A Day in the Dreams of a stranger ⭐

Made worse by the fact that the job I'm in NOW, makes me wanna die 🙃

I'm here again.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard, right?

I want you to change. I want to give you a chance. I want more from this.

After all the bullshit and the trauma, and everything we've been through and built on, I'm reluctant to let go.

But there's a problem here, see.

Because I feel like I need to leave you.

You don't care for yourself.

You don't realise that your breath smells most of the time, nor that your teeth are pretty unpleasant, because for one you won't look in a mirror and see that, and for another, you don't care.

You don't bother to clean your own messes. I have lost count of how many fucking times I've had to clean after you, because you don't notice (or worse and more disgusting) you don't care. It's gross.

You're so fucking irresponsible.

It shouldn't fall to me to remember to do everything for the house. We missed the black bin and now have to wait till next year to get it emptied. Yes, I forgot. But I was fucking ill that night, and again, it shouldn't always be my goddamn responsibility to remember everything.

You don't care about living in a clean, tidy, house. You have no house pride at all. You certainly don't have the initiative to realise the hob needs a proper clean.

I'm so tired.

So fucking tired of this.

It's hard work, every day..

I don't know what's left in me to love you anymore. I sometimes wonder why and if I really did.

I gave up so much, changed so many things in my life for this.

Remind me what you've done for me?

I don't think I've trusted you since you let me down on the cottage. Any trust I had in you then was shattered.

I'm tired of this, all of it.

Of you, of us.

But fuck, I don't want to move home again. I can't afford to live here alone.

If I could, I'd likely have to work full time. Then pupper would be alone so much more, and that just isn't fair.

I fucking hate this.

I fucking hate this vicious cycle I've become trapped in.

Ha.

Shit.

I trapped myself again.

I'm feeling very lost again.

It only takes realising how much I'm fucked to set me off spiralling again.

Im panicking.

I want to cry and scream and breakdown.

But at the same time,

I feel completely numb. I'm empty, like there's a hollow pit in my chest.

I keep cycling through these feelings, as my anxiety hits and depression takes over.

I hate this.

Why can't I just be responsible?

How did I get into such debt?

Why'd I let this happen?

Fuck.

Fuck!

Honestly, I think I fucking hate you.

I'm not even sure if there's any love still left in me.

You're lazy, irresponsible, unwilling to change and stuck in your own little bubble.

Your job has been screwing you about for years and still only has you part time.

"oh I'll talk to them about extra days"

You've been saying that for 4 years at least.

You refuse to fucking grow up and be responsible.

Learn how to fucking call people, arrange things, learn how to fucking open a savings account!

Fucking learn how to budget, and stop blowing your entire payslip on the day you get it on useless shit you're never gonna use.

Stop complaining that you've got no money a week before payday.

Stop relying on me to drive you everywhere, because you're too lazy and irresponsible to get your licence.

Fucking grow up.

It shouldn't always be on me.

You're not even affectionate. Or loving. Or thoughtful.

What kind of partner are you?

I keep planning how to leave you.

The lease here ends in just a few months.

You're such a fucking tool.

You sold me a lie and ruined my fucking life. I should have ended it with you when you bailed on the London trip.

You know-

The one we planned for over a month.

The one you were so excited to come with me.

The one you kept putting off paying your share.

The one you fucking lied to me about.

The one you said you didn't want to go on, not even a week beforehand!

And a year later you screwed me again.

The day before we were to get the keys to a perfect rental cottage, near home, adorable, allowed pets, had parking, and fucking decide THEN to admit you lied about your money.

You didn't have any to pay the fees.

You fucking led me on and lied to me.

Why the fuck have I put up with your bullshit for so long?!

I know why.

Because I don't want to be alone.

Because I can't afford to live here alone.

Because I don't want to move back to my parents.

Because I don't want to admit I was wrong.

Fuck you.

Lately I'm finding it hard to do anything.

There are so many things I want to be doing;

Drawing, playing video games, reading my new book, walking Pup... But I just can't get myself to actually act on these things.

I just sink into this passive state, watch videos and scroll through social media.

Really, it's very unfulfilling.

It makes me stop and wonder

"is my depression getting worse?"

I haven't ever been prescribed antidepressants. Recently I wonder if I should ask for some. I just hate feeling this complete lack of motivation.

These are things I enjoy doing.

Or maybe I used to enjoy.

I think I'm getting more Apathetic with time.

It's not nice.

I'm either like this, not feeling anything,

Or my anxiety ramps it up, and I'm feeling too much

I'm not sure what to do.

I'm just trying to organise my thoughts.

Maybe.

Or maybe just venting.

I don't know.

Of someone I haven't thought about,

In this particular way, anyway,

For nearly 6 years.