STARKED

↳ 24.01: everyone’s favorite idiots in love seeing Raphaël Guerreiro’s goal and immediately doing the most sensible thing they could think of: leaping into each other’s arms and holding on for dear life

↳ 02.02: Manu waxing poetic about his special bond with his decade partner in an interview with Bild

↳ 03.02: Thomas reaches his milestone 500th win with Bayern and Manu makes damn sure the entire team celebrates it (including Thomas who’s trying to be all modest about it)

↳ 24.02: alllll the post-match snuggles after a win against Leipzig

↳ 05.03: because no Bayern win is complete without a celebratory cuddle

↳ 18.05: Manu & Thomas hold hands after their match vs. TSG Hoffenheim

↳ 15.06: the decade partners attend the Adidas Three Stripes Festival together, as German law intended

↳ 17.06: Manu discusses his close relationship with Thomas during a Euros press conference

↳ 06.07: comforting each other after Germany is knocked out of their Heim-EM

↳ 15.07-21.08: Germany’s dads proving they’re the ultimate package deal by retiring from international duty within a month of each other

↳ 29.07: dare I say the reunion of the decade?!

↳ 29.08: gentle parenting tf out of Jamal

↳ 01.09: Thomas scores during his 710th competitive match for FC Bayern and Manu runs the length of the pitch to celebrate with him 🥰 complete with an almost-kiss because it wouldn’t be Neuller if there wasn’t one. And of course we can’t forget Manu’s post-match presser where all he did was talk about Thomas:

or how Thomas thanked him for celebrating the milestone with him

↳ 02.09: the ultimate neuller canon event: Thomas ✨confirms✨ he’s been married to Manu for 15 years and Manu pens a 4-paragraph love letter to him on the same day. But wait! There’s more! Manu also gives Thomas a “surprise” gift (and no, it’s not his questionable acting skills) to commemorate his 710th match for Bayern

↳ 14.10: Manu and Thomas’ DFB sendoff Rudi Völler officiates the Neuller wedding vow renewal ceremony (those who get it GET it)

↳ 26.11: a little spooning after a match against PSG

Bayern official finally understands:

"No wait Manu you were supposed to run to the goal."

Manu "I did."

Son with mom: 😮‍💨 Son with dad: 😊

Neuer x Müller 🥰

Right? Everything’s so easy and natural with them. And while I don’t mind a bit of wishful thinking myself, the bond Manu and Thomas have is so authentic and genuine that it’s hard not to get a least a little sappy about them. And there’s just. so. much. lore. Even setting aside the iconic decade partners Instagram post and Thomas saying they’ve been married for 15 years, we’ve had so many moments that just really only make sense with them. Like when Thomas named one of his colts Manuel because he was born on Manu’s birthday, or how, during Bayern’s dominant 2012/13 season, Thomas would train with Manu during matches to keep his reflexes sharp. Or, well, just about any of what they said about each other here:

And, along those lines, sometimes they say things that just have such old married couple undertones that it’s genuinely hard to interpret them any other way, like the time reporters asked Manu if he would go golfing with Thomas at the DFB training camp and he replied with “I can’t golf. I could carry his luggage or whatever.” Or the time Thomas was asked about Manu’s perfect match against Porto back in his Schalke days and he immediately remembered his platinum blonde hair from back then. And then of course there’s the time Manu said Thomas was more than a teammate for him (aka Neuller heritage).

We also can’t forget when the two were decorating Bayern’s Christmas tree in 2015 and Thomas asked Manu if he holds onto the ornament baubles as tightly as he would a match ball (translation: Thomas wanted Manu to hold onto his baubles tightly 😏). Or how, when asked about whether or not Thomas would like to be Bayern’s official captain one day, Thomas was quick to reply, “I hope not. I’ve always tried to take responsibility in the team, but Manu is very welcome to remain my captain until the end of my career.” (in case you needed more proof that these two were robbed).

But that married couple-ness isn’t just in their words; it’s in their actions too. Take any of the times they’ve held hands during matches, or all the loving face cradling, head rubs, and head pats. And of course, the hugs. The many, many hugs. Especially from the side, so Thomas can grab onto Manu’s waist.

Also, I refuse to let any of you overlook that time Thomas gave Manu a full-on neck message in the tunnel (which, I might add, Manu was so unfazed by that it’s hard not to wonder if this had happened before).

And while we’re at it, talking about niche Neuller moments and all, there was that time they might very well have kissed behind a poorly-timed German flag back in 2010. And all their other Euro 2012 qualifier shenanigans that same year.

Fast-forwarding a bit to the 2012/13 season, and we were in for a treat; we had Thomas pulling a Luis Suárez and going in for a little nibble on Manu’s arm. Because not even the great Thomas Müller is immune to the cute aggression Manuel Neuer inspires.

Also, what about the time Manu got absolutely piss-drunk during the treble celebrations that same season and decided he needed to hug Thomas IMMEDIATELY? Or how we got the closest thing to an actual kiss we might ever get when Thomas kissed him on the cheek here?

Honestly, 2013 was Bayern’s year in more ways than one, because not only did it bring us the treble, it also brought us this iconic verse in the Neuller gospel:

But let’s get back to the way they talk about one another, because it doesn’t matter what the situation is—they always back each other. Before the 2014 World Cup even started (and Manu all but fingered him during the post-win festivities), he was already convinced Thomas would be the key to their success—a sentiment that carried over to club level, where he insisted Thomas was the linchpin in Bayern’s attack.

With Manu, it’s often the little things that speak volumes, like trusting in Thomas’ fitness, his ability to influence a match, and his importance for Bayern. He’s quick to remind everyone that Thomas always stands up for the team, that he’s dangerous regardless of position, and that his constant communication is a game-changer. As Manu would put it, “we (Bayern) need Thomas”.

Even when Thomas fell out of favor at Bayern for a time, Manu rushed to his defense, reminding everyone that “he’s a mature player who doesn’t buckle so easily”, and, despite dealing with a lot of criticism, Thomas remained important for the squad and was always in demand (in one way or another). Put another way, he had faith that Thomas could handle it.

For Thomas’ part, he has no problem casually reminding everyone that he thinks Manu is the number 1 goalkeeper in the world, that he makes a good striker, and, even though there are many good goalkeepers, Manu is special—just a step above the others and superb on the ball.

When his mans was shafted for FIFA World Player of the Year in 2015, Thomas knew just what to say: even if Manu didn’t win, he was the FIFA World Player in his heart. In fact, his decade partner was pretty much the reason Thomas felt so confident going into Bayern’s 2020 Champions League tie versus PSG; after all, in his words, “we’ll still have Manuel Neuer between the sticks”, a sentiment he echoed after they won.

And let’s not forget about that time a reporter asked Thomas to weigh in on the debate of who should be Germany’s number 1: Neuer or Ter Stegen. Thomas’ answer was immediate: “It’s a difficult decision, of course, but Manu has always been my goalkeeper. That’s why I’m standing by him.” Long story short, they’re always in each other’s corners, and they make no secret of it.

The point is, even when they make mistakes, they’re each other’s most fervent protectors. If the world is against them, then at least they still have each other and always will. Take Manu conceding against Gladbach, a team many would consider to be our goatkeeper’s kryptonite; Thomas was quick to remind the media that he’d saved Bayern’s points plenty of times in the past, and that this time, he just didn’t have as much to do before the goal and was probably a bit cold at the time.

Then you’ve got Manu on the other side of the things, supporting his husband’s rights and his husband’s wrongs, speculating that his red card (yes that one) was because he didn’t see Tagliafico and pretty much already had his foot up, aiming for the ball.

Hell, even when Manu was out of commission for a majority of the 2022/23 season (due to his nearly career-ending injury), Thomas visited him in rehab every day, no doubt for emotional support (and so he could tell his husband his best dad jokes). Although Manu was away from the squad physically, he was there in spirit; Thomas made sure of that, posting Manu’s autograph card from that season above his locker:

But it’s more than sticking around in each other’s darkest moments; they celebrate each other’s achievements too. Whenever Manu wins anything (and I mean anything), guess who’s first in line to congratulate him. It doesn’t matter if it’s World’s Best Goalkeeper, best goalkeeper of the 2019/20 Champions League season, FIFPro World 11, or even his DFB Pokal performance, Thomas will be posting about it (and probably already has). It doesn’t even have to be football-related, like when Manu was awarded the Bavarian State Medal for Social Merit for his charity work. Hell, even when Manu was one of the 3 FIFA World Footballer of the Year finalists, he was overwhelmed with pride (chill babe, the results weren’t even in yet). But by far my favorite instance of these two celebrating each other’s victories actually came from Manu: when he made sure the squad celebrated Thomas’ milestone 500th win with Bayern and refused to let him even try to be modest about it.

Honestly, let’s face it: we could make an entire separate post about all of the Neuller content that came out of Thomas’ 500th win. We had Manu running the length of the pitch to celebrate Thomas’ goal in that milestone match, Manu’s comments in his post-match presser, Thomas’ special thank you to Manu after the fact, the “married for 15 years” comment, and a new Neuller ad where Manu gave Thomas a special anniversary gift…there was so much content that it was almost overwhelming. We were so well fed that week 🥹

Also, speaking of Manu’s comments in his post-match pressers, I’m pretty sure at least a good 1/4 of Manu’s love language is praising Thomas in them, as you can see here, here, here, and here. The rest is him basically reciting his glorified wedding vows to anyone who will listen (and physical touch, duh).

Then you’ve got Thomas turning every Instagram story he can into him gushing over his Schnapper’s skills:

And he has no problem following Manu’s lead either, waxing poetic about his man in post-match interviews.

For as much praise as they heap on one another to the press though, they’re also no strangers to openly flirting with each other as well, if you couldn’t tell from that video from the Audi FCB Tour at the beginning. So, in that spirit, lovely people of the jury, I present to you exhibit A, where Manu told Thomas he’d “given himself a present 😉” after his 400th Bundesliga appearance (whatever tf that means).

Alright, now onto exhibit B: Thomas posting a picture with his two dogs and Manu asking “who’s more handsome”, only for Thomas to answer, “you, dog 😀”. Get a room you two!

Oh, you need more evidence, you say? Well, I’ve got you covered. Have a pic of Thomas brazenly checking out Manu’s ass, because not even he can resist the biggest bakery in Germany.

What’s that? You still need more? Well, aren’t you demanding! But don’t worry, there’s more blatant homoeroticism to come, because here we have exhibit D, where Thomas called doubles tennis with Manu “a dream come true”:

Actually, speaking of doubles tennis with Manu, I’m pretty sure this clip was the inspiration for the movie Challengers. The DFB has yet to confirm this of course, but I have no doubt that that confirmation is coming any day now 😉

Anyways, Neuller is so real and so powerful that at one point Bayern just caved and started funding some club-sanctioned dates. Usually they’re chaperoned (because Bayern might be a little homophobic with it—either that or they don’t trust Thomas not to try and conquer Manu any time they’re left to their own devices—it’s a toss-up really) by the likes of Basti, Mats, or even half the squad (see: 2022 Audi Summer Games). But not always. Sometimes we get Schafkopf dates (because they’re literal senior citizens and their date nights are just them playing cutesy little card games like the old bitties they are).

But anyways, back to our regularly scheduled shipping nonsense, because we still have exhibit E to go through: one day Thomas decided to make Manu’s goalkeeper training a little extra special by showing up shirtless (pretty sure the point of goalkeeper training is to keep him focused, not distract him with your lean, muscular body, Thomas, but I digress):

And lastly, I believe this gem deserves at least an honorable mention:

Let’s take a minute for Manu’s “Schnapper” nickname as well, which, although it may not be one that originated with Thomas, I think we can all agree he’s made it his own. After all, he uses it pretty much every time he talks about him.

As a brief little side note though (I feel like a lawyer giving my closing statements atp 😅), I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that Thomas literally follows a Neuller fan account. Whether it’s intentional on his part or not, it’s still a fun addition to the lore.

So, in conclusion, if not romantic ship, why romantic ship-shaped? 🥺 I’m with you; in another universe, perhaps one not so distant from ours, they got married and grew old together, settling into a house in the mountains, surrounded by horses and doggos. I’m just glad they found each other in this universe at least, because, as it turns out, a Schalker and a Bayern Ultra make one hell of a dream team ❤️

“hahahaah we won yaaaas!” *looks at thomas* *leans in for a kiss*