So things have not been good today. I am sitting here at my desk, contemplating about killing myself. This is no joke, I am dead serious. But I am sort of finding some morbid (If you want to call it that) humor in me thinking that I want to kill myself.
I am sitting here asking myself multiple times (surprisingly calm) “Do I want to kill myself right now?”
But the ironic and funny thing about it is. I not only suck at life, but I also really suck at killing myself. Planning & commitment wise at least.
1) I can’t swallow giant pills. Plus also I read suicide by pills usually end up with something like 90% failure case’s anyway.
2) I hate sharp objects. Especially the pain of said sharp objects.
3) I am squeamish at the sight of my own blood, or any blood for that matter.
4) I can’t hang myself because there is nothing really to hang a noose from in my house. Plus I got choked once on food and that shit was miserable. Not going through that again.
5) I don’t own a gun so I can’t off myself through that. (Did try to kill myself once by hiking in the woods during deer season. Didn’t work obviously).
6) I am not drowning myself because fuck that.
7) I am also not setting myself on fire because that’s stupid as hell.
8) I did think about driving my car into a tree at really fast speeds without a seat belt multiple times. Sounds good but then I realized knowing my luck I would just end up paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of my life……and have a broke ass car…. So scraped that idea.
9) When I wanted to join the military I also wished to join so my changes of me dying would sharply increase. However apparently I couldn’t pass the Military entrance exams (three times) all on account of my Dyscalculia. (Math related Dyslexia). So I couldn’t join the Army.
10) I thought about starving myself to death. But then my brother told me that is the most miserable way to die. So screw that.
11) I am terrified of heights…so that wouldn’t work anyway.
12) And I live in the mountains so no real natural disasters are going to be hitting my area any time soon.
So yeah…I find this all actually quite funny. Either God really loves to see me suffer…or….He really doesn’t want me to kill myself. Who know’s? I don’t.
And who know’s? Maybe this weird semi-depressed rant, to get this stuff off my shoulders will actually help someone out there. By also not going through on killing themselves. Because fuck it. I can also go to sleep tonight and maybe order a pizza tomorrow. (Which I might actually do).
Or I might just lay in bed all day. Or I might sit out on the front porch and watch the tree’s in my yard swaying in the wind. I will say that’s one downside of killing myself is not being able to enjoy nature again.
Okay I am done now. I am going to bed.
…God I sound emo as fuck -.-;;;;;
dailybridgerton
blakekathryn
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
prguitarman
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
gracieabrams
kianamaiart
