moon!

Now, however, he lay on his back in the bright green grass. He blames the heat for his exhaustion, after all, it’s not like he hasn’t built up an above average level of stamina! He just isn’t quite used to being subjected to such high levels of vitamin D, that’s all. The sun relentlessly beats down on his face, as though it's playfully mocking him for giving up so easily. Saeran just smiles back. He knows it won’t be long until MC and Saeyoung realise he has admitted defeat, and he knows that instead of mocking him, they will forget the game altogether and join him in the bed of grass he is resting upon. He knows because they did the same yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that; most of their summer days play out the same way, and though to some it may seem repetitive, he wouldn’t want it any other way. The three of them would never grow tired of a life like this. After all, they had more than earned it.

For now, he admires this time alone, as brief as it will be. It’s not that he likes to be alone, he had spent far too much of his time that way, but he had to admit that this new life could be a little overwhelming at times. He knew without a doubt of course that if he mentioned this to his brother and MC, they would respect his every boundary with no questions asked and would allow him all the time he needed. They had done so the few times he had asked before, and they would always continue to do so. He just supposed he felt somewhat...silly, for asking. He’d spent so many years secretly wishing to be part of a family, and now that he was, he wanted time alone again? He couldn’t make sense of it. 

There were a lot of things he couldn’t make sense of.

Like the fact he was living in the house he had always visited in his dreams, both during the day and on the nights he managed to sleep peacefully. Surely dreams as big as these were supposed to stay as dreams? And the fact he was reunited with his brother, whom he had spent so long hating under the influence of manipulation. He hated that he had ever felt like that, but those feelings had indeed once been a part of him, and he couldn’t just forget that. Now, together, they were living the life his brother had always promised him. He hated that he had doubted Saeyoung, but he had. But maybe that didn’t matter anymore...not now that this is reality. 

And MC… He can hear her voice now, just a little way away, never too far from him. Her laugh is a song on the breeze as she giggles at whatever dumb thing his brother is no doubt doing. Saeran had been such a dark person, and now he was surrounded by a constant light that would never again allow him to forget who he really is. 

A cloud floats over the sun at that exact moment, as though it knows what he’s thinking and is playing a game with him. He takes advantage of this sudden shade and a moment of respite from the relentless rays, and opens his eyes just in time to see a bumble bee buzz right past his face. He wonders where it’s headed; is it off to find the perfect flower to drink sweet nectar from? Or has it already succeeded in its task, and is now on its way home to its queen to whom it happily devotes its entire life to? Was it happy? Did it feel a sense of completion if it lived this way, never thinking for itself, only living to serve? Or was the bee like him? A traitor. Who spends its days longing to pick its own flower, to drink the nectar for himself, and to detach itself from the hive which was much too crowded.

He tries not to linger, and by using the method he had gratefully learned from his therapist, he lets the thoughts pass him by like the bee had done. He instead brings his attention to the way the grass tickles the bare expanse of his arms, and he lets his fingers run through the tall blades. The cloud that had been blocking the sun passes by too as it carries on its way, and forces Saeran to involuntarily bring one arm up to shield his eyes. He can’t see it through the rolled up sleeve of his shirt, but he knows his tattoo is there, like a raincloud against a clear sky.  Perhaps the majority of people who would see it wouldn’t give it a second glance. Just another piece of swirling ink, that’s all it would be to them. They wouldn’t know what it stood for, or what it said he was. What it meant he had been. No, the majority of people wouldn’t know. But his family would. He can’t help but to wonder what they must think of it. He’d caught Saeyoung glancing at it a lot when he thought he wasn’t looking during those first few rocky weeks. Saeran knows deep down he was probably just bewildered by the concept of his brother with a tattoo at all, regardless of its origin. He knows Saeyoung would never link who Saeran is now to the place the tattoo symbolised...but the fear still lingered. He hated feeling like a monster.

MC made sure to kiss his tattoo whenever she saw it, and in the golden hours when all the world was silent as she laid in the same galaxy as he did, she would trace its curves and thorns with a tenderness he wasn’t sure he was worthy of. He knows she had never shied away from it, it didn’t scare her or torment her or serve as a constant reminder of the person he had once been to her, and the way he had treated her. As far away as that lifetime had been, it could never be forgotten. The tattoo made sure of that. But MC had once told him that although it was a reminder of his past, that wasn’t a bad thing. She had said that it was proof that he had grown, just like the flowers. To her, he was a flower. 

To him, she was a field of them. 

His thoughts wander to the flowers he loves so much now. He considers their roots, the way they battle and fight through the endless darkness and the dirt, the way they look so fragile, but to the flower, they are unbelievably strong. It must be so hard for them to grow, but eventually, all their hard work pays off. And that first glimmer of sunlight the sprout gets to see must feel incredible. That hope. That knowledge that they had done well. The roots remain below in the soil, but now they can breathe. Perhaps Saeran was like that. Perhaps his tattoo was similar to those flower roots. And perhaps roots could be pretty, too. The way they tangle and intertwine, that could be art too. 

“There you are, buttercup.”

Just like that, MC is all he can see as she stands above him, leaning over slightly so her head lines up perfectly with his. He can't stop himself from giggling a little at the pet name she had called him, and that drop of laughter alone was enough to carry away all his previous thoughts. She shines as brightly as the sun, and he sees all the things he loves reflected within her tender eyes. All he knows is this; her, this garden in which he lays surrounded by all the things which he knows returns his love, and his brother, who has also made his way over and is now leaning over him alongside MC. 

"Oh, so Saeran falls over and he gets called pretty names, but when I fall over, all you do is laugh?" 

"Saeran's just taking a well deserved break, YOU tripped over the bubble machine I warned you at least 10 times about, you deserved it."

 Saeran is alone. He had long ago grown used to being alone, and now he felt the most at ease when he was by himself, in the hours when he knew no one else was around to see his weaknesses and the insecurities that were always lit up like a neon sign behind his eyes. He enjoyed being alone, but the inevitable loneliness that managed to creep up on him without fail every time he was alone made him want to run far and far away. But every silver lining has its cloud, and Saeran, being as smart as he is, knew there would never be anywhere for him ro run to. In this moment, Saeran is alone, but he isn’t lonely. The darkness, though he is sure that’s all it is and all it has ever been, feels like a friend. It remains silent, watching, though Saeran knows it is never judging. That’s why he has always found it so easy to be comforted by the darkness, to melt it into it, until he can’t remember where the darkness ends and he begins. Intertwined - with the emptiness he came from, the emptiness he belongs to. The darkness hides him. Him, and everything he is, everything he has ever been and never will be. It sees him, though for once, that doesn’t scare him. He knows he can be himself within the darkness, though in reality, he has no choice. He is simply too tired to hide it now.

No, the darkness is not empty, not as his heart had once been, is usually for that matter, but right now he doesn’t feel it; the infinite, endless cavern of depression he can't help but fall and fall and fall into. There is no escape, for it exists within him. It is him, this nightmare he can’t awake from. His heart is a blackhole. Perhaps this, the ocean of nothingness that exists many lifetimes away from all human creation, this is the perfect place for a creature like him to reside. There is nothing for him to destroy here, nothing for him to tarnish with the breaths he can’t help but to take. He is something to be feared. But perhaps here, in a place as wholly consuming as this, in an atmosphere which plucks his every thought from him like they are naught but weeds in a flowerbed, the inevitable ache which demands to be felt cannot find him.

In this moment, in this place, he cannot feel the heavy burden of his heart. This is a welcome escape from the anguish of his daily routine. In fact, Saeran can’t feel very much of anything else either. Not the untamable wisps of his hair that usually torment the corners of his always tired eyes, not the ache in his bones from the repeating days in which his body is stuck in its chair whilst his mind runs at the speed of light, or the pounding in his head that refuses to cease. He can’t even feel the rips and tears in the skin of his fingertips, which usually serve as a  constant reminder of his own weakness and lack of self control. He feels none of it. He feels...nothing. Like the darkness within which he is encased, he is still.

Saeran tries to recall how it was he wound up here, wherever here is, and vaguely remembers the ghosts of his tears as they ran down his cheeks, and the way their rhythmic flow ebbed him to sleep. His head had been resting on a pillow dampened by the tears he’d cried an hour or a day or a year before, and the night sky visible through the glass ceiling above him had seemed to be inviting him to rest with it.

That must be where he is now. Dreaming, his mind wandering as his body rests, safe. But if his body was resting beneath the stars, then where were they now?

Open your eyes.

 Saeran hears a voice say, or does he? It’s hard to tell if the words had manifested from the darkness, or if he had simply imagined them himself from the newly relaxed state of his mind. All he knows is that those words had sounded unimaginably pretty. They were a sound unlike any he had ever heard before, even lovelier than windchimes, and sirens singing in a storm. They had felt like kisses from a butterfly gliding past his skin. Regardless of the origin of the words, he feels as though he has no choice but to obey. He isn’t sure he is even in control of his own actions now, and though he hadn’t realised they had even been closed;

he opens his eyes.

An uncountable amount of stars had suddenly filled all of eternity. They are shining in all their seraphic glory, as they dance and dance with themselves and with each other, a cacophony of love, a symphony of light. They are beautiful in a way that nothing else is, and nothing else could ever dream to be. They intertwine with one another, forming families of constellations and creating a sight like nothing Saeran had ever imagined possible. They light up the world, and for the first time, Saeran can see it as it stretches for miles and miles, a whole galaxy of possibilities. Each one twinkles and sparkles in greeting. To his surprise, Saeran can feel their excitement; they are excited to see him. Their colours fill his soul, and he aches to be one of them. 

And there, like a lighthouse within the storm of the ocean, is the moon. Like a forgotten lover, she calls to him. One look is all it takes and he is mesmerized, completely and utterly lost in the light of her glow. 

Saeran.

The voice was a breeze blowing softly through him, and it called his name with such tenderness, such care, possibly even… love? Now wouldn’t that be a strange sort of thing. Love, for a nightmare like him? Yes, he mustn’t let him himself forget, even in the paradise of a place like this, he was a nightmare within a dream, a beast amongst beauty, and the blackhole of his heart would tear this goodness to shreds. He couldn’t let that happen. No, as much as he wanted to stay, and oh, did he want to stay, he wouldn’t let himself be this selfish. He wouldn’t watch his happiness be ripped from him again. He had to leave, had to get out, had to find a way to wake up, had to-

Saeran.

He hears it again, and this time he realises the voice is definitely feminine. The way she says his name holds him captive. He hadn’t been able to feel a thing, now all of a sudden he feels her, and the warmth in her glow. He feels her surrounding him. He feels her hands, as though one was stroking his cheek and another tangles itself in his hair, grounding him, but never trapping him.

Oh, Little Prince. My cloud wanderer. My star wonderer.

He melts into her soothing touch as though there is no other choice. Her light finds its way to his every corner, lighting him up from the inside, and extracting all his fear. It reminds him that this is where he exists in the present. All that matters is this moment. He hadn’t realised in his sudden calmness that his eyes had closed themselves again, shying away from the light as he was used to doing, until he hears her say;

Look. Look at all of your stars. They shine for you and only you. With each breath you take, you grant life to a new star. They exist because you exist. This is your galaxy.

Her words were a command his soul did not possess the ability to disobey, as though she retained complete control over him, and so he opens his eyes and looks. He tries to take it all in; the words of which their truth he feels in some deep, unexplored part of his soul, and the billions of lights, each one its own individual life, all shining for and because of him. If he had been on earth right now the truth of it all would have brought him to his knees. He feels like he is falling. How...how could all of this exist for him? How could a creature like him even pretend to be worthy-

Let go, my love. You are not falling, but flying.

He wants to let go, has been trying for it seemed the entirety of his existence, but the weight of his heart was an anchor to the world with which he no longer wanted to have anything to do, especially not now. Not after seeing exactly where it was his soul could escape to.

A heart is a heavy burden indeed. And yet you handle yours so well, little one. My starlit dreamer, to love as you do is a wondrous thing. Flowers grow to meet your smile. Birds sing their joy when they feel your presence. A soul as pure as yours, and a star as sweet as you, well, it’s no surprise the weight of the love in your heart made you sink, and the Earth claimed you for itself.

He feels it now. The pull of the night. The song of the stars that matched the one his soul had been singing alone for so long. He is a star. A star with a heart too full of love. And it had caused him to fall to the Earth.

You have become earthbound, and now so many worlds exist within yours, within you, within the wonders of your eyes.

Although of course the truth is shocking, more than anything, he feels a wave of welcomed understanding wash over him. He is as calm as the night. He hasn’t learnt a new truth, it’s more like unlocking a very old memory. But it is a truth nonetheless, and one he hopes he can carry with him. A truth he hopes he will be able to recall on those recurring nights of agony, when it felt as though all the world were against him. 

You know who you are in your heart, little one. You have survived until now. You have been brave, and you will be braver still. The stars have already written your name amongst theirs, and there it will always remain. Your home is only a dream away.

Then why, he wants to scream. If his home is amongst the stars and the love and the light of the galaxy, if he is so special to them, then why is he cursed to a life of pain and heartache? Why can’t he remain here, where for the first time in his life he feels loved and like he has an understanding of the world, he has a grasp on the workings and intricacies of life, and he doesn’t feel like he’s on the cusp of letting go? 

The Earth needs you, precious one. There are lives you are going to save and smiles you’re going to bring to so, so many people. They need you. And they will love you more than you could ever imagine. Your struggles make you stronger, so that your heart may find the hearts of those that need you, and in turn you may pass on your wisdom and your love to save them. And every time they look up at the stars, on the painful nights as you have, they will see you there, shining brightly, and they will know they are safe. They will know they are loved. They will know there is a world out there waiting for them, and there are lives for them to save in turn. 

You know the truth of who you are. You will carry that truth with you for always, it is not something your soul can forget. When the days are hard and the nights are long, remember that you are loved by stars both up here, and stars that are like you, whose overflowing hearts have caused them to fall through the night and land upon the Earth. You need each other, and together, you will shine across every darkened corner of a land that feels lost. Discover it. Discover yourself, and the weight of the love within you. 

I will always be with you, dear one. The stars in your eyes are the tears in mine, and though there may be little rest for the moon, your existence will never be a burden to me. I exist to guide you through the night. 

Saeran feels himself growing sleepy; not tired, as though it is torture to his eyes to keep them open. Not exhausted, as though even sleep isn’t enough to fix him. But safe, warm, full of love and of light, as though he himself were just a little cloud floating carelessly through the sky.

Rest now, my angel. Tomorrow, your eyes will once again light up the sun. For now, may you rest, and allow me to take on your worries. Whenever your heart bubbles over with fear, may your dreams carry you home, where we will always be waiting.