besides, it was far too early for talking about such subjects, they both needed either their daily one, two... or seven cups of coffee, or anything that could get them going to even start functioning like the actual people they were. so, being quiet was probably the best choice she could make at the moment. however, the multiple answers that clouded stevie’s mind up were kind of... getting in the way of her acting as if everything’s remotely alright. 

     a sigh escaped her parted lips once she crossed her leg over the other just because she could, “why would i hate it?” she then asked, her voice small, almost defeated. it was a misunderstanding, wasn’t it? did she really come across as someone who didn’t enjoy a candid dinner with her best friend? ignoring all the cameras, and pretending that they’re the only ones in there? well, stephanie was sure she couldn’t possibly have said anything that upset the other woman. but now that she’s listening to her talking about her own feelings and experiences? 

     “it felt... real. it was real. i just... ---” a pause. sharp intake of breath as she rubbed her temples with the palms of her slender fingers. “i just thought that it could possibly make things worse -- y’know, with the people who watch us and want us to be together, no? it would make them hungry for more -- no pun intended.” as she continued, stevie finally gathered some courage to look up at max, a small, shy smile lighting up her features. “--- the last thing i wanted is another breach of our privacy, silly. i didn’t want us to suffer through it again. it had nothing to do with me not enjoying myself. ‘cause... frankly? i loved it.”

    she shouldn’t be so freaked out by that. it was nothing new. and yet, stevie had found herself feeling petrified, for some reason. “it’s okay.” but, really... was it? it was max. her best friend max. a co-worker max. the most important person. she should’ve been used to all of it. god, what a complete idiot. “--- i would appreciate a lil’ forewarning next time around, yeah?” that goes without saying -- if it was someone else, she hardly doubted she would’ve been so nice about it. 

      even if the tone was less than warm, max clung to the words. it was true. she listened and filed away every word stevie said. even when she was mad at her. she had endless amounts of stephanie flynn trivia tucked away in her mind. probably useless and worth nothing, but to max, it was the world. she knew how to make her laugh or smile, but she also knew how to piss her off. she’d rarely used the last one. she usually went for mild annoyance. “yeah, well, why wouldn’t i? you got a lot of important things to say.” it came out soft and she hated that even more than the biting tone she previously used. somehow soft meant weak. if allowed one brick to come down, the whole wall would follow. she would be exposed and stevie would know. 

      her heart hammered inside her chest and max briefly wondered if this was how she would die. looking at her best friend as she told her how she thought she was something worth looking at. “all i’ve ever wanted was for you to tell me i’m pretty. i guess this’ll have to do.” her cheeks tinged bright red once again, but she didn’t care. at least her tone was more teasing this time. then stevie had to mention being pinned to a wall and max felt her soul leave her body. she was definitely dying today. she could feel it. “perhaps. but maybe i don’t want them to pin me to a wall. and we aren’t talking about my multitude of fans. we’re talking about you. would you pin me to the wall, stee?” her tone bordered on flirty. but she was desperate and looking for any validation she could.

     “aye, then i’m in. if i can’t be stoned, then i can’t wait to be filled with liquor.” she muttered it under her breath, but her friend looked like she needed a drink too. “you can always intrude. i wanted you to intrude. plus, it doesn’t feel like that when you do.” her voice almost cracked and she looked down as she fidgeted with her hands. her throat suddenly felt dry. “yeah, after all you said, i’m sure you needed to rest.” the fracture in her heart pulsed in a threatening manner. if she kept down this road, she might cry and max was not ready for that. then she felt like she was soaring. i want you. followed up by the statement that she wanted her here. the first part of it had the split starting to heal. 

      wheeling her chair over, she reached out to grab stevie’s face so she was looking at her. a few people were milling about the office, but she was sure no one was watching them. “nah, say it, stee. tell me you missed me. no bullshit.” she had no idea where the bravery came from. it was selfish to make her best friend say it, but she needed to hear it. 

     “i guess...” the day stevie stops being modest is the day worth of making it a national holiday, apparently. the woman knew her worth, but never felt the need to force anyone to see how good she was at her job. nobody liked that. she was pretty sure she wouldn’t necessarily being in the presence of someone stuck up, as well. but, that was just a personal preference, it seemed. being stuck in a professional environment with talkative individuals had taught her to tune out even the smallest things, finding peace in something she was creating from scratch, losing the track of time in the process. “it doesn’t matter much anyway,” she then proceeded to add, resting her hands on both of her knees for a moment, or two.

     stevie shrugged -- it was a seemingly recurring thing when it was coming to making herself appear as if she did not care as much as she did. but... did that ever work? probably not. she was convinced that max knew that something was wrong, anyway. they never truly needed to use words to be able to tell that things were feeling a bit off; in this moment all she could feel, however, was regret. bringing it up was pointless. and that comment she made? it made her even more confused than she was before. sometimes, just... sometimes stephanie wished she was able to stop herself from being such an open and honest person. it could get her in trouble one day. she was surprised she’d never truly messed anything up big time. 

     “i was told that one’s not allowed to touch masterpieces, so...” she would eventually trail off, averting her gaze from max as she ran a hand through the mess that was her hair. after saying things like that, she could definitely use some fucking fresh air, or a goddamn cold shower, or something. this was too much, and stevie wasn’t entirely sure she’d enjoyed that. “take it as you will, though.”

     having a drink, or... seven was also a good alternative to taking a stroll outside to help her with taking her mind off things, even if it was just for a little bit. but... was it worth it? max was also going to be there, and she wasn’t sure if she is going to be able to truly put on her game face on and roll with everything that’s going to be thrown her way. usually, she would be happy, delighted to work with her, but now? now she’s terrified. “i wasn’t quite... -- it wasn’t me. i... i don’t get angry like that, do i? i’ve never... i’ve never felt so much anger and disappointment at the same time,” stevie admitted. “i just had to say something, otherwise i would have just...” her voice fell flat, hand rose up to illustrate the chaos that would have been bubbling inside of her if she didn’t put her foot down. she could only hope it was a good enough explanation, because she wasn’t planning on talking about this in any time soon. preferably never again, even. 

      max immediately put her hands up. she was used to the teasing and the back and forth. she knew what stevie did. they both dabbled in other things. but somehow the words stung. she wasn’t a weak bitch who cowered behind every word, but right now she felt fragile. “yeah, i know what the fuck you do, stephanie.” the tone came out more biting than she meant, but max was on edge. all of this was new to her. she was still trying to figure out how the fuck to act normally after the explosion with the owners. she wanted things to go back to normal. to stop worrying about every little thing she said or did. 

      finally, she stole a glance at her best friend. her face was a mask of worry and cool indifference. she had no idea how someone held that all on their face, but somehow stevie perfected it. maybe she was annoyed that max disappeared. maybe she was mad that max didn’t back her up in the offices. but she had. sort of. she agreed that putting up the video without talking to them first was a shitty thing to do. she knew the way she looked at stevie throughout dinner was more than friendly. but somehow, a part of her wanted it out there for people to see. “wasn’t joking. i’m a masterpiece that should be admired. if i was on canvas, i’d be at the louvre.” she gave her friend a tight lipped smile. 

      “what the fuck is fear pong? i’m into it already. the name alone sounds awesome. do we get to drink?” her leg bounced wildly as she asked the questions. her anxiety never got this out of control in public. she knew how to keep it hidden. “you figured? you could have called or asked. maybe i was in a ditch and only just climbed out.” her cheeks tinted an even bright red. she hoped her permanent tan hid it. the words were awfully true. sadness leaked from each one. “i never said anything about going home. but if you don’t want me here, i’ll do whatever.” she fidgeted in her seat, picking at her fingernails. 

     deep breaths, stephanie. you can do this. “you’re one of not so many people who actually bother to listen to me when i explain whatever the fuck it is i do, you can pat yourself on the back for this one,” she hated this. what it seemed like a casual banter between two people for others, felt like an unnecessary sass fest for her. could this day be over, or something? at this point, the thought of going home and crashing on her couch, eventually falling asleep on it was one of the most tempting things ever. anything to avoid further situations similar to this one. there was no bad blood between them, not in the slightest, but stevie was just tired of not contibuting to their conversation in a positive way. it was almost as if she was asking for it. she knew she deserved the cold shoulder, but... she wanted none of that.

     “--- what do you want me to say, then? that i agree? -- well, there you fuckin’ have it,” not this again. this was the closest to a compliment she could get right now. the last thing she wanted was to overstep the thin line bordering being just friends and something slightly more than just that. from what she’s managed to notice, and it hasn’t been a lot, they’ve been dancing around it for a long time now. it was making her feel helpless; how does one keep their cool when they’re talking to someone they’re clearly attracted to? “i’m sure there’s plenty of women wanting to pin the masterpiece to the wall, so like... -- clearly that must mean something, right?” you comeple fucking idiot, you clearly were one of them, weren’t you? 

      not even two minutes inside the studio and max wanted a cigarette. or something harder. a blunt so big that she saw stars before it was halfway finished. maybe oblivion would be easier than sinking down into her chair far too close to stevie. her fingers curled into her palm until the blunt nails kissed her skin. contact to remind her that she was okay and she could get through today. one day at a time or whatever mantra people were using these days. “what the fuck are you doing going over that shite of bryce’s? he can wait. we gotta come up with something new.” her voice sounded tinny. she can hear the way it crackled in the air around her. she didn’t sound like max. she sounded like a scared girl talking to her first crush on the school playground. 

      clearing her throat, she did her best to return the smile, but it felt terse and unnatural. what did it matter? she wasn’t going to ruin their friendship over something as insignificant as love. the word made her heart flutter in her chest and her eyes slammed shut – her fingers already pushing at her temples. “nah, i don’t think it could ever suck to be you. you get to look at me every day.” except the last three days. because max half expected for stevie to show up at her apartment with shitty takeout from their favorite indian place – curries and samosas wrapped in cheap plastic bags. but the knock never came. neither did a call. 

      a pang in her chest hit her hard again and she struggled to breathe. she could do this. it was stevie. stevie and max. stax. “you haven’t seen me for three days and you got nothing? what the fuck, stee?” somehow, she managed to get her voice to work. she reached out, arm brushing against her friend’s as she retrieved what stevie just discarded. “gimme something please. i could be at home stoned out of my mind right now.” 

     she was this close to mocking max, but after seeing her reaction, stevie decided against it, playing out the scenario where she does that in her head, instead. she didn’t want to risk crossing the line so early on, that’s if there’s any lines for her to be crossed left, of course. she knew she could just do that and think it was funny, awaiting an annoyed reaction from the other woman, but... it was too much, too soon. fuck. 

     “’cause that’s exactly what the position of an editor entails, doesn’t it? i’m just doing what i was told to do,” a backhanded response, it was all she could muster up. with her tone a bit more on the stern side, stevie was sick and tired of explaining that she also had other things to deal with. although, she’d never needed to say that to someone like max -- she understood it, without a shadow of doubt. her words were merely just a filler; the silence was far too deafening, and stevie was too bored of not having anyone to talk to. despite having a somewhat extroverted personality, she still had trouble with handling a casual conversation with just about anyone.

     that was... a fair point, to say the least. not that she would ever have the balls to admit such a thing out loud. she may have needed strong, prescribed glasses to see, but she wasn’t blind -- she saw how beautiful max was. stevie wasn’t even sure if being that attractive was possible, and yet... “very funny,” she muttered under her breath, putting a some kind of facade almost immediately. she wanted to break it, saying that she’s feeling much better now that she was here, but she couldn’t. it was more of an unspoken kind of thing. silent appreciation. getting to know that max was still there, alive and pretty much kickin’.