"He was a good boy, an angel."

BUG OUT.ᐟ.ᐟ

⌯⌲ i effin’ hate bugs too!!!! i eat inside during cookouts ‘cause i’ll be damned if a bee thinks i’m gonna share my burger with it. also i had apparently started this, saved it as a draft, then completely forgot about it. i’m so sorry. a little longer than average.

A scream, more equivalent to a screech, rings out through the entire agency building, startling anyone within ear shot — which is just about anyone. Their heads all started swiveling around, people running from different areas to the office room, to see what is causing all the commotion, and people already in the office are at attention, in position to fight, on high alert. You’re huddled in the corner, far away from your desk, shaking your hands as you try to calm yourself down from completely freaking out. Everyone is trying to determine what the issue is, and you’re cowering.

“What’s going on?” Naomi asks, trying to approach you slowly, and your hand thrusts out, finger shaking as you point toward your desk. Her eyebrows come together, following the tip to the surface, and her eyes scan over it until she sees it. She gasps, jumping back into the corner with you, and you two are hugging each other. “No! Someone help!” She squeals, you both shaking in each other’s hold. “Junichiro!” She whines, you more grateful she is able to speak to come to your aid.

“What is going on with you two?” Fukuzawa comes out of his office then, the racket too much to bear, looking ever the irritated father as his hands remove from the comfort of his sleeves. As he is attempting to interrogate you and Naomi, Junichiro is peering over your desk, where he happened to also see you pointing, and his eyebrows arches.

“I’m not seeing anything out of the ordinary…” His finger gingerly, cautiously, moves your pencil holder, but there’s still nothing there. “What did you see?” Atsushi and Kyouka carefully inch up to your desk, the both of them taking turns looking, but they share a puzzled glance before shrugging and looking back in your direction. You’re scared stiff, eyes shut as you hug tight to Naomi, and she does the same.

“Ranpo, is there any chance you can deduce this to make the ruckus cease?” The president sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, and his master detective peeks over his magazine, unphased in the slightest by the commotion.

“Nah, you’ll all figure it out,” he shrugs, flattening out the pages so he can read it better, choosing to ignore the situation. Fukuzawa sighs heavily, taking a stab at investigating, moving closer to your desk with his shoes clacking along the floor, and he takes some inadequate glances around the surface.

“Children, there’s nothing here,” he stands up straight, looking at you and Naomi over his shoulder, you two are tentative to believe him. You both know what you saw, and there’s no way you believe it’s gone so soon. “Please get back to work, we are behind on reports and they are due at the end of the week.”

“But… President, it’s still there! You aren’t looking hard enough!” Naomi fights for you, stomping her foot down then helplessly looking to her brother. “Do something!” He looks at her with big, helpless eyes, and glances at the president.

“I’d love to but… no one can see anything and neither of you are telling us what it is,” he tries speaking more gently, and Atsushi nods in agreement.

“Do you think you can describe it?” He looks at you expectantly, and your lips part, getting ready to speak, when Dazai, Kunikida, and Kenji decide to come in after their case, their steps slowing when they see everyone crowding around your desk with you panicked and tethered to your coworker. Kunikida adjusts his glasses, surveying the scene, and spares a side-eye to Dazai.

“What’s goin’ on?” Kenji smiles, just as he does, believing there’s a surprise party happening that they just walked into.

“We’re trying to find out why they’re hiding in a corner,” Kyouka explains, gesturing to you two, and he cocks his head.

“Oh, I guess that is weird. I thought we were celebrating something!” Dazai’s gaze trails around the entire room, seeing Ranpo at his desk, uninvolved, the president looking as if he is on his last leg and in need of a nap, the others circling your desk, and Naomi holding you still. He can tell from his spot at the front door how badly you’re shaking, shoulders trembling, and the soft sound of heels clicking in the hallway makes his ears perk. His line of sight flickers to your desk, something swiftly crawling away, and his brows twitch together.

“I heard screaming,” Yosano decides to join, brushing her hands on her skirt, joining in on the scene a bit too late. “Is everything okay?” She does the same assessment, then does little to hide her amused smirk, acutely aware of what the problem is. “Oh, have we had ourselves a run-in?” She asks, directing the question toward you as a hand places on her hip, and you hesitantly nod.

“You know what the issue is?” Kunikida addresses her, and Dazai decides to slowly make his way toward you, keeping his gaze on your desk, hands in his pockets.

“Sure do!” She sings, wearing a giant grin, teeth showing, before patting him on the shoulder. “Good luck!” She waves, scurrying off back down the hall to hide away in her medical room. Kenji decided during that time to root around more thoroughly at your desk, moving more than Junichiro did, while Kyouka and Atsushi watch him diligently with focused intent. Junichiro is trying to comfort his sister, who won’t detach herself from you. Ranpo starts whistling while flipping his magazines. Fukuzawa retreated to his private office as soon as the opportunity presented itself. And Kunikida decides to disengage as well, making way for his desk so he can complete his work that even he is falling behind on due to the increased workload you all suddenly received.

“What seems to be the matter?” Dazai soothes, leaned down some to essentially patronize you, but you’re too terrified to care. He sports a lopsided smile, and you look up at him as if you’re a trembling kitten in the alley on a rainy day.

“Is this your problem?” Kenji calls out to you, his hand raised, and a spider’s leg is pinched between his fingers while it flails around in his hold. You scream again, ducking away into Naomi’s neck, who has decided to completely abandon you to jump into Junichiro’s arms as she always yelps, hiding her face in his shirt. Shining brown irises glide over to observe, and his smiles falters into a strange grimace that he isn’t doing well to hide.

“Great work, Kenji!” His voice is rough, teetering between calm and internally freaking out, taking a small step closer toward you. “Now, why don’t you go ahead and let the poor thing free?” Your hands are clinging to his sleeve, worried the other is going to do the unimaginable, and you need a human shield.

“It’s just a spider!” Kenji laughs, your instinct right when he starts walking over, the deadly, eight-legged creature dangling in the air, and it is only a matter of time for it to somehow detach itself from its captured limb and scamper off elsewhere. “You guys are getting worked up over nothing!”

“Kenji, maybe don’t walk around with that thing,” Atsushi voices what is screaming repeatedly in your head, bringing a fascinated Kyouka with him as he steps back. “What if you lose it?” That makes Kunikida’s head turn, not allowing distraction be visible in his features, but the thought of it running loose again is also not sitting well with him — primarily because it will continue this endeavor when he wishes it would end already.

“K-Kenji, please don’t bring that thing any closer,” Dazai’s voice shakes and cracks a bit as he speaks, doing what he can to shield you, but now even he is getting freaked out. “That thing is… well, it’s huge.” He states, blunt, and you’re clinging to him for dear life.

“Wow, Dazai, I didn’t think you of all people would be afraid of a little spider!” Ranpo chuckles, exaggerating the flip of the next page as he props his fist on his cheek.

“I have to agree with Dazai,” Junichiro cuts in, rubbing Naomi’s back to calm her, but he also takes a step back, surprised but not that Kenji’s just waving the damn thing around. “That’s no ‘little’ spider.” The other beams, stopping right in front of you and Dazai, the last two standing in the vicinity, and extends his arm out.

“Just look at it!” He encourages. Your heart stops before screaming unreasonably loud, leaping up into Dazai’s arms, where he also lets out a small, embarrassing yelps when he catches you on instinct, and hides his face away in your neck. You two stand there, Shaggy and Scooby style, shaking in each other’s grasp from a spider, and the room falls incredibly silent. Ranpo peeks up, hand already digging in his pocket for his phone, and snaps a picture while he has the chance before rushing to hide it away again. Even the Tanizaki siblings are staring at you two with weird yet quizzical expressions, while Kyouka and Atsushi are baffled. A few of the clerks and secretaries murmur amongst themselves, and Kunikida is doing everything in his power to not be distracted by the unwavering quiet.

“I’ll uh…” Kenji bites on his lip briefly, preventing himself from letting out even the tiniest of chuckles, hurriedly turning on his heel with his new spider friend to rush out the door. “I’ll set the little guy free!” You faintly hear him call out then disappearing. One eye cracks open, sliding around the room, and catch some of Dazai’s shaggy hair in your view, the realization hitting you that you are above ground.

“Can everyone get back to work now please?!” Fukuzawa bellows from his office, and your “hero’s” head whips up to see that the deadly menace has departed. You two share a sidelong glance, both red in the faces, and he carefully sets you back to your feet and you adjust your shirt, smoothing it out. Then casually walk back to your desk to sit in your chair and connect your fingers to your laptop keys as if nothing happened.

“Dazai, you always are so dramatic,” you roll your eyes, and he just stares at you, eye twitching, and shoves his hands in his pockets.

“Mr. Dazai, I thought you weren’t afraid of anything?” Kyouka’s soft but flat voice carries from where she stands, and it just makes the detective start pouting, and Atsushi's hand comes up to cover the lower half of his face to conceal his grin.

“They’re the one that jumped in my arms,” he grumbles, but absolutely no one is going to take his side, forcing him to trudge off to his desk while the rest go back to doing their paperwork, the same as you, like this is an everyday occurrence.

idk if dazai actually is afraid of spiders, this just seemed funnier & i wanted a laugh.

- ghxst

minific masterlist

short hair chuuya, long hair dazai!!

(i'm crine why does dazai look like a girl)

Okokok here's some real art..... Finnaly

I still haven't gotten my stylus, but it's in the mail so yay! But I was really itching to draw dazai, so I sucked it up and used my finger....

GOD IT SUCKED, I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR FINGER ARTISTS.

I’m already entirely on my own. I soak alone in the wind.

- Tachihara Michizō, “Standing on my Own” from Of Dawn, of Dusk

yessss! my first inbox tysm :))

armed detective agency dazai

𓂃⋆.˚ the first thing people often get wrong about dazai is assuming he would panic immediately. he wouldn’t, or not outwardly, at least. when the message appears on his screen saying “let’s break up” and you immediately go offline, his first reaction would actually be silence. he’d stare at the message for a few seconds longer than normal, reread it once, then twice, and then his mind would immediately start working through possibilities. was it a joke? were you angry? were you hurt? was somebody else involved? did something happen?

dazai is someone who spends his entire life reading people, predicting people, understanding people, and if he’s in a healthy relationship with you, he usually has a good idea of what’s going on in your head. that’s why a text like that would bother him more than most people realize. because if it genuinely came out of nowhere, he’d know something wasn’t right. if he tried texting you and realized you were offline, he wouldn’t spam your phone with twenty messages the way somebody like atsushi or yuji probably would. instead, he’d send one message, maybe two. something simple like “that’s a rather dramatic way to start a conversation,” and then after a pause, “are you alright?” because despite all his jokes, that would become the real question in his mind.

if several hours passed with no answer, he’d start getting increasingly uneasy, although you’d never see it directly. dazai is very good at hiding concern behind humor, but internally his thoughts would become much darker. unlike most people, he doesn’t immediately assume someone stopped loving him. he immediately starts wondering whether something happened.

“are you hurt?”

“are you in danger?”

“did somebody force you to send it?”

“are you trying to push him away for some reason?”

because dazai knows people rarely do things without motives, and a sudden breakup text followed by complete silence doesn’t feel emotionally honest to him.

by the time a day passes without contact, he’s probably already figured out where you are. that’s the thing about dating dazai. people imagine he’s detached, but when he genuinely cares about someone, he becomes terrifyingly determined. if he believes you’re safe and genuinely breaking up with him, he’ll respect it, even if it hurts. if he believes you’re unsafe, upset, or lying about your reasons, he’s showing up in person.

you’ll probably just open your door and find him standing there with his hands in his pockets looking annoyingly calm; then he’ll smile and say something ridiculous like, “you know, most people break up with me face-to-face. i feel very cheated.”

if there’s one thing dazai hates, it’s unfinished truths, and if he loved you enough to call you his partner, he would want the real reason.

what would hurt him most isn’t the breakup itself, it’s the possibility that you felt unable to tell him why, because despite all his flaws, one of the things ada dazai values most is genuine connection, and suddenly losing that without explanation would stay with him for a long time.

if you were to seriously breakup, his depression would get progressively and noticeably worser than ever, for you were his lifeline, and his reason to live.

port mafia dazai

𓂃⋆.˚ port mafia dazai’s reaction is much colder on the surface and much worse underneath.

the moment the text arrives, he doesn’t look surprised. in fact, if somebody happened to be watching him, they might think he wasn’t affected at all.

he reads the message once, locks his phone and continues whatever he was doing. the problem is that nobody except dazai would know his mind is already moving a hundred steps ahead.

port mafia dazai doesn’t trust happiness. he doesn’t trust permanence and he definitely doesn’t trust people staying, so unlike ada dazai, part of him has always expected this day to come, not because he thinks you’re cruel, but because he genuinely struggles to believe somebody could know him completely and choose him forever.

that’s why the message wouldn’t shock him. it would hurt him in a much quieter way. it would feel like confirmation of something he already feared. however, the second you go offline, the situation changes, because now it stops being a breakup and starts becoming a puzzle and nobody in yokohama is better at solving puzzles than dazai.

within an absurdly short amount of time, he’d know where you are. whether you’ve left town. who you’ve spoken to recently. whether you’re actually alone and whether the breakup message was truly your decision.

he’s not stalking you, it’s just that his first assumption would never be that simple.

a person he loves suddenly sending a breakup text and disappearing immediately afterward would make him suspect outside interference long before he accepted the obvious explanation. if he discovers you’re genuinely fine and simply wanted to end the relationship, he probably won’t chase after you. that’s what makes it sad.

people often imagine he’d argue or demand answers, but port mafia dazai is someone who’s already convinced most good things eventually leave. if he realizes you truly want to go, he’ll let you, then he’ll spend a very long time pretending it didn’t affect him.

if somebody asks about you later, he’ll smile, he’ll joke, he’ll change the subject. nobody will know that he still remembers the exact wording of the message months afterward.

on the other hand, if he discovers you didn’t actually want to leave, or that somebody manipulated the situation, then god help whoever caused it. because the difference between ada dazai and port mafia dazai is that the mafia version still solves problems like a mafia executive.

and if someone intentionally took away one of the very few people he’d genuinely allowed himself to care about, the outcome would be much worse for them than it would ever be for him. the saddest part is that even if the breakup wasn’t real, even if you later explained everything, there would still be a moment after receiving that message where port mafia dazai quietly thinks, of course.