depression blog

——

I can remember the first

I could recognize her silhouette in a room full of shadows

I could sculpt the curve of her hip from memory

I can remember the moment I knew I loved her

I can remember the sunlight when she told me she loved me.

I can remember the bruises she gave me.

I can remember the ring.

I can remember when the birthmark faded and I realized it had never been a birthmark at all.

I can remember the feeling of our hearts breaking. I’m not sure that I’ve felt like that since.

Just resigned to the end.

Just tired to the end.

Just angry.

Just sad.

But then, I can remember the moment I knew I loved another, and my heart aches.

And I can remember every time I told someone new I loved them, and when I didn’t.

I can remember realizing what was love, what wasn’t, and what could have been.

Love means leaving. Love means letting go. I light the incense and pray. I light the incense and let go.

I light the incense and love myself.

—

a short meditation on love.

A stone top which isn’t my favorite thing. Also she got me so drunk beforehand and honestly I need time to digest everything

She was a lot rougher than I expected and at some points I honestly was concerned. My neck feels a little bruised from choking and my windpipe doesn’t feel great. She was a lot stronger than me and idk I feel weird about that

Also, she kept shotgunning whiskey into my mouth even though I didn't want it and then I got too drunk…

Weird experience overall and would not repeat it although she definitely wants to be added to my roster

I barfed partway through the night and woke up hungover and am disappointed because I’m an early riser and nowhere is open for breakfast before 7

I made my own list then, full of points that were good and some that were frivolous. I’d still keep some of them though.