Z

it's not like you can just roll up with a box of chocolates and call it a day. this man's used to the best of the best, and while he's never made you feel like you weren't enough or didn't fit into his world, the reality is you're still a varsity student, still trying to stretch your monthly budget to cover textbooks, takeout, and the occasional night out with your girls.

and trent? well, trent can have anything he wants, whenever he wants. you've watched him casually browse designer websites like he's scrolling through twitter, picking out shoes that cost more than your rent with a kind of nonchalance that makes your head spin.

so, no, a simple birthday card from the campus bookstore isn't going to cut it. this is your first birthday together as a couple — you've got to make it special.

but how?

like, you've been lying in bed for hours now, phone in hand, scrolling aimlessly through shopping websites, pinterest, and even resorting to typing "what to get your rich boyfriend for his birthday" into google. nothing is helping. in fact, everything's making it worse. because even though you've got a list of ideas in your notes app, none of them seem to match up to the weight of what you feel this gift should be.

"babe, you don't have to go all out," trent had said during a conversation you had with him earlier in the week, flashing you that pretty smile that somehow makes everything feel like it'll be fine. "whatever you get me, i'm gonna love it. i'm just happy to spend the day with you."

but that's the thing, though. you want to go all out. he deserves it. even if he's not asking for it, you know he would never say anything if you just showed up with something basic—but it would eat away at you. you'd remember it every year.

so, yeah, no pressure or anything. just your sanity slowly slipping away as the days inch closer to his birthday and you still have no clue what to do.

your friends have been no help either. a bunch of suggestions that are either way too expensive or feel way too impersonal. "just get him something sentimental," one of them had said, but you're not even sure what counts as sentimental when you've only been dating for a few months.

like, are you supposed to pull some dramatic pinterest diy project out of nowhere? is that your lane now? because you're not crafty. you're not about to break out the arts and crafts just to end up frustrated and glue-stained.

you're definitely overthinking this, and you know it, but you can't stop. you keep picturing the day itself. like, what if you get him something and he likes it but doesn't love it? what if he's too polite to say it but deep down, he's thinking, "wow, she really couldn't put more effort into this?"

it doesn't help that every time you bring up his birthday, trent just brushes it off like it's no big deal. "it's just another day," he says, shrugging, but you know it's more than that. his birthday is a big deal to you because he's a big deal to you.

you can't let this flop.

days are passing by faster than you'd like, and you still haven't made any progress. now it's the weekend before his birthday, and you're sitting on the floor of your apartment, surrounded by discarded ideas. you've gone from designer cologne (too basic) to a surprise trip (too expensive) to planning a cute dinner night in (too... ordinary?).

it's gotten to the point where you're spiralling. full-on stress mode. you're overthinking everything, imagining how disappointed he might be, how awkward the whole thing could feel, and for what? he hasn't said anything that makes you think he's expecting something grand, but it's like your brain is running on a loop, replaying worst-case scenarios.

you're deep in your thoughts when your phone buzzes. it's trent. a simple text.

trent: wanna come over?

you sigh, conflicted. on one hand, you'd love to see him and spend the day wrapped up in each other like you usually do, but on the other hand, you feel like you should be using every spare second to figure this gift thing out. but it's trent, and maybe seeing him will take your mind off the stress for a bit. so, you grab your keys and head out.

when you get to his place, trent's already waiting for you at the door, looking casual as ever in sweats and a hoodie. he greets you with a grin that immediately makes some of the tension in your shoulders ease up. you can't help but smile back, even though the stress is still simmering in the back of your mind.

he pulls you into a hug, kissing the top of your head as he mumbles, "missed you."

"you saw me yesterday," you laugh softly, burying your face in his chest, inhaling the scent of his cologne. it's the same cologne you thought about getting him for his birthday, but now that you're here with him, it feels too safe, too... expected.

"still missed you," he murmurs, pulling back slightly to look at you. "you okay?"

God, how does he always know?

"yeah," you lie, but it's not convincing. trent raises an eyebrow, clearly not buying it, but he doesn't press. instead, he just leads you inside, hand slipping into yours like it always does.

you spend the afternoon curled up on the couch, watching some random show neither of you are really paying attention to. trent's arm is draped over your shoulders, his fingers occasionally brushing against your arm, but your mind keeps drifting. keeps thinking about the damn gift.

it's not until he asks, "you sure you're alright?" that you realise you've been quiet for too long.

you glance up at him, debating whether or not to just tell him. you don't want to admit how stressed you've been about something that probably seems insignificant to him. but trent's looking at you with that soft, patient expression, and before you know it, the words are tumbling out.

"it's just... your birthday," you mumble, picking at the hem of your shirt, avoiding his gaze. "i wanna get you something special, but i don't know what to get you. you have everything already."

there's a pause, and for a moment, you worry you've said too much. but then you hear him laugh. not in a mean way, but in that gentle, amused way he does when you've overcomplicated something in your head.

"babe," he says softly, cupping your chin and turning your face so you're looking at him. "you don't have to stress over that. i don't need anything fancy or expensive. i just wanna spend time with you."

you feel your chest tighten a little because, logically, you know he's right. but still... it's his first birthday with you. it feels like it should be more.

"i know," you mumble, eyes flicking away from his. "but i just want it to be perfect."

"it will be," he promises, leaning down to steal a kiss. "because you'll be there."

and maybe that's all that matters, but still...

—

the next couple of days are a blur.

classes, assignments, and late-night scrolling sessions trying to figure out the perfect present. you've moved past the point of practicality. now, you're grasping at straws. googling things like "unique gifts for the man who has everything" and getting absolutely nowhere. your notes app is full of crossed-out ideas, your stress level rising with each passing day.

by the time thursday rolls around, you're a full-on wreck. trent's birthday is next monday, and the thought of showing up with something underwhelming—or worse, empty-handed—has you on edge. you've always been the type to put pressure on yourself, to want everything to be just right, especially when it comes to people you care about. and trent? well, trent's at the top of that list now, no question.

it randomly hits you at 2:19 in the morning, that spark of inspiration you were so desperate for, the puzzle pieces of your chaotic brain finally starting to click into place. and as you brush your teeth before class a few hours later, you replay the idea in your mind.

you obviously still need to work out the details, but at least you have direction now. no more over-the-top ideas. nothing that screams, "i tried too hard." instead, you're going for something more personal, something that shows trent how much you've been paying attention to the small things.

because, really, that's what this relationship has been about for you—finding beauty in the details. sure, trent's life is loud and flashy, but what you've learned in the past few months is that it's the quiet moments, the ones where it's just the two of you, that really matter.

like the nights where you read him your biochem thesis because you want a second opinion (and, bless him, he never understands a thing). or the mornings where you wake up tangled in his sheets, 15 minutes late for whatever morning class you have. or the late-night talks where he opens up in ways you know he doesn't do with most people.

that's what you want to capture. that's what his birthday should reflect.

the rest of the week passes in a blur, a whirlwind of classes, your part-time job, and late-night planning sessions. every free moment you get, you're jotting down notes, sketching ideas, making phone calls, and somehow managing to keep all of this hidden from trent. it's not easy—he's nosy as hell, always asking what you're up to, but you've gotten good at playing it off, keeping him in the dark just enough to maintain the element of surprise.

you've already set everything in motion. well, mostly. there are still a few loose ends to tie up, but it's all coming together in a way that feels right.

on the morning of his birthday, you both settle on a time that works—right after your last class and after he's done with training. by the time he gets to your place that evening, you're all giddy, eyes beaming as you open the door for him.

and he's instantly on you, arms smoothly slipping around your waist, pulling you to him just as you close the door. he leans down, pressing his lips to your exposed shoulder — gentle, lingering kisses, his breath warm against your skin. "hi, baby."

"trent..." you murmur, trying to sound disapproving because you can almost guess where this is going, but failing miserably. it comes out softer than you intended, more like an invitation than a scolding.

he hums against your skin, his lips brushing the curve of your neck now, his hands tightening just a bit on your waist, pressing your back to his front. "hmm?"

his lips move to your jawline next, and you reach back with one hand, tangling your fingers in the soft curls at the nape of his neck, pulling him closer. he takes the hint, pressing more kisses along the side of your face now, trailing up to your temple, your cheek, the corner of your mouth.

"so pretty," trent turns you around slowly, his hands still on your waist, guiding you until you're facing him. his eyes are dark, a little playful, but there's something else there too—something softer, deeper.

you barely have time to register that look before his lips are on yours, soft and sweet. it's not hurried or frantic, but there's an urgency to it, and you kiss him back just as passionately, your hands clutching his shirt, your body leaning into his. it's instinctual now, the way your whole being responds to him.

when you finally pull back, both of you breathing a little heavier, trent rests his forehead against yours, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment. there's a lazy smile on his lips, the kind that makes your heart do a little flip in your chest.

"wait, you're distracting me," you laugh quietly, your fingers tracing the outline of his jaw. "i have a surprise for you."

he smiles, his lips brushing against your forehead now. "yeah?"

you nod, grinning as you lead him over to the living room, where you've set everything up. on the coffee table, there's a small collection of items: a few handwritten letters, a disposable camera, and a small, leather-bound journal.

trent raises an eyebrow, glancing between you and the table, clearly intrigued but not sure what to expect.

"so, i know you don't need anything," you start, your voice suddenly a little shaky as you sit down beside him. "and i didn't wanna get you something you could just buy yourself. so... i thought about what would mean the most to you. and, well... this is what i came up with."

you hand him the journal first, feeling a knot of nerves tighten in your stomach as he unties the string and carefully opens it.

the pages are filled with handwritten notes, photos, and little mementos from your time together so far. it's not just a scrapbook or a diary; it's a love letter. every page is a piece of your relationship — the silly inside jokes, the photos of the two of you at your favourite café, the pressed flowers from the first bouquet he ever gave you, the ticket stubs from the movie you saw on your second date. it's a collection of memories, a reminder of how far you've come in such a short time.

it's quiet for a while, the only sound being the soft rustle of paper as he turns the pages. you watch him carefully, trying to gauge his reaction, but his face is unreadable.

finally, he reaches the last page—a note you wrote, a few simple words; happy birthday, trent. thank you for being you. thank you for seeing me. i love you.

he's quiet for a moment, his eyes scanning the words, thumb tracing over the ink. when he finally looks up, there's this... softness in his eyes, a depth of emotion you don't always see from him.

"this is perfect," he sets the journal aside and pulls you into his arms, pressing a kiss to your temple. "thank you, baby."

you feel a wave of relief wash over you, but you're not done yet. next, you hand him the disposable camera.

"i know you're used to having a million pictures taken of you all the time, but... i thought it might be nice to have something just for us. we can take pictures whenever, wherever. and at the end of the roll, we'll get them developed and see what moments we've captured."

trent turns the camera over in his hands, a warm, appreciative smile gracing his lips. "this is... yeah, this is really thoughtful. i didn't expect this."

and finally, you hand him the letters. "these are from the people closest to you. i asked them to write you something personal, something that shows how much you mean to them."

he looks up at you, his eyes soft, a mix of gratitude and something deeper reflecting in them. "you really went all out for this, didn't you?"

you shrug, feeling a little shy now that everything's out in the open. "i just wanted you to feel appreciated. i didn't want to get you something that didn't mean anything."

trent's quiet for a moment, just looking at you, and then he sets everything aside and pulls you into his arms, holding you close.

"you're amazing," he says, his voice all soft and thick with emotion. "seriously. this is the best gift i've ever had."

you feel the tension drain from your body as you bury your face in his chest, a smile spreading across your lips because, yeah. all the stress, all the overthinking, it was worth it.

"i love you," trent pulls back slightly, his hand cupping your cheek as he looks down at you. "more than i even know how to say."

your heart stutters at that. you've both danced around the words for a while now, neither of you wanting to rush into saying them, but hearing him say it now, in this moment, feels right.

"i love you too," you whisper, your fingers tangling in the fabric of his shirt as you pull him closer, your lips meeting in a soft, lingering kiss.

when you finally pull away, he rests his forehead against yours again, his hand sliding down to rest on your hip. "best birthday i've had," he murmurs, his lips brushing against your cheek, and you laugh softly, your heart full.

"i'm glad," you say, smiling as you snuggle closer to him, his arms wrapping around you like a safety net. "but it's not over yet."

he raises an eyebrow, intrigued. "oh? what else do you have planned?"

you grin, leaning back just enough to meet his gaze. "i figured we'd spend the rest of the night doing... whatever you want."

trent chuckles, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "whatever i want, huh?"

"yep," you nod, biting your lip to keep from smiling too wide. "you're the birthday boy, after all."

"careful," he leans in, his lips brushing against your ear as he whispers, "i might hold you to that."

and he does hold you to it.

all night long.

she shows up at your door just after midnight, eyes swollen and red, shoulders slumped like she's carrying the weight of the world on them. her hair's pulled back in a messy bun, and her makeup is smeared, but she still manages to look effortlessly beautiful. you hate her for it. but you hate yourself even more for the fact that you're the reason she's standing here, crying over a man who's tangled up in your sheets more often than not.

"he's cheating," she blurts out, voice thick with tears. "it sounds crazy, but i know he is. he has to be."

you don't flinch. you don't react. because this moment was bound to happen eventually, wasn't it? you knew she'd figure it out sooner or later. you want to tell her that she's not crazy, that she's not imagining things, that her gut is screaming at her for a reason. but you don't.

"come in," you say instead, stepping aside, and she walks past you, oblivious to the way your hands shake as you close the door behind her.

you make her a cup of tea, and you listen as she spills her heart out, every word chipping away at the fragile wall of secrecy you've built around yourself. she tells you about the fights, the late-night arguments, the way jude's been distant lately. and all you can think is of course he's distant. he's been spending his nights with you.

"do you think he's seeing someone else?" she asks, looking up at you with those big, doe eyes, and for a moment, you wonder if she knows. if she's pieced it all together and this is her way of calling you out.

but then she lets out a shaky breath, biting her lip, and you realise she's just desperate. desperate for answers, for reassurance, for anything that'll make this hurt less.

"i... i don't know," you say, and it's the closest you've come to lying to her face. but technically, it's not a lie. you don't know what jude feels for you, don't know if you're just some thrill, a secret he'll eventually get tired of. but you do know he's cheating. you know because he's doing it with you.

"i'm sorry," you add, because what else can you say? and she just nods, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand.

"can i stay here tonight?" she asks, voice small, and you want to scream. you want to tell her to leave, to run as far away from you as she can, because you're not the friend she thinks you are. but instead, you force a smile, nodding.

"of course," you say, leading her to the guest room. you watch as she curls up on the bed, clutching one of the pillows to her chest, and it's almost enough to make you break.

almost.

you leave her there, retreating to your own room, and the silence that follows is deafening. you sit on the edge of your bed, fingers slightly trembling as you reach for your phone, typing out a quick;

she's here. she thinks you're cheating.

you don't expect a response. it's late, and jude's probably already asleep. but barely five minutes later, your phone buzzes with his reply;

on my way.

you hear the door creak open around 2 a.m., the soft shuffle of footsteps as he makes his way through your apartment. you don't move. don't say a word. you just wait. wait for him to find you like he always does.

"where is she?" he asks, and his voice is low, rough with sleep, and you hate how much it affects you. how even now, with the weight of his girlfriend's tears still clinging to your skin, you want him.

"the guest room," you murmur, and jude nods, but he doesn't go to her. doesn't even look in her direction. instead, he steps into your room, closing the door behind him, and suddenly the air feels too thick, too heavy.

"you shouldn't be here," you say, but your voice lacks conviction, and you both know it.

"then why did you text me?" he counters, and you have no answer for that. because the truth is, you didn't want him to stay away. you never do.

he's in front of you in two strides, his hands cupping your face, and there's suddenly this desperate look in his eyes that makes your heart stutter. "i'm sorry," he breathes, pressing his forehead against yours. "i'm so fucking sorry for putting you in this position."

"don't–" you whisper, shaking your head, but he's already kissing you, swallowing the words you'll never have the courage to say out loud.

his lips are soft, warm, and there's this urgency in the way he touches you, like he's afraid you'll slip away if he lets go. and maybe that's the problem. maybe that's why you keep letting him back in, even when you know it's wrong. because when he's touching you, when he's looking at you like you're the only thing that matters, you forget. you forget about the lies, the guilt, the way his girlfriend is sleeping just a few feet away. all that matters is this — him.

"jude," you whisper. it's a plea. a desperate, broken plea for him to stop, to keep going, to never leave. you're not even sure which one anymore.

"i know," he murmurs against your lips, his hands sliding down to grip your waist, pulling you closer until there's nothing between you. "i know, baby. but just... just let me have this. let me have you."

and you do. because you always do.

he kisses you like it's the first time, like he's memorising every curve, every taste, and you hate that it feels so good. hate that it feels like you're finally home, even when you know this is anything but.

he lays you down on the bed, his weight settling over you, and for a moment, everything else fades away. it's just him. just you. tangled up in sheets that smell like regret and desperation, and you let yourself believe that this is enough. that this is all you'll ever need.

you know it, though.

as his lips ghost over your collarbone, you know it. you know you have no business letting him back in, especially considering the unsuspecting victim that's currently sleeping with a broken heart in your guest room. you know that you're going to regret this, come morning.

but how do you even begin to push him away when you've finally tasted technicolour after living in black and white for so long? how do you push him away when this feels so much like heaven? it's a heaven that's built on lies and secrets, but it's heaven nonetheless.

and so, you close your eyes, arching into his touch, and let yourself drown in him.

because maybe that's all you'll ever be to each other—two sinners, reaching for heaven in all the wrong ways.

—

the morning light creeps in through the blinds, casting soft shadows across your bedroom, and for a moment, you let yourself believe that this is normal. that this is just another morning, another lazy sunday where you don't have to think about anything beyond the warmth of jude's skin pressed against yours.

but reality is quick to sink in, and you remember. you remember the girl sleeping in your guest room, the one who trusts you. the one who cried herself to sleep just down the hall while you let her boyfriend trace his lips along every inch of your skin.

opening your eyes, you blink against the harsh light, and there he is. your person who's not quite your person. lying beside you, his face soft and unguarded in sleep. it's a sight you've seen countless times, but it never gets easier. never feels any less wrong.

you watch him for a moment, memorising the way his eyelashes brush against his cheeks, the way his chest rises and falls with each breath. he looks so peaceful, so different from the man who kissed you with a desperation that left you breathless just hours ago.

you know you should get up. you should get dressed, make coffee, do anything other than lie here and pretend that this is something it'll never be. but you don't move. you don't want to. because the moment you leave this bed, this little bubble you've created, everything will come crashing back down, and you're not ready for that. not yet.

"you're staring," jude mumbles, eyes still closed, voice rough with sleep.

"and what about it?" you retort, a small, playful smile adorning your lips.

he opens one eye, peering up at you with that lazy, half-smirk that drives you insane. "come here," he murmurs, reaching out to pull you closer, and you go willingly, curling into his side like you belong there. like this is where you're supposed to be.

you rest your head on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and for a moment, you let yourself forget. forget about the lies you've told, the promises you've broken.

you let yourself believe that this is enough.

"what are we doing?" you whisper after a moment, you can't help it. and the question hangs heavy in the air, the weight of it pressing down on both of you.

he's silent for a moment, his fingers tracing patterns on your back, and you wonder if he'll answer. if he even knows the answer. but then he sighs, his breath warm against your hair.

"i don't know," he admits, and there's a vulnerability in his voice that makes your heart ache.

it's not the answer you want. it's not the reassurance you crave, the promise that this will be more than just a mistake you'll both regret. but it's honest. it's all you have. and for now, maybe that's enough.

"she's gonna wake up soon," you say, because you need to remind him. need to remind yourself that this isn't just some fairytale, that there are consequences to every touch, every kiss.

"i know," he murmurs, but he doesn't let go. doesn't pull away. instead, he tightens his grip on you. "just... a few more minutes. please."

and, oh, you're weak. you're so weak when it comes to him, because you nod, burying your face in his chest, letting yourself savour the feeling of his arms around you, the warmth of his skin against yours. you let yourself pretend, just for a little while longer, that this is something that can last.

but of course, it can't. because soon enough, the soft creak of a door opening echoes through the apartment, and you freeze. your body tenses against jude's, and you pull away, your heart racing as you listen to the sound of footsteps padding down the hall.

"y/n?" the soft knock on your door is accompanied by her even softer voice, and you swear your heart stops. "are you awake?"

"uh, yeah," you respond, and you can't help the panic that bleeds into your voice. "just... give me a minute, okay?"

"okay," she says, and there's no suspicion in her voice. no anger. just the unmistakable hurt she's carried from the night before. and that almost makes it worse.

you scramble out of bed, grabbing jude's shirt off the floor and slipping it on, your hands shaking as you try to make yourself look presentable. and when you glance back at him, all in your sheets like he belongs there, the look in his eyes mirrors the conflict in your own heart.

you both know you're dancing on the edge of something that could shatter you completely.

you take a deep breath, steeling yourself, and then you slip out of your room, closing the door quietly behind you. the sight that greets you is almost enough to make you laugh. she's standing in your kitchen, wearing one of your old t-shirts, her hair a mess, eyes puffy from crying, and yet she still manages to look so effortlessly beautiful.

"hey," you say, forcing a smile. "you're up early."

she offers you a weak smile in return, running a hand through her hair. "couldn't sleep," she admits. "kept thinking about jude. about what he's doing. where he is... who he's with."

you swallow the guilt that rises in your throat, nodding. "i get it," you say, because you do. more than she'll ever know.

"i should probably go," she mutters, biting her lip. "i don't wanna impose."

"you're not imposing," you say quickly, shaking your head. "stay. have breakfast. we can... we can talk, if you want."

and you hate yourself for this.

for the way you're lying to her face, pretending to be her friend when all you've done is betray her in the worst possible way. but she looks at you with such gratitude, such relief, that you force yourself to keep smiling, to keep pretending.

"thank you," she says softly, and you nod, blinking back the tears that suddenly threaten to fall.

"it's nothing."

you make her breakfast. you sit across from her, listening as she talks about jude, about the man you know just as well, if not better. and every word, every confession, is another knife in your heart, another reminder of the choice you made the moment you let him into your bed.

but you keep smiling.

keep pretending.

because that's all you can do now. pretend that you're not in love with a man who'll never be yours, that you're not the reason the woman sitting across from you is breaking.

and when she finally leaves, when she hugs you and thanks you for being there, you close the door behind her, and it's only then that you let yourself fall apart. you slide down the door, burying your face in your hands, and the tears come, hot and bitter and laced with regret.

you don't know how long you sit there, crying, but eventually, you feel jude's arms around you, pulling you into his lap, and you let him. you let him hold you, let him press kisses to your hair, and for the first time in a long time, you let yourself be honest.

"i can't keep doing this," you sob, and your voice is raw, broken. "i can't keep pretending that this doesn't hurt."

he's silent for a moment, and you wonder if he'll say the words you've been dreading, if he'll finally tell you that it's over. but instead, he tightens his hold on you, his voice soft, filled with a pain that mirrors your own.

"i know," he says. "but i don't know how to stop."

and maybe that's the worst part.

because deep down, you don't either.

—

you don't see him for days after that morning.

he doesn't text, doesn't call, and you tell yourself it's for the best. that maybe, this is the clean break you've both needed but never had the strength to make.

but it doesn't stop the ache in your chest, the hollow feeling that sits heavy in your stomach every time your phone buzzes and it's not his name lighting up the screen. it doesn't stop the way you wake up in the middle of the night, reaching for him, only to be met with the cold, empty sheets on the other side of your bed.

you're not supposed to miss him. you're not supposed to care. but you do. you care so much it feels like you're fraying at the edges, tearing from the inside out.

you're sitting on your couch one evening, staring blankly at the tv, some reality show playing in the background that you're not really watching, when your phone buzzes. you glance at it, expecting another pointless notification, but your breath catches in your throat when you see his name.

jude: can we talk?

you stare at the screen, your heart hammering in your chest, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

every rational part of your brain is screaming at you to ignore him, to let this be the end, but your heart—your stupid, traitorous heart—is already typing out a response before you can stop yourself.

you: when?

the three little dots appear almost instantly, and you hate how it makes your pulse quicken, how it makes hope flare to life in your chest even though you know better.

jude: i'm outside.

you freeze, your eyes flickering to your front door, and sure enough, there's a shadowy figure standing just beyond the glass. you let out a shaky breath, and for a moment, you consider not answering. just leaving him out there in the cold, letting him feel the sting of rejection that's been eating at you for days.

but you don't.

because when it comes to jude, you're weak like that.

you always have been.

and so, you push yourself off the couch, padding over to the door and pulling it open, your heart lodged in your throat as you meet his gaze. he looks like hell. like he hasn't slept in days. and you hate how much you want to reach out and smooth the worry lines on his forehead, tell him that everything's going to be okay.

"hey."

"hey," you reply, keeping your tone as neutral as possible as you cross your arms over your chest. "what're you doing here?"

he runs a hand through his hair, his eyes darting around like he's not sure where to look, and it's so uncharacteristically vulnerable that it makes your heart ache.

"i needed to see you," he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. "couldn't stay away."

you laugh, but there's no humour in it. "you've done a pretty good job of it the past few days."

jude's jaw clenches at that, and you feel a small flicker of satisfaction at the way your words hit him, at the way he looks like he's coming apart right in front of you. "i know," he says. "i thought... i thought it would be easier if i didn't see you. but it's not."

"maybe it's time we stop doing this," you say suddenly, your voice sharper than you intend. "stop pretending that this is something it's not."

"and what is it?" he asks, taking a step closer, his eyes searching yours, desperate and full of something you're not sure you want to name. "what is this, y/n?"

you shake your head, swallowing back the lump in your throat. "it's a mistake," you whisper, and the words taste like poison on your tongue. "we're a mistake, jude."

he flinches like you've slapped him, and for a moment, you think he's going to turn around and leave. that this will finally be the moment where he lets you go, where he walks away and leaves you to pick up the shattered pieces of your heart.

but he doesn't.

instead, he reaches out, his fingers brushing against your cheek, and you hate the way you lean into his touch, the way your body betrays you even now.

"we're not a mistake. never have been," he murmurs, his thumb tracing the curve of your jaw. "mistakes don't make this much sense. mistakes don't feel this right."

"jude..." you start, but he shakes his head, his hand sliding to the back of your neck, pulling you closer until his forehead rests against yours.

"please," he whispers, and there's a rawness to his voice that cuts through you, that makes it impossible to turn away. "just... don't push me away. not tonight."

with a conflicted sigh, you close your eyes because you know you're not supposed to be this deep. you're not supposed to feel this much. "this is gonna ruin us."

"maybe," he admits, and there's a softness to his words that makes your heart clench. "but i'd rather be ruined with you than be whole with someone else."

and that's all it takes.

the last thread of resistance snaps, and you're kissing him, your hands tangling in his hair, pulling him closer, needing him like you need air. he kisses you back with a desperation that mirrors your own, his hands roaming over your body, grounding you, anchoring you to this moment.

he lifts you, carrying you back inside, fingers curling into your skin — touching you as if you're a lifeline, as if you're the only real thing he has left.

he lays you down on the couch, his body covering yours, and he's looking at you, dark eyes tracing every line, every curve, every inch of you like he's committing you to memory. and there's something different in his gaze tonight—something raw and unguarded and so achingly tender that it steals the breath from your lungs.

you know what's coming.

you can feel it in the way his hands tremble against your sides, the way his heartbeat thuds against your own chest. you know he's about to say it—those three cursed words that you've always been so desperate to hear but never believed.

and you don't want him to.

you don't want him to because if he says it, if he lets those words slip past his lips, then this becomes real. and you don't think you're ready for that. don't think you can handle the weight of everything that would come with it.

"don't say it," you breathe out, and your voice is shaking, barely above a whisper. "please, jude, don't."

his eyes darken, and there's a flash of something—hurt, maybe. but he doesn't move. doesn't pull away. instead, his hand comes up to cup your cheek, his thumb brushing over your skin in a way that makes you want to weep.

and you hate him for that, hate him for the way he always knows just how to touch you, just how to break down every wall you've spent years building up.

"why not?" he asks, and there's a desperation in his voice that you've never heard before. "why can't i say it?"

because you don't mean it, you want to scream. because you'll go back to her tomorrow, and i'll be left with nothing but the memory of this moment. but the words get stuck in your throat, tangled up with every unspoken confession you've kept buried in your chest.

"because you can't," you whisper, choke out, the tears you've been blinking back finally spilling over, hot and wet against your cheeks. "you can't say something you don't mean."

"y/n–"

"stop," your voice cracks, breaks, chest heaving as you try to keep yourself together. but it's no use. jude's always been the one to undo you, always been the one to break you apart with nothing more than a look, a touch, a whispered word.

his thumb swipes at the tears on your cheeks, but it's a pointless effort; they keep coming, spilling over faster than he can catch them.

"baby," he breathes, and there's a pain in his voice that cuts through you, sharp and unforgiving. "baby, i have to. i need to say it."

"no, you don't. you don't have to say anything..." you shake your head, chest aching, throat tight, the words all weak and dying in your lips.

he leans in, his forehead resting against yours, and you can see the tears welling up in his own eyes now, dark and glistening. and it breaks you, seeing him like this, because this isn't the jude you know. this isn't the confident, untouchable jude who always has everything under control. this is the jude who's hurting, the jude who's breaking apart right in front of you, and you don't know how to save him. you don't know how to save either of you.

"i love you," he breathes, and it's barely a whisper, barely a sound, but it echoes through you, reverberating in your chest, your bones, your soul. "i love you, and i can't—i won't pretend that i don't anymore."

you squeeze your eyes shut, the tears falling faster now, your shoulders shaking with the force of your sobs. "don't make this harder than it already is," you beg, and your voice is ragged, raw, the sound of someone who's been shattered one too many times.

but jude's relentless, his hands cupping your face, forcing you to look at him. "y/n, i need you to hear me," he says, and there's an urgency in his voice. "i need you to know that you're not just some escape for me, that you're not just someone i come to when everything else is falling apart. you're it for me. you're everything."

his words hit you like a punch to the gut, because this is what you've always wanted, isn't it? to hear him say those words, to know that he feels the same way you do. but now that they're here, now that he's laid himself bare in front of you, all you feel is pain.

"you have her," you manage to choke out, and it feels like you're ripping yourself apart, bleeding out all the love you've tried so hard to keep buried. "you have her, jude. you can't love me and still have her."

his grip tightens, and you can feel the tremble in his hands, the way he's barely holding himself together.

"i know," he whispers, and there's so much anguish in his eyes that it makes your chest ache. "i know, and i'm trying to fix it. i'm trying to make it right. i will—i'll fix this," a tear slips down his cheek, and it's the most beautiful, most devastating thing you've ever seen. "i'll spend every single day trying," he says, and his voice is so full of conviction, so full of everything you've ever wanted to hear. "because you're worth it. you've always been worth it."

and that's what does it.

that's what breaks you.

you let out a sob, the sound ripping from your chest, and you clutch at him, fingers digging into his shoulders, his arms, his skin, like you're afraid he's going to disappear. "you can't just say that and then leave," you cry, your words muffled against his neck.

"i'm not leaving," he vows, and his arms wrap around you, holding you tight, holding you together, even as you fall apart. "i'm not leaving you. ever."

and maybe it's a lie.

maybe he'll be gone tomorrow, back in her arms, and you'll be left with nothing but the memory of this moment.

but right now, with his breath on your skin and his heart beating against yours, you let yourself believe him.

just this once.

just for tonight.

"i love you," he says again, and it's softer this time, more tender, more real.

and this time, you let yourself believe it. you let yourself believe him.

because some things are worth breaking for.

you've been doing a good job, you think.

a good job of pretending you're over him, that you've moved on, that he's just another chapter in your past. you've convinced your friends, your family—even convinced yourself on your good days.

the new guy's nice. safe. predictable. the kind of man who buys you flowers on fridays, texts back within minutes, never makes you guess.

but that's the problem, isn't it? he's nothing like aurélien.

and maybe that's why you're standing here in front of aurélien's apartment, three knocks away from a mistake you've been telling yourself you're done making.

he opens the door like he was expecting you, that same smug smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, and he's wearing those grey sweatpants—the ones you once claimed made him look too good for his own damn good. it's like he knows exactly what he's doing, standing there with that easy confidence, like he's already won.

"figured you'd show up sooner or later," he says, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. "you always do."

you roll your eyes because of course he starts with that. "don't flatter yourself," you snap, even though you know it won't faze him. nothing ever does.

"too late for that, isn't it?" he steps aside, letting you in, and you hate how easy it is for your feet to move, for your body to follow him like it always has. the door clicks shut behind you, and it feels like all the defences you've built crumble with that sound.

"trouble in paradise?" he asks, turning to face you with that cocky smirk still playing on his lips, because, somehow, you always find yourself at his door when something happens with your man. "what is it this time? he forget your favourite colour already?"

"you're an ass," you mutter, crossing your arms over your chest, suddenly feeling small under his gaze.

"yeah, but you didn't come here to tell me that," he says, stepping closer, and you hate how your heart races when he does. "you came here because you know it, don't you?"

you hate this. hate him. hate the way he's always so sure of himself, so damn certain about where he stands in your life. "know what?" you grumble, trying to keep your voice steady.

"that he'll never be like me," aurélien says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "none of them ever will."

"you're so full of yourself," you shoot back, even though the words feel hollow, even though you know there's truth in what he's saying.

"am i?" he challenges, his voice dropping lower, that dangerous edge creeping in. "because every time you're with him, every time he holds you, you're thinking about me, aren't you?"

"no," you lie, and you know he can tell because he laughs—a low, mocking sound that makes your skin prickle.

"you're a terrible liar, y/n," he says, reaching out to tilt your chin up, forcing you to look at him. "and you know what's funny? you could've picked anyone. anyone in the world, and you chose him. him." he says the word like it's poison on his tongue. "like he could ever come close to what we had."

"you don't get to do this," you huff annoyedly. "you don't get to stand here and act like you're some gold standard.”

he leans in closer, so close you can feel his breath against your lips, the air between you charged with all the things you can't—won't—say out loud. "but i am," he murmurs, his eyes boring into yours. "and you know it. you hate that you know it."

"stop," you manage, but it's weak, half-hearted, because even now, even after everything, you want him. and he clearly knows that too.

"tell me," he presses, and there's something darker, more desperate in his tone now. "tell me he makes you feel the way i did. tell me you don't miss the way i used to touch you, the way i made you feel like you were the only thing that mattered in the world."

you swallow hard, your throat tightening. "aurélien—"

"tell me," he repeats, and you can see it in his eyes—this need to be right, to be the one thing you can't let go of. it's twisted, really, the way he needs this validation, this proof that no one else could ever take his place.

"he's good to me," you say instead, voice barely above a whisper. "he's kind. he cares."

aurélien's jaw clenches, and for a moment, you see something flicker across his face—something that almost looks like pain. but then it's gone, replaced by that infuriating smirk. "kind," he repeats, like the word's some kind of joke. "you really think 'kind' is gonna be enough to keep you warm at night?"

"maybe it is," you snap back, desperate to cling to some sense of dignity, some shred of control. "maybe i don't need you."

"you do," he says, so sure, so certain, it almost breaks you. "you'll always need me."

"you're wrong," you say, but the words catch in your throat, betraying you.

he steps closer, his hands finding your waist, and it's like every nerve in your body comes alive at his touch. you hate how familiar it feels, how right it feels. "look me in the eyes," he says, voice low, rough, "and tell me he makes you feel the way i do. go on. say it."

you open your mouth, but nothing comes out, because how can you? how can you lie when he's standing here, looking at you like he's the only one who's ever known you, who's ever seen you? and maybe that's the worst part—the fact that no matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you tell yourself you're over him, he's still there, in every corner of your mind, every beat of your heart.

"that's what i thought," and there's that smug look again, that knowing, infuriating smile that makes you want to slap him and kiss him all at once. "he'll never be me, y/n. and you know it."

"i hate you," you say, but it comes out weak, choked, and he just laughs, pulling you closer until there's nothing between you but the truth you've been running from.

"no, you don't," he murmurs, his lips brushing against yours. "you hate that i'm right. that's what you hate."

and as much as you want to fight it, as much as you want to prove him wrong, you can't. because in this moment, with his hands on your skin and his breath on your lips, you know that he's right. that no matter how many times you try to move on, no matter how many men you let into your life, none of them will ever be him.

and maybe that's your curse. or maybe... maybe it's your truth.

it happens on a friday night.

you're both in your apartment, the living room dimly lit by the warm glow of the lamp in the corner. jamal is sprawled out on the couch, legs crossed and arm resting on the back, his fingers occasionally brushing against your shoulder as you sit beside him.

you're not really watching the movie that's playing; it's more of an excuse to be close, to let the silence be filled with something other than the sound of your own thoughts. the day had been long, and you're tired in that way that makes you want to sink into the comfort of the moment, to let the world outside fade away.

you're laughing at something jamal just said, something ridiculous and offhand that's typical of him. the kind of thing that always seems to lighten the mood, even when you're feeling weighed down by the million little worries that have been piling up over the week.

and then he says it. three little words, slipping out so casually, so easily, that for a moment you're not even sure you heard them right.

"i love you."

your laughter dies in your throat, the sound turning hollow in the air between you. jamal's still smiling, but there's a flicker of something in his eyes, a realisation that he can't take it back, no matter how much he might want to.

the room feels too small suddenly, the walls closing in, the air too thick to breathe. you can't move, can't even bring yourself to look at him, because you know what you'll see. you'll see the truth in his eyes, the truth that you've been avoiding for longer than you care to admit.

"what?" you whisper, though you heard him perfectly well.

he doesn't say anything at first, just stares at you with that same look, the one that's a mix of regret and hope and a million other things you're not ready to deal with. you can see him mentally retracing his steps, trying to figure out how he ended up here, how those words found their way out of his mouth.

"i— i didn't mean to say that," he stammers, and there's a crack in his voice that makes your heart ache in a way you weren't prepared for. "i was just... it slipped out. it doesn’t mean anything."

you know he's lying, trying to backtrack, trying to put the words back where they came from, but it's too late. they're out there now, hanging in the space between you, and there's no taking them back.

"it's fine," you say, the words tumbling out too quickly, too sharply. "nothing has to change. we can just forget it, okay? it's fine."

but it's not fine. you can feel the shift, the way the air feels different now, heavier, like the weight of those three words is pressing down on both of you. jamal's expression is unreadable, his eyes searching yours for something—reassurance, maybe, or a sign that you're not about to break.

"y/n..." he starts, but you shake your head, cutting him off before he can say anything more.

"please, jamal," you say, and your voice is too soft, too pleading. "can we just—can we just go back to how it was before? can we just... not do this right now?"

he hesitates, and for a moment you think he's going to push, going to make you face the thing you've been running from. but then he nods, a small, resigned motion, and the tension in the room shifts, but doesn't disappear.

"okay," he says quietly. "we don't have to talk about it."

you nod, relief washing over you, but it's a hollow sort of relief, the kind that leaves you feeling more unsettled than before. you want to believe that nothing has changed, that you can just move past this, but the truth is already out there, and you can't unhear it.

you try to focus on the movie, try to let yourself sink back into the comfort of the moment, but it's impossible now. jamal's too quiet beside you, too still, and you can feel the distance that's suddenly opened up between you, even though he hasn't moved an inch.

the rest of the night passes in a blur, the movie forgotten, the conversation forced and awkward. jamal leaves not long after, giving you a strained smile and a quick hug that feels more like a formality than anything else. you watch him go, the door closing behind him with a finality that makes your chest tighten.

it's only after he's gone that you let yourself really think about what just happened. you replay the moment in your mind, over and over, trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out why it feels like everything's been turned upside down.

you've always known that things with jamal were different. there's always been something there, something unspoken, lingering in the space between you. but you've kept it at bay, kept it locked away, because you're not sure you can handle what it means. what it would mean to admit that you feel the same way.

you're scared. scared of what it means to love someone like jamal, someone who feels everything so deeply, who wears his heart on his sleeve and isn't afraid to show it. you're scared of what it means to let yourself be vulnerable, to let yourself feel something so intense, so real.

but now the words are out there, and there's no going back. you can't pretend anymore, can't hide from the truth that's been staring you in the face for so long.

you spend the next few days in a fog, avoiding jamal's texts and calls, not ready to face him, not ready to deal with the fallout. you tell yourself you just need time, that you'll figure it out eventually, but the longer you wait, the more the fear grows, the more the doubt creeps in.

it's a week later when jamal shows up at your door. you're not ready for this, not ready to have the conversation you've been avoiding, but he's here now, and there's no more running.

"we need to talk," he says, his voice steady but gentle, and you know there's no escaping it this time.

you nod, stepping aside to let him in, your heart pounding in your chest. you lead him to the living room, the same place where it all started, and the familiarity of it makes your stomach twist.

you sit down, but jamal stays standing, pacing the length of the room, his hand running through his hair in that way he does when he's anxious. you watch him, the tension between you palpable, the silence heavy.

"i'm sorry," he says finally, stopping to face you. "i didn't mean to put you in this position. i shouldn't have said anything."

you shake your head, the guilt eating at you. "no, it's not your fault. i just... i wasn't ready to hear it."

"i get that," he says, his voice softer now. "but i also can't pretend it's not true, y/n. i can't pretend i don't feel this way about you."

you look away, unable to meet his eyes, the weight of his words pressing down on you. "i'm scared, jamal," you admit, your voice barely more than a whisper. "i'm scared of what it means."

he moves closer, kneeling down in front of you, his hands gently taking yours. "i know," he says, his eyes searching yours. "but we don't have to figure it all out right now. we can take it slow. we can go back to how things were, if that's what you need."

"but it won't be the same," you say, the tears welling up in your eyes. "it's already different."

"maybe," he says, squeezing your hands. "but different doesn't have to be bad. it just means we're moving forward, no?"

you close your eyes, trying to steady your breathing, trying to find the courage to face this. you know he's right, that things can't stay the same, that they've already changed. but maybe that's not the worst thing in the world.

when you finally open your eyes, jamal is still there, his gaze steady and reassuring. he doesn't push, doesn't demand anything from you, just waits, giving you the space to figure out what you want.

"okay," you say finally, the word barely more than a breath. "okay, let's try. but can we... can we take it slow?"

his smile is soft, full of understanding. "we can take it as slow as you need," he promises, and you can hear the sincerity in his voice, the willingness to meet you where you are.

you nod, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. it's still scary, still uncertain, but there's a part of you that feels ready now, ready to face this, ready to let yourself feel.

jamal pulls you into a hug, his arms wrapping around you in that familiar, comforting way, and for the first time in days, you let yourself relax.

you’re not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot, but it's something.

it's a start.