INSTEAD I HAVE RAGE.

the lies that spill from her twin’s mouth fall like poison on her ears,  corroding her nerves,   concocting dreams where she desperately clings to the illusion of truth  that may be present in the  cloying words.   hope  flickered like a flame desperately trying to survive the rain,   but sarcasm doused it down to a smoking wick    &   left her stranded in the aftermath of the flood   —   head hung low,    shaking as if the gesture would  erase reality.   despite the mist of the woods that surrounded them  &   the dark wash of the other’s eyes,   ( similar to her own  &  yet so different )    elena could see the  glint of selfishness  flash in them when katherine spoke.     ❝   condemn an innocent girl to a fate that we ran from?   ❞     her voice rose  rapidly in pitch,    raw  horror contorting her features in contrast to the other’s delusive impassivity.     ❝   no,  that is not what I want!   ❞

heightened senses notify her of the cheery laughter that broke in their dining hall   &   elena turned towards the sound of it,   face softening with longing.     like a moth to a flame,  she took two steps forward towards the house.     ❝   she has her whole life ahead of her…  dreams,  a future—   ❞     she trailed off,   caught in a dream-like stupor of  what could have been.    eyelids fluttering closed in an attempt to visualise it too,   a wistful smile spreading across chapped lips.   a two-storied suburban home on a hill,   overlooking a lush garden lined with a picket fence.    inside:    a family of four,   content in their shared bliss of domesticity.  two sisters ran through the corridors,   giggling despite their mother’s shrill cries of protest.   there was sunshine,   the sweet scent of peonies.    then there were fangs,   laced with blood,    black pools filling the space where  eyes would be;    a hunger,   terrible hunger  to tear a body inside out.   and then there was a name   —   MIKAELSON.     yanked back to the present moment   &   with her breath caught mid-way in her throat,   she whirled to face katherine.     ❝   we should protect her—   warn her,   tell her to get out of town   …    or something—   ❞     the words tripped over each other as they left her,   desperately,   like a current of water rushing towards salvation.    her glare was the gleam of a  blade under the sun when she added,     ❝   you will  not  hurt her.   ❞

IN HER GAZE HOPE SPROUTS AND HOPE WITHERS,    DYING WITH THE SHARPNESS OF A KNIFE.      for a brief moment she almost wants to laugh.      it’s been such a long time,    five hundred years,    and her twin refuses to learn to see people for what they truly are.      ( YOU ARE ALMOST ENVIOUS OF THAT INNER GOODNESS.      HOW SHE HOLDS ONTO THE PROMISE OF LEAVING THINGS BETTER THAN SHE FOUND THEM,    A DROWNING GIRL DESPERATELY GRASPING AT WHATEVER STRAWS THE OCEAN MAY FIND FOR HER.      YOU ALMOST COVET IT,    BUT NOT QUITE:      ALTRUISM HASN’T SAVED YOUR LIVES,    AND NO AMOUNT OF PRAYING EVER CHANGED ANYONE’S MIND )      ❝      and why shouldn’t i?      the girl means nothing to me      ——      apart from the fact that she’s our key to freedom.      ❞      she’s seen this before,    too many times to count,    rolling her eyes again and again and again in a ritual not so foreign,    that seems to be elicited more often when in the other’s presence.      another day,    another moral conundrum she could spare.      ❝      do you always have to be so boring?      ❞      she moves then,    blurred frame coming to a stop before elena,    fingers raising to rest ‘pon her collarbone.      the notes that drop from red lips are stained by ridicule.       she is mocking as she turns,    circling her prey    /    wicked smile falling into place.      ❝      elena the martyr      …      elena the savior      …      elena the hero.      no one is going to care that you sacrificed your life,    and mine,    for some teenager you barely knew.      ❞        

❝      EVEN?      YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.      ❞      laughter takes the shape of a hurricane,    first born within the boundaries of her throat and crawling to escape past sweetly curved lips.      when she stares at her boring excuse for a doppleganger,    all her skin does is burn    /    it's deeply contained fury,    writhing and screaming 'neath the ice painted on her features;      it's disgusted jealousy,    constantly wondering why.      elena gilbert gets to live her pretty little life.      she has survived the sacrifice,    she has evaded being permanently murdered without resorting to vampirism or running for half a century.      a terrible joke on fate's behalf,    really.      ( AND SHE'S STILL COMPLAINING ABOUT HAVING TO DONATE A BIT OF HER BLOOD.      UGH.      MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THE WORLD A FAVOUR AND KILL HER RIGHT HERE,    RIGHT NOW.      IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE THIS THIRST FOR REVENGE,    OR DIDN'T DEPEND ON THE SALVATORE'S COOPERATION,    YOU WOULD DO IT      ——      NO NEED TO ASK TWICE )      ❝      after all,    i'm the one who helped you and the scooby gang tonight.      ❞       then her lips morph into a delicate pout,    her brows inch closer together,    her head tilts to the left:      she's the picture of innocent grace.      threatening venom coats the words that follow despite her outer mask,    turning them sharp as a knife.      with no promise of staying away in sight.      ❝      what have you ever done for me,    elena?      besides ruining my plans and annoying me with your martyr complex.      ❞      

virtue drips from elena's voice,    a tangible sweetness in the air that sticks to the back of her throat and prompts her eyes to roll.      TALK ABOUT SANCTIMONIOUS!      for all the hours spent thinking about her sister,   tracking her down to ensure her safety but always staying out of sight,    she hasn't missed this.      ❝      of course you did.      ❞      saccharine smile twists red lips and contempt crawls betwixt her words.      no one can foil this plan,    this divine move which will finally buy them freedom.      ( HOW CAN SHE NOT WISH FOR IT?      AT NIGHT,    WHENEVER SOME UNHOLY HOURS DECIDE TO GIFT YOU PEACE,    YOUR HEART YEARNS FOR SAFETY.      IT ACHES WITH DEEP ROOTED FEAR:      THE DEVIL WILL FIND YOU NO MATTER HOW CLEVER YOU ARE.      ONE DAY HE WILL,    UNLESS YOU TAKE ACTION,    UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED TO DO UNSPEAKABLE THINGS.      AND YOU WERE REBORN READY FOR THAT BURDEN,    WERE YOU NOT?      BETTER YOU DIE THAN I,     AFTER ALL ).          ❝      maybe i also wanted to make sure our sweet,    innocent doppleganger was safe and sound.      ❞

it's not only bitterness tainting her heart    /    the corrosive flames of jealousy too,    interwine.      why does she get to live the life we should've had?      if the world doesn't owe you anything then you'll be taking what is yours by force,    you'll ignore your undeserving past to focus on a brighter future.      pretending becomes futile,    for her twin knows her well,    has seen the darkened depths encompassing her soul       ——      they made her leave a long time ago.      PERHAPS KATHERINE SHOULD NOT SEEK TO BARGAIN IN HER NAME.      an empty threat reserved for the empty space inside her chest:      whatever their problems,      and despite her flawless illusion,    she will always care.      ❝      or maybe i want to turn her over to klaus in return for our lives.      isn't that what you want?      ❞          

DARKNESS STILL SWALLOWS THE SKY WHOLE:      it turns the night so utterly lightless that not even stars dare to shine.      down here every step feels like certain death,    with each and every breath the surrounding shadows almost come to life,    writhing and dangerous      ——      ready to strike.      or perhaps that's just her stupid imagination running wild.      how have their lives come to this?      they've been hunted,    terrorized by one of their best friends,    tortured viciously in a twisted attempt at revenge.      ( JOSH'S BETRAYAL DEEPLY HURTS.      YOU FELT A CONNECTION TO HIM,    A SHARED PLACE TO LAY DOWN THIS OVERWHELMING GRIEF.      YOU ONCE TRUSTED HIM.      IT ALL FEELS WRONG NOW,    TAINTED AND ACHING IN A WAY YOU HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED SINCE HANNAH DIED )      and it hasn't stopped at that,    no.      the damn universe suddenly decided being kidnapped and drugged wasn't enough,    it chose to laugh in their faces and throw fucking monsters into the mix,    too.      simply hilarious.      at times,    the help dawn will bring feels painfully out of reach.          

when emily speaks,    her eyes are quick to move towards the other's features.      lips part instantly as an innate desire to prevent discord crawls beyond her caged teeth:      ❝      they're not    [ . . . ]      ❞      she cannot even bring herself to finish that sentence,    chokes on the realization that there is no defending what mike and ashley tried to do.      yet cautiously tries to soften this irreparable damage.      if they are going to make it out alive of this nightmare,    they have to work together.      they have to be a team.      ❝      they were just scared,    em.      which doesn't mean they weren't acting like huge assholes.      ❞      is asshole too inadequate a word?      she isn't certain what to call someone who has tried to commit murder in the name of safety and dread,    when both perpetrator and victim are longtime friends.      a pause before carrying on      /     only the sound of her own heartbeat fills the space between them.      ❝      maybe desperate people are the ones we should be afraid of.      ❞

with blinding sunlight cascading 'round them,    the world almost pretends to be harmless.      sweet.      warmth dances across her skin as words begin to take shape in the bottom of her throat.      eyes widened,    mouth parted:      the strokes of trepidation painted upon her features.      ❝      AFRAID?      OF COURSE I AM      ❞      the safety and the home dorne has provided will not last forever,    not if they intend to reclaim their lives.      memories dance like they belong to another era,    a different time she desperately wishes she could return to.      HER SWEET BALERION,     THE HOURS AND HOURS SPENT PLAYING WITHIN THE RED KEEP,     EVEN HER FATHER QUIETLY READING TO HER AT DUSK.      there's a darkness now looming,     enveloping an otherwise amiable façade.      ❝      only a fool would remain fearless in such dangerous times.      ❞      oh,    she knows of the wars to come.      sometimes,    when night has fallen and she finds herself alone with her ruminations,    the thought of seeing those who destroyed her family suffer is enough to soothe her mind.      ( YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE.      YOU CANNOT HIDE AND YOU CANNOT RUN.      YOU KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.      YOU'VE BEEN PREPARING FOR IT YOUR WHOLE LIFE,    AND YET NOW THAT IT IS POUNDING ON YOUR DOOR YOU PRAY FOR MORE TIME.      YOU PRAY FOR YOUR FAMILY TO COME OUT UNSCATHED,    BUT THE CRUELTY THIS KINGDOM HAS SHOWN YOU CLAIMS THEY WILL NOT.      THEY CANNOT. )      ❝      but that doesn't mean i won't stand by our family,    ma.      ❞      it’s whispered softly,    falls from tightened lips that threaten to curl themselves into a sad smile.      unbowed,    unbent,    unbroken.      true courage doesn't carry the absence of fear.      it sprouts from the realization that there is something even stronger than that fear.      it comes from their strength,     and it comes from their grief.      fingers move to tightly grasp her mother's hand    /    a steel determination now illuminates her gaze.      ❝      we will take back what they stole from us.      ❞      it will mean their reckoning.      she will be a dragon.    with fire and blood,    they will take it.

             𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐒 𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐍𝐎 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐃𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐇𝐎𝐌𝐄 — they had started taking up residence when she’d lost her father, because it wasn’t enough that they had nothing to bury, she had to watch it happen over & over, night after night. A horror she hadn’t seen, but her mind tried to recreate. Now, no creativity is needed, for now she relives horrors she can never unsee ( Rue, her little songbird with her wings crushed because she had been too late. Cato — or what was left of him — begging for her arrow, so mangled she could barely make out the words. Peeta, bleeding & poisoned & there was nothing she could do. ) So loud were her screams as she tried to drag herself awake that Effie, in her own way, had tried to help, offering her little pills. She couldn’t have known that the nightmares became more real, more intense — & the pills? They helped her sleep so well that they wouldn’t let her wake, forced to relive everything even longer. Which was why she was here, fingers shaking, attempting to remain anchored around a mug of warm milk ( it was the most comforting thing she could think to ask for. ) She hates the little jump his sudden presence evokes ( & hates even more the relief that follows. ) Unable to return his smile ( muscles refusing to do so ), she instead scoots further down the couch — 𝐚𝐧 𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. Yet his question does get a small exhaled scoff, a near smile. ❛ Bad year. ❜ Words a little rough, she takes a sip of her drink to try to soothe it. 𝙵𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜. They were trying to be friends now & the word is both oddly foreign & so very welcome that it scares her ( if only friends were all they had to be. ) She sighs, holding out the mug, 𝐚 𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠. ❛ Did you hear? ❜ The screams that have left her throat raw. 𝙷𝚒𝚜 𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚙𝚜. Did she wake him?

           𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐍’𝐓 𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐊 𝐀𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐇𝐄𝐑. 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑. 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐇𝐎’𝐒 𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐁𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄. Until now. Until she no longer was. Until she no longer will be. She feels as if she’s mourning a loss, but she can’t properly grieve because she’s right here! Narcissa keeps her features devoid of the whirlwind of emotions brewing beneath ( She always has. She’s just never had to do it like this & never in front of Andromeda. ) Yelling is not her, Andromeda knows this ( but she wants to, she so wants to yell & scream & shake her sister — 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠? ) ❛ I just want to know why. ❜ She’s proud, proud that her words merely convey the ice she’s so well-known for ( & not the pain of it, for she feels shards of that very ice digging into her skin, poking aching chest. )

                                𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 & 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐍 𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐇𝐀𝐒 𝐇𝐈𝐌 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇. Her defensiveness makes him believe that he was right, she was doing this out of pity, like he was some poor Seam boy who just needed her help. ❛ It is a bad thing. Don’t you get it? I don’t want — ❜ Her in his life? That’s a lie she can call out as clearly as day. If he hadn’t wanted her in his life, he wouldn’t have let her in. He hadn’t meant to, it had just happened, but he hadn’t stopped it. Not as much as he should have, clearly. ❛ I don’t want your pity. Or your charity or — whatever you think that was. ❜ All his life, it’s been him & him alone & he’s provided. He can’t imagine a world where he can’t. 𝐈𝐟 𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧’𝐭, 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫. He is wildfire & rage, waiting to burn, often wishing to allow the fire that burns within him to take down the awful regime to the ground with him but not her. Never her. She’s been a balm to his wounds ( the irony is not lost on him. It just hurts all the more, fresh wounds a reminder he can’t forget, even if he wanted to ), a softness to the callousness that is their world, but also him ( especially him. ) When she shifts, when her words become softer, he takes a breath, tries to mirror her ( tries to calm the raging fire within. ) ❛ I wouldn’t have died. ❜ He bites back the other words he wants to say — I would have been fine. He doesn’t think that’s true & he gives her more credit than that to say them. But he wouldn’t have died. He’s been through worse. He has to. He can’t be soft & weak. 

              𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐇𝐔𝐓𝐒 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐅𝐋𝐘 𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐔𝐈𝐍𝐆, 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐇𝐀𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐒𝐓, 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐇𝐄 𝐊𝐄𝐄𝐏𝐒 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐂𝐄 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍. ❛ Don’t you get it? ❜ That was his problem. ❛ You do this — this thing & hide it. And then ask for nothing in return. ❜ He can’t owe anyone. Especially not her. Not in the cruel world they call District 12. It sits uneasily in his chest & will weigh him down forever. He can’t look her in the eyes if he owes her. Not like he used to But he has nothing to give that she doesn’t already have. ❛ I told you I don’t want your charity. I’ll pay you back. ❜ He can feel shame coursing through his veins. ❛ I don’t know how, Madge, but I will. ❜ Strawberries are the only thing he can think of & it leaves him feeling more helpless. No amount of strawberries will pay back what she’d done. Friends. The word feels almost out of place between them, definitely a jarring contrast to his anger & the betrayal he feels. ❛ Friends don’t hide things from each other. ❜

                    𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐀 𝐇𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐃𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐈𝐍 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐋𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐒.    the manner in which his words are delivered damages her ,    blow after blow ,    tearing them further away from each other.    is there a way to escape this ruination  ?    the entirety of him tells her no ,    that whatever they briefly shared will surely be gone once morning comes.     𝘈𝘕𝘋 𝘚𝘏𝘌 𝘋𝘖𝘌𝘚𝘕'𝘛 𝘞𝘈𝘕𝘛 𝘛𝘖 𝘉𝘌𝘓𝘐𝘌𝘝𝘌 𝘐𝘛 ,    𝘉𝘜𝘛 𝘚𝘏𝘌 𝘋𝘖𝘌𝘚.    his fire reaches her and she allows it to taint her veins ,    boiling her blood.     ❛     don't you dare tell me that.     ❜    oh ,    she is furious at what he proclaims  !    how can he say   (   so easily ,    so painfully   ) that her actions were wrong  ?    how can he prefer her indifference to her kindness  ?    he's 𝒈𝒂𝒍𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒘𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒆  :    that's how.    as soon as it was summoned ,    her fickle intensity evaporates into sadness ,    and her arms tighten 'round slender frame.    remaining angry has never been her strong suit.     ❛     i couldn't stand the thought of you suffering.    i had to do something.     ❜    preferring not to contradict him    (   of course he would've died ,    the human body was not made to withstand such unmeasurable pain  :    not even one as strong as his'   )    madge instead chooses to expel a dry laugh.     ❛     what i did wasn't pity or charity ,    it was    ——     ❜     𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗𝕚𝕤𝕙.    there was no altruism ,    no sacrifice in her deeds.    her motive was simple enough  :    a world he wasn't a part of sounded terrifying.    in so little time he had become vital to her ,    a constant that crept up her life and refused to leave.    after being lonely for so long ,    who could blame her for getting attatched so soon  ?    she appreciates the softening of his tone.    still ,    the embers dance 'neath his gaze ,   savagely waiting for another opportunity to attack.    and so she sighs ,    for  she doesn't dare finish her sentence    /    yet his next words rapidly coax what she intended to say out of hiding.