SpyCat

I don't disagree that people, in a vacuum, are responsible for their behavior. Although as we all well know, in practice it often isn't your fault you ran over someone's foot with your wheelchair. Wheelchair users are often left no space to just exist, and it translates to other disabilities and disorders too. And one of the reasons why that is, is because the society's default of a human is abled mentally and physically, and most people make no move to model their behavior to accommodate other needs.

I can explain what each symptom is and what it does, if it's unknown. I don't mind. Because I think they have to be known.

They have to be known because they're long term or permanent limitations that need to get worked around by the entire collective. They're not just like situationally feeling bad. And equating them to abstract bad feelings with no name and no clear structural position in your life just places a burden on disordered/disabled people to tolerate being hurt by someone ignorant.

Naming a symptom and explaining what it does is like pointing at a specific painful spot and asking to not be hit there. Meanwhile the social protocol demands that you keep things vague and assign your "overreaction" to just struggling with your temper.

I have DID and CPTSD, I can be highly sensitive to topics such as CSA and drug use, I get disoriented, I bump into things often and fall, I and I am untrusting of men. I also work with homeless people. This causes me to have to confront and cope with these symptoms regularly. It also taught me to always meet someone at their level. This is the humanization. It's not humanizing for me to explain all my symptoms to someone who doesn't have that at the forefront of their mind especially when they are experiencing distress caused by me. You need to take the time to speak to someone in ways they find relatable, otherwise you will worsen the situation and make them feel like you're centering yourself and maybe even condescending.

An example that actually happened to me was that someone misgendered me, and when i called them out for it and said “don’t call me girl”, they said it wasn’t them who called me girl it was one of their alters, so they wouldn’t apologize. Ultimately I was still hurt by them, and knowing that it was an alter and not them didn’t really change the fact that i was still hurt by them (i did not know they were a system, so by being told it wasn’t really them who misgendered me didn’t make any difference).

Your symptoms can be why you do something. That’s fine. Everyone gets overwhelmed, everyone has their breaking points, but if your reasoning is your symptoms that’s not taking ownership of your actions. It can even be in times placing blame on the person you hurt — again look at op’s example, maybe the conversation was where to eat and the person who got yelled at said they didn’t like a restaurant really loved by the person with ADHD and that’s what sparked the yelling (yes i know there’s usually more to it however we r working with hypotheticals). why did the person’s RSD get triggered? because someone said their favorite restaurant was bad. Now the apology becomes

“Hey sorry I yelled at you. I have this ADHD symptom called RSD that makes me really sensitive” is very likely to be interpreted as ‘I get triggered by X thing, because you did X thing you triggered me, therefore it is your fault you got yelled at.

Or alternatively if you do want to list your symptoms you should list how you are going to mitigate them.

“Hey sorry I yelled at you. I have this ADHD symptom called RSD that makes me really sensitive” should also include “when i start to get overwhelmed is it okay if I say [blank] so i can go take a few minutes to calm down”.

Yes, I am saying that if you hurt someone after they badly triggered your symptoms, it's not just your responsibility and it's not just your place to apologize.

My reblogs aren't an advice on how to apologize best, my reblogs are criticism of the idea of the disordered/disabled person being forced into the position of unquestionable responsibility.

You recognize your friend across the room at Waffle House and say hi to him. "Fuck you, go away!" he yells.

Later, you see your friend again, and say "Hey, what's up with how you treated me at Waffle House? That was really rude and hurtful."

"What? I was never at Waffle House," he says.

After some clarification, he realizes and explains, "Oh, that must have been my brother. We look a lot a like and get mistake for each other a lot."

"I didn't know you had a brother, let alone one who looked just like you. Why didn't you tell me?" you ask.

"We're not close, and he embarrasses me by being rude to everyone he meets, so I don't bring him up," he says.

Now, after this clarification, do you think your friend is in the wrong?

meanwhile, trans women are almost exclusively framed as middle-aged or older. This allows them to be viewed as more mature and cunning compared to younger people. In addition, older women are less likely to fit traditional beauty standards, so this gives them an easier time making a “gross ugly predator” argument.

however, when forced to acknowledge trans people of other age groups, they pretty much stick to the same playbook. Older trans men are no longer treated as pitiable women, but as some sort of gross third gender, similar to trans women. They are considered part of the ring of predators trying to steal your children. And, importantly, are considered ugly. Transitioned trans men are not seen as attractive to “normal” men or women. conversely, young trans women are treated very similar to young trans men. The “they’re trying to cut off your son’s dick” line is well-used. And they are not treated as a weird third gender like adult trans people, and rather are categorized as vulnerable boys being preyed upon by the “actual villains”, adult trans women.

doctors measure your genitals at birth to make sure you’re not intersex because otherwise they’ll do surgery on your junk. yes, when you were a baby, the doctors took a ruler to your clit or your dick and measured that shit. yes. that happened to you as a baby. yes, you SHOULD feel violated.