I'm making this whole post because I may or may not start posting my fan fiction because sometimes there aren't enough of the character I want and I know for sure I'm not the only one wishing for more. I'm doing this only for the starving ones, sometimes even mediocrity can ease a bit the pain (personal experience, it gives ideas).
This post is made as an explanation to why I'm doing this shit and how I intend to do it.
Before I start, I have to mention that I'm not used to posting fan fiction so I'm quite unfamiliar with fandom and tag stuff, which might lead me to saying the wrong term. Please correct me if I say anything wrong or if there's a better term.
Unfortunately (for my case, in my opinion) 90% of the time I read reader insert fan fiction. Rarely I read something that isn't in this category because it doesn't satisfy me, if I do get a recommendation I will try it widouth problem (unless the subject is something I don't like).
Because I do have imagination but lack writing skills and ideas for any character that isn't an oc it's hard to come up with scenarios or a proper story to include my character in, usually it's not even me I'm imagining but an oc that is mean to represent me. Which is why sometimes I take inspiration for the fan fiction I write from different sources, I will always mention where I got inspired from.
SO. When I write something that is reader insert I do write it with my oc in mind, which is why I don't intend on ever doing requests (unless I say otherwise at some point). Even if it is written with oc in mind I won't give any indication that it is an oc fan fiction, always reader. No (random girl name) x Michael afton in my territory (this is a random example I came up with, please don't kill me over it). The reader will always be neutral (meant for any gender, I'll use only they/them pronouns), no description of clothing, height or weight.
In case it has to be said: no translation, posting somewhere else, no copy-paste of my work. If I ever post a fan fic over another platform I will mention where and my username/a link to the fan fic.
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But I didn't journal at all there because I forgot to bring my journal. BUT NOW I HAVE A NEW SPOT TO JOURNAL!!!!
At first I was so fucking anxious because I didn't know where I could stay and (because it was my first time there) I didn't take any time to enjoy the place properly and choose a better table. But I still enjoyed it.
Here is a shit picture I took of the coffe. For 4€ (approximately) I got all that I needed. Usually when you ask for a coffe, you get ONLY the coffe, but I got syrup and water (widouth asking for them). I belive that's a great deal. And it wasn't mediocre at all, I've tasted worse lattes for the same price, it was very good even before adding the syrup.
Sometimes I remember that I'm genuinely just a line between two worlds. This is a post deserving of the journaling tag, I managed to unleash the extrovert in me, so now it's time to talk about nothings.
First example: too gay for the straights, too straight for the gays. Lgbt people like me but need a lot of time to realise that I'm one of them, while straight people just think that I like to dress fancy.
Which brings me to my next line between two worlds. I do have interests, but they are not deep dive kind of interest. I have one constant interest (stationary, journaling) and the one I can't dive into more (medical problems which result in terms I can't understand even if I use AI to explain).
I have two lamy fountain pens. Because my fist one's nib didn't write like a F nib after 2 years, but more towards a M. I could tell the difference while writing, a barely noticeable thickness compared to the way it wrote in the beginning. Which is why I got another one, only months after I learned that I could buy replacement nibs. Lovely!!! (This is a sarcastic lovely.) When I told one of my friends about this, he almost told me that I'm crazy.
No shit. We both draw, he just does digital art more than traditional, so when he does traditional, he uses whatever he has, rarely buying better tools. I'm the opposite. This resulted in my addiction to hoarding stationary I bought over the course of many years (but at least now I know what is good and what isn't just by looking and touching, no testing needed, 80% of the time though).
In my opinion, I'm barely under the water line of the iceberg. I know stuff, not enough. I only know more than the average person.
Am I the only one who has a horrible anxiety when it comes to journaling/studying/reading in public?
I've done studying in a cafe once, I was lucky that my mother works there, and that everyone around me was a student so it was normal to see someone studying there, but I don't want to go to the same one each time, so the unknown is pushing me to continue doing it home, which I got bored of.
I also want to journal/read in a cafe, which makes it worse. I finish a coffee in 5 minutes and I will feel very... performative (for the lack of a better word).
I suppose the best way to get rid of this anxiety is either by bringing a friend with me for a "study date", then in other days alone, or jumping right in the lion's mouth and go alone for the first time ever in a totally unknown place.
Because at some point I said "romanticise it!!!!", yet I can't see myself widouth the fear of unknown and random people's eyes on me.
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Ador faptul ca maica mea spune de mine ca nu inteleg glume si nuante, dar ea nu intelege un subtil "daca continui sa comentezi si sa ma bati la cap (tu) ma bagi in mormant". Femeia este la al doilea copil, primul copil a luat 3 in simularea de bac la mate, te asigur eu ca al doilea copil o sa ia 3 doar pentru ca nu il lasi sa respire.
Nici cititul nu mai este placut pentru ca trebuie sa citesc pentru bac, nu pentru relaxare
Dar cititul e relaxant!
NU CAND E FORTAT IN MORTII MEI, CUM MOASTA PE GHEATA VREI TU SACMA RELAXEZ IN TIMP CE CITESC MOROMETII???? CUM ESTE ASTA RELAXARE?????
Cum mai este cititul relaxant cand tu imi spui mereu sa citesc, sa imi fac temele
Weird shit to say, but if I would be forced to wear eyeglasses (prescription) from now on, I wouldn't even do eye make-up. The glasses will do the whole enchanting I do with make-up for my eyes to be the main focus of my face.
Another weird thing, on my nose bridge, I have two spots, on each side, clear of any pigmentation or black heads, in the perfect spot for glasses to sit.
I have a picture I took with my friend's glasses while wearing no make-up, and it's probably one of my favourite pictures of myself. No makeup, only the eyeglasses.
And if I wear sunglasses during cold days, I look (and feel) like a freak.
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I asked my mother to buy toothpaste for a specific place, that we dont frequent that much. This means that the quality of the toothpaste isn't a priority here. All I want it to do is clean properly my teeth and not make me throw up.
What does she comes back with? This bullshit. My mouth feels interesting... the tip of my tongue is feeling like it has needles in it, my gums and parts of my lips feel horrible in a way I dont know how to describe.
She bought a toothpaste that has 44 ESSENTIAL OILS AND PLANTS?! What the fuck. Also, no fluoride?
I'm quite sure its not a horrible allergic reaction because I would have been worse, and of course im not using this bullshit again. At this point ill just buy my own toothpaste and carry it with me everywhere I have to brush my teeth.
The "winner takes it all" and "red swan" combo from tik tok got me so bad I started to listen to the aot ost again. At some point I might as well start watching my favourite scenes.
Ador faptul ca maica mea spune de mine ca nu inteleg glume si nuante, dar ea nu intelege un subtil "daca continui sa comentezi si sa ma bati la cap (tu) ma bagi in mormant". Femeia este la al doilea copil, primul copil a luat 3 in simularea de bac la mate, te asigur eu ca al doilea copil o sa ia 3 doar pentru ca nu il lasi sa respire.
Nici cititul nu mai este placut pentru ca trebuie sa citesc pentru bac, nu pentru relaxare
Dar cititul e relaxant!
NU CAND E FORTAT IN MORTII MEI, CUM MOASTA PE GHEATA VREI TU SACMA RELAXEZ IN TIMP CE CITESC MOROMETII???? CUM ESTE ASTA RELAXARE?????
Cum mai este cititul relaxant cand tu imi spui mereu sa citesc, sa imi fac temele
Note 1: don't expect good quality, wrote this mostly for myself. Note 2: self indulgent, written in first person because I genuinely couldn't formulate it in third person (I tried and failed, only the first paragraph is in 3rd person). A little bit of comfort??? I can't tell.
Amount of words: a lot, may contain misspellings or typos I didn't notice.
Background for the story, just so it can make more sense: reader and Blade aren't on very good terms but previously had many✨romantic✨ encounters. Also, reader is a little bit jealous on Kafka but knows it's just an insecurity which is why it's not mentioned a lot.
About me here (might be useful)
Many years have passed and you still haven't changed in better. You're still the same cheap copy of a human that's not healed or hasn't done anything to get better. How do you define being better? What is better? What is normal?
Sitting in the bed, laying down, I think of who I am and I don't have the answer. For how long haven't I slept? Or eaten properly? Am I hungry or I'm craving…? No. I can't have that. Being desired doesn't mean that I'm loved. Yet I'm not even desired, I'm just a plan B. But by continuing to walk through this thought I will dive deeper into my misery.
There's someone behind my door, standing there. They'll leave. The door should be locked, unless it's him. We exchanged keys just to make it easier when leaving, I was scared that someone will get into my place if the door wasn't locked all the time, which is why I was scared that it could be him that was behind my door right now.
I don't want him near me. He'll tell me to get up, that this should be my last problem, unfortunately I failed and this became my biggest problem, that there's no reason to stay miserable. Only metaphorically, somehow I found comfort in washing my body. No matter how much I wanted to be shown love… I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want to give him another occasion to bring me down to another kind of misery. I didn't deserve to be lov-… . I had to run away from them, I will tell only Elio why I will leave, I'll hurt the others if I keep staying.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. I look directly in the direction of the hand and see Blade.
Was I angry that he was there? Disappointed in myself for not pushing through my problems, for not being strong enough? He shouldn't see me like this.
His hand moved to my face and I moved my head back a little, until I had no choice but to let him put his palm on my cheek. I closed my eyes. I didn't know to tell him to leave. Now both of his hands were on my face, pushing me towards him. The mattress moved a little and I knew he sat on the bed.
Slowly, gently, he grabbed me and put me on his thighs, holding me up. “Why are you here?” I whisper as I let my head rest on his shoulder.
“You disappeared.” He said.
His left hand went to my head, through my hair. He leaned his head down to look at me. “When was the last time you changed your pillowcase?” He stayed like that for a few more seconds before speaking again. “I'll change them.”
He let me down on the bed before walking to one of the drawers I had in my room. He looked in it and got whatever he wished for, then changed the pillowcases. He went back to me, this time forcing me to get up and walk to the bathroom. Moving my hair from my face the best he could, he tried to wash my face. “You can't bring a dirty face to a clean pillowcase.” He whispered.
Well, he tried to wash my face, all I let him do was put my akin care products on my face. “How do you know-” I started to ask.
“I watched you do this.”
“How sweet of you.” My sarcasm was easy to notice. But I still didn't understand why he cared about me right now. He didn't care about me in general. No matter how much I tried to make myself likeable to him so he wouldn't shove remarks and unasked opinions at me.
“What do you want to eat?”
“I'm not hungry.”
“I can tell you're starving.”
“Your flesh is sufficient.” I
To my surprise, he pushes up his sleeve and moves his arm up for me to feast on. “I was joking.” I say, almost disgusted.
“Didn't you say my blood is good?”
“I didn't mean to-” I start to explain.
“Go on. You know-” He interrupted me.
“Same. You forgot that.”
“Starvation isn't the answer.” he murmured.
"I know that.” I looked at his hand. Fairly enough, it was a good looking arm, but not worth destroying. I walked past him and went to my kitchen to look in my cupboards and fridge. He followed me.
“Come with me. You have nothing in here. I'll cook for you something.” he spoke in my ear as he held me in a hug from behind.
“Don't bother.” I whisper. I didn't want his pity or help, I knew he wanted me to be in a good mental a d physical state just to fuck me. “I won't give you what you want.” I whisper.
He didn't move. “Let me help you for once, at least.”
“Don't waste your time.” Fuck with her, you don't hate her.
I felt how he shook his head before kissing my temple. “I missed you.”
“You missed my body.” I almost screamed.
“I missed YOU.” he didn't scream, only accentuated the word. “I realised that I was horrible to you, for no reason.” he hugged me tighter. “Let me prove that you deserve love and care. I might be late, but let me take care of you before you think of leaving.”
“Y'all don't need me.” I whisper to myself. I wasn't important in any script, so why shouldn't I leave?
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Why the fuck did I think it was a good idea to write a fan fic in notion???? I can't fucking copy paste the whole fic here because instead of copying the whole thing I'm selecting, it copies only a phrase which is DEFINITELY not the entire fic. To be fair I might be doing something wrong but I can't say I give that big of a fuck for something that should work properly for my 1800's brain
Fuck tik tok for making me try Tool again. I knew about this band for at least 1,6 years and I tried it but fuck the dude who recommended me Tool for not giving me a starter song because the one song I tried wasn't as good as the live version Sober.
Ok so I listened to the live version of sober. Now what? Do they have any other song that can make me go WHYYYYYYYYYY *fry scream* ? Hopefully because I love basse guitar.
Ironically, the dude that recommended me Tool has some past altercations with drugs so... Yippee (that's a joke)
