nini

heyy…

UNRAVEL THE NIGHT

kang sae-byeok x fem!reader

synopsis: once a cautious person, you decided to take a risk and ask kang sae-byeok to ditch this party with you. as the night goes on, you both share slices of your mellow lives.

wc. 1.8k

warnings: acquaintances to potential lovers, comfort, small angst, mentions of drinking and smoking | authors note: wrote half of this after falling a bit sick so hopefully it isn’t all over the place lol

(masterlist)

“Should we get out of here?”

The party was distorted with rainbow disco lights flashing around the vicinity. Crowds of people mound together as they swayed in no particular direction to the ear-bursting EDM music. And somewhere in this crowd of dancers was your friend Ji-yeong, the sole reason why you’re even pressing your back against the wall isolated from the rest of the partygoers. But you weren’t alone as she dragged her other friend and roommate Kang Sae-byeok along too—you three met outside the train station before coming downtown. She too was secluding herself from this social event and stood a few feet beside you, seemingly not enjoying herself just like you.

You don’t understand how Ji-yeong thought it was a good idea to bring two of her most introverted friends to a social gathering. Or maybe it was on purpose.

Although you’ve only interacted with Sae-byeok twice after months of knowing about her existence, her cold and discreet nature attracted you. It was something about the way her face remains stone cold in every situation, it made you curious to wonder how easily you can crack her guarded shell.

The longer you two stood off to the side taking occasional sips from your alcoholic beverage, you wonder if Ji-yeong invited you to get to know Sae-byeok. Because the last time you two spoke about the reserved girl you voiced out your subtle interest in her and Ji-yeong immediately got onboard. But your friend warned you about her excessive loneliness and how fulfilling it will be if she made another friend beside her. Maybe you could be a new addition to her life.

So, when you got the liquid courage from your alcohol to bravely ask Sae-byeok to ditch the party together, your breathing stopped.

Her freckled face shone in various different colors thanks to the flashing LED lights but all you could see was her usual poker face. You start to wonder if she didn’t hear your loud request.

“Fine.” she deadpans.

You blink at her before forming a small sneaky smile when she turned around and started walking towards the direction of the door. As you follow her, you noticed she turned her head ever so slightly like she was making sure you were following behind her. But reading into the small things can give a false sense of hope, so you disregard her action.

The air felt cleaner and the silence of the outdoors was like a warm blanket hugging you after the end of a cold winter day. It was a peaceful dark night that was a stark contrast from the party inside. You noticed Sae-byeok also felt a sense of relief when her chest began heaving slowly.

She glances at you, her eyes narrowed like a watchdog. “What’s your plan?”

“I just want to walk around.” you admit, biting the inside of your cheek hoping that she’ll approve of your response. She only whirls back around and starts walking aimlessly down the street.

A few minutes into the walk and neither of you uttered a single word. You’ve only spoken to her twice before and the conversations from the past were dry and closed ended. What’s there to say to a girl like her? Maybe you should’ve asked Ji-yeong. But you like the fun in figuring it out yourself.

“So,” you start off, crushing your empty plastic cup once all the alcohol was now in your system. “how did you and Ji-yeong meet?”

“Her job.” she replies dryly, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket.

You nod at her, amused at how intensely she began staring at the pavement. “Me too. Did you also think she was trying to scam you at first?”

Sae-byeok briefly looked at you once more and purses her lips, it could mean a lot of different things but you think she’s trying to suppress amusement—or annoyance. She’s a tough one to crack, but you’re resilient and stubborn.

“She’s the first friend that I made outside of college—which is nice because we get to talk more about life rather than just school.” you ramble, kicking off miscellaneous objects that lay on the sidewalk. “Because college can be so draining—especially when you don’t have a stable income and have to work while studying.”

After a bit more walking you both stumble upon a frozen yogurt shop where the only customers were a rowdy group of teenagers. It was a silent mutual decision to head inside and get something.

You want to point out how funny it was for her to not add toppings to her frozen yogurt but you figure it’s better not to tease.

Once you both sat on the lonely bench across the street from the shop, Sae-byeok finally pulled her hoodie down so you could see her tousled black hair better frame her face. She began grabbing small spoonfuls of frozen yogurt to her mouth while you observed her.

“Are you in college?” you ask her curiously. She only shakes her head, studying her frozen treat like it’s a relic in a museum. “And why did you want to go to the party in the first place? It seemed like you didn’t have fun the moment we stepped inside the train to head there.”

“You ask a lot of fucking questions.” she says, her voice raspier and stern.

You could spot a defense mechanism from miles away. So, you didn’t take it to heart—instead the game you were trying to play turned into something more mystique. Now, you feel your chest become heavy with the sadness you felt as you got ready for the party.

“I normally don’t.” you murmur, swirling around your melting yogurt with the plastic spoon. “I just I think you’re interesting.” you blurt without hesitation and watch her carefully.

The sound of cicadas shuttering in the distance overwhelms the silence. Where the teenagers making a ruckus outside the yogurt shop was now empty, only leaving you alone with Sae-byeok. It felt like you two were the only things living on Earth briefly.

Her eyes flicker up to you in a flash, yet you were able to capture the light shades of brown in her irises before she pulls away to look at her lap. She scoffs quietly. “You’re wasting your time then. I’m not.”

“So, you seriously don’t care that I said I found you interesting?” you question. “You know what I’m implying, yes?”

“Like I said—I’m not. And I’m not interested.”

“Ouch.” you said, feigning heartbreak. “My heart is already weak enough, Sae-byeok.”

Sae-byeok sets aside her empty frozen yogurt cup and stares ahead at the starless sky, her expression bleak as ever. Maybe you shouldn’t have mentioned your heart condition so suddenly.

“It’s hard not to eavesdrop on Ji-yeong when she talks to you so loudly on the phone.” she sighs in reference to your weak heart. “I hear the way she consoles you and…sometimes you’re on speaker and—“

“Pity me?” you cut her off, watching her with eyebrows furrowed.

“No.” she glances at you. “Everyone in the world is sad but you’re…sadder.”

You didn’t expect it at all. It was hard to digest anything after her confession, so you just stare shamefully at your half eaten yogurt.

“You’re probably right.” you breathe. “But the same could be said for you.” she only rolls her eyes at your response, so you add, “We just left a party.”

“Because it fucking sucked.”

“Oh yeah? If it was fun would you have gone to the dance floor?” you ask curiously.

“You’re getting on my nerves.”

You shrug. “I’m the one opening up. You know about my condition—what about you? What makes you sad?”

“Everything.” she exhales.

“The world is shit.” you agree.

“Oh yeah?” she scoffs in amusement. “Thought you were more of an optimist.”

You only chuckle at her. Then her phone tings—when she pulls it out her forehead crinkles reading whatever message she received. She lets out a groan and throws her head back in irritation.

Apparently, Ji-yeong was blackout drunk and was spamming her roommate twenty blurry pictures of the party. It was concluded it was better to stay at the party to watch over her drunken stupors.

When you both walked back to the party, the number of people doubled that even some resorted to take the party outside. People sprawled on the lawn, smoking, drinking and giggling like life was eternal. You clutch your chest at the sting then drop it before Sae-byeok noticed.

She mutters a curse before stepping inside the house filled with a clammy crowd.

It was no use to find her below the sea of people so she suggests heading up the stairs and survey the scene from above. But before your foot could even touch the stairs you feel a shoulder collide with yours—the sudden impact makes your balance unstable. When you fall on the ground the pang in your chest worsened.

“I’m fine—I got it.” you heave when Sae-byeok outstretched her arm to pull you up. When you get off by your self, your breathing begins to feel erratic. “Can we hide in a bathroom for a second?”

She locks the bathroom door and stares at it as if she was collecting herself. You sit on the toilet seat lid and look up at her, frowning. After tying her short raven hair she slowly walks over to the sink and leans her back against it.

“Why even come in the first place if you’re still recovering?” she murmurs, observing the bathroom tile flooring.

You shake your head softly, frustration brewing in your system rapidly. “Because I’m tired of being locked up in my room—I just wanted to experience things people my age do.”

“But—“

“I’ve never been able to live freely like everyone else. I can’t do sports, go on rollercoasters, swim, nothing. Not even after my heart transplant.” you explain more calmly. She makes eye contact with you finally but you’re still visibly upset. “I just want to experience something good.” you tremble before staring at your lap in shame.

Calloused fingers gently grabbed you by the chin and lifted your head up. Sae-byeok immediately drew her hand back to her pocket and clears her throat.

“I’m free Sunday.” she says flatly and it took you a moment to register the context behind her words. Hesitantly, you exchange looks and notice her once stern eyes rounded in a rarity of softness. This is the moment you realized you cracked Sae-byeok.

For the first time in a while you felt a clear path in life—your world was filled with so much uncertainty. You just wanted someone—anyone to tell you you’re their path. And you’re elated it’s her.

“Let’s go find her.” she declares after intense silence.

You stop her from reaching the doorknob and didn’t think when you pressed your lips onto hers. “Sorry,” you say, your lips still brushing against hers and weakly grin. “I wanted to do that all night.”

“Oh.” she whispers, her cheeks visibly becoming more pink. “Just to experience it?” she asks, sounding the tiniest bit disappointed.

You shake your head no. “Like I said, you’re interesting.”

She presses her lips tightly like she was trying to fight back smiling. Your hand slowly lets go of the doorknob and watch her slowly reveal the ruckus going on the other side. She reaches to grab your wrist this time, something she wished she would’ve done earlier.

The night still was young but you’ll remember this night as if we’re eternal. Because tonight was the night you finally decided to live life without hesitation and it brought you to Sae-byeok.

EMBRACE

kang sae-byeok x reader

synopsis: inspired by embrace by pastel ghost, after a heated argument with your best friend sae-byeok she is the first to approach you unexpectedly by knocking at your window. the only way two stubborn friends like you two can make up is by exchanging of touch deprived reconciliations.

wc. 1.7k

warnings: friends to lovers, hurt/comfort

(masterlist)

You called out of work today—lying that you were ill. But your behavior the entire day made it seem as if you were actually sick.

Curtains drawn shut, the air conditioning buzzing, and your room barely illuminated with the only light source being your phone which your eyes were glued to. You were trying to consume as much media as you could to forget. You were determined to erase the pain even if it meant doing it in an unhealthy way because you refuse to talk to her first. It was childish yes, but she too was giving you the cold shoulder so it is only right for you to do the same.

The reason why you and Sae-byeok became friends was because of your broad similarities with her—you both have a soft spot for the mundane and lack social skills. But your similarities is what ultimately brought conflict in your complex friendship with her.

She hurt you with words and you also wished to hurt her in the heat of the moment. It’s been a few days since you’ve heard from her.

You hate how recurring the vivid scenario of that night keeps boring into your head. It’s a blurred memory but you remember the malevolent look in her eyes. It went like this: you had her for dinner, well aware of her frugal lifestyle and she easily accepts your invitation as this was a frequent occurrence—you inviting Sae-byeok for dinner. But as you, your parents and her silently ate, your mom made the big mistake of bringing up her past. More specifically about her being a defector. Once dinner was awkwardly over, your best friend pulled you aside to confront you—and she was pissed, completely red in the face and eyes darkly intense. You get why she was upset that you told your parents about her personal life without her knowledge, you could own up to that but just as you were about to, Sae-byeok said harsh things about your character. So, you said harsher things. And you both stormed off with this heated tension and snappy thoughts. Maybe for a brief second, you two despised each other.

As you scrolled through your phone, you heard the rain gradually become louder as the raindrops became thicker and more intense. The wind sounded like it could fight back and you were just glad you didn’t go to work today and having to deal with this weather.

The sound of an upcoming thunderstorm was making you feel more lethargic. At some point, your phone slips off your hand and softly landed in your chest as you began to fall asleep. In your quest to fall into slumber, you focused on listening to the environmental noise outside as it soothed your anxious mind. It wasn’t until the sound of rain mixed with familiar banging noises that you felt an irregular presence lurking.

You spring up from your bed, your heartbeat racing as you try and figure out if the banging noise was real or all in your head.

It was real—and it’s coming from your window. Your heart sinks knowing the inevitable truth that will be revealed when you open up your curtains. You approach your window with caution and brace yourself for another intense moment.

As you expected, Sae-byeok was on the other end, crouching on the small ledge that barely supported someone as tall as her. She was hugging her middle, glancing down at her lap, and completely drenched.

It hurt you seeing her like this because it meant that she became so desperate to the point she had to bruise her ego and pride to come to you like this—weak and cold. And even if she hurt you, you couldn’t find it in yourself to close the curtain and pretend she wasn’t there.

You avoid looking in her direction after pulling up your window. The sound of her wet shoes squeaking against your bedroom floor and her shaky breath made you concerned. Like Sae-byeok, you weren’t much of an affectionate person and that’s one of the many things you have in common with her but in this moment you wished you knew the ways to console her—even after everything that went down. Instead, you just go back to hide underneath your blanket, cowering. While you heard her rustling in your drawer looking for a change in clothes, your thoughts travel back to the idea of giving her a warm embrace after she wrestled with the thunderstorm outside.

But the problem is, you and Sae-byeok never were physically affectionate. Sometimes your hands would brush against each other when you passed each other things and if you two were riding the subway or the bus, your thighs might touch—but that’s as far as it went. In movies and shows, you would always see female friendships be so touchy and connect with each other on a deeply emotional level. You didn’t have that with her but it was a mutual agreement. Neither of you craved for that—that’s what you convince yourself to believe.

You feel the weight of the mattress sink down, so you turn around so your back would be back her. Today, you don’t want to confront her about the argument and you’re sure she feels the same. So, you wanted to go to sleep and forget the fact that she slipped under your covers with you only a few inches away. But you kept imagining what it would be like to feel her—are her hands naturally warm or cold? You scold yourself for thinking this way and you’re frightened that you cannot stop these scenarios from popping up.

This conflict was starting to overwhelm you, her overall presence was suffocating. You shut your eyes, expecting this’ll be how you end your day—however, you feel her press against your chest slowly, waiting for you to silently approve of this unexpected touch. When you don’t move nor speak, she hovers her trembling cold hands on your waist. Goosebumps trickle your skin feeling her press her hand on top of your waist. You might actually be fever dreaming.

She freezes in this position for a few minutes before tucking her chin between the nape of your exposed neck. You could feel her erratic breathing fan the side of your face. It was strange, you didn’t know how to react so you remain solid.

She holds her breath when she gets the idea of tracing soothing circles—she couldn’t help herself your touch was magnetic. It was the missing puzzle to make this friendship work—physical touch. Her hesitant and slow touches became more needy when you kept being unresponsive, like you purposefully wanted to drive her insane.

“What are you doing?” you manage to whisper.

“I don’t know.” Sae-byeok quietly admits.

This bizarre exchange made you wonder if this was possibly her way to say she is sorry. And if it was, you wonder if it’s enough. Sae-byeok was never a woman of words, so this meant a magnitude of apologies. You really feel like you’re in a dream state now.

Her fingers began fiddling with the ends of your shirt, trying to figure out how to naturally touch your bare skin without frightening you. When she finally wraps her arm around your bare waist and pulled you closer, her intentions were pure. They were right from the beginning—and that’s when you figured it out: Sae-byeok was touch deprived.

“You aren’t stupid—I didn’t mean it.” Sae-byeok spoke up, making your heart skip a beat at the sudden drop.

“I didn’t mean it either.” you mumble. “You aren’t insensitive.”

You finally get the courage to turn around in your bed. When you look at her, you see it in her face—the hurt. Her disregarded chapped and slightly red lips, pale freckled face, and her heavy red gaze. You thought she wasn’t going to be affected by what happened—remembering that she said she was fine with letting you go for being to selfish.

This time, you’re the first one to reach out and touch her. You run your fingers through her slightly moist unruly hair and frame her loose strands away from her face. She observes the way your eyes flicker carefully and revels in this soft moment. Neither of you ever thought that each others touch would be so electrifying.

Sae-byeok’s true gesture of apology was when she pushed your hand away from her face to gain access to your lips after fighting an internal battle with herself to not do it. She kissed you briefly, barely hovering over your lips to not completely abrupt you. But you felt enough to want more. You grab her by the back of her head to make her collide her lips fully with yours.

It started off careful and guarded, both your minds still trapped in the thoughts of your argument. When you feverishly began trailing your hand down to the nape of her neck and rub gentle circles that’s her movements became needy and hungry. She moved her lips against yours like she was running out of time. She slowly starts hovering above you, you use it as an opportunity to explore her. You run your hands up to her face and down to her waist, pulling her even closer till she was basically laying on top of you—getting the full scent of rain off of her hair and skin.

Neither of you knew what possessed each other to kiss with such fervor and neediness, but it was clear you both were craving to connect with someone deeply like this.

After minutes of purely making out, the two of you pull away and stare at each other with half lidded eyes. Your breaths mingled with many things still left unsaid, yet it didn’t matter now.

She rolls off you and lays down next to you, staring at the ceiling deep in her thoughts now. Your eyes had a hard time looking away from her swollen lips.

“Thank you.” she mutters after silence overtook your room. You stare at her with concern. “For everything—not just…for not pushing me away. I know I’m not an easy person to deal with.”

“You don’t have to thank me—I would do it all again if…it leads up to this.” you timidly confess to her.

You see the pink bloom in her cheeks while she tries to avoid your eyes. “Me too.” she says gently.

Her hands reach out to grab yours and you easily intertwine your fingers with hers. Now that the tension is long gone, you two share the comfort of each other as you listened to the rainfall.

hii i feel like i haven’t been active in years (5 days) but just to update: my sae-byeok/spiderman au fic is going to be out at a later time because it’s a pretty lengthy fic and school has been keeping me busy so im going to post a shorter length fic this weekend so my account doesn’t become starved.

FADE INTO YOU

kang sae-byeok x fem!reader

synopsis: you live in a small secluded town in jeju where nothing ever happens until a girl with a face made of stone moved in. however, her disillusion about life makes your strange relationship with her complicated—further conflicting each others lives.

wc. 6.2k

warnings: situationship to ???, angst, little bit of fluff and comfort, use of alcohol and cigarettes, brief mentions of sexual intimacy, reader is very melancholic

(masterlist)

Living in a place that people dream of visiting is gloomier than you imagined it would be. Beautiful green scenery, pale blue skies, and waves crashing—it was paradise. The people, they were quieter and much more at peace with life than in the bustling cities back in the mainland. Unlike the corporate driven lifestyle you were surrounded with back in Seoul, it felt like time permanently stopped here in Jeju. You didn’t have to rush anything, especially living in a small tucked away town right beside the seashore.

The problem back in Seoul was that you were dissatisfied with your direction in life. But that ache in your chest still seeped into your new life here in Jeju. So, you think it’s not a location problem—it’s a you problem. There’s something wrong with you.

And you need something to get you going. Like now.

It might’ve been late afternoon by the time you heard several hard knocks coming from your bedroom. You let out irritated groans by the nonstop banging, still not intending to be awake at this hour in the day. To prevent the noise blaring through your eardrums you grab your unused pillow and press it to your face so your head could be sandwiched in between pillows.

But you heard a stern, equally as irritated muffle on the other end. “Hey? Are you awake?” you hear your older sister whine.

Her knocking was relentless and you knew she wasn’t going to stop until you reveal yourself from hibernating in your dark and depressed bedroom. “Coming.” you croak out.

You rub your eyes and lazily place your feet on the ground. It took all of your strength to get off your bed and walk over to your door. Stumbling in the process, you finally reach for the doorknob.

Your sister stood there with her arms crossed and forming a look of disgust at your current state. “Count Orlok, you live in a place with the most beautiful views maybe try opening your curtains.”

She comes inside your room and yanks open the dark curtains. Your eyes squint trying to adjust your irises to the blaring summer sunlight. The light gray sand behind your room made your room shine brighter thanks to the reflection of the sun bouncing off of the sand.

“What do you want? I don’t work today.” you ask her, watching peevishly as she picks up your dirty laundry off the ground—a habit of hers.

“Mom and dad are coming later tonight.” she explains and starts rummaging through your closet.

“You could’ve just sent me this over text instead of barging in here.” you retort, watching as she picked out clothes for you to wear. This is what your sister does, she loves control. And you just let her because you don’t want to move back to your parents.

“I came here because if I sent a text I knew you’d ignore it. You have to get ready now.” she says strictly. She sighs in disappointment when you let out another tired whine and flop on top of your bed. “Seriously are you depressed or something?”

“What? No—would you quit asking that?” you stammer and reach to hug your pillow, nuzzling into it and flutter your eyes closed. “I’m just…bored.”

“Bored?” she scoffs mockingly. “You’re the one that didn’t want to keep living with mom and dad. If you want to go back to by all means go. But if you’re staying then get ready.”

She tosses the clothes she wants you to wear straight to your face. When she storms out your room you began to incant quiet curses at her.

You used to have a great relationship with your family because you did everything they wanted you to do to the tea. It got ruined the moment you decided to navigate your own decisions about how you want to live life. Although you know dropping out of college and living with your sister isn’t the most ideal pathway, it was better than what you dealt with back home. But your parents don’t get it. They didn’t see the constant cries for help, instead they saw the dropping grades.

It didn’t help that your sister replaced you as their new golden child. She is a small business owner in Jeju and owns a house with her fiancée. And you’re staying in the room that is technically meant for their future baby—in the works.

“So, how’s your sister behaving?” your dad asks your sister about you. The only thing you could do was silently roll your eyes and keep eating.

Tonight the dining table was packed—even your sister’s fiancée was here who is known to be a workaholic. And of course, your parents couldn’t help themselves by trying to embarrass you the moment dinner was served.

“All she does is stay in her room.” she replies shaking her head while cutting her steak. “Whenever we want to have a meal all together she just prefers eating in her room.”

“Now, sweetie,” you mom sighs giving you a disapproving look. “why don’t you want to eat with them? It’s the least you could do after taking up one of their rooms.”

“And it’s their future baby’s room.” your dad adds with a mocking laugh.

“It’s fine, sir,” your sister’s fiancée claims calmly. “we aren’t in a rush to kick anyone out.”

You don’t wish to acknowledge them and continue to play with your food. There was a time where they used to praise you for your intelligence and grit. But ever since you gave up, you’ve become numb to their backhanded comments and criticism.

Yet deep down you know they’re right. When your sister finally has her baby you can’t live with them anymore so you need to start thinking about your future now or it’ll be too late. But it’s already late.

“You’re too kind, boy.” your mom says to the fiancée, dabbing the corners of her mouth with a napkin. “Maybe what she needs is a good man like you. Do you have any single, good men in your family that will be interested in my lazy daughter?”

“Mom.” you say to her warningly, throwing her a stern expression. You hear the fiancée chortle.

“What?” she asks innocently. “If you aren’t going to college then your future as an independent woman is over. You’ll need to find a man with a well established job if you want to live a good life. We’re all just looking out for you, honey.”

Exhaling a long dramatic sigh, you push your seat back and get up. You couldn’t stand it anymore—their never ending berating. When you walk away you hear all of them call out your name and telling you to come back down to eat. But you aren’t hungry, you’re tired. Tired of filling the space.

When you go up to your room you change out of the clothing your sister picked out for you and opt in for a lightweight sweater and sweats. You sneak back down the stairs and exit the house without being heard from your family, who you can hear still talking at the dining table.

The walk from the house to seashore was brief. It was nothing but you, your thoughts and the sound of waves crashing tonight because you don’t intend to go back until late in the night. And your family won’t get worried, they know that this is your way of throwing a tantrum.

Once you sat down on the soft part of the sand, you press your knees up to your chest then rest your chin on top of your kneecaps and stare at the salty water. This was your new favorite pastime. You used to have such a short attention span until coming here to Jeju. Everything about Jeju was slow and peaceful which is just what your tired body needs after putting yourself through twenty years of academic stress.

Unaware of how long you’ve been sitting in the sand and staring at the ocean, a silhouette emerges from the shadows. There is only one other person who would deliberately keep to themselves and use the beach as a form of refuge.

In routinely fashion, Sae-byeok approaches your lonely figure and sits down next to you without uttering a single word. Her long limbs stretch out in the sand and she also maintains her eyes on the ocean.

Your relationship with Kang Sae-byeok (if you couldn’t even call it that) was blurry. In the few months you’ve known her, it was easy to be around her. You never felt pressured to talk or to fake niceties with her. However, Sae-byeok’s guardedness and intimidation was ultimately the reason the two of you never got close. It’s hard to even consider the stoic girl a friend. And you think she’s fine with that.

Ever since she’s moved in this small town in Jeju, you felt a tad bit less lonely sharing the comfort of knowing there’s another girl your age living close by. But you still have so many questions to ask her. What do you do for a living to afford to live in one of the nicest house alone? Where are your parents? Are they wealthy? You don’t have a single clue about her and she wants to keep it that way.

And all Sae-byeok knows about you is that you don’t have a single clue about anything anymore—you just exist to fill the space. Or at least, that’s the way you explained your life to her.

The salty aroma, the sound of the waves sloshing and the cool breeze was enough to lull you to sleep. While slowly shutting your eyes, you almost forgot Sae-byeok’s silent presence was still there. Sleep was overtaking your body.

“What’re you doing here?” you hear her low hoarse ask you. You’re in a place where she speaks in full sentences now.

“Hiding.” you reply softly and open your eyes to look at her beautiful face. It was entrancing how the moonlight reflected onto her best features.

Her eyes start moving to stare down at her feet and she nods. “From?” she adds quietly.

“My parents. They’re here to visit my sister and her fiancée for the weekend.” you sigh.

When she glances up to face you, there is no longer the hesitation to avoid peering into your eyes like she did months ago. You know your strange bond with Sae-byeok is a little bizarre but you find her guarded presence a little comforting too.

“They aren’t here to see you?” she questions, her tone flat as usual but you paid attention to the way her eyebrows quirked for a second.

You hum in thought before shrugging. “I don’t know. They haven’t been happy with me recently.”

Maybe that little flicker in her eyes was pity because it made your heart clench. She must think about you like they do.

After you go back to observe the darkly illuminated ocean, you felt a warm hand softly grab the back of your head. You didn’t have time to react before feeling a soft pair of lips gently press yours.

This wasn’t going to be one of those typical nights of silence, that you’re sure of. Tonight is a rare moment in time where Sae-byeok is yearning for the affection of another and you’re always the one chosen to fill that void in her heart. But like everything Sae-byeok does, it’s a fleeting moment of affection that vanishes when morning comes.

And tonight, you weren’t having her push and pull antics after that disaster dinner with your family. You don’t initially react to the kiss and stiffly remain in the same position. The feeling lingered for a brief second before Sae-byeok pulled away. Her usual sharp gaze went completely soft as she slowly drew back after staring at your face centimeters close.

“Did I…?” she trails off unsurely.

You hesitate. “I feel like I don’t know you—“

“I told you that it’s better for us if you don’t know anything.” she sighs, sounding insecure and starts drawing shapes in the sand. “It’s easier this way.”

“…For you maybe.” you murmur quiet enough for her not to hear. You don’t need any more uncertainties in your life.

This was something new you both did—share stolen kisses. And if you’re both feeling extra lonely, then it would lead to something much deeper and vulnerable but that only occurred twice. Although it feels nice to be with her in the moment, you didn’t want her just for a brief period.

Without saying anything else, you feel her body shifting and the sound of shoes crunching on sand. You didn’t glance back at her when she started walking away. This was something she did when you tried getting close to her—she runs away.

⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿

The salty air stung your face as you rode your bike to the boutique. At first, the smell was burning your nostrils but like everything in life, the feeling subsides. By the time you make it to the shop, your skin is hot by the sun glaring underneath you and your legs sore from pedaling fast. You were a few minutes late.

Once you’re in front of the boutique, you stop pedaling and hop off your bike. You didn’t see your sister this morning but you’re crossing your fingers she’s running errands instead of working. She already gave you a warning a few days ago about your tardiness and you don’t want to face her wrath again.

When you roll your bike to the back of the store you heard two familiar voices that shouldn’t coincide in the same vicinity. You hold your breath when you turn the corner and duck your head low.

You don’t know why Sae-byeok was here. She was leaning against the wall next to your coworker Ji-yeong, sharing a cigarette and giggling amongst each other like drunken friends. But when they spotted you coming around the corner, they mellowed out. You pretend not to see them, turn up the music in your headphones and quickly rest your bike against the wall.

A strange feeling in your stomach brews seeing them together like that. You were never seen with Sae-byeok in broad daylight—all of your interactions were hidden underneath the moonlight. It was a conflict feeling but then again, you don’t know a thing about her. So, you should stop setting yourself up to get hurt for no good reason.

Throughout your shift, you try to interact with international tourists as best as you can while suggesting an item of clothing. It was hard to force a customer service smile when you could see the two girls from the corner of your eyes, chatting by the counter.

You force your mind to think you’re upset that Ji-yeong is making you do all the customer service work while she does nothing. But deep down, you might be jealous. You thought you had something special with Sae-byeok…she doesn’t even smile that widely with you.

After finishing helping the customers as best as you can with the language barrier, you hide in the corner of the store arranging a rack that didn’t need to be fixed. But you couldn’t go anywhere else in this small shop without looking at Ji-yeong and Sae-byeok, so this was the only spot where you couldn’t see them.

“What’re you doing here?” a voice asks demandingly. You jump and snap your eyes to look at your sister, whose arms were crossed. “Well?”

“Cleaning.” you reply with a straight face. Of course she isn’t buying it. “What do you want me to do? It’s practically empty here right now besides those two tourist still in the store.”

She rolls her eyes and fixates her eyes on something ahead. “Hey, isn’t that your friend? The weird quiet one with, Ji?”

“Shut up.” you hiss.

She blinks like she was studying your anxious demeanor until she heard the sound of the door ring. “Look, go help them—they look rich.”

After another thirty minutes, Sae-byeok finally left the shop without uttering a word to you. To be fair, you were just helping customers but she didn’t look at you either. You try to swallow back the pain of rejection.

“I’m going on break.” you mutter to Ji-yeong who was ringing a customer at the counter. She curtly nods, barely any acknowledgment to your being as well.

Outside the boutique your sister bought an expensive bench painted white to match the rest of the shops exterior. You like to sit outside it for your break and observe the passerby’s. This town is much busier than your small, boring one. It’s filled with tourists, bikers, photographers and clumsy kids.

Five minutes into your break you feel someone sit beside you.

“You’re ignoring me now?” Sae-byeok mutters, shoving her hands into the pocket of her hoodie.

You barely look at her before shaking your head. “What did you want me to do? Jump in joy?”

She snorts and starts observing the crowd walking up and down the sidewalk too. “Ji-yeong invited me to this party—you should come.”

You fight back the urge to ask her about Ji-yeong and their history together. “I’m alright.”

She doesn’t say anything for a moment to think. “Just come.” she says much quieter. You give her a skeptical look. She sighs at it. “It’s just in case I’m lonely there. I already said I’d go.”

“So, I’m just going to be there to fill the space?” you question, your voice shaking slightly by hurt. “No thanks.” you whisper.

“I didn’t mean it like that—I’m sorry.” she deadpans so you don’t believe she is.

You shake your head one last time and throw on your headphones. Since you only have a few minutes left to your break and you don’t want her to ruin it, you turn your body away to face her. It felt childish but you didn’t want her to see the pained expression on your face.

⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿

You press your back to the wall, drinking out of your plastic red cup awkwardly as you watch a crowd of people dance up against each other—the lights flickering with color like a kaleidoscope in the ceiling.

It never dawned on you that you would ever be at a party on the mansion located in the hills of Jeju. For most residents here, their life goal is to be invited to a mansion party in this island. To get their small taste of the Great Gatsby. Although this wasn’t nowhere near as luxurious, it was still a big place with high ceilings, marble columns, and illegal drugs. Everything a rich person party needs and it made you feel out of place. They definitely party different—but most of the people here look like people your age so how different can they be?

You arrived to this party all alone. Sae-byeok wasn’t responding to your texts so for the first thirty minutes, you just took sips from your alcoholic beverage and walked around the mansion like it was a museum. It basically was a museum seeing as there were large intricate paintings and portraits carefully hung on the walls.

When you made it to the second floor, you started to get lost and after minutes of trying to find your way down the stairs you end up in an open space that looked like a smaller living room. A group of people occupied this space and turned to look at you when you froze by the entrance.

“Hey! Come over—don’t be shy!” a drunken voice slurs when you turned your back to walk away.

You quietly wince—without much of a choice you drag yourself over to them. A few kept their glazed eyes on you, others were too busy brewing an alcohol beverage that looked strong enough to make someone pass out. The person who called you over pats to the last empty seat next to them. It was a girl, short hair and multiple facial piercings.

“Now we have a full house!” she cheers once you sat down but no one acknowledged it, or least ignored her.

You peer at anything but the group of people chatting amongst each other. It was awkward being the only person not engaging in small talk so you keep taking swigs out of your drink. Now, you have to figure out how to slip out of this room without anyone noticing.

“Smoke?” the girl next to you asks, offering an already lit up cigarette to you.

You hesitantly stare at it. Since your dad was a heavy smoker, you were always intrigued by it. Screw it, you think, what else do I have to lose? You already lost everything.

When you nod, she holds the cigarette for you as you inhale the toxic smoke. Of course, you began choking up on the smoke and start coughing it out, your mouth and nostrils blowing out the grey smoke like a train engine. The girl laughs and starts patting your back.

“First time?” she asks, laughing and you only respond with a beet red face. “You didn’t inhale right. Breathe it in a little bit more deeper so it actually goes to your lungs.” she says and observes you as you try again. This time you didn’t choke up. “There you go.”

You never got her name but she offered you the strange alcohol concoction some dudes that looked blacked out drunk made. And with your mind already buzzing, you just took the cup and began drinking it. By the time you finished it, you were too afraid to move out of this couch with your head already spinning. It didn’t help that the people gathered around were blasting their own music and hopping on the seats like a bouncy castle—it only made you even more dizzy. But you couldn’t help but drunkenly giggle along side the girl next to you when one of the guys fell backwards on the couch.

She offers you another puff from her cigarette and you take it. When you place it between your teeth you see someone snatch it from your mouth. You peer up and see a hazy vision of the girl who led you to this party in the first place.

“There you fucking are. I was calling you.” she snarls, but her voice seeps of worry. You didn’t catch it however, your mind was too buzzed to properly catch her subtle cues. “Are you drunk?”

“I’m so tired…” you slur, resting your head in her lap. “All the time.”

Sae-byeok sighs and rakes her fingers through your hair, watching as you start lulling to sleep on her lap. But you couldn’t fall asleep just yet. The thought of dragging you out of this party and to your house already is making her body tired.

Sae-byeok knows better than you just drop you off home, knowing how hot headed your sister can be. She’s seen the way she barks order at you in her boutique. But it made her nervous bringing you to her house to spend the night. Ever since she bought the house with the prize money, she never allowed anyone in—she always thought the first people who would step in would be Cheol and her mom. But that’s what she gets for bringing more people into her life.

She crinkles her nose in disgust as she holds up your hair while your face was stuck in the toilet bowl, throwing up all the alcohol in your system. Once you’re done hacking like your life depended on it, you groan in pain and press your body on the tile wall of Sae-byeok’s bathroom—still unable to grasp that you’re actually in her house. But your mind is still loopy you couldn’t think about it too hard unless you wanted to throw up again.

You could feel the weight of her stare on your sad sprawled figure as you recollect yourself. “I’m not that drunk. Just dizzy.” you grumble at her, hugging your sore stomach.

“Whatever you say.” she scoffs, rolling her eyes. “Stay here—I’ll bring you a change of clothes.”

After several minutes go by, she reappears with her worn out sweats and a band tee shirt. Her posture slumps when she sees you burying your crying face on your propped up knees. “Hey, why are you crying?” she asks in a softer tone, kneeling down to be at your level.

But you didn’t reply and maybe it wasn’t appropriate for her to ask you in your drunken state. So, she lifts you off the bathroom floor and guides you to her bedroom. When you lay on her bed, eyes already half lidded trying to fight back sleep, she chews on the inside of her cheek to think. You still have to change but you’re in a worn out state to physically be able to do it. It wouldn’t be weird for her to undress you and put on your clothes for you right? She’s seen you without any clothes twice before.

You don’t react when she starts pulling up your shirt, exposing your upper body to the cool air nipping your skin. And after she’s done putting on her sweats on you, you’re already asleep. She stares at your face, your mouth parted open slightly and cheeks tinted red from the alcohol. But she couldn’t help but worry about the tear marks across your face that didn’t dry up yet.

Once Sae-byeok finished doing her short nighttime routine she rolls next to you on her bed. She naturally spoons you, wrapping one of her arms around your waist and nestles her head into the crook of your neck. After inhaling the fresh scent of perfume and cigarettes on you she could feel her own sober self lull to slumber.

⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿

Head throbbing and limbs weak. That’s the first thing you felt when your eyes began to naturally flutter open. It took sometime to assess the place you woke up in and how you even got here in the first place. Your heart sunk when you remembered the hazy details. The sheer embarrassment of it all made you slam your face in the pillow and let out a groggily groan.

You are pathetic and an idiot. Sae-byeok saw the weakest form of you and you might never live it down. But surely you couldn’t have been that embarrassing? It’s not like you blacked out.

But now, you were afraid to leave the room feeling like you already trespassed enough. But Sae-byeok had to be somewhere in the house, she wouldn’t have left you here all by yourself you hope.

When you toss aside the sheets you gasp seeing the unfamiliar set of oversized clothes on your body. You’re conflicted whether to feel special or embarrassed with the fact she let you wear her clothes.

Sae-byeok’s room is…sad. She has no decorations that mark this room as hers except for her belongings mindlessly left on top of her night stand—her keys, wallet, and cigarette pack. It gets even stranger when you carefully step outside—the floor and walls were empty canvases.

You heard plates and silverware’s cluttering as you walked across the hallway. Naturally, you stiffen up and hug your body feeling exposed when you realized Ji-yeong was cooking something up in the kitchen and Sae-byeok leaning across the island counter, sipping from her mug. But only Ji-yeong turned to acknowledge you.

“Hey.” she greets casually. “I’m making breakfast, you want some? It’s not the best but probably will help if you eat something. Sae told me you got absolutely shitfaced last night—same here.” she snorts.

Your cheeks blaze up. When you glance over at Sae-byeok, your heart gets heavy seeing her act as if you were invisible to her. Did you piss her off last night thanks to your drunken stupor?

Feeling exposed and conflicted, you let out a low, “No, thank you.”

“Are you sure?” Ji-yeong asks. “I don’t mind making another plate.”

You softly shake your throbbing head. “I’m just…going home.”

She doesn’t argue with you, only purses her lips and nods. You look at Sae-byeok again, still nothing. So you awkwardly shuffle back to her room to gather your things. You hope all your belongings are here anyways.

When you find your clothes folded by the edge of Sae-byeok’s drawer you press them to your chest and smell the stench of alcohol and cigarettes on them. You peer down and contemplate changing or walking away with the clothes you have on. That’s when the door creaks open behind you.

“Why aren’t you going to eat?” is the first thing she says to you. She leans her body against the door, keeping you trapped here as she hardens her gaze on you.

“I just want to go home.” you mutter in defeat, feeling small underneath her stare. “I’ll eat there.”

“Fine.” she exhales. “And…why were you crying last night?”

You swallow thickly. “I didn’t know I was…”

“You do.” she says coolly. “You weren’t that drunk by the time we got home. We both know that.”

You know that last night, you cried about everything in your life. The fact that you completely disappointed your parents for good, your sister sees you as a nuisance in her home, and you can never have Sae-byeok the way you want her. And you let it spiral a little out of control last night. But she isn’t with you and she isn’t your friend, so she doesn’t need to know.

“My head is too foggy right now. Just let me go please.” you croak out. She still doesn’t move out of the way. “Do you want me to give you your clothes back?”

Her posture slouches in defeat. “No. But can we just…just meet me later tonight at our spot, okay? We should probably talk.”

You don’t say anything. Actually, you didn’t much all day leading up to the night you met up with Sae-byeok. Because the moment you got home, all you did was stay locked up in your room with a throbbing headache and anticipating the night. You kept replaying the last thing she said to you in your head over and over trying to figure out what possibly would she want to talk about with you.

When midnight rolled around you threw on your black jacket and tossed the hoodie over your head, carrying Sae-byeok’s clothes with you as you snuck out the house.

Once you made it to your designated spot at the seashore, she was already there. She also had a hoodie thrown over her head but you knew it was her furiously typing on her phone. You took a deep breath before heading to sit next to her. As you sat down, you saw her face contort with frustration thanks to her phone softly illuminating over her face. She turns it off when she sees you silently waiting for her.

“Thanks.” she grumbles when you pass over her clothes and rests them on her lap.

“So,” you began airily. “why did you want to meet?”

She presses her lips together and pulls her knees to her chest in a guarded position that made you more nervous. “I just wanted to tell you that it was great having you around…before you I was pretty lonely—in general…And you’re sort of the first person I’ve ever been intimate with. But I realize how unhappy we both are and I don’t think I’m what you’re looking for.”

For the first time, she finds herself struggling to look over her shoulder to see your face. You shut your eyes to stop your eyes from filling with tears and prepare yourself to listen to the rest of her explanation. Even if it left an achy feeling in your heart.

“I’m—broken, okay?” Sae-byeok trembles. “I can’t make you happy. Not when I can’t make myself happy.”

You start sniffling. It was so obvious, wasn’t it? You always thought that things would never work out with someone as closed off and cold as Sae-byeok but hearing her say it out loud stung more than the past thoughts. But she was right, neither of you were in the right state of mind. It still pissed you off though.

“Fuck you.” you whisper at her, your tone rough but heartbroken. All those stolen kisses and rare nights spent tangled underneath the sheets were turning into bittersweet memories in real time.

Just as you cursed at her, the waves came hurling down twice as big than they normally do. You gasp when the cold salty water soaked your pants. The two of you start scrambling backwards and the contact of the water. Sae-byeok stares at you wide eyed as you mumbled multiple curses while frowning down at your drenched pants.

After the fleeting cursing, you whip your hear up at the sky and see the full moon shining brightly underneath you.

“I—I’m going I can’t—“

“No. Please.” Sae-byeok silently begs, firmly wrapping her hand around your wrist to prevent you from moving. This was the first time you heard her speak in such a vulnerable tone. She walks around you to fully face you, breath hitching but looking deeply into your eyes. “If I ever get my shit together…do you think we could give this a chance maybe?”

You shake your head. “Sae-byeok, I can’t predict the future.”

“Okay but just—“

“What about me?!” you retort back louder than you expect to sound. She immediately closes her mouth, eyes rounding. “Have you ever thought about how I feel? About my life? Do you even care at all? Sae-byeok…I’m so lonely and confused! Did you know I dropped out of law school?” you ask pressing your finger to her chest causing her to stumble backwards without saying a word. “No, you didn’t! And you never cared to ask about why my parents never thought to see me because—I disappointed them! So…So that’s why I moved in with my sister because I couldn’t stand the ridicules anymore but she is losing patience with me by the day so I bet it’s only a matter of time before she kicks me out. But…you made me feel seen. I thought what we had was sacred and special—and I held onto the hope that maybe one day you’d realize that too. But you don’t really want me—you like the idea or probably because you’re even more lonely than I am that you’re desperate for affection.”

By the time you finished talking, she already dropped your hand. You didn’t dare to face her when your eyes were swimming with tears and your body shaken up from the cold and heartbreak. And when you finally turned around to walk away, deep down you wished that she would stop you and fight for you. But if she doesn’t have any fight left in her, then that was a sign enough for you to leave.

⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿

Sae-byeok began watching you from afar. The morning bike rides you took to your sister’s boutique, when you sat outside your porch and staring down at the ground in deep thought, and the nights you laid on the beach. She left you completely alone.

As the days gone by she wondered if she’d ever get the pieces of herself back together. But the nightmares never really leave, no matter how much money the world can offer—the horrors she endured and witnessed never got better like she hoped.

After the bus ride back from Cheol’s foster home, she checks the calendar on her phone. In just two months, if things go smoothly, she’ll finally reunite with her mother and she can finally get back her small family together.

When those two months turned into one month, Sae-byeok started to notice you weren’t around anymore. She knows how much you like secluding yourself in your room, but Ji-yeong hasn’t heard from you and she hasn’t seen you on your routinely biking ride in the mornings. One night, she waited by the seashore hoping you’d appear but obviously you never showed up. She felt stupid for even trying to hope.

She broke your heart—you had every right to disappear from her life. But you aren’t physically around.

So, the night before she had to go pick up her mother from the airport she decided to take matters into her own hand.

Her sweaty hands knock on the door to your sister’s house. After a few minutes someone finally answers and it was your sister. The first thing she noticed was her slightly round protruding belly.

“Oh, it’s you.” she hums sounding disappointed and leans against the door frame. “Is there something you need?”

Sae-byeok inhales deeply first. “Is she here?”

Your sister stares at her blankly before an uneasy expression started to form. “She didn’t tell you?” she asks and Sae-byeok remains frozen in place with her heart hammering out of her chest. “She went back to live with our parents to study law again. Left like…two months ago?”

“Oh.” she says lowly, trying not to make her face look readable. “Thanks.”

Your sister raises a brow, feeling skeptical of her odd appearance. But she just watches as she slumps in posture whilst slowly dragging her feet out of her property before closing the door behind her.

Sae-byeok chokes back tears and recalls the events of the last time you two spoken. It hits her—you never promised her anything. Of course you left without a trace.

Now she can only ever wonder, if she told you that night she wanted to be with you, would you have stayed?

THE POST YOU REBLOGGED IS THE VIBE FOR THE NEXT FIC?!?!?!?

Imma go cry AGAIN

goodluck on your next works, and always prioritize your personal life :)))

thank you im glad you enjoyed it i appreciate it sm!

CHIHIRO

PART FIVE

kang sae-byeok x fem!reader

synopsis: you take a leap of faith to go find sae-byeok after everything from the past makes sense.

wc. 5.6k

warnings: reader gets bad ptsd, fluff, comfort, angst | authors note: another series done! thank you so much for everyone’s constant words of encouragement this might be my last series for a while now that school is starting to get more hectic but stay tuned for one shot fics in the close close future because i already have something planned!

(chihiro masterlist)

(summer, 2021)

Sae-byeok did it. She finally had the guts to do what she was deathly afraid of—running away from Deok-su’s gang without a trace. After completing one last task, she threw her phone into a nearby river and abandoned her dinghy apartment for a much smaller, less spacious one two towns over. Although this meant she was free from his deadly grasp, her source of income was plummeting. It also meant she was farther away from the library and you.

Now, that Cheol’s back in school and summer is starting to dissipate by the changing colors of the leaves above her, she knows she has a cruel awakening this winter. Her new apartment—if you could even call it that, wont have proper heating for the cold weather. But she’s gone through worse.

An hour before visiting hour ends, Sae-byeok heads over to the children’s school. She can already envision the way Cheol is going to look at her for not appearing these past two weeks—shiny doe eyes and trembling lips. And that’s exactly what happened.

“I thought something bad happened to you.” Cheol grumbles.

The Kang siblings sit across from each other in the visitors lounge. Cheol, as of recently, began carrying at least two books everywhere he goes and this time is no different. But he isn’t interested in the contents inside the books—not when his sister reemerged out of the depths.

She tucks stray hairs behind her ear and couldn’t even look at him in the eye when he said that. It was too much. She promised him a lot and he still hasn’t seen the ends of any of her promises. ‘I promise we’ll live together soon’, ‘I promise mom will be here soon.’

“Sorry.” she mutters. “I had to do something—work related.”

“It’s okay, I guess.” he says, knowing he can’t ask too many questions regarding what Sae-byeok does to earn their income.

“How’s school? It’s your first week back right?”

He nods. “My teacher already said I was doing good with reading. I just need to get better at math.”

“You’re a smart kid, you’ll catch on.” she says, her voice too flat for her liking. She couldn’t even sound encouraging enough to lift his spirits, not like you could.

Just then, a volunteer from the children’s home enters the visitors room to announce that there’s only ten minutes left before the kids have to get ready for bed. Cheol’s demeanor falters by the news, his posture slackens and his eyes turn worrisome. He never gotten used to living in these environments, not when he’s outcasted by the other kids for his accent and lack of understanding of South Korean culture.

“Don’t worry,” Sae-byeok assures immediately after noticing. “I’ll be back tomorrow way earlier.”

“Okay.” he says, forcing a small smile. But he doesn’t sound convinced. “Maybe we could stop by the library?” he suggests, hopeful. Sae-byeok becomes immobilized—she doesn’t want to tell him no but she refuses to go back and face you. “…I haven’t seen noona in a week.” he adds as if he read her mind.

“What?”

He gulps. “I asked the other librarians for her but they all said she was sick. Do you know if she’s okay?”

Suddenly, a thousand scenarios of everything that could go wrong with you flashes past Sae-byeok’s eyes. Her hands began to turn clammy and her heart races. If you’ve been sick for a week that has to be alarming. But she couldn’t sit here and not do something about it, right?

Sae-byeok was your girlfriend before everything that happened to you. And after she learned about your condition, retrograde amnesia, there was nothing she could do but watch as you move in without her. It left her crying for days on end and in her mind—this was a much worse fate than death. Her biggest fear was losing you, and the fact that she did in one of the worst ways felt like life was taunting her in the cruelest of manners. You were the brightest thing in her dark and harsh life and then you were gone.

But she promised herself one thing, that she would watch over you regardless. Even if you move on to another lover, or hate her when you met her all over again, it didn’t matter—she still dedicated her time to watch over you beneath the shadows. Yet, it was hard not to get close to you again, it was a grueling task to not be able to reach out to touch you, kiss you, and just talk to you. But her fears still loom around her mind. What if she loses you again? Is it better to let go than risking the chance to love again?

The morning before she ran away, it felt like everything was back to normal again. And for a split second she forgot about your amnesia, that’s why she kissed you all of a sudden. The guilt of leaving you in the dark is swallowing her whole.

She blinks of out her deep thoughts while Cheol observes her curiously. “I’ll go check up on her.” she tells him.

“And…Is she your girlfriend again? If she is then can I be her friend again?” he asks, hopeful.

“No, she isn’t. But—“ she cuts herself off to lick her chapped lips. “you can be her friend again.” she tells her brother who beams.

Once visitation hour is over, Sae-byeok decides to take the tiring walk to your apartment rather than taking the subway, which she can’t afford to do. The second she made it to your block, an unsettling feeling started to form in her stomach like she was on the verge of throwing up. She tried not to feel in order to prevent herself from panicking. If you weren’t okay, then she wouldn’t know what to do with herself.

Before she knocked on your door, she shut her eyes and waited until her breath became steady. After knocking several times nothing occurred and she couldn’t hear anything on the other side of the door, so she does it again with more force. Still nothing.

It’s too late for you to still be at the library if you went back to work and she doubts you’d be at your mother’s house. Sae-byeok had to rationalize with herself that putting in the four digit code for your door’s code was good—she had check up on you.

When she opens the door, she barely pokes her head out to the dark entrance way. Her voice cracks when she calls out your name after not speaking for a while. Sae-byeok slightly tenses when Sen, your cat, appears from the dark alleyway surveying the door. The cat appears to be well fed, right?

She studies the apartment from the entrance. Nothing looks out of place except a kitchen cabinet that was left open revealing all of your medications and first aid kit. She says your name a little more louder, her voice bouncing off the walls. Yet nothing. The panic was starting to set it, she curls her hands into fists to stop them from shaking. Sae-byeok needs to be realistic, there’s no way you’re hurt—life wouldn’t do that do you. You’re too good, have too much to live for, and you provide good things to people’s lives. You gave Sae-byeok hope. If you’re gone, where will that hope in her go?

So, she steps inside and shuts the door behind her. She slowly drags her foot to the hallway. This place showed so signs of life besides Sen. All the lights were off except a singular lamp by your cat’s bed. When she made it to your bedroom door, the grasp on the doorknob was slippery by her sweaty hands.

She opens the door and you’re there and you look…okay?

You were sitting propped up against the bed frame with your large headphones and a book on your lap. When you see her appear from your doorway, your eyes widen but remain stiff in the position she saw you in. The only thing that was out of place, if you could even call it that, was the tip of your nose and your cheeks were red. You must’ve been recovering from a cold or something. But this means Sae-byeok worried for nothing and she trespassed into your home unexpectedly—like a freak.

“Shit, shit.” she whispers frantically, her heart falling to her stomach. She ducks her head to face the ground like she saw something unforgivable—her face becoming hotter by the second. “I’m sorry.”

Immediately, she goes to shut the door and walks swiftly to leave. She’s never been so embarrassed and now she needs several days to cope with what she’s done.

When she bursts open the door she heard you weakly say something, “Wait.” but it was too late, Sae-byeok fucked up bad. She had to leave and not face you again.

Sae-byeok reaches to pat her cheeks and felt something wet. She looks strangely at her tear coated fingers, not understanding why these high emotions bursted out of nowhere. You were okay, so why was she crying?

──・──・・✿ ・・──・──

You are familiar with grief in a sense. It’s an emotion that never truly goes away and after losing your dad when you were just a young child, you thought that’d be the last time you would deal with grief. But now that you’re older you know that it comes in more ways than just death. You grieve for the person you once might’ve been—a smarter more driven one. And you grieve not being able to reconcile with Sae-byeok, who never left your mind ever since you met her…again.

But you don’t know what it was about her that drew you in. Was it her once cold estranged demeanor or the way she softly touched you and looked at you? Maybe it’s both, it has to be. There’s nothing negative you can say about that girl, is that was love does to you?

Love is another tumultuous emotion. You didn’t know what it meant to love a person who isn’t family, but you found your answer. After confronting your mom weeks ago, you found only one thing that linked you and Sae-byeok before the accident—a journal.

The journal was small and stained by mysterious dirty liquid since you found it discarded by the dumpster. It only showed you fragments of your life before you forgot: you met her through tutoring Cheol, you recommend her favorite book, you were the one that showed her the botanical garden, you took a punch for her and that was the same night you shared your first kiss, and in the last page was a declaration. This declaration was your epiphany and you want so badly to tell her about it because you’re certain she wouldn’t runaway once she finds out.

But she disappeared.

When she came into your apartment, you were still recovering from your fever and was too weak to chase after her. But that was telling enough that she does care about you, she’s just afraid. But how can you alleviate her worries when she began hiding?

So, you didn’t have a choice but bring poor Cheol into this.

“She likes to buy her cigarettes at this convenience store.” the boy told you the other day in the library, showing you the location in your work computer. “She always takes me here to buy my snacks.”

With that piece of information you think, what other time besides night time would Sae-byeok appear at this convenience store? So, after work it’s decided: you’d wait around all night to see if she shows face. It was risky and highly unlikely that you would see her after one day of loitering.

That’s why it took you three nights. You hung around at this convenience store from eight o’ clock till midnight, whipping your head whenever the doorbell rung and drooped back to stare at your phone when it wasn’t her. And every time, you brought the stained journal and the Heaven book.

On the third night, the doorbell rings and you barely look up to see who entered the shop. You had to double take when you saw the person wearing a familiar forrest green utility jacket and short raven hair. Sae-byeok casually strolls to the front desk. It was nerve wracking deciding wether to approach her or wait for her to notice your lonely presence by the seating area—her reaction could be of many. By the time you decided to go up to her, she already paid at the counter and turned around to head out. She freezes midway when she saw you.

It was hard to determine what she could be thinking. Her eyes boring into yours, lips pressed into a thin line, and jaw clenched. But the rest of her body seemed tense—nervous even.

You clear your raspy throat and say to her soft yet firmly, “Let’s talk, Sae-byeok.”

She finally blinks and looks away from you. “There’s nothing to say.”

Clutching onto her cigarette pack, she shoves them into the depths of her pocket and walks around you. You didn’t understand what she was so afraid of—you’re right here, no anger or fear in your voice.

“You have to know I’m just going to follow you until you let me talk to you.” you say matter-of-factly, ushering out the door and letting the cool summer breeze hit your cheeks.

“I can’t do this.” she says, her voice louder now that they’re on the streets. It was the same thing she said last time and you wonder what she truly means by it.

“But you can!”

You flinch. Sae-byeok crosses the busy walkway street, with both sides of the road filled with cars waiting for the light to turn green. You’ve been keen on avoiding crossing large walkways but you can see her tall lean body start getting smaller and smaller until she ends up on the other side of the road.

There wasn’t much time for you to think about your next moves, even with how hard your heart was hammering against your chest. Sae-byeok was getting away. You ball both your hands up into fists and force your shaky legs to cross.

By the time Sae-byeok had crossed the streets she heard two things: cars honking and a blood curling scream that came from you.

You didn’t know what to do, you were walking by so slow due to fright of the cars revving their engines all around you. By the time you made it to the center of the road, the light had already turned green and then the honking began.

Suddenly, you were back in that taxi car a few months ago with your head leaning against the backseat window and in a moments flash, you saw a car’s headlights aim for impact on your side.

You didn’t know what to do except collapse on the ground and cover your ears from the blasting horns bursting your eardrums. The whole time you tried bracing yourself for impact again, just like you did a few months ago. But the cars—they had to be taunting you, they couldn’t stop beeping and beeping. And all you could do was scream for help while you crouched helplessly on the ground.

Your shouting got louder when you felt something touch you, something calloused and warm. By the time you opened your eyes and realized Sae-byeok tried to carry you bridal style across the street you both collapsed on the sidewalk after she tripped on the ledge.

“Are you ladies okay?” and “Why didn’t you cross?” were heard in multiple variations by passerby’s once the two of you fell on the cemented floor. But neither of you cared enough to respond. Sae-byeok only cared about your well being and you were too busy reliving the horrors you experienced the day you got into that accident.

“It’s okay, it’s okay!” you heard a muffle voice say but you were terrified to remove your hands from your ears. What were once screams coming from your mouth was replaced with soft trembly cries. “You’re safe—I got you! You’re safe, please don’t be scared!”

You shook your heard, convinced that you were still in the middle of the street.

“Please—Please open your eyes and look at me, please!”

The fear started to subside when you felt gentle motions trace along your back and several kisses to your temples. By the time you started to slowly remove your shaky hands from your ears, it felt like light years have passed.

“That’s it. Now just open your eyes and you’ll see that I’m here and I swear I’m not leaving your side.” you hear Sae-byeok fully and clearly. You bat open your eyes, your eyelashes drenched with tears and you saw her. Sae-byeok’s eyes were also swimming in tears but she only cared to wipe yours away with the pads of her thumbs. “You’re safe and look—I made sure that you have your things.”

She grabs your book and journal that were sitting beside her from the sidewalk and placed them on your lap. You couldn’t comprehend what was going on yet, still catching your breath but she waited for you. It got better when she began to reach for your hands and rub them against hers, blowing into them to provide heat. When your eyesight became clearer after the tears and fear dwindling away by Sae-byeok’s gentleness. It was exactly what you needed.

Her hands were scraped and red after the fall, but she didn’t care.

“I’m…” you croak, your voice still unstable. “I’m…sorry.”

Sae-byeok pauses what she was doing and stares at you, her eyes drooping with melancholia. “No,” she breathes with her low and raspy voice. “you didn’t do anything wrong. Please believe me when I say that.”

You try to hold back more sobs but end up hiccuping instead. And all you had the ability to say was, “T—Take me home.”

She stood up first and reached both her hands out to you, helping you stand up. She lets one of her hands drop and the other one to remain holding yours as she leads you to your apartment—making sure you’re walking on the safe side of the sidewalk the entire time.

The whole walk home was excruciatingly embarrassing as you started to register what occurred to you and how many people saw. Including Sae-byeok. It was a huge moment of weakness in your end. Ever since the accident you can’t handle even standing close to cars let alone hear their loud honking noises on the bustling sides of town. And what just occurred was your biggest fear. Your stomach drops having to imagine what would’ve happened to you if Sae-byeok wasn’t there or hadn’t noticed.

Your tears were fully dry by the time you both made it to your apartment and you dart straight to your bedroom to collapse on the mattress. Although you felt much more relaxed, sometimes you felt your hands get shaky again.

Sae-byeok sat on the corner on the bed, quietly observing you which is something she’s a natural at. Now that the high intensity situation was over, she felt more insecure about being able to soothe you and console you with words. She hoped that at least her presence was helpful rather than a nuisance.

“Stay tonight.” you murmur. You could see her chest stop moving, she was holding her breath to your request. For a moment you thought she’d stand up to walk away but she just nodded. A small breath of air escapes your mouth, you think it’s a sigh of relief. “Thank you.” you whisper much quieter.

Sae-byeok remained in stand by, ready to move in lighting speed when you get back up from your bed. You sluggishly head to your drawer and pull out a stripped pajama set for her.

“I’m going to freshen up.” you mutter flatly. It was as if all of your emotions had been drained from your body, it worried her. “You can change in my room…I’ll have a toothbrush for you when I get out.”

Sae-byeok didn’t know what to say. It hurt seeing you so fragile and shaken up.

After the two of you got ready for bed, not saying another word to each other, Sae-byeok tried to figure out how to talk to you in a way that’ll ease your aching heart. Her luck of courage came when Sen started to crawl on top of her chest, making you chuckle softly at the sight.

“She’s cute.” Sae-byeok says, gently patting along the cat’s back.

You remained quiet which makes her anxious. Then you swallow thickly before speaking up after a long time of just pure stillness, “Promise me you’ll still be here by the time I wake up.”

She holds her breath to think. You still needed to talk to her about that kiss and what it meant. Maybe this’ll be the last time she’s going to lay on your bed, comforted by the warmth radiating off your body.

“Okay…” she says and lets Sen hop off her chest and onto the ground, her nails could be heard pattering against the floor. She was afraid to hear you out, but the anticipation of knowing was killing her. “I’m sorry I kissed you.” she says in rapid fire speed.

Again, you were quiet until she heard vibrations that sounded like chuckling. “It’s okay—it was just unexpected.”

“Yeah.” she gulps and lets both her hands rest on top of her stomach.

“Girlfriend.” you hum as if that was the most interesting word you heard.

“What?”

“You were my girlfriend, right?” you ask but didn’t hear a peep from her. “How long have we been dating for?”

Sae-byeok shuts her eyes and grinds her teeth. It was like you were taunting her. “Stop.”

“Weren’t you curious in the slightest when I brought your favorite book and a journal when I saw you at the convenience store?”

Her silence only made you more determined to tell her everything you found out. And you refuse to let what just occurred to you get in the way of telling her. You rise up from the bed and turn on your lamp, letting soft yellow lighting to intimately illuminate the room ever so slightly. Sae-byeok watched as you got up and picked up something from your desk and sat down on the mattress where you were previous laying on.

First, you flip through the pages of her favorite book and find a particular section that was bookmarked with a sticky tab “Look at this quote from your favorite book, ‘There are all kinds of things of things in the world I don't understand, but I really wanted to understand you.’…”

Sae-byeok has no idea where you’re going with this. She follows suit and also decides to sit up. “What are you trying to say?”

“Don’t run away, Sae-byeok.” you whisper, looking deep into her concerned eyes. “Let’s talk. I swear it’s better than running away from it.”

“What else is there to say—?”

“Technically, we never broke up. So, you’re still my girlfriend.”

“Thats not how it works.” she frowns. It if were only that easy—but the small smile creeping up your lips made her stomach do that weird thing that it has been doing ever since she met you. However, you were right, she can’t runaway from the sad truth anymore. It was time to say goodbye to you for good. “Okay…Let’s talk.”

You place the book beside you and sort through the torn and yellowed pages of your journal that looks like it belongs in ancient times. You stop midway through the pages and glance back at her. “Is your favorite color green?”

“Yeah?” she answers questioningly. “How did you know?”

“My mom tried to throw away everything containing you but I found my journal by the dumpster.”

“She never liked me.” she mutters so low that you didn’t hear her while you flipped to the last page of the journal.

“Most of the pages are stained or ripped but I found something interesting about you.” you explain. Your eyes gleam with adoration at whatever you were reading. “Here: ‘Sae-byeok reminds me of flowers like azaleas, wisterias, and lily of the valleys. What these flowers have in common is that they’re all poisonous yet so beautiful. More beautiful than flowers we can actually touch and that perfectly describes who she is as a person. A beautiful yet untouchable one. However, she allows me to hug her, caress her hair, and kiss her cheek from time to time because I think I gained a trust with her that is special. The more I got to know her the more I realized that my fondness for her transcends that of friendship and even romance…I don’t know what it is yet but I hope it’s love. I think I love, Sae-byeok’.”

Silence fills the room. She stares at you intently yet her face was beet red. What you said to her was an overwhelming profession of love that she never imagined anyone would say to her. She doesn’t think she deserves an ounce of what you wrote in that journal. But the way you’re staring at her with full admiration in your eyes is making her think otherwise.

“I told you about that list I make to help my memory.” you add with more fervor, smiling wider than before. “It’s all about poisonous flowers—I didn’t know at first why I chose that to memorize but now I do. My feelings for you never went away—not really.“

“I’m scared. I lost you once I don’t think I can lose you again.” she finally admits what she meant all along. Her ultimate fear—loss. Even if she wants nothing more than to be with you.

“I understand. But love always comes with sacrifices, doesn’t it?”

“I’m so sorry.” she whispers. “For everything—for running away. For being the reason you…” she couldn’t even finish by the guilt bubbling her stomach.

You press your forehead against hers and reach over to take on her hands to rub soothing circles around them. “It’s okay. I know you never meant to hurt me.”

When she didn’t respond verbally, you didn’t expect her to do so by softly pressing her lips against yours. Unlike the first time she kissed you, which was a mere second peck, this one was meant to be savored. The moment you kissed her back, she adjusted herself to hover over you—one hand trailing up your arm leaving goosebumps on its trail and the other holding the back of your head. Sae-byeok’s hands roamed all over you with ease, you couldn’t be surprised.

The kiss had so much familiarity. The movement of your mouths against each other felt routinely yet the fiery passion had never engulfed. When you both pull apart, you were laying in between your pillows and her on top staring heavily into your eyes. The feeling of her fingers touching the exposed skin on your waist made your stomach knot up.

“I promise I won’t hurt you anyone, okay?” she reassures you breathlessly. “I hope this means you’ll be my girlfriend again.”

“I’ll love to be your girlfriend—again.” you say with a soft laugh that she reciprocates before dipping down to kiss you one more time.

The morning started with clanging sounds coming outside your bedroom. After several failed attempts to open your eyes, you forced your tired body to cooperate with you when you saw Sae-byeok’s spot on the bed empty. The only trail she left was the imprint of her head on your pillow.

You walk to the kitchen and your heart swells with content seeing Sae-byeok. She kept her promise.

Currently your girlfriend was sitting crisscrossed on the floor in front of Sen’s bowl, pouring her food. You place a hand on her shoulder to not startle her too much and sit beside her on the ground, observing as Sen began to dive into her food bowl.

“Good morning.” Sae-byeok says, leaning to press a chaste kiss on your cheek. “I think I fed her the right amount. Hope you don’t mind.”

“You did it just right.” you yawn, leaning your head on her shoulder, still sleepy.

“Are you free all day?” she asks after.

“Unfortunately, I have to go in for work in about two hours.” you sigh exasperatedly. “Good thing you woke me up because I might’ve forgotten to turn on my alarm.”

“I’ll make breakfast now then.” she says and nudges you off your shoulder playfully. You let out a groan while grabs your hand to help you rise off the floor. Her hands remain holding yours however and her eyes were hesitantly searching yours like she was trying to look for any sign of discomfort. “Um…Do you want to go visit Cheol after work with me? I know you had a tough time last night so if you want to get rest I understand.”

“What? Of course, I want to go with you.” you say. “Just please pick me up.”

“Obviously.” she rolls her eyes and strides to the kitchen. “He missed you a lot by the way. He was asking me if you could be his friend again if it meant you’d be my girlfriend again.” she says coolly.

“Really?” you snort and lean on the counter to observe her as she began prepping the stove. Instinctively, you reach over to move a stray hair that fell above her eyes. This gesture alone made the tips of her ears red which she tries masking with her pokerface expression. She amuses you so much. You could get used to this very well.

“Really.” she repeats softly, a subtle smile setting on her lips.

This quiet morning with you is something she hopes to see for a very long time. Although, she may not have a lot of things to give—she promises to herself that she will provide you with all the care and love in the world now that she has you back in her arms. But she’ll never tell you that out loud, of course.

──・──・・✿ ・・──・──

(winter, 2021)

It is one of those rare occasions where Sae-byeok takes Cheol to visit you at your apartment. Usually, the three of you spend time in the library, cafe, or the children’s home. But rarely ever in your place—she thought it was still too early in your relationship to make a big commitment like that. It was your apartment, it’s personal. And by bringing Cheol to your personal abode it meant that Sae-byeok was seriously committing herself to you.

You two have only been dating since August. And throughout these past months of being with you, it brought her nothing but peace and happiness. She didn’t have to be anyone but herself around you and vise versa. You both understood each other from the get-go. She never thought she was able to be vulnerable to anyone like this before.

When the Kang siblings walk up the stairs to your apartment floor, Cheol practically couldn’t stand still from the excitement of seeing you and your home. Sae-byeok had to hold back laughing at him as she knocked on your door.

“Noona!” Cheol beams once the door opened, expecting you to appear right after he spoke.

Sae-byeok gets an unsettling feeling when the door revealed no one at first. She tells her brother to quiet down, making him pout.

When an older woman who has striking facial similarities to you appeared instead, her heart rate began to increase slowly but surely. This must’ve been your mother—was this some sort of family gathering that she wasn’t aware of?

However, when your mom opens the door wider, her hand was placed on her hip and she frantically look between Sae-byeok and Cheol. Worry was covering all of her features.

“Are you, Sae-byeok?” she says, almost demandingly but her eyes couldn’t look anything but stressed. Sae-byeok nods and is unable to open her mouth up to speak. “Who’s this?”

When she doesn’t respond Cheol steps in and bows. “I’m Cheol. She’s my sister.”

“I see.” your mom says, raising a skeptical brow. “Sae-byeok, can I speak to you for a moment—alone. Come in both of you, of course.”

Something was very off putting about all of this but it doesn’t look like they have a choice but to enter the apartment. Besides all of your belongings still here, yet there was no signs of you anywhere.

While Cheol sat on the living room couch with a book to keep him busy, your mom pulled Sae-byeok to the kitchen.

“She got into a car accident last week.” she says, her voice quiet but loud enough for Sae-byeok to hear the tremble in her voice.

The world felt like it collapsed in on her with this news. Sae-byeok didn’t want to show any signs of fear that she was feeling and gripped onto the edge of your kitchen counter to hold herself together. This wasn’t happening. Not to you—this isn’t true…

“She’s—alright.” your mom says hesitantly and runs her hands through her unruly hair. “But the doctor said she has some sort of amnesia from the accident—and we still aren’t sure how many memories she’s lost but the doctor is positive she lost at least a year’s worth of memories. Hopefully, not any more but she’s still has so much head trauma to determine.”

Your mom started to become blurry in Sae-byeok’s vision. It’s been awhile since she’s cried—especially in front of someone. If you lost a years worth of memories that must mean—

“Just forget about her, okay?” your mom declares softly. Clearly she was trying to sound more stern but her weariness made it sound like a tired plead. “She forgot about you…and it’s best if she recovers without your presence. It’ll just make it harder for her to heal. So, please, don’t come back and don’t go looking for her. For her sake.”

When Sae-byeok and Cheol stood outside your apartment with the news of your tragic accident, there was nothing left to say.

Cheol couldn’t help but glance up, concerned by his sister’s behavior. She’s always been quiet but this type of quiet is scary. Her facial muscles kept twitching due to holding back any signs of sadness and worry. She didn’t want to say it but she was trying not to feel anything right now.

You forgot about her? Just like that? Sae-byeok is upset, at you, at the world—at everyone. She doesn’t understand how you broke her heart so silently yet so harshly.

“Noona,” Cheol finally speaks up, a little fear in his voice for her reaction. “is she okay?”

Sae-byeok doesn’t say anything, making him puzzle up a story.

Now, Sae-byeok has to decisions to make: take a lifetime to get over you or secretly watch over you if you decide to continue to live your life without her in it. So, what will it be?

CHIHIRO

PART FOUR

kang sae-byeok x fem!reader

synopsis: things get more complicated once the real truth unravels.

wc. 2.9k

warnings: hints mentioning violence, angst, fluff, comfort

(chihiro masterlist)

(summer, 2021)

The best way to wake up was to the sound of no alarms and do it by your own terms. You didn’t wake up until the light finally disturbed you, but even the. you took your time to open them up.

Confused when you woke up, you felt something weigh you down.

When you look to you side, you her appearing so peaceful your heart swells. Her were cheeks propped up over your shoulders and one of her arms lazily draped over your middle, breathing slow and steadily. You aren’t sure how special your bond was with Sae-byeok in the past to have her holding you like this, but it is something unique. And you think you can get used to this. A lot of this.

But now that you’re fully conscious, your muscles were starting to strain from laying in the position you woke up in. You were afraid to wake her up. Inch by inch, you shuffle out of the bed and got startled when she begins to shuffle. She tosses her body around and ends up curling into a fetal position in the spot you slept.

“Hungry, Sen?” you whisper to your cat when you make your way to the kitchen with her trailing leisurely behind you.

You crouch in front of her bowl and scoop her food inside it. Your mind starts to get cloudy again when you kept staring at Sen eat. Wincing at the incoming headache, you press your hand to your forehead and decide to make breakfast before taking your medications.

One hour passed before you heard a door open at the end of the hall. After breakfast you decide to get in your daily reading before heading to work later, so you sit crisscross at the end of the couch and anticipate Sae-byeok to emerge.

“Hi.” she says her voice octaves lower and hoarse. Her hair was more sprawled out and her cheeks had a faint tint to them—she looked at home here. She yawns whilst dragging her feet to sit with you beside the couch, obviously still not fully awake.

“Hi.” you greet softly and peer back at your book to hide the evident blush on your cheeks. Maybe seeing her move about in your apartment felt so intimate, it’s as if she’s lived here all this time. “I made you breakfast—it’s in the microwave so just reheat it.”

Sae-byeok nods. She peers over at the book cover in your hand and lets out a forlorn sigh. Could it have been that you read this book before? You’ll never be brave enough to ask. “I slept well.” she mumbles.

“Yeah, I know.” you smile, remembering how close she was holding you when you woke.

Although she didn’t react, her silence said a lot. You lower your book and observe how her eyes danced around like she was thinking back of a distant memory. She broke out of the trance when Sen emerges and starts nestling her head against Sae-byeok’s legs which startles her at first. She relaxes into the cat’s touch and bends down to carefully massage her head with her finger.

“You always wanted a cat.” she confesses, still scratching Sen’s head.

“Yeah.” you croak out and decide to shut your book. You couldn’t concentrate anymore anyway.

Sae-byeok could sense your sudden shift in tone and looks up to check your features. “Look,” she starts off with a sigh. She adjust herself in the couch so she’s fully facing you and licks her chapped lips before continuing, “I know this is all weird but I still want you in my life. Could we maybe—take it slow? So, friends?”

The tension in the air died once she extended her hand over to you. You couldn’t help but laugh at how serious she looked and swat her hand down. She stares at you morbidly.

“This isn’t a business conference.” you say with laughter and reach over to throw your arms over her shoulders to bring her to an embrace. It was an electrifying feeling when her arms securely wrapped around your waist. “Can I be honest with you?” you murmur through her hair. You feel her nod. “I’m already comfortable with you—like very comfortable.” you chuckle.

Sae-byeok starts letting go of you and stares at you with her sharp unreadable gaze. Your breathing began to relax when she reached over to adjust strands of your hair. “I was so lonely without you.” she confesses intimately. “I also feel comfortable. With you.”

She lets her hands rest on the sides of your head longer than what you think is normal. You both shared a look of knowing—that this moment wasn’t just a heartfelt confession. It was something more vulnerable and clandestine, but you don’t know how to act upon it.

Sae-byeok started to notice the sudden shift in the air and swiftly placed her hands on her lap.

“By the way,” she starts off, scratching the back of her neck. “I might have to go away for a week or two. Work stuff.”

You had to clear your throat to divert your mind from that strange, intimate moment. “I’m assuming it’s something I shouldn’t know about.”

“But you want to know…” she sighs.

“Just naturally curious.” you grumble.

She searches your eyes and sighs in defeat. “I’ll tell you when I come back. Deal?”

“Fine—deal.”

“But do you work later?” she asks and you hum yes. “Maybe we can hang out before you head to work. The cafe you like?”

“Yeah—I start in about three hours so I guess we should start getting ready now so we don’t rush.” you suggest. “You should eat your breakfast now then.”

“I’m going to wash up first.” Sae-byeok says with a lazy stretch. “I’ll be back quick.”

“Okay—“

You didn’t expect to get cut off by a quick peck in the mouth, almost like it was a routine. Sae-byeok still hadn’t realized what she’s done until she fully pulled away—then the color completely drained from her face. Her face was still so close to yours but you saw her eyes shine with regret.

Now, everything just got more confusing and complicated in a blink of an eye.

You didn’t know how to feel. All mixture of emotions kept spinning around your mind. “Sae-byeok…what was that?” you breathe, your voice unsteady.

“I—I’m sorry I—”she cuts herself off and starts scrambling off the couch, making Sen leap off and curiously follow her to the bathroom.

Although you stood up, you couldn’t move your legs from the shock. Sae-byeok kissed you. She kissed you like it was the most normal thing.

Her loud thudding footsteps erupt off the walls of your apartment. She threw on the clothes she had on from the before that were still not dry over her shoulders. You narrow her eyes at her. Was she really leaving after that?

When you reach over to touch her arm she flinches back and walks around you, avoiding all eye contact. Your mouth was gaped open in the utter disbelief. “Where are you going? We need to—“

“I can’t do this.” she whimpers and storms off without any further explanation. You could’ve sworn you saw her eyes gloss over.

“Why did I say it like that?” you groan when it’s just you. And Sen—who sat by the door like she was in waiting.

But seriously, what was that?

You and Sae-byeok’s relationship might’ve been a lot more intimate than you originally thought. No wonder the air felt so stuffy when she had you close. But it leaves you even more conflicted than before. It meant that you broke her heart in more ways than one.

It was hard to concentrate at work when all you thought about was that one second of your life. When she kissed you, it happened so quick but the more you kept thinking about it you could feel her phantom lips still on yours.

But you don’t know where to place your feelings with her. Yes, it was easy to feel comfortable around her but did you actually like in that way? It’s ironic, but the only way you could get your answers if not from Sae-byeok is by you yourself. When was the moment you knew you liked girls?

In the middle of arranging the shelves a moment of epiphany dawns upon your face. Without realizing let out a huge gasp, disturbing some of the people sitting beside you.

Your mom must know. It all adds up—the moment you first mentioned Sae-byeok she told you to stay away and she purposely threw away things in your room that must’ve been in connections with Sae-byeok.

“Hey!” a snap of the fingers break you from your deep thinking. You blink rapidly at Dasom. “Here’s your sunglasses.” she presses a pair of Chanel sunglasses with large frames up to your chest. “And could you stop daydreaming, I need to get out on time tonight.” she asks irritably before storming off. You roll your eyes and let the glasses cling over the neckline of your shirt.

You forgot you’re getting out late today. Although, you have to confront your mom—you’re worried about Sae-byeok. What if she’s actually planning on not seeing you anymore. The last thing she said to you gives you frightening chills. She’s still an air of mystery to you.

Right after work, not caring about how late it was, you took the subway to your parents house with a goal in mind.

You knock on the door to your family home. “Sweetie!” you mom beams when she opens the door. “I didn’t think you’d visit me this week after—you know.”

You huff a stress inducing air. How the hell are you going to explain this all to your mom without it being awkward? You slip off your shoes by the door and flop down on her couch.

“What’s going on? Another migraine again? Or a fever?” she asks and sits behind you, pressing the back of her hand to your forehead.

“Mom,” you begin to say carefully. She hums in curiosity. “why did you want me to stay away from, Sae-byeok?”

Her face turns stone cold for a moment before hardening. “Did she—meet up with you?” You don’t reply instead to stare ahead at the blank television screen, letting her confess by herself. “What did she tell you?”

“Not much but…”

“But?”

“Did we—are we in a—?”

“Stop.” she winces and removes her reading glasses to rub the sides of her temples. “Sweetie, let me tell you this like I told you before. I—I know you’re an adult fully able to make your own decisions and I can’t make you choose who you like so—I support it.”

“It?” you snort.

“You know what I mean.” she frowns. “But just not her. Did she tell you about what she does for a living?” your silence makes her scoff. “She’s a criminal! She pickpockets for a living and god knows what else. You shouldn’t be around people like that.”

“She’s just a girl, mom.” you mutter. Arguing with your mother about relationships like this makes you sound like a child. It made your cheeks red in embarrassment. But you know you’re right—Sae-byeok isn’t a bad person.

“She hasn’t been a girl for a long time. That’s the life of defectors to you.”

Your mind instantly goes to think about Cheol and you shake your head. “No, mom—if you actually meet—“

“Stay away from her. Whatever you do. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if you ever get caught up in her crimes.” she cries and starts soothing the back of your head.

“But should I at least know what kind of history I had with her…What did you do with that basket in my room? I know it had something you didn’t want me to see. Along with some of my picture frames—they were of Sae-byeok weren’t they?”

Your mom presses her lips into a thin line, staring pokerface at you.

“Tell me mom.” you say sternly. “I’ll find out sooner than later and I’d rather have you tell me than me finding out.”

“…Yes.” she breathes and your heart drops. “The—The picture frames were thrown out long ago but…yesterday I found that basket and—“ she couldn’t even finish the rest of her sentence with the guilt brewing up in her stomach by the tormented look in your face.

You rub your face in distress. Sae-byeok wasn’t that, you know it. Even after forgetting about her, she still did her best to watch over you and let herself silently hurt in silence.

While you kept thinking to yourself about the woven basket, it dawns on you something. If your mom threw out your things only yesterday that means—

“Oh my god.” you gape, slowly removing your hand off of your face.

“What? What, sweetie—what? Where are you going?”

You almost land on your back when you rushed to throw on your shoes again. “I have to go.” you frantically say and slam the door behind you shut.

If what you think is correct then you’ll finally gain some clarity. But will Sae-byeok ever come back to talk to you about the truth?

──・──・・✿ ・・──・──

(summer, 2020)

There is a million things Sae-byeok would rather be doing tonight than having to aid your bruised eye.

When the two of you entered your apartment, your face was in a dazed state—as if your mind was stuck in daydream mode. Sae-byeok is to blame for that, for everything that happened to you tonight. That’s the only reason she’s here with you, she owes you.

The kitchen lighting in your apartment was dim, the fluorescent lights flickering above every so often. She ties her short hair back into a ponytail, brushes off the loose strands off of her face and rolls up her sleeves. Because you were still too in shock to talk, she had to open several kitchen counters to find the first aid kit. Dragging two chairs by the kitchen counter, she pulls you forcibly to sit on one of them and she sits on the other.

You finally say something—it was a soft cry. Sae-byeok started sterilizing your soft hands which were now bloody and scratched. She stops herself from showing any signs of worry by furrowing her eyebrows in concentration. After wiping off your hands she activates the cold pack in the kit, waits for it to start cooling and starts rubbing ointment on any other burn marks in your upper arm.

She has to bite her lower lip while her hands were running down your arms. There was a lot she was feeling at the moment. Frustration, worry, and something else. Ever since you gave her that book—she never was able to breathe properly whenever you popped into her head.

While you kept suppressing sounds of pain, she wishes there was something she could do to ease it.

You were nothing like her. Unlike her, you had a clear future ahead and a quiet stable life. And she hates herself for bringing you into her world—because her world hurt you.

“Why did you do that?” Sae-byeok says, almost inaudibly. She wipes her hands from any ointment and refuses to look at you in the eye—it was too much of a painful sight.

She couldn’t believe she was feeling so strongly about this. Yes, she owes you but why did she have to add feelings into the mix. Why is her stomach twisting into knots and why is her heart beating so rapidly like she was in danger?

“Did you want me to just stop and stare as that guy beat on you?” you grimace lowly.

Sae-byeok gulps. You were smart, probably smart in every aspect. Sometimes when she’s laying in bed with nothing but her thoughts, she wishes you could talk to her about anything and everything. You always find ways to make any topic sound like the most interesting thing.

She doesn’t respond to you, she can’t. Not when the guilt was swallowing her whole.

When the cold pack was finally cold enough she had to brace herself to look at you. Bruised eye and cut lip. She owes you so much.

“What?” you ask, mortified that she just stared at your face. “Is it that bad?”

Sae-byeok shakes her head no while gently wiping the dry blood on your lips before ultimately choosing to close the gap between you, kissing you softly and briefly. After she breaks off the kiss, she cautiously presses the ice pack to your bruised eye and you whimper due to the cold sensation. Her heart was hammering in her chest. For the first time, you had an unreadable face and she didn’t.

“What was that about?” you ask her robotically, your good eye staring down at your lap. However, you were clearly flustered by the pink hues showing in your cheeks.

“I don’t know.” she confesses quietly.

The air was now suffocating and it didn’t help that you had no sort of reaction.

“I knew you liked me.” you murmur finally, a small sad smile slowly appearing in your lips.

Sae-byeok lets out a shaky breath. “Probably—I don’t know.”

You grab the cold pack in her hand and toss it to the side. Sae-byeok watches you do this, perplexed. But what confuses her even more was when you pressed the non-bruised side of your face against the crook of her neck, not saying a word. She remains still, not sure where to start comforting you or if being still like this was enough for you. But she just knows that this is something she could get used to feeling.

i apologize sarkob

CHIHIRO

PART THREE

kang sae-byeok x fem!reader

synopsis: you’re tired of being kept in the dark about your lost memories and finally, you’re getting some form of answers.

wc. 5.2k

warnings: bullying, cigarette use | authors note: this is not proof read so you already know what to do. also this is a mini series so it’s more fast paced than my previous fic hint hint.

(chihiro masterlist)

(summer, 2021)

It was only a year. You only lost over a year worth of your life but you couldn’t help but feel like your entire identity has been stripped away. Who are you anymore?

You’re a librarian who likes to help people—that was always the goal. But the doubts looming your head is making you question if you’re even cut out to be one anymore. You used to have a sharp mind and were able to think on your feet, but things changed. It’s only a matter of time before your boss grows tired of your incompetence around here before laying you off. Dasom is already putting in most of the work for you and boasts about it.

You were currently sitting in your desk, your elbow propped on the table with your chin resting on your palm just jotting down lists. Cheol sat across from you, reading silently and often would gasp at whatever caught his attention in his book. Ever since summer started, he’s been coming here more often as an escape surely. He told you about his life in the orphanage, how he feels ostracized from his peers because of his North Korean status. But no one judges him here. He reminds you of a little you in that sense—the need to find an escape.

At some point, his little eyes began to strain from all the reading, so he exhales and puts down his book. Then he noticed how you kept writing down the same words: Azalea, fox glove, oleander, wisteria, lily of the valley, belladonna, and hemlock. Over and over again.

“Noona, why are you writing these words so much?” he asks curiously, pointing at all the words.

“It helps me with my memory.” you answer simply while continuing to write.

“Oh…” he trails off. He open and closes his mouth like he was being extra cautious trying to find the right thing to say. “W…What happened?”

You pause writing midway and look at him. Not even talking about it to Cheol makes it any easier for you. “I got into an accident and it made me lose some of my memories.“ you explain. You can’t even force a smile for him.

He purses his lips, places his hands on top of the table and starts fiddling with the edges of his book. “Will they come back?” he says in a more timid tone.

“Mmm,” you hum. It was hard to prevent your stomach from churning. “the doctor said it’s unlikely. So, probably not—but it’s okay.”

“It’s okay?”

“Yeah, now it means I get to cherish life even more.” you say. But you know you can’t live up to those words so easily.

“You’re always so optim…optimistic.” he corrects and smiles proudly at himself.

You snort at the triumphant look on his face and reach over to ruffle his hair. “You’re so smart, Cheol. Where do you get it from?”

He shrugs. “I dunno. Probably my mom.”

Your breath hitches. It’s so easy to forget that such a lively and driven boy like Cheol comes from a rough background. At least it’s comforting to know he has his sister. Speaking of—

“Speaking of family,” you start off, slightly nervous. “is your sister okay? I haven’t seen her in the library recently.”

“She’s always busy. She saw me only one time last week but…she looked tired. I mean—well, she always does, I guess. But when I saw her she looked more tired than normal.” he rambles.

You were unaware of the pink tint forming on your cheeks when you thought back about Sae-byeok. Since the incident back in June, she hasn’t been showing face in the library anymore and her return books are way overdue. Now it’s beginning of July and still, the only fragments of information you could get is from Cheol who is also being kept in the dark.

It’s hard to get that day out of your head. She was so gentle and soft spoken, it was only natural for you to suspect that you knew her before you lost your memories. Someone as isolated and guarded as her would never do that for anyone she just met. But when you confronted her, she just left. She iced you out and you don’t know what do to. Go look for her? But where? She’s an enigma—she could be anywhere.

And you thought about asking Cheol. Maybe he knew you too and is pretending just like she is but you don’t want to drag him into your mess. So, for now, you’ll have to play out the life the Kang siblings had in mind for you.

“Well, make her proud by finishing this book.” you tell him with a little more enthusiasm.

He straightens his posture and opens up his book again, looking determined. “I will.”

You saw her everywhere and for a reason. But the reason remains unclear.

The best part of working the morning shift is getting to leave before the sun sets. When Cheol is long gone and you completed your task for the day, you stuff your current read into your bag and get ready to walk home.

When you shut your locker and whirled around, two hands pressed against your chest slamming the back of your body against the hard metal lockers. You wince at the harsh impact and open your eyes to be greeted by Dasom’s frightening eyes that kept darkening by the second.

“You told her.” she growls lowly, her eyes narrowing when you tried pushing her off. But her grip only got tighter. “What did I tell you about telling your friend, huh?”

“I didn’t tell her anything.” you huff, still grasping onto her wrist to try and push her off. “Aren’t you a little too old to be doing all this?”

“She fucking threatened me again.” she says, ignoring what you said. “Tell her that whatever proof she has on us to turn it back in or—or you might as well pack your things right now.”

“Proof?” you query and for a moment, her eyes widen. There are rumors circling around about Dasom’s family committing charity fraud and phishing. It would explain why the library isn’t getting as much resources as they’re supposed to. But how would Sae-byeok even find out about this? “Let me go, Dasom and I’ll think about forgetting what you just exposed to me.” you grit through your teeth.

Her nostrils flare up and exhales through them. She slowly starts unraveling her fingers from gripping onto your top. You watch her carefully when she walks backwards.

“And you owe me a pair of sunglasses.” you snip and march out of the breakroom.

──・──・・✿ ・・──・──

The sound of water rushing out of a spout could be heard as you unlocked the door to your apartment. That could only mean one thing, your mom somehow found a way to get into your apartment.

“Mom, are you serious?” you whine, seeing her wipe down the kitchen counter with a wet cloth. The second you step inside, your cat appeared from under the couch and nestled around your foot. “I thought I changed the pin code.” you murmur so she wouldn’t hear.

“I don’t get why you adopted a cat, honey…” she places her hands on her hips and sighs at the cat caressing you.

Is there ever a time she’s ever approved of your living conditions? You remember how often she invited herself into your apartment and ‘fixed’ your place. But you just use that as an excuse for her not to be alone in the house.

“Look at you right now—how can you take care of a cat when you look so tired. Did you take your medications?”

“Yes.” you whine and start inspecting every nook and cranny of your kitchen and see how much she’s flipped around. “Did you organize my cupboards?”

“And cleaned that poor kitten’s litter box.” she adds.

“I was going to do that today.” you grumble and roll your eyes.

You’re too tired to verbally complain further so you just make your way over to your bedroom. Your cat, which you named Sen, follows you inside—clearly not fond of your mom. She hops on the bed and observes you curiously.

You put toss bag aside and start examining your room. Your mom came in and made your bed, folded your laundry and arranged your bookshelf however you feel like something is missing. Particularly with the bookshelf, it feels like something is missing.

A basket. There was a basket on top of the shelf and it’s not there anymore. You furrow your eyebrows in concentration, trying to remember if you had anything valuable but nothing comes up. Maybe you’re being paranoid.

Sen, bored of sitting on your mattress, leaps to your study desk and starts dusting the table with her tail unknowingly. But there was a particular spot on the table that you could’ve sworn had a picture frame before your accident. And when Sen walks past it, the spot was empty.

Your breathing stops and you slip out the room to find your mom. This was no coincidence. But you couldn’t outright confront her, you know her too well. So, you take a deep breath so you wouldn’t talk irrationally.

“Mom…” you say carefully and lean back on the kitchen counter.

“Yes?” she says, too focused on wiping off bread crumbs to see the visible distress in your eyes.

“Did I get close to anyone last year? Did I make a friend maybe?”

“Not that I recall.” she says. You know it’s a lie, you just know it. “Why?”

“I just have this gut feeling—“

“You and your gut feelings.” she signs in disappointment. Still, she isn’t daring to look up at you like she was concealing something. “Trust your brain—knowledge will get you far.”

“I know it’s just—“

“Knowledge.” she says sternly. “How’s your arm doing?”

“Better. Fully functional.” you grumble.

Her habit of steering the topic is a clear indication to something. You just want to know why she did it and what you lost.

She puts away the cloth and reaches over to pinch your cheeks. “I’m so happy you’re doing good for yourself.”

You bite your lower lip, contemplating if you should really go there with her. It’ll not be an easy conversation—it might go messy but you can’t live in the dark anymore. It’s driving you insane.

“Mom.” you say leisurely and trail behind her like Sen was to you. When she sits down on the couch you stand in front of her to block the television screen. “I know you hid something from me while I was staying at home.”

Her forehead puckers with visible wrinkles. “I’m sorry sweetie I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What are you hiding from me?”

“Nothing—“

This was becoming more frustrating. She’s just too difficult—and you’re starting to become desperate. Not knowing anything is killing you. First, with Sae-byeok now your own mother. “I deserve the right to know it’s my life and you can’t just meddle with it!” you cry.

“Don’t talk to your mother that way.” she warns, her shoulders tensing up.

“I’m so confused about everything and you’re just making it worse by trying to scrape the evidence of my life I—I feel so lost!”

She gets up from the couch to cup your cheeks to prevent you from pacing back and forth as you began to ramble off. “You’re not lost sweetie I’m right here.” she assures you softly.

“I am! I’m so fucking lost—!”

“Language.”

You scoff and drop her hands. “I don’t even know the way to my own home anymore! And you’re making it worse by coming in and rearranging everything!”

Her worried expression turns into one filled with pain. You know she cares, but it’s the way she goes about it that makes you so upset. “I’m—I’m sorry.“ she mutters.

You swallow back the urge to cry. Now was not the time, you need to relax. “…I’m just so frustrated all the time. I feel like I’ve am getting kept in the dark I just…”

“Do you want to know? Do you really want to?” she snips and sits down to run her fingers through her hair. Your intense silence and crossed arms was her response. “I thought that—I assumed that you would be better off if you didn’t know about the memories you lost. So, I got rid of anything that might’ve been from last year—“

“Mom!” you gape in disbelief.

“I thought that if you knew it would only make you more frustrated! I know I failed to protect you but this is just—this isn’t in any parenting books! I did it to give you an easier time adjusting to your new life!”

You couldn’t take it anymore. Your mom, your belongings gone, and the fucking headache that was starting. In perfect timing, you could feel Sen’s body weight on top of your feet. You bend down to scoop her up and once you did she couldn’t stop staring at your mother, who has guilt written all over her face.

You grab one of the cat’s paw and point them at your mom. “Sen says you have to go.” you murmur, frowning.

“Sen? Who’s, Sen?” she scoffs.

“Bye, mom.” you say and wave goodbye using Sen’s paw.

“Sweetie, don’t be mad at me you know I did it with good intentions.” she explains in a rush while you’re luring her to the door.

“Bye, mom.” you say with more clarity and shut the door once she stood on the other side. Sen mewls like she was sighing relief.

You love your mom but she’s like candy—they’re sweet but you can only have so much until you get a horrible tummy ache. Besides, she’s going to come back to your apartment and starting changing things around, pretending like nothing happened. It’s always been like this with her.

For the rest of the afternoon, you cocoon yourself in your bedroom with the curtains drawn shut and the lights turned off. It was a dungeon. The funny thing was, you loved the sunlight and you loved the way it entered your room and gave it more life. It’s funny how much things change.

While Sen was napping beside your legs, you binge watch a television show on your laptop and for some reason you start wondering if you ever watched this show before losing your memory of it. You haven’t stopped thinking about the ‘what ifs’ ever since a certain cold girl came into your life…again?

At some point during the night, you hear rain splatters hit your windows. When the sound of thunder erupted, your cat startled itself. She hops off your bed and crawls underneath it to shield itself from the threat of the thunderstorm. You’re surprised it’s raining so hard on one of the most dry and hot climates of the year.

Whenever there is a commercial break on the show your eyes couldn’t help but drift up to your bookshelf and stare at the missing basket. You swear there was one—a woven basket. If only your mind could tell you what was in them.

At some point during the show, your eyelids were starting to get heavy and your breathing was slowing down. You lazily shut your laptop and toss it to the side, calling it a night.

After adjusting your pillows, Sen appears from underneath the bed and leaps back on top.

“Ow!” you wince when she jumps on your chest, knocking the air out your lungs. Sen began hissing at the door and shielding herself beside you, like a trespasser was on the other side. You study at her odd behavior and wonder if she was seeing ghosts but when she stops hissing you could hear it. Several gentle knocks on the door—so faint that you and Sen might be imaging it. “Stay here.” you warn her and she blinks in response.

You groan as you go off the bed and stretch, not feeling a sense of urgency because you don’t think someone could be outside. It definitely wasn’t your mom, she hates going out in the rain—and she’s the only person you can think of.

When you open the door, your heart lurches. Sae-byeok is standing there, drenched from head to toe. Her wet strands of hair stuck to her forehead and sides of her face—her equally as wet clothes were clinging to the curves of her body. And the whites of her eyes were red with her lower lip trembling profusely—from the harsh weather outside and something more internal and sacred.

“You were the best friend I lost.” she confesses to you quietly. She sounds so terrified and vulnerable, it scares you. “And I miss you…so much.”

It was like a punch to the gut. Sae-byeok lost you—and after all this time, in her own way, she was still looking out for you. And you had the audacity to think she had malevolent intentions at some point.

But you don’t know what to do or say. So, she continues breathing heavily as you stare at her like she was a puzzle you were trying to solve. When you saw her shivering you snap out of it—out of the brain fog.

You open the door further, signaling for her to enter inside. It took her a moment to do so because she couldn’t stop staring at you in shock. You could only nod. She hesitates at first but she does shuffle inside like a wounded animal and stands awkwardly to the side.

She mumbles an apology when her clothes began dripping rain water on the floor causing a small pool to form. You scurry to your room and rummage through your drawer, once you find your comfiest sweater and sweatpants you toss them over your shoulders then head back to her.

There was no hesitation when she took the clothes you offered, maybe the cold and the discomfort of her wet clothes were too unbearable. You watch the way she heads to your bathroom, not needing any sort of direction and it makes your stomach feel uneasy again.

This is hard. No one prepares you for a situation like this. Losing someone you technically never lost. The silence was deafening and the only thing you could do was silently stare at the kettle pot brewing for a hot cup of tea.

By the time Sae-byeok comes back changed into your clothes, you have her tea and a banana muffin for her. It was easy to guide her around wherever you wanted, she was like putty in your hands.

She sits down on your couch with the tea and muffin. Slowly but surely, she starts eating.

Like she could sense the tension, Sen reveals herself and casually strolls past Sae-byeok to leap into your lap. Sae-byeok’s once frightened eyes twinkle in curiosity ever so slightly. “What’s its name?” she whispers lowly.

“She’s, Sen.” you reply, rubbing underneath her chin and she mewls in satisfaction.

“Sen…” she trails off and exhales an airy short lived laugh.

Timidly, you observe her. Her cheeks were as pink as ever from enduring the cold heavy rain and her long lanky fingers still were shaky. When she notices your staring, she looks up and you see her eyes still sparkling with tears.

Blush crept up your neck and you have to clear your throat to speak. “The rain is only getting worse…Do you maybe want to stay the night?” you suggest cautiously.

She blows out an air of disbelief. “You don’t have to be nice to me just because I said all that stuff.” she croaks out, still a slight tremble in her voice.

“I’m being genuine.” you say with more fervor.

“Technically I’m a stranger.” she says casually and takes another sip of tea.

“No.”

“No?” she repeats in shock.

All the words start forming and a surge of confidence emerges. “You’re my best friend.”

“But…”

Another thunder roars through the walls of your apartment, scaring off Sen as she sprints to your room to seclude herself. Now, it was really only you and Sae-byeok, alone. “As long as you have your memories of us, our friendship is still alive.” you reply weakly after a long pause.

She looks at you, face blank and quickly goes back to sipping her drink. Clearly, she has a lot to say but can’t find it in herself to do so.

“Or not…” you murmur when she doesn’t reply.

“I really did miss you though.” she shyly reassures you a little more louder. “I guess I came here to check up on you.”

“Almost a month later?” you query, ignoring the rapid pace in which your heart is beating.

Sae-byeok swirls around the mug and stares at the whirling content. “What I do to survive isn’t pretty. I get wrapped up in a lot of—things. You shouldn’t be a part of that.”

“Like threatening, Dasom?” you ask, a small smile on your lips. Her eyes grow wide for a split second while continuing to stare at the cup before gulping back her nervousness. “Don’t worry. I’m not mad.”

Her eyes flutter up to gaze out the window which was completely glossed over with thick droplets. She sniffs and places the now empty mug on the floor. “Maybe I could…stay?” she suggests.

“Good.” you smile.

“I’ll sleep here.” she pats on the couch cushion and you let out a wince soon after. “What?”

You scratch the back of your head nervously. “I don’t think that’s the best idea…”

“Why not?”

“Uh.” you start off with an anxious chuckle. “Well, to be fair Sen wasn’t a hundred percent potty trained until recently—“

“Gross.” she crinkles her nose and places her hands on top of her lap instead. “I should go then—“

“You will sleep in my bed—my mind is made up.” you say calmly and reach over to grab the empty cup and take the muffin wrapper from her hands. Her mouth parts open slightly.

After taking ten whole minutes to convince Sae-byeok to rest in your bed, she finally was too worn out to object further. When she shuffles her tired legs to your room, you bring your two blankets and pillow to the couch.

“You’re disgusting by the way.” you quietly scold Sen, who is lying by the windowsill now that the rain has calmed down.

You place the larger blanket on top of the sofa as a comforter and start getting comfortable. As comfortable as a couch can be…

You tried to position your laying body in several different ways but none of them were comfortable enough, this couch just wasn’t made to get a full nights rest on. Or maybe your mind is too restless.

She’s your best friend and she misses you…a lot according to her. Your stomach flutters at the idea of chipping away at Sae-byeok’s icy nature. You wonder how close and comfortable you guys were—did you guys often sleep on the same bed or was that too intimate? You don’t think it’s that intimate, you used to share the same bed with your college friends all the time. But maybe with Sae-byeok it’s different. Even the tiniest gestures has a different layer of intimacy with her.

“Stop it.” you groan when Sen starts kneading her paws on the end of your blanket, tickling your feet in the process. “You restless cat.” you huff.

It’s unclear how long you’ve been awake just staring around the dark living room with nothing but a sleepless cat and your thoughts. You wonder if she dozed off by now.

You rub your tired eyes and decide to head to the bathroom to wash your face, hoping it’ll clear your mind. The cool water splashing your face definitely relaxed the blush that never seemed to go away the moment she came to your apartment. After drying your face you step out the bathroom and freeze up when you hear your bedroom door creak open.

“Can’t sleep either?” you sigh.

Sae-byeok emerges from your room, her hair more tousled and puffy after letting it dry. Her eye bags were also more prominent underneath the faint lighting illuminating the hallway. She gives you a weak and tired nod before leaning against the door, her freckled cheeks protruding.

“Should we share the bed instead?” she suggests casually with a yawn.

You quietly sigh in relief and nod—your back would’ve been killed by morning if you slept in that stiff couch any longer. “Let me just get my things then.”

When you mutually agreed to share the same bed you didn’t think it’d be so awkward. Not even Sen, who found solace sleeping by the corner, eased any tension in the air. You both lay on opposite sides and face up at the ceiling with nothing but soft breathing and rainfall being heard. And you could hear Sae-byeok still being awake by her yawning. That yawn rang so familiar in your ears.

“Sae-byeok.” you mumble.

“Hm?”

“How close were we?”

“Close.” she replies dryly and starts yawning some more.

“Would we like,” you began and contemplate finishing the sentence before deciding to do so. “sleep on the same bed together?”

This time she replied after a brief pause. “Mhm.”

“Was it often?”

“I guess.”

“Wow.” you hum after putting her answers into thoughts. You wonder if it took you ten minutes the first time to suggest Sae-byeok to stay the night or if it was her idea from the start. And was the tension this thick the first time as well?

“What?” she asks with a bit of concern.

“We must’ve been really close then.”

You hear the sound of a pillow rustling, she must be facing you now. “Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know. I guess this bed is sort of cramped so…”

When you look to your side, you see her shadowy figure start to sit up. “If you’re uncomfortable I’ll—“

“I didn’t say that.” you quickly say and wait for her to start lowering back on the mattress with a sigh of comfort. She doesn’t see it but a teasing smile is starting to creep up in your lips. “Did we cuddle?” you ask in a playful manner.

“God, you have so many questions late at night.” she groans and you hear her shifting around the bed. Probably turned around so her back would face you.

You do your best to hold back the snort trying to escape. If anything, you hope you teased Sae-byeok back then. “Okay, I’ll stop then. Have a good night.” you say and allow yourself to get comfortable now. It was getting too late anyway—you’re amazed that the sun didn’t start rising yet.

In order to really get comfy you also had to face your back away from Sae-byeok’s lulling figure. Now that it was complete silence you heard Sen’s purring in between you and Sae-byeok’s feet.

While trying to get your mind to finally rest, you couldn’t help but think that nothing in this world mattered this very moment but whatever is happening in this room. You secretly hope this feeling never ends and when it does, you might crave it every single day. It’s the first time since the accident you felt some type of closure in your life.

You take a deep breath in and commit yourself to rest. Maybe everything will be still like this tomorrow when you wake up.

“We did.”

You hold your breath, wondering if you heard something. She starts rustling in bed some more and you swallow thickly. So, you probably did hear right. When you feel the movement stop, you open your eyes and reluctantly move your head to peer over your shoulders. Of course, you only saw a faint silhouette of the cold faced girl. Maybe you’re too tired and made it up.

You plop your face back down on the pillow and shut your eyes tightly. But you heard more stirring and the bed began to slightly shake in the process.

“Did you say something just now?” you croak out and she stops moving when she hears your voice.

She doesn’t respond right away. “I…I said we did.”

“Ah.” you mumble groggily. “Was it nice?”

“You still don’t know how to ask good questions I see.”

It’s almost as if you can hear her smile as she talked. In this moment you feel like you have known her for a long time. Never was it this easy for you to find this much ease with a person.

And you know what she wants and it would be amusing to tease her to make her directly ask you but frankly, you’re too tired.

You shuffle closer to her and easily found your way to the crook of her neck where you rest your head in while she remains stiff. After that, everything else was just a hazy recollection.

──・──・・✿ ・・──・──

(summer, 2020)

Sae-byeok lets the cigarette rest between her teeth as she rummages through her pockets to find her lighter. After running errands for Deok-su, the only solace she has at the end of the night is to stroll around town and smoke. It was an unhealthy habit she picked up as a means of escaping from all the stress she endures. With Cheol, complaining about the children’s home and her mother still nowhere to be found up in the North, she has nothing but the comfort of cigarettes to keep her going.

As she goes on her leisurely stroll, she couldn’t help but think of a particular book quote over and over. ‘But I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I guess I was crying because we had nowhere else to go, no choice but to go on living in this world. Crying because we had no other world to choose, and crying at everything before us, everything around us.’ She couldn’t get that off her mind. It was hard to imagine her feelings reflect in such a raw way through a book—like it ripped the thoughts off of her mind. Maybe she enjoyed that particular Heaven book. She wonders how many other books like it there are in the world—probably millions. We’re all tormented sad individuals after all.

When she turns a corner, with no intention of following a clear path, she sees a strange sight. A girl was sitting by the sidewalk—in front of a giant puddle and had her face buried in between her knees. She was probably crying. Maybe over a heartbreak or a death of a pet—could be anything. Or nothing.

There’s actually a lot of crying individuals, Sae-byeok sees them almost everyday. But this particular person she had no idea why she couldn’t take her eyes off them. It wasn’t until she saw something that looked like a book propped up against them when she had an inkling. Why would you have all people by crying? You graduated early from college and found a secure job right after—you probably live on your own. Sounds like the perfect life.

Sae-byeok inhales a puff of smoke and lets it dance around the air before trying to contemplate whether to find out. She walks over to you, taking her merry time.

“You should get off before a car comes and splashes you with dirt water.” she tells you coolly before placing the cigarette in between her teeth.

You get startled by her low voice and she meets your wet face. But it’s strange, you don’t feel shame like many others do for showing yourself crying.

“G—Good.” you hiccup. “Then maybe my dad’s photo will reappear from the puddle.”

She raises a brow. “What are you talking about?”

You stare at her before shaking your head, deciding it’s best to keep the conversation light. Sae-byeok stares at the puddle, which looks like black ink thanks to the night sky reflecting off it and she sees something odd in the middle. A torn up sheet of—paper? Oh.

“It’s the only thing I had…” you mumble before using all your might to pick yourself off the ground. “I dropped my wallet somewhere in there too.”

“Why don’t you go grab it?”

“…I only care about him.” you whisper, sounding fragile. “I want to…pick it up but it’s ruined, isn’t it?”

“Looks like it.”

Sae-byeok shouldn’t be harsh. She was being too harsh. Hell, she would probably behave the same way you are if the only thing containing her parents was gone. But she isn’t a person that comforts. She gulps, trying to think of anything to alleviate the ache. But why is she trying?

“I liked the book.”

You let out a sniffle and wipe any tears left with the edges of your sleeve. “I—I knew it.”

Before Sae-byeok could reply a car whizzed by, runs through the puddle and causes a huge wave to wash over both of you.

“Fuck!” she hisses and drops her cigarette to wipe down her face with her palms. “Fucker!” she shouts to the car driving off. They start getting looks by passerby’s—especially when you start laughing. “Why the hell are you laughing?”

“It’s your fault.” you say matter-of-factly with a melancholic laugh. “That’s karma for what you said earlier, Sae-byeok. Look…my apartment is right here do you want to shower and change or are you going home with puddle water?”

Sae-byeok doesn’t have much of a choice does she?