What we need to learn from the Aziz Ansari clusterfuck
This is not actually an article about him, the claw, or anything to do with the night in question that we are all reading about this weekend. I wasn’t there. We haven’t heard his account, and so I have no right, nor inclination, to comment.
But it has indeed sparked an interesting conversation about consent, both technical and more importantly, emotional, and how vital it is to read the room and make sure the other person is not just willing, but damn well enthusiastic. Especially, in my opinion, if that person is the one to be penetrated. You want to enter them. You best ensure you are a welcome guest, not someone who just begged, pressured, guilt-tripped or harassed their way inside.
There are men I know who are respectful and patient in sexual scenarios, who I daresay are actually turned off if a woman isn’t very obviously enjoying herself. These men are sadly the exception, not the norm.
Our society has mislead men. We have allowed pornography to continuously promote that narrative that a woman is a hole for a man to enjoy when and how he feels like it. Very rarely is a woman’s needs paid much/any attention to in porn, and when it is, it’s often illustrated as the woman just happening to enjoy whatever the man does, even if she doesn’t at first, without fail, she always comes round to his brilliant idea, and is the good sport we all hoped she would be.
A lot of pornography is dedicated, quite literally, to the thrill being how much a woman literally didn’t want to have sex at all and how he did it, really violently, anyway. What is going on? Â
Then we have music videos where the girls are always practically naked and performing rehearsed dance routines for the men, who are sitting there on their arses, sometimes in outdoor winter layers, doing nothing other than enjoying their needs being met.
Then you have music lyrics which went from, “Try a little tenderness,” to MURDER THAT PUSSY. BEAT THAT PUSSY UP. PUT THAT PUSSY IN A TOASTER. SHRED THE PUSSY AND PUT IT IN THE BIN. THROW THE PUSSY OUT THE WINDOW. FLUSH THE PUSSY DOWN THE TOILET.
(Poor old pussy having a terrible time.)
Our society, the internet, and even our most mainstream media, constantly perpetuate the idea that men do not need to worry about what our needs and boundaries are. They just need technical consent, however that consent is acquired.
CONSENT SHOULDN’T BE THE GOLD STANDARD. That should be the basic foundation. Built upon that foundation should be fun, mutual passion, equal arousal, interest and enthusiasm. And it is any man or woman’s right at ANY time to stop, for whatever reason.
We also need to reassure women that their fear of being thought of as “difficult” “awkward” or god forbid, “frigid,” should be completely eradicated, effective immediately. These are stereotypes created by the patriarchy, about women, to rather astonishingly, douse women in shame for feeling ownership over their own bodies and moving at a pace they are comfortable with. If you think that he won’t call you again because you weren’t ready to meet his sexual needs on his schedule, then HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH. Women have traditionally been taught to please, to placate and to avoid embarrassing a man. This has to stop, and it has to come from us. If a man asks you to put his penis in your mouth, and you don’t want to, but you do it because you want him to call you again, you are doing yourself a disservice and have to accept some responsibility. If he is not actively pressuring you, but you feel pressured by his eagerness, desperation, or the fear of his disappointment, then it is frankly on YOU to say no and act in honour of your needs. (Obviously in a situation where you feel in any danger at all, this is a completely different case.)
It is fairly modern for women to be allowed to choose who they marry. It is very modern for women to be “allowed” to have casual sex. It is extremely modern for women to ask to have their needs met and for that to be considered an achievement for a man. WHAT EVEN IS FAKING AN ORGASM? What does that say about women’s attitudes towards their role in the bedroom? “I’m going to congratulate him for something he didn’t take the time or make the effort to do?!”  Women’s magazines forever, constantly writing about “how to please him” Very few men’s magazines with titles about “how to give her the orgasm of her life.”
The subliminal messaging is thorough and it is constant.
If a woman is not enjoying herself thoroughly, throughout your entire sexual engagement, and is not delighted about all the things your are doing together, then STOP. YOU ARE FAILING. This should not be your idea of fun. This is not sex. This is just a wank, you are using another body for, regardless of her needs or desires.
Women must learn that “no” is a right, not a privilege.
I hope one day more young women in the public eye, in music videos and on instagram, use their platforms, when being sexual, to promote a balanced approach to arousal, one that promotes pleasure for both parties involved.
I hope men stop singing about putting pussies in blenders and making Pussy humus out of them, or whatever.
I hope the men (who don’t already) actually realise and come to terms with the fact that porn is a bullshit fantasy and learning sex from pornography is like learning how to drive from The Fast and the Furious. A terrible idea.
And I also hope men start to understand one day, that women have been oppressed since the beginning of time. We are only just starting to find our voices and demand equality. Do not abuse our conditioning to bend to your whims. Especially in the bedroom.
“erm…Ok” shouldn’t be encouragement enough for you.
You can and must do better.
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