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i really wish you’d keep your work up but obviously in the end it’s your choice, i wish you well in whatever you decide to do.
i’ve been debating this as well. i kinda wanna come back to my work/keep this in case i want a place to post. might just leave it untouched, who knows LOL
but thank you so much, i wish you the best and i hope you’re having a great day!
i’ve been thinking, and i might delete my tumblr. i still love to write, but the older i get, the weirder feels to write about real people. idk, just feels like a breech of privacy.
i might delete everything celebrity related and use this blog purely for my regular writing/poetry/songwriting, but i haven’t made a concrete decision yet.
regardless, thank you all for reading my stuff. i’m writing this to let you all know if you can’t find me in the next couple of days, you know why. if you wanna keep in touch, send me a message and i’ll give you my twitter or something.
if you wanna copy & paste my writing to reread it, feel free to. it’d be decent if you used it just for personal reasons and didn’t post it, but i probably won’t see anything after this is deleted lmao
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type: full body ; 1k words ; angst ; she/her pronouns
summary: calum has been disconnected here recently. [y/n] confronts him about it.
a/n: like i said, i felt devastated, so i thought i’d write it out. i haven’t wrote angst in such a long time, so i hope it’s okay! let me know how it is :-)
ask box
“you’re just,” there’s a silence, and then a slow intake of air, “you’re not... you’re not who you were when we first met, calum.”
[y/n]’s voice is low, and unfolded; creasing every other moment. calum hasn’t called her back in quite some time. she’s on her voice memo app, practicing a confrontation that might ruin their relationship.
she’s already had a steady stream of tears that subsided, but after a brief thought, tears welped once more, “god fucking, dammit.” she pressed the button and stopped the recording. she’s sitting with her cheeks in her hands, trying to hide away from the sunset that’s invading her bedroom.
calum has been absent a bit too much recently. there have been days where he didn’t even text her until ten at night saying, “Hey, been a bit busy today. Sorry for not texting.” and then she wouldn’t hear from him for another seven hours. they have been together for ten months, but it feels like a lot less.
after calming herself down, she decides to fix the text residing in calum’s messages that eventually reads, “hey, we need to talk. please don’t say you’re busy, because i know you don’t have anything major planned tonight. let me know when you’re free.”
she hits send after re-reading it a few times, and stares at the screen, just waiting for it to say “Read 7:13 PM”. but it didn’t. she didn’t get an answer until 9:44 PM that said, “Okay, call when you’re ready”.
[y/n]’s entire body runs cold, and her hands slowly start to clam up. she takes a few deep breaths to stabilize herself, and then she rings him up. it rings four times before he answers, “hey.”
“hi.”
the silence from the both overpowers the static from the phone, “so, uh, how was your day?”
“good.”
“ah. that’s, good.”
“yeah.”
[y/n]’s tears pop in once more, uninvited this time. calum speaks up after hearing her sigh, “i can kind of guess what this’s about.”
“yeah.”
“you know i get busy, and i don’t mean to not text you back. i mean,” he pauses to return an emotionless sigh, “i thought you said you’d be okay with long distance and me working?”
“and i thought you said you would make me forget that distance was ever an issue for us.”
“[y/n] you know i can’t drop everything to come see you, i’ve told you-”
“it’s not about you physically being here calum.” they both pause, “it’s about you completely ignoring me. it’s about you going out and partying and living it up every other night, not telling me about it, and getting an attitude with me when you know why i’m upset. it’s you not giving a fuck about me anymore. it’s about-”
“don’t even start with that [y/n], you know i care about you-”
“clearly not calum!” her voice bumps up a pitch, and she’s slightly louder, “you don’t even care enough to text me good morning and goodnight anymore! you don’t let me know anything that’s going on with you! you leave me in the stupid ass, FUCKING dust calum! you CONSTANTLY forget about me! do you know how it makes me feel knowing that my boyfriend of ten fucking months doesn’t even like to text me back? doesn’t like to call me? sometimes i wonder if you even love me anymore!” [y/n] decompresses her chest, as she was unaware of holding it in that entire time. tears have started falling down her cheeks, and it’s evident in her cracking, nasally voice.
calum is silent, what a shocker. she remains quiet as well, apart from her subtle tearful inhales. calum finally speaks up after a moment, “i don’t know what to say, [y/n].”
she lets her head fall into her palms, an even worse feeling than before envelops her. she’s letting it all out, everything that she’s bottled up for the past four months is belting out of her. “i figured.” she knew how he was looking right now; slightly wide eyes that seemed pitiful, anxiously tapping his finger against his right thigh, probably biting the inside of his cheek. how fucking pathetic. “do you love me calum.”
he let a sharp exhale invade the room, and he sat quietly for a few seconds. “i, don’t... know.”
by this point, [y/n] is numb. she can’t feel her tears, or cheeks, or chapped lips, “that tells me all i need to know.”
“no, no,” she could hear him wave his hand to denounce her statement, “it’s not that. it’s just, i’ve been doing a lot of thinking here recently.” he paused to hear her confirm she’s listening, but she doesn’t, “um, and i think that, i just wanna be, alone.”
“then why didn’t you tell me this sooner.”
“i told you as soon as i figured it out.”
“no you didn’t. i’m having to force it out of you right now.” he doesn’t respond to that. “but then again, it’s on me for not confronting you sooner. if we would have gotten this out in the open earlier, i wouldn’t be feeling like this.”
“this is hurting me too [y/n].”
“no it’s not calum. you’re gonna hop off here and call one of your friends and be all ‘bring the booze i’m single as fuck’ and forget about me in an hour. that’s what you always do, anyway.”
she can hear him playing with his necklace through the speaker, he obviously wasn’t going to attest, because in the end, he knew she was right. she took one last defeated breath, “it was good while it lasted, but, i just, i can’t do this anymore. you’re not who you were when we first met, and, you’re just, not the man i thought was my soulmate. i’m sorry calum. bye.”
“bye [y/n].” he hung up before she registered what he said.
[y/n] sat in the same position for a good thirty minutes afterwards, her phone still in the same position as it was whenever it auto-locked after he ended the call.
she was going to just go to sleep as is, but her spare pillow still smells like his shampoo.
calum being at [y/n]’s college graduation . he’d bring a big bouquet filled with her favorite flowers . he’d post her walking on his story with the caption “My nerd everybody!!!” . then he’d post a picture of them together and caption it something like “[Y/n], my beautiful, smart girl who sometimes can’t spell the word ‘forest’. You walked the stage tonight, and I’m so incredibly proud of you. I’m so happy to have been apart of your journey, and I can’t wait until you get your first job so you can pay me back for everything. Kidding (not really, u’ve drank way too many of my mikes hards, I do count them). But regardless, I love you, and I can’t wait to ask you super specific questions I’ve googled about your major. Congrats!!!”
i’m feeling devestated for some reason. that being said, i’m bringing back my sad writing. like, the pit of your stomach feels bad for even existing at this point. at least that’s how i think it feels lmao
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warnings: mentions of drinking, character in a drunken state
pairings: calum hood x [y/n]
type: full body ; 861 words ; slight angst ; she/her pronouns
summary: a drunken calum arrives at [y/n]’s apartment. does he actually mean everything he says, or is it a drunken spew?
a/n: might make this into a mini series, but not sure yet. don’t wanna scare myself off with the thought. it’s not the longest thing i’ve written, but i wanted to put a read more since it contains drinking. hope u enjoy!
ask box
it’s 3:42 in the morning, and [y/n] wakes up to a third phone call from calum, “h-ello?”
“[yyy/nnnnnnnn]!!” he giggles into the phone, “you’ll never, ever in your wildest dreams, guess where i am right now.”
she sighs as she sits up in bed, prepared to go track down a drunken calum, “you better be on your way home calum!” this isn’t the first time he’s drunkenly called her.
“well,” she hears a bump near the front of the apartment, “right, okay. you see? i’m at your apartment right now. here i am. your welcome mat does say ‘come on in!’, [y/n]. so-”
she quietly laughs as she pushes herself off the mattress, “just give me a sec hun, let me get dressed.”
he whines into the phone, she can hear that he’s pulled it away and forgot he’s not on speaker phone, “i don’t mind if you wear those ‘go coconut’ panties around me. they’re nice! i’d wear em… actually can i have them?”
she shushes him on the phone, as she can hear him down the hall, “shut up, i’m almost there.”
he whispers into the phone, “okay, i’m still here, haven’t left. waiting for you.” his accent is very strong tonight, he must’ve been drinking whiskey.
[y/n] reaches the door and quietly unlocks it. she hangs up the phone once she sees calum outside, dressed pretty fancy. “you changed last minute again, huh? you look good.”
calum wraps his arms around her, holding onto her like they hadn’t seen each other just the other day. “thank you beautiful.”
she chuckles at his comment, the mixed smell of expensive cologne and apple flavored jack daniels engulfing her. wonder if he meant it this time, he claims to forget what all he’s said when he’s wasted. “c’mon, let’s get you in.”
they step inside, [y/n] heading to the fridge to grab a gatorade, “do you have a green one?” calum says as he hovers beside her.
“you know you don’t like the green ones honey.” he grunts softly, “is red okay?” he nods, and they head to her room.
once inside, calum lets himself fall face first onto [y/n]’s bed. he lets out a soft yet forceful sigh, and stays there for a few moments. she sits beside him, rubbing his shoulders lightly before he sits up, “can i stay here tonight? duke’s with luke, i locked my doors, and i’ll buy us breakfast in the morning?”
“of course cal, you know you’re more than welcome to.” he’s now facing her, still on the edge of her bed, “and before you ask, yes, you can sleep in your underwear. you’ve got sweats and pajama’s in the third drawer, too.”
he smiles half heartedly and rubs his thumb across her cheek, “love you [y/n].”
“love you too calum.”
he always does this. he always shows up and acts like him and [y/n] have been in love and dating for a good six years. and he always “forgets” what he said the morning after. does he not mean any of this shit?
[y/n] situated herself back in bed as she waits for calum to come back from the bathroom. she’s zoned out, thinking about what it’d be like if he actually loved her back.
calum saunters in, shutting the door behind him before taking off his pants. he climbs into the other side of bed and takes a gulp of gatorade before laying down next to her. they face each other, like they always do. he invites her to cuddle, and they tangle their legs together; their bare skin comforting each other under the sheets. he comes close to kissing her, but opts for kissing her nose. “i’d marry you if you wanted to marry me.”
“i’m sure, cal.” third time he’s said that. “you always say that when you’re drunk.”
“i always mean it too.”
“mhm.” she closes her eyes and he pulls her to his chest, “goodnight.”
“night, [y/n].”
in the morning, calum wakes up first. [y/n] has migrated to the other side of the bed. she always told him he was like a personal oven, and that she could only take a few minutes cuddled up to him. he remembers everything he said, he always did. he couldn’t ever tell her confidently that she means the world to him. that he thinks she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever known. that he’s been in love with her for two years. he’s terrified that she’s just being nice to him, and finds him a burden.
but as he watches her sleep, he can’t stop thinking about what it’d be like to be consciously held by her. to tell her he loves her as soon as the sunlight comes through the curtains, and when the day turns dark. what it’d be like to have something good for once.
while he was thinking, she had woken up and mumbled a ‘good morning’ to him. he didn’t register it. so she spoke up again and said, “thinkin’ about what we’re having for breakfast that you so happily said you’d buy?”
he didn’t register that either, apparently, “i’m in love with you.”
thinkin...about if calum were to kiss [y/n]’s forehead goodbye....and then she’d cup his cheek and pull him down and kiss his cheek and say “it’s only fair”....and then he’d giggle and be like “i can’t wait to see you again tomorrow”....and then [y/n] would be all “i kinda don’t want you to go”....so he’d end up staying the night because he ““lost”” a game of rock paper scissors ((he totally didn’t change his hand after seeing hers))....and they’d lay in bed cuddled up facing each other just sharing their dreams and ambitions....please i am touch starved
[y/n] turns her head to calum, “let me borrow a kiss.”
he turns to face her with an eyebrow raised, “borrow?”
she nods her head, “well yeah. i’ll give it back, promise.”
calum chuckles and speaks as he leans in, “okay, since you promised.”
a few hours later, [y/n] spots calum leaning against the kitchen counter. she skips over to him and announces, “i’m done with my kiss, you can have it back now.”
he looks up from his fruit gummy packet, “do you have your receipt?”
she giggles out a, “well no, but, i know the owner!”
calum lays his half eaten packet on the counter and wraps his arms around [y/n]’s waist, “you do? and what’s his name? for clarification purposes.”
her arms make their way around calum’s waist as well, “uhh, colin hat. definitely.”
he lets out a sharp laugh, closing his eyes in the process. “i think the pronunciation is a bit off, but the boss man did tell me to give a full refund if the object is in im-peck-ible condition.”
[y/n] playfully scoffs and tries to pull away, but calum pulls her in close, “did the boss man also tell you to be this punny?”
“yes, he gave me specific instructions actually.” he presses a kiss to [y/n]’s forehead, “now where’s that kiss?”
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hi so here are some poems/illustrations i’ve done in quarantine! kinda scared to post them here, but i’m facing my fear.
the first one is called “9 lives that aren’t remotely fine”; the second is called “circle frames”; the third is called “hidden treasure”. if anyone wants to know the meaning behind any of them, feel free to ask!
after fans figured out calum and [y/n] were dating due to calum uploading the video of them kissing to public instead of ‘friends only’, everyone found [y/n]’s tiktok. she only had a few videos posted, mainly of her doing a challenge or lip syncing a joke.
overnight, she gained 12,000 some followers and had various comments asking her to show calum. over the next month or so, people began asking her to do challenges with him, and one of them stuck: “PLEASE go up to calum and sit in his lap unprompted and see what he does”.
[y/n] sat up her phone on the counter behind the couch, and started recording. she walked up to calum who said, “hey hun! ya done with your stuff?” without saying a word, she situated herself in calum’s lap. in the video, you can hear calum muttering, “ope, alright, here we go, there you go.”
she’s sat sideways with her head laying on his shoulder, her shoulder tucked against his upper chest. calum wraps his arms around her, “you okay? what happened?” still, no response. he nods as he raises his hand to massage her scalp.
they sit in silence for a few seconds, calum presses gentle kisses into her hair and on her forehead. he eventually rests his cheek against the top of her head and begins to slowly rock from side to side. his hand has transitioned from her hair to the middle of her back as he draws small shapes against her shirt. everyone comments about how he drew little hearts.
“whenever you’re ready,” he says softly, “i’m here.”
a few seconds after he speaks, they can hear the audio replay from the video. calum jumps a bit and turns around to see [y/n]’s phone pointed towards them. she giggles as she presses a kiss to his neck and then to his cheek, “you’re very sweet, cal.”
“did you just film a tiktok? that’s not fair, the world can’t know i’m a simp [y/n].” he chuckles, giving her another kiss on her forehead.
“hey, i give the public what they want.”
“tell them i’m not a simp. it’s not in my genetics.”
luckily for him, most people thought the video was lovely. unluckily for him, people have insinuated that he’s in love with [y/n]. they aren’t wrong, but he can’t tell her that after only a month of dating?!
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