bjm is typing...

I obviously started this Tumblr to cope with an expected break up but I find myself wanting to share things this morning that I don't want to keep in but I also don't want to put them on my Facebook. I deleted IG over a month ago and it feels really great.

I've healed a bit. Not entirely but I don't give a fuck how long passes between exchanges anymore. I mean, I do, but it's not consuming me. Reading that was rough. It sucks to have been so sad.

Mother's Day was yesterday. It was a good day. I didn't leave the house at all and was showered with love from the girls.

But he texted me at 8 something with a reel on IG because I removed him as a follower and unfollowed him as well.

I didn't respond. It felt good to not respond. But then I also don't want to.

Perhaps I'm a smidge obsessive over the amount of time that elapses between texts between us but its because I've been used to him constantly being on my screen whether it's a text or a thing on IG.

It's been 27 hours since our last exchange. It kind of stings that he can go so long without talking to me.

He obviously thinks about me though if he reached out regarding my birthday.

Yet... we aren't. Again.

It's been made clear that my presence isn't needed or wanted at the moment but in an almost hateful way.

I know I should get over it and let go but fuck that's so hard when it's not what you want to do.

I read something today that resonated with me but it said that after 9pm you shouldn't trust your thoughts or your feelings or your rationale because you're more vulnerable at night. Some shit. I don't know.

I've cried every day this year. We are officially 2 months into this year. So, for perspective, I've cried for at least 60 days in a row.

My head is so fucked right now and I just want this all to go away.

Sometimes I'll cry myself to sleep and wake up the next day and spend the entire day in my thoughts.

To be honest I feel as though I've been in a lot of situations where I was forced to grow up quicker than I wanted/needed to and my childhood is a mirror of how insecure I am as an adult.

The correlation between that and how I am now is embarrassing but it's a real thing I guess. I've only been to therapy once and she was a weirdo who insulted my outfit and talked more about her competing essential oil company than my issues. (I sold YL at the time, pretty good at it, too.)

Today I am turned off. I don't want to reach out. I don't want to talk. He's reached out a few times and we talked this morning but I just feel ick, you know?