Serenenesss

Love. Often people ask what does it mean to you? The more I tried to describe it I see that I can't. It's not a meaning, it's when you look upon their face and know how their day was. It's when you do things out of habit because you know it makes your someone's day just that much better. It's knowing where to place a soft kiss and get a smile. It's in that smile when fingers brush lightly upon some memories. Love, it's the closest thing we have to magic. It's breaking the chains on the curses with true loves kiss kind of love. It's racing down hellfire and battle scars that once bled like that of a red river, for just one moment more. It's a hole that's left when you know they no longer walk this earth, a never ending wait for them to walk through that door. It's in that knot that forms when you hear that laughter come out of that mouth that has loved you all over. That mouth that has taken its time to understand your every curve. It's looking for them in every face you see and waiting to talk to them again. Love is just that, love.

People always seem to refer to life as someone that beats you down. Why is it I never seem to be able to keep my feet on the ground? I feel this constant free fall. It's like I'm only this tall and just missed the mark. Shit can be cruel and dark just awful and gloomy. I feels this wheel in my head turning and turning. Showing scenes over and over again the times Ive failed, the times I've tried my hardest where I gave it my very all. Where I let her down and shackled her to the walls of my vulnerability only to have it torn down. I feel this wheel showing every time I've had to understand yet again i just wasn't enough. I feel the tired pulls of each muscle of that little man pushing that wheel. Day in and day out non stop pushing that wheel. The only thing he can think and do and breathe and feel is that wheel. Because if he doesn't? That wheel would stop, it wouldn't play the pictures anymore of any memories. Not the failures, not the times I wasn't enough, not the times I was hurt physically and emotionally, not the times things just didn't work out, things that just happen just because. But. They wouldn't play the happy times, the good times, the times that get me up in the morning, the times that make each day a better day. Gone goes that feeling of happiness that makes her laugh oh so deeply. Gone would go that essence I live by the being I stand for in my core. Gone forever. That wheel can't ever stop spinning it can't give up it can't. Life isn't a someone it's a force of nothing that leaves you free falling always and never ending. It's those moments that count that make those other catastrophes just that more bearable. That man holds the weight of the world on his shoulders and arms and back. He knows the wheel just needs to keep going. Forget the headaches you get from feeling this wheel turn and turn. Forget that it keeps you up at night tossing and turning till you pass out and it follows you into your dreams. Forget how alone all this makes you feel and keep going. What else can you do? Give up again. Try again to close your eyes and stop the wheel yourself. Say fuck this why bother? It's never enough, it's never right, she's always faulted so who cares? Why suffer day in and day out for who? She pushes and pushes and tries to be everything asked of her but it's wrong it's not the right way. So what is? It's why she chooses to stand still the wheels already running everyday. And everyday she's still just know that wheel is turning.

The day was ending as no other talking to this senior guy as a freshman i was giddy. I was signed in aol and just another day like any other talkin to my people while i could. I heard the car pull in like clockwork it was 6:30 my stomach almost rumbled i could almost smell dinner gettin started. They didn't come up yet. Then what seemed like forever my mother comes in. Looking distraught in a way ive never seen her almost foreign. All she says is "dont listen to your father hes crazy ". Like a storm he comes raging in a way ive never seen my father. Like posiedon controling a tsunami. He destroys everything. Our tree that we worked so hard on, our lights thats we spent our time putting up, my mothers doll collection she holds so close to her heart. One. By. One. The computer i was just sitting at, every single thing he could get his hands on. I watched like a horror movie i couldnt turn off or turn away from. I hear my mother scream " please jose not infront of your daughters" "i dont give a fuck!" I was frozen with mixtures of fear and anger. Confusion and wanting to understand. I look in a direction i hadnt before and i see my innocent little nephew looking more scared than me and my sister who looks as frozen as i feel. A feeling ignited like a lighter and i grabbed my nephews, mother and sister and went into the room. Ignoring the crash and boom ringing in my ears as our house was being destroyed. Once i reached my room like a movie i pushed my bed infront of the door after i locked it and pushed everything infront of it and tried to calm my babies. They were so scared all i could whisper is that its okay. With everything rushing in my mind i felt my cheeks were wet worried now there might be a leak only to catch my reflection and see i too have been crying. My mask i thought was strong and holding on, came crashing down. I felt my body try to give in to this feeling but i had to be strong. As i looked over to my mother i knew i had to be the strong one here. Just then the storm was at my door. Boom. Boom. Boom. "Let me in, ill fucking kill you" he screams. Hes met with silence from me and screams from my nephews. This is the aftershock of the storm i pray so hard he just goes. He breaks through the door made his way in and yells at my mother "i want a divorce" and the storm is gone jus like that. Like it was never there but the evidence is there in everything it took with it. I almost gave in to the numbness but like a person in charge the job wasnt done until everyone was safe. I called my older sister and told her she needed to come home and everything that happened. I tried to keep back the sobs. Poorly probably. Good she was on her way. As we tried to pick up the pieces my mother looked hollow. I couldnt feel her there anymore as she looked at everything she loved destroyed and he took yet another thing. My other family got there and i hadnt even noticed everything coming and going in pieces. I just want to feel the softness of a pillow and the day like it never happened. As i turned my back i hear commotion in my moms room she locked herself in the closet they have pills they say. No mom please i pray. They get the door open and knock the pills out and she falls to the floor. They surround my mother and i cant get to her i pray harder and harder hoping he hears me right now i need him. I grab the phone dial 911 and im paralyzed with fear and i dont know how to explain whats goin on. "My mom might be dying" is all i manage. My sister grabs the fone and takes charge and the rest of the night is a blur after she is taken away. I dont know if the house was picked up, i dont know if everyone went home. I heard voices talking at me but i felt like i was in a episode of Charlie Brown i dont know what they were saying. All i know is i finally felt the softness of the pillow as the sandman grabbed on. Heres to christmas break.

Good, he isnt out here i can finally enjoy being out here like i usually do. The moment i start to relax, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and i hear the door open. Its him. He came and just when i thought I was safe. Thats when i heard it that dreaded whistle of his trying to call me over. Like an addict trying to get his next fix and its just out of his hands. Like a person full of greed, they need it. I dont understand why, why does my body betray me, why do i feel my bones stiffen and without control follow. Like a pied piper calling his prey. I feel my feet get heavy each step that i take to that gate. That gate i was ever grateful for, my savior that separated us so that he may not do his worse. As i look in that direction its like im stepping into hell i feel darkness and evil surround this man who calls me. His smile makes everything feel wrong he isnt a good person he shouldnt be trying to look like that. When im within arms reach he grabs me and turns me around and i feel that familiar pressure of that gate behind me and i feel something trying to poke through behind me. He reaches in my pants and his hands feel wrong they feel rough and invading without permission seeking something that does not belong to him. But he finds it. Just as he touches me there in that spot i dont understand why does it feel this way? This feeling that keeps building. While hes whispering in my ears nothing i can really hear it just makes me cringe and hate this even more. I want to go, i want to leave, i want to go inside, i dont want to do this anymore. His whispered get more excited and I don't understand what is going on his fingers keep touching me down there in a way that makes my body react and feel this desire i want it to end but it keeps building til i feel im goin to explode. And i do. My body jerks and all that desire releases in another feeling i cant even begin to explain. What is going on? He lets me go and i turn to see him zip his pants and my stomach is just turning upside down and around. Im on my bed and i dont even know how i got here. I am just laying there feeling as though i am an entity not completely there numb and void like a blackhole. No thoughts can form, no feelings can be felt. I can still feel it vibrating down there and i want to understand is this what they meant when they said dont dance with the devil?

You know that trick where you take your hand and pass it across your face while changing expressions? It's not a trick to me I am forever masking the endless thoughts that travel across my face with a smile. When someone spaces out they look at the empty space they believe they are looking at. They don't stare into that persons eyes and see what they were really spacing out. They don't see that war going on behind those eyes. They don't see the empty space they are really looking at is inside their mind. For in the moment deep and gone, gone like how your parents won't enter your old room gone like that. Before they break out they can't forget to do the trick and apologize for just spacing out.