Ghost in the Garden @starlightxfairy - Tumblr Blog

my agenda:

❤︎︎ be kind

❤︎︎ be loving

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i used to go explore abandoned places with friends… go on walks or hikes… i used to bike all by myself… i used to go to the movies by myself.. or eat or spend lots of time by myself if i didnt have friends to go with…

#sigh…#look at me now #what happened #to me #where did what little confidence i have go

And… i find it comical that it was ONE time… he knew i liked the idea… going on walks, biking, etc… that wasn’t new to me before we met… never offered it one on one… only when his parents or maybe if his friends wanted to… otherwise? He had better things to do.

So what…? Im supposed to wait around for scraps of attention or my interests bring brought up—but only if other people want to as well… and if I don’t like being around them or feel comfortable…? Then thats it? I missed my chance? Ugh…

im tired of feeling like i consistently have to defend my existence and wants…

dolltiara

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.

#and i was proven right #they didn’t or dont like me much #not that i blame them or care #but yeah…. i can usually FEEL a dislike even if it isnt outwardly stated or shown in an obvious way

reasons i get in trouble or hated or berated:

i made an off hand comment about wanting to go hiking

#proceeds to be rude and mean about it #why?#because he offered me to go hiking ONE time years ago #i said no for several reasons #a main one was my dog was not feeling well and super stressed #another was…. it was only offered because his parents wanted to go…#i did always feel they didnt like me #at least his mom the most #i was right #ik i was not was envisioned for a possible future daughter in law #she used to criticize my colored and stuff like that #TO MY FACE #and he always made me hide my piercings and not wear certain clothes etc #around his family #:)#i considered but ultimately said no because i wasn’t comfortable going #years later? im still to blame #for everything i guess

i want a Barbie DreamHouse

#don’t i?

well that was not good news oh well

i also want a place that my friends and family could come “home” to.

it wasn’t only about finding a place for myself.

it is another way i wanted to do… good or something…

#i guess thats why i feel like a failure #i haven’t done that yet

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starlightxfairy

I feel conflicted going home because i dont have a job right now. I have dogs. A car. Bills. Id feel too much a burden going back there. Theres no space for me there.

starlightxfairy

Id want to save up some more money first. Since what i have saved is like… emergency funds… but… isnt this an emergency?

starlightxfairy

And then of course ill feel like the biggest failure… but who cares? At least im alive…? trying to do better? Consciously..?

i also…. Really want to get better…

starlightxfairy

I feel conflicted going home because i dont have a job right now. I have dogs. A car. Bills. Id feel too much a burden going back there. Theres no space for me there.

starlightxfairy

Id want to save up some more money first. Since what i have saved is like… emergency funds… but… isnt this an emergency?

#id also have to leave a lot behind….#or put it away for later

I feel conflicted going home because i dont have a job right now. I have dogs. A car. Bills. Id feel too much a burden going back there. Theres no space for me there.

i think im going home

#i don’t see a different way #plus… i should stop being a nuisance here

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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Discovering that David Lynch also loved It’s a Wonderful Life made me feel a strange sense of camaraderie with him. Not intimately but… that movie always made me emotional. Even as I kid. I remember staying up during Christmas to watch it.

swansfairy-deactivated20190523

“You are dripping like a mermaid;”

— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre.

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