ya

Like- I know my mom will throw the biggest fit over this, but she also went out of her way to make me feel hurt or uncomfortable every time I’d be around. Like girl… you made me feel unwanted and like a horrible person my whole life for simply existing and didn’t even stop to think there could be consequences? Certainly you can’t have thought that I would just be fine after ALL THAT?

Or my siblings making fun of me all the time or going out of their way to let it be known they don’t respect me. Like, it’s fine if you want to do that stuff, but just know it doesn’t come without a cost to me. I have to deal with the consequences of it, not you.

Or friends who say “don’t joke about that stuff” but then never reach out to you for anything but to talk AT you. Never ask how you are. You didn’t actually want to prevent it, you just didn’t want to hear anything about it. You wanted the benefits of having a friend, but not the hard parts. Although, none of my friends would really be seriously impacted- so in a way I get it. They’re unaffected, so why should it matter if they check in or not?

I love my partner, but this relationship is not built to last. It’s winding down. I can feel it with every interaction. It hurts me more than anything, but what can I do? It feels like the more I show my true self, the faster things go downhill. I wish more than anything that who I am wasn’t so… god awful. Unbearable to be around. And there’s no solution- I’ve tried to change who I am fundamentally as a person, but it’s really impossible to maintain such a facade all. the. time.

My relationships are chronically unfulfilling and meaningless- to myself and to those who know me. They do not give me anything to grasp onto- anything to feel connected to life and the world.

I have hobbies, but a couple hours of amusement does not inspire a desire for life.

Work is work. I don’t derive any deeper meaning out of doing a bunch of menial tasks so I can afford groceries.

This certainly can’t be how other people feel about their life. Otherwise, everyone would be in the same situation as me- just waiting for the most appropriate moment to take their leave. I wish that I didn’t feel so alone in this, but I know I cannot rely on those around me. So they really shouldn’t rely on me to be around.

well except for one, and she’s a sweet angel. but the rest of them can fuck AWF I listen to all your stuff all the time! actively! I sympathize! provide feedback! reassurance! empathy!